Some of My Laundry List

You know you have been out for a while when you can't remember your account info.

With all of this busyness, I have noticed some trends in myself.  I got distracted from taking care of myself and self-reflection.  As I become more aware of pain and anguish, the release of such emotion becomes more important.  I'm like a teakettle with the whistle stopped up.  However, the steam just doesn't make me cleanly explode.  It seeps out wherever it can.  So, with this pain, anger, and resentment seeping out, I feel guilt for it happening.

I also notice that I handle worry differently.  I still worry and dwell, but not constantly and I don't let it mess me up so badly.  I am slowly becoming more accepting of my fears and worries.  However, I still must learn that what I worry and fear usually doesn't happen or is as bad as I think.

I struggle with my awareness of my thinking and acting behaviors.  The more I realize how codependent, passive, resentful, and insecure I am, the more I dislike of myself.  I have always had a resistance to change, ever since I was quite young.  Somewhere, I learned changing myself meant how I am is worthless.

I must do in order to be worthy.  I must look, think, feel, and act a certain way to be lovable and worthy.  Realizing I have changes to make inflames this harmful thinking.  I know I must find worth in myself right now, because I am worthy and lovable even with my bad habits.  However, as I become more aware of my habits, the more hopelessness I feel in believing I have worth.

Ok, I think that's enough of my laundry list for now.  I've been thinking about the above areas a lot as of late.

Self-Rescuing Princess

Linkie.

I have realized last night that I must try to work on myself more on my own.  I have noticed a tendency to create conflict and send out negativity.  Thus, I must realize that it is up to me to help myself, no one else.

So today, when I saw the above linked t-shirt in a catalog, it really spoke to me.  It reminds me that I have not been looking to myself enough.  Help and support from others is good, but one cannot become dependent on it.

After more thinking, I realized that those healing themselves are self-rescuing prince(sse)s.  No matter what support we may have, it is up to us to evolve into happy, healing people.

Well, I should retire soon.  I wish you all a happy week!  Take care!  <3

Self-Esteem and Sexuality

http://chaplaincare.navy.mil/selfhelp/sexuality.htm

I just wanted to link this as it seems useful.  It discusses self-esteem and its impact on our lives, including our sexuality.  I've been doing a bit of reading with this.

Hugs to all!  Take care!  <3

To Run

Something stirs
just beneath

An urge to run
and run and run

To live amongst
the trees
and silence

Away from all

Can't run away
from yourself

Sensible chiding
from within

Does not quell
this urge

To run
and run
and run

Some Thoughts...

I have been stirring up quite a bit as of late. I have been pushing on my assertiveness with others. I have worked on conflict resolution with others. I have dealt with more pain and anger from a previous relationship. I have been exploring intimacy and other related issues. I have pondered more on fears and anxieties I have held on to for as long as I can remember.

I have been told that my maturity is closer to a teen now; less tantrums, more self-discovery, a different sort of confusion. Some child-like tendencies still exist, but I can see improvement. Awareness and understanding are slowly seeping in, taking over the fear. The fear is still there, of abandonment and worthlessness.

I seem to still have difficulty with traits of my own that differ from others. I am realizing more and more that such thinking is mine, not what others think. Not everyone dislikes me for being different, I dislike me for that. I am realizing how many words I am putting into other's mouths.

Finally, I would like to thank those who have been so supportive and encouraging! I realize people are busy with their own lives and with healing.    Take care all!  <3

The Child Within

Oh, oh, oh, a very deep and huge scab has been picked away on my mental well-being. This week, we had a holiday and I watched some kids with a friend of mine. I'm not a mother and am not used to being around kids.

As of late with my attempt at positivity, I have felt that this inner child stuff had settled with me a bit. I did not feel an internal conflict like I have been and figured maybe some integration had taken place. Well, was I ever wrong!

The girls made some snotty comments about me and I was transported back to being little. I am shy as it is so I already was going to be quiet and self-conscious. But such remarks uprooted somewhat forgotten feelings of my youth. Never fitting in, just to be an ugly duckling. My whole life I felt I needed to change. No one likes shy, quiet people. I can't run, I can't throw. I don't have the newest toys and gadgets. I wasn't as funny and charming. I was heavy and greasy. The crappy little bookworm that was only wanted to weasel homework out of. I cry as I write this, because I still feel rather raw.

Anyway, some of the reason I was so quiet and shy was that was how I was supposed to be. I wasn't supposed to babble or mess anything up. I was to fear adults. I was supposed to fix people and take care of them. It was like I was a little adult. I probably have more child-like tendencies now then when I was a kid.

And I felt ignored by my friend. It is like I need constant attention sometimes. I had talked later about this and realized that some of the mean comments and such were just signs of pain in the little ones. How much they were like me in some ways!

So, I learned a lot that day. I learned that I need to focus more on self-soothing and attention. I learned that I needed to heal past pain of not being accepted. I need to learn that while I want to change how I react to the world and my feelings, I do not have to change my core self. While it would be nice to be able to talk to others competently and without fear, I do not have to be as sociable and extroverted as others. I am good enough. Others see it, I must as well.

Oh and a final thing: a friend got me watercolors! A 24 pack of them! I have done a little, oh is it ever fun! I am determined to do more very soon!

Oh and one more! A song I heard tonight that relates to my healing and self-improvement.

Despair, Apathy, Shame, Hopelessness, Et Cetera

The last couple of days has been a low point for me. I seem to be in a funk of some sort. I realize this happens to everyone at some point, but it would be nice to understand why and head feelings like this off. I know when I go back into habits of passiveness and codependency, that I get dragged down. I know that the many realizations I have made these past few months drag me down. I know emotional eating drags me down. My sense of apathy and 'letting things go' also hurts.

One thing that I think would help prevent such feelings is more positive reinforcement. When mistakes or failures occur, actively comforting oneself and supporting oneself may lessen feelings of failure. I really need to focus on the fact that I'm human and can never be 'perfect'. More emotional detachment would help, I don't need to take other people's negative emotions; I have enough of my own. I have gotten MUCH better at self-coping. When I'm down, sometimes I can say positive things to myself and make myself feel loved. For a long time I have heard about the need to love yourself. I never understood what this meant until now.

I never realized that I could think good of myself, especially at this point in my life. It is most turbulent and I am more emotional. I am also rather overweight and have become aware of how I don't take care or pride in myself. Yet, though I have not turned all of this around, I have managed to find some love of myself. That makes me feel really good.

So, now that I'm in a funk, what to do? I have read a bit about this. Here are some things that work for me.
- Accomplishing small goals: this helps build self-esteem because I can be really apathetic and feel guilt for feeling that way. It helps to remind myself that I don't have to have everything done.
- Enjoy the outdoors: walks are very soothing to me, even in the city. I lived my child and teen years in the country, where I developed my habit of taking little walks. The fresh air, bits of color I see, the various people I meet all help me feel better. I have only seen prairie and forests, no mountains or shore. I love the prairie for its openness and sweeping wind. I love the forest for its shelteredness and its stillness. I love trees and grasses and plants and animals. I love the way my heart settles from the peace I get at those places. I belong there, a feeling I never felt anywhere else.
- Music: I wonder if music influences me so much because I am so influenced by others. I do not wish to lose music's influence as it helps me invigorate and sooth me. It can sooth my heart, but not the same way nature can. I like music with stimulating harmonies or lyrics. Like art, it must stir me in some way.

Those are just some things that I can think of right now. One thing I would like to try is watercolor painting. This book got me intrigued. I have always been critical with my art skills, but I think it would be therapeutic for me.

One thing I think that harms me sometimes is being online. I think I spend too much time online, especially when down. I will visit blogs here but otherwise I am going to restrict myself a bit and see if it helps me.

I wish you all a great week and thanks for stopping by!

The Climb

This is a song I recently heard.  For me, this is the most inspirational song I have ever heard.  I can relate to it a lot.  It is a great reminder not to give up!  Enjoy!  It sounds so beautiful.

The Climb - Written By:  Alexander, J; Mabe, J.  Performed By:  Miley Cyrus

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

Whoa a oh oh

Isolation

The topic of isolation has been on my mind as of late. Some people have posted about it and I have also experienced a very strong sense of it a couple of days ago. I have a number of factors associated with isolation. For one, I am quite shy, having been so since about junior high. I do talk more now and can communicate coherently with others, though I still don't say a lot and have difficulty with lots of people and people I haven't met. My introversion also makes social events draining.

I also experience a wish for isolation when I'm quite emotional or feeling self-hatred. I can be difficult to be around and I have come to assume people don't want to be around me when I feel like that. I also get irritated by how easy I can be to read, my facial expressions have always been the main way for me to communicate emotion. Talking about my emotions was not encouraged at all. When people have been around me for a while, they seem to detect topics that hurt my feelings and such. So, I have temptation to avoid others to avoid such assumptions and reactions.

When I have become upset or have had conflict with someone, I have strong urges for isolation. I commonly visualize building a wall internally. Withdrawal is my most strong coping mechanism, second only to eating and crying. A common response to conflict for me is to not want to talk to others anymore, it only leads to trouble.

However, isolation has a price. I cannot grow in isolation. I cannot simmer in my negative emotions and self-hatred, that is quite destructive. I cannot hide from conflict. This is probably one of the most destructive things I do to myself, outside of verbal and mental abuse.

Buried Alive

I think sometimes analogies are how I express myself to others, at least in regards to healing and such. Slowly, I have started to define ME, not x's helper, not y's sister, not z's daughter. I have started to care about what I want, what I need. The idea of me being worthy of anything, especially love, is still quite foreign to me.

At times, people don't like such changes. Once some people get used to how you are, they don't really like you changing. At these times when I feel unaccepted (not just when I've changed), I feel like building walls back up, cocooning myself inside. However, this feeling is more complicated due to my changes. The best way for me to describe it is I feel like I'm burying myself alive. I can feel this internal struggle that the defined me is fighting the bury.

I'm sure I have had something like this when younger, but did not have a defined me to fight. Thus, this buried alive sensation is rather strong and new. It's sad how long one can go in their lives without feeling defined or worthy. As time goes on, I am in awe of how my thinking has changed. I still have a long road ahead, yet now I feel like a person anyway.

I feel awkward chronicling my trials here as things can change so much for me. I can be quite content and at peace one moment and the next be in despair. Of course, this all depends on stress levels, my cycle, my hunger level, etc.

One thing that has helped me quite a bit recently is the determination to be more positive. One resource I have found that you may wish to visit is the Positivity Blog. It has a number of insightful articles that I have found helpful.

Long Update and Future Topics

I have been quite busy as of late and so I'm sorry that I have not been visiting much. I think of you all often and wish you all well.

A whirlwind of healing related events has occurred that I shall share. I will not share all as some of what I've learned is rather difficult to accept and I'm not even sure if it's true. I've had to deal with quite a bit of lying in my life from those close to me so it could be false. I have heard some rather disturbing history of someone close to me in regards to human trafficking and the like. I did not hear about this from that person, so it could be painful lies to make that person sound 'bad'. I didn't even think about being lied to at first and so I felt a lot of pain and sympathy. It also seemed to fit some confusing pieces of my own life.

Anyway, hearing this has made me more curious about such horrific practices and I'd like to share more information about that here. Breaking silence about taboo topics like child abuse, incest, human trafficking, and force prostitution seems to be the first step in ending it all.

One major component that I struggle with is being positive. I grew up in a negative atmosphere where I learned it was best to assume negative and keep quiet. However, this has a rather bad impact on my life. Recently, I've become even more aware of how it can hurt others and myself. It's something that I've worked on in the past, but when I start getting negative again, it's like, oh well I ruined it. So now I'm trying to recover when I slid into negativity and also try to prevent it. It's been a bit of a struggle, and I do fall into old patterns but I think in general it's getting better. I also notice it makes me more productive and more successful if I can keep a positive attitude. This seems to be very important for my assertiveness, codependency, self-esteem, and emotional maturity issues.

Related to being positive, I have been working on loving myself. I never even thought about this idea until I started reading about it on other blogs. As I have been more forgiving and positive with myself, I can see such love forming. I have also gotten more concerned with taking care of myself. I have been exercising more, drinking more water, ridding soda pop from my diet, and eating more whole foods. I know it won't be easy and I will slip up but I have to realize I'm human and that doesn't mean I should give up. I have noticed that exercise has been giving me a new awareness of my own body and its movement. I have never noticed or appreciated the feeling of my body moving. I think I'm slowly losing shame over my body, which seems really good.

I will try to have my next post be more focused. I wish everyone a wonderful week and I will be visiting! <3

Children of Hoarders

*** Warning - May be triggering or painful

Today, I wanted to post about a website I found yesterday. I saw an ad about some show filming and humiliating a family of hoarders. I have heard about hoarding before but decided to do some more reading about it. It reminds me of what I grew up with and some of the tendencies I myself have.

Looking through this website, one part worth noting:

Along with difficulties in throwing things away, compulsive hoarders have severe difficulties making decisions, perfectionism, and avoiding tasks. People with compulsive hoarding syndrome do not like to make mistakes. To prevent making a mistake, they will avoid or postpone making decisions. Even the smallest task, such as washing dishes or checking mail may take a long time because it has to be done "right." The net result of these high standards and the fear of making a mistake is that compulsive hoarders avoid doing many tasks, because everything becomes tedious and overwhelming.

Much of this website goes into children who have lived in hoarding homes and the impact of it. However, what really stuck out for me was the explanations about the hoarders themselves. It sounds like living in a controlling and critical environment is a factor with who hoards.

I feel like I understand my mother better now, and her mother as well. I think about all the tension, fighting, and chaos caused by misunderstanding. People just thought she was lazy or didn't care, but looking back, I just think she was overwhelmed. This all makes me so sad.

As I have learned more and more about abuse and alcoholism and how these factors impact people, I feel that I understand many people so much more. Why they say what they do, why they act as they do, it slowly makes more sense.

A Quick Update

I will do another, more thorough update shortly. Thank you all for your support and kindness! I'm sorry I have not been around a lot.

I have always struggled with stress, perhaps now more than ever. I would greatly appreciate any advice on reducing stress. I've been working more on developing a routine for myself. I've considered other possible strategies but am at somewhat of a loss for how to start. I've heard a bit about meditation and yoga but know so little about either.

Anyway, any input would be appreciated!


Take care all!


<3

Love You Forever and Update

I don't know what caused it, but today I remembered a children's book that used to be popular. Specifically, I remembered a line from it: "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be." And I thought to myself, 'I want to be someone's baby!'

That feeling is still quite strong and makes me tear up. But I had to get some work done and I told myself that I can't break down now about this but it'll be ok. I visualized soothing my inner child with a banana popsicle (a childhood favorite).

Now in addition to work, I have schooling to deal with. This knitting room seems to be in complete disarray and I don't know what to do to get on the right track. Many repressed feelings and memories are spilling out. I feel like I'm in high school again, a big awkward dork. However, now I don't have that reassurance of pleasing some people in my life. I know I need to make myself happy, it has just been difficult detaching my happiness from other people's happiness.

I'm not really sure how to put my life in order but I better figure something out. Thanks to all with your kind comments! They make my day!

A Comment To Share

As I have seen done at Lily's blog, I will post a comment I posted at Paula's as I feel I should be more revealing here as I am in a comment. One final statement: Imagine how the world would be if love flowed between people as easily and freely as alcohol is consumed. Oh, and this has bee a big step for me as this topic is what I feel the most judged about, along with my weight and emotional maturity and intelligence, and well, I guess I feel about the same amount of judgment from others about all of it. Though I think most of that judgment is my own.

No matter what one believes, we are all bound by the common thread of hope, healing, and believing in ourselves. We all have our ways of seeking guidance and healing ourselves and it's just wonderful to see the diversity.

I struggle with what you mention above, especially in real life. I love hearing about what others believe in and am still on my journey of discovery for my own faith. Sometimes my interest gets portrayed as asking for guidance from others when I am simply interested. Some interpret my lack of religion as a lack of any higher power whereas others interpret my acknowledgement of a higher power as having religion. This will gain clarity as I release my fear of judgment and my self-esteem rises.

I can relate to Ms Hen's mention of love as a higher power. I believe much damage in this world has been caused by a lack of love.

An Update

I apologize for being away from here and from not visiting you all much. It has been a bit of a struggle as of late. Both the inner child and inner teen have been vying for my attention. I don't know what I could say is exclusively the inner child, it seems that the child's pain is a subset of the teen's pain.

I looked up 'inner teen' today as I had not really found much about such things. I found this which discusses how to make each inner child comfortable. I guess I had assumed that people only had one. I hadn't thought much about teens until I started my 'teenage rebellion' now. In some ways I feel like I have three, the last being my very late teens as I feel I have changed so much from then and yet I have a lot of pain and anger from that time.

That website discusses Hope's journey as a survivor and has advice about encountering and healing your inner children. She is not a medical professional, she is merely sharing what has helped her through her own struggle. I am glad that she wrote this as there seems to be a lot of ideas I never thought of. She also discusses other types of healing, such as meditation and dealing with triggers.

Another current event has been my reaction to the book 'Codependent No More'. I stopped reading it for now. I will definitely resume, I just have to do some more forgiving. I struggle a bit with self-hate and fully realizing how much codependent behavior I display made it a bit worse.

After a club meeting, I had a overflow of emotions in regards to not fitting in. It especially hurt as once upon a time I did feel like I fit in with those people, the first time I ever felt like I had a place. I have had those emotions since I was little, with family, school, and peers. I finally stopped my bike in the middle of a nearly empty parking lot, where no one would really pay attention, and cry it out. Not only did old feelings of not fitting in come out but soon I started thinking about everything that I blamed myself for. For not fitting in, for not making people happy, for not standing up for myself, for not fixing others, etc. I finally thought about forgiving myself for the past and for what I've become. It isn't all resolved, but I took my first step in really forgiving me.

I will continue on with that book and with other healing that I need to do. It's been suggested that I write down all that I hate about myself and explore that further. I think what I will do is list that out and then next to each one write about how I can improve or that it's in the past and I need to forgive and let go. You have all been so kind and supportive, I thank you all very much for that!

Reach Out I'll Be There

Song by the Four Tops

It just has such inspirational lyrics for your inner child or a friend in need!



Now if you feel that you can't go on
Because all your hope is gone
And your life is filled with confusion
And happiness is just an illusion
And your world around is tumblin' down
Darling, reach out
Reach out, for me.
I'll be there to love and comfort you...(tell me baby)
I'll be there with the love I'll see you through
Now when you're lost and about to give up
'cause your best just ain't good enough
and you feel the world has grown cold
and you're driftin' on your own
when you need a hand to hold
darling, reach out
reach out, for me.
I'll be there to love and comfort you
I'll be there with the love I'll see you through
I'll be there to love and comfort you
I'll be there to with the love I'll see you through
I can tell you the way I hang your head
Now with out of love , now you're afraid
And through your tears you look around
But there's no peace of mind to be found
I know what you're thinking
Without love, now you're alone
Baby, reach out
Reach out for me
I'll be there to love and comfort you
I'll be there with the Love I'll see you through
I'll be there to love and comfort you ...(tell me baby)
I'll be there to always see you through...(i'll be there)
I'll be there to love and comfort you
I'll be there with the love I'll see you through.

Codependent No More and Other Stuff

The other day, I was admiring a used bookstore and its variety of contents. One book I found was 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie, which I bought. In my eagerness, I've been flying through it. There is something to be said when you find your innermost thoughts and feelings typed up in a book. I wonder if I have overdone it a bit as now I'm a bit down. They say awareness is the first step and acceptance is the second. I seem to be struggling with accepting my codependency. I believe I am, but I don't like it one bit. I feel more guilt and shame when codependent thoughts or behavior show up. I have to remind myself that change does not happen overnight.

Well, I do have stuff to share from that book when I get a chance to finish it and pick out parts. I also have more to share related to my last post on emotional maturity and boundaries. There's a bit to pick through there.

An Analogy and Thanks

A person's mental and emotional system is like a computer. Close or intimate relationships are like giving accounts to others to your computer. Everything's dandy if you have proper privileges (emotional boundaries) set. If not, you've allowed yourself to become vulnerable to the whims of your account holders. Now, you can either trust that all the account holders in your life won't mess with your system or you can create healthy emotional boundaries so that if a toxic account holder gets access, they can't do squat.

I just thought of that today and thought I'd share.

Thank you to all for the supportive comments to my inner child post! You all have brought much peace to me, I truly appreciate it! I may post later, hopefully I'll get a nap and some coloring in for ME! *hugs to all*

Codependency & Inner Child/Teen

Last night, I wrote a post on here about feeling overwhelmed by primitive defense mechanisms, low self-esteem, and codependency. Apparently, it didn't get saved. That's ok, I have a better experience to 'blog' about after I posted that.

I took a bit of a walk and got to thinking. I have been thinking quite a bit about my lack of self-esteem and my insecurity over this last week or so. Lately, I noticed my tendencies to project my emotions and split people and things into black/white categories. Hence, I started looking up primitive defense mechanisms again, which is what first made me realize a ways back that I was emotionally immature.

As I walked along, I came to a sand pile used for some local road re-construction. I had the most child-like impulse to bury my hands in the sand. As the road I was walking by was rather busy, the adult in me waited until the traffic broke up. I only had my fingers in the sand for a moment before I scurried off ahead of the next round of traffic. Giggling, I rubbed the grittiness into my hands, leaving my crummy mood at that pile.

That sand pile impulse was what reminded me about my inner child. Has my increased projection and splitting tendencies my inner child stamping her little foot and yelling 'LOOK AT ME!'? My focus as of late on my self-esteem and insecurity had reminded me of being focused on my inner teen. What I mean by this is the 'I'm the ugliest at the ball' kind of low self-esteem attacks.

I've been told that I may be having my teenage rebellion now, illustrated by other behavior tendencies. That's entirely possible as I had no rebellion whatsoever as a teen. I remember thinking I was too mature for a rebellion of that sort. Hah! I now realize that I was not mature, but terrified and codependent.

That was quite a blow when I realized I was emotionally immature. I always had the impression that I was this serious little adult. I was too serious to get along with my peers, now I realize why people may have thought I was a snob; it wasn't just the shyness. Anyway, my 'serious and mature' side was the one thing I was really proud of, as I didn't see myself as very smart and certainly not attractive.

I felt like my low self-esteem spiraled terribly when I realized I was emotionally immature. The only thing 'good' left was my niceness and that even seems like a sham with my codependency and insecurity. I now feel like a scared little girl with nothing to offer to anyone.

I feel like I have reached a point of no return. I cannot give up on my recovery, for I am more of a mess now than before. I remember more and feel more than I ever have and I have not yet reached my peak.

Splitting and Projection -- Defense Mechanisms

I hope that I have not offended anyone with my post about whining. I certainly did not mean people are whiny or weak. It's a matter of judging myself more harshly in that area. I'm still learning that it's ok to vent and express negative feelings.

I have been struggling with self-esteem in particular today. I seem to want acceptance so badly from others. If they do provide positive feedback about my different qualities, I feel like those qualities are crap even if I like them. I just can't seem to be happy with what I think of myself. And it's difficult for me to think well of myself because I can always find exceptions.

For example, I'm kind, but x is a time I said something mean, y is a time I did something rude, etc. Oh, I guess I'm not kind then.

I attribute much of that to my view of the world in black and white. I dislike this profoundly as I believed I was rather open-minded. I want to see gray so much and I am but it's a slow progress.

One of the primary ways I discovered my own emotional immaturity was through learning about immature and mature defense mechanisms. Splitting (black/white) and projection are my two strongest immature defense mechanisms.

After realizing once again that those two mechanisms are causing problems for me, I will have to look into resolving them and replacing them with mature defense mechanisms. I will have to blog more on this topic as there are a number of informative resources out there.

Anyway, one 'hobby' I have is taking personality tests. I like to understand myself, as well as a number of topics. Anyway, every single test I've taken states that I am an INFP. Anyway, at this forum, I found this as a sticky. One thing I've been interested in is the development of personality; the nature vs. nurture argument. My further comments in bold.

Source here. I've been thinking of joining that forum. For those who are curious about their own personality type, that forum has a rather decent one linked at their registration page.

*/10 Rules to Live By to Achieve INFP Success/*

What does Success mean to an INFP? INFPs are creative, sensitive souls who take their lives very seriously. They seek harmony and authenticity in their relationships with others. They value creativity, spirituality, and honoring the individual self above all else. They are very tuned into inequity and unfairness against people, and get great satisfaction from conquering such injustices. An INFP is a perfectionist who will rarely allow themselves to feel successful, although they will be keenly aware of failures. INFPs also get satisfaction from being in touch with their creativity. For the INFP, personal success depends upon the condition of their closest relationships, the development of their creative abilities, and the continual support of humanity by serving people in need, fighting against injustice, or in some other way working to make the world a better place to be. (This description is very relatable to me, though my perfectionism makes being artistic difficult as I think everything I do is crap.)

1. Feed Your Strengths!
Encourage your natural artistic abilities and creativity. Nourish your spirituality. Give yourself opportunities to help the needy or underprivileged. (More stuff I should be doing.)

2. Face Your Weaknesses!
Realize and accept that some traits are strengths and some are weaknesses. Facing and dealing with your weaknesses doesn’t mean that you have to change who you are, it means that you want to be the best You possible. By facing your weaknesses, you are honoring your true self, rather than attacking yourself. (I like how they describe this. I worry about changing who I am beyond the bad habits and behaviors I've learned.)

3. Express Your Feelings.
Don’t let unexpressed emotions build up inside of you. If you have strong feelings, sort them out and express them, Don’t let them build up inside you to the point where they become unmanageable! (That's already happened, now to dig it all out.)

4. Listen to Everything.
Try not to dismiss anything immediately. Let everything soak in for awhile, then apply judgment. (Sound advice.)

5. Smile at Criticism.
Remember that people will not always agree with you or understand you, even if they value you greatly. Try to see disagreement and criticism as an opportunity for growth. In fact, that is exactly what it is. (Oh, I'm just awful about criticism, my black/white view of the world doesn't help.)

6. Be Aware of Others.
Remember that there are 15 other personality types out there who see things differently than you see them. Try to identify other people’s types. Try to understand their perspectives. (Sound advice.)

7. Be Accountable for Yourself.
Remember that YOU have more control over your life than any other person has. (Very important thing that I've never learned. I always figured (and still do) that others control me. I'm in the process of learning this.)

8. Be Gentle in Your Expectations.
You will always be disappointed with others if you expect too much of them. Being disappointed with another person is the best way to drive them away. Treat others with the same gentleness that you would like to be treated with. (This is where my untempered idealism kicks in.)

9. Assume the Best.
Don’t distress yourself by assuming the worst. Remember that a positive attitude often creates positive situations. (Negative assumptions are probably the main reason I have bad days, I'm like a bristled cat just waiting for others to attack sometimes.)

10. When in Doubt, Ask Questions!
Don’t assume that the lack of feedback is the same thing as negative feedback. If you need feedback and don’t have any, ask for it. (This is an assumption I also have problems with. Asking is difficult as I'm rather shy and I feel nosy sometimes.)

This seems like a solid list of stuff for me to focus on. I think some of it will help me deal with codependency and other issues.

A Mix

I would like to thank everyone for the words of support on yesterday's post. I feel a bit better today. Repressed emotions seem to make my own rather intense and more gets added as I feel bad about it coming out. It still has to, but I can find better ways of release.

I've been getting more comments about being tense. I think because of that and for a number of other reasons, I am going to try meditation. I got thinking about it again because I've read about it helping with memory recovery. I have mixed feelings about this though; if my mind has made me forget, isn't it best to let it? Yet, I do realize that finding peace is all about getting all the poison out. Also, I think meditation would help tremendously with stress and I really need to find relief from that. This website has a nice introduction for that as well as other things for me to try.

I've also added a music player to this blog. It has songs that make me feel better when this stuff gets to me. Some of it is inspirational and some is kind of down but relatable. Incubus and Sublime and maybe others have swearing. It's not constant but I figured I should mention it. Unfortunately, I couldn't get Brand New Day by Jessica Stone. That is such a pick-up song for me. Year of the Cat has nothing to do with issues or adversity; it is just such a beautiful song both in melody and in lyric. They just don't make them like that anymore.

Back in the Blog World

I just wanted to thank everyone for their input on my femininity and comment response posts. I'm glad that I can share stuff here, though it may not be well received elsewhere.

Anyway, I've been in a bit of a rough patch lately. I don't really want to go into it as it is rather minor. I feel rather ashamed for feeling badly as I really haven't had it that badly. Some of the abuse and trauma some of my readers go through makes my life seem like a fairy world.

I feel rather guilty as well because I know that my codependency and whatever other issues have made me a pain in the butt and an embarrassment to others. Understanding better that I control my emotions and reactions makes me realize that I have acted poorly and it's my responsibility. I know that I cannot change the past, I just feel bad that I haven't brought enough joy to others.

Ok, I should stop. Now I'm just whining. I hope I have not offended anyone with this post.

A Question for Bloggers

What is the general protocol for responding to comments? Should that be done in another comment or at the other person's blog? Do you come back and read new comments so you'd see the response?

Thanks a bunch for any answers!

Feminity as Symptom

Linkie link.

Instead of linking to my other blog, I thought I would make this posting. Plus, I'd prefer to be more personal on this blog.

Ever since I read about Chaz Bono's sex change here, I have been thinking more about gender and how it all fits in with me.

This has always been a difficult topic for me due to how I was raised. I learned a number of rather negative assumptions as a child. I'm a bit of a tomboy and have many interests and such that would be considered masculine. I also don't wear makeup, style my hair, and dress for comfort rather than style. I still like pretty things and I adore long skirts (so comfy!), I just don't focus on my appearance a whole lot. Though I do dwell on my weight and such.

Anyway, I have a rather complicated sense of self-hatred. On one hand, I feel inferior due to some of what may be considered feminine traits that are related to my codependency and other issues to some degree (passiveness, emotion, some concern about appearance (physical and otherwise)). Yet, it troubles me that I don't seem feminine enough because of my variety of interests and lack of girliness.

So, with a lot of self-reflection, here is what I came up with. I have to be who I want to be and that will not fit everything society or other people would want; as long as I am respecting boundaries and not bringing harm. I should be proud of who I am and the mosaic of traits that compose me. I should not think of myself as weak, I am working on self-improvement and have not given up on myself.

Anyway, I realize this was a rather personal entry. It was nice to put this all down as it's rather difficult to discuss this with some people. Some assume that by discussing it, I want to be a man. While I get along with men rather well, I have no interest in being one. Actually, one thing nice about this blog business is that I have gotten in touch with a lot more women, which has been nice.

I intend to compile a list of my qualities, what might be considered negative about them and what I find positive about them. Perhaps, that would help when this dislike of myself gets stirred up.

Fear, Self-Hatred, and Loneliness

Linkie link.

Tonight, all three of those issues came roaring up tonight, though they've been hitting pretty hard for a good week or so. I don't really understand Tantra or know what goes into it. However, I feel that this article does illustrate how fear, self-hatred, and loneliness are largely controlled by ourselves. I am hoping that realizing I control this negativity and my own life in general will empower me and move me more into the positive.

Some highlights:

Fear

We usually don't like to think of ourselves as being fearful. We use softer words, such as 'worried' and 'anxious', which seem a little more acceptable. But worry is a form of fear, and being anxious is how we feel when we succumb to fear. Since we do it often, we get pretty good at it. Most of us become so skilled at worrying that it becomes part of our lives. And yet the only thing we accomplish by worrying is misery for ourselves and others.

Self-hatred

Self-esteem and self-respect grow out of the experience of committed effort. Whether or not you succeed is not as important to your self-respect as when you know that you tried your best. And if you continue to make the effort, if you continue to work with your resources, you will eventually succeed. Self-mastery arises out of effort, the underpinning of success.

Loneliness

Most of us engage in a desperate search for someone to love us, but we confuse the issue by saying that we need someone to love. We say we want someone to share with, someone we can love, but what we are really saying is that we need someone to love us, someone who will make us feel important and keep us from feeling lonely. This is not love, but emotional attachment, which leads us into dependency.

We believe that we need this person to be happy, to be content, to be fulfilled. So our loving becomes distorted by our emotional needs. When they don't love us back, we feel miserable and unloved. When they aren't around, we feel lonely. We all have a remarkable, unlimited capacity to love one another. There is a wide range of expression of our love, from brotherly and sisterly love to romantic, sexual love. But as long as we continue to confuse love and emotional attachment, we will continue to be lonely, even when we have someone to love.

Each of these have quite an effect on me. My impression is this: by doing my best and focusing on the positive, I will increase my self-esteem. Increasing that helps with dealing with my emotional needs. Doing that will help with loneliness. Realizing that I can deal with self-esteem and loneliness will help me conquer fear. And somewhere in there assertiveness and other codependency attributes are dealt with. I realize this won't all go away perfectly and maybe I'm just babbling.

Cyclic Day

A storm weathered
profound
Once it passes
newborn waves
crashing
The storm
long forgot
A calmness enveloping
bringing peace
A cycle completes

My Time Alone

I do not think that my fear of falling would ever allow me to ride a rollercoaster as radical and winding as the one I have been on emotionally this past week. Negative assumptions have been giving me a good wallop when I do interact with others. Quite a bit of pain has been released lately, which is good. Things seem a bit clearer now that I have allowed my feelings and thoughts to manifest into a child-like form. Repressed emotions seem more understandable as I can associate them to old memories. I've been seeing more of the guilt and shame I have repressed. I think I have hidden those two feelings the best, as I am shocked with how much I have. Never feeling good 'enough' and the fear of abandonment have really been showing themselves. I'm shocked at how much of these feelings reside in me and by how much my thoughts and behavior are impacted by them. Struggling with all of this tires me and then I don't feel like taking care of what I should be. Then I just feel all the worse for that. I have been trying to control my emotions so that I do not get all upset and mess my day up. That has not worked so well but I won't give up.

Now for the positive. I had a wonderful 4th with friends I don't see often. I was so nervous, as I am with social events and such. I am quite different than many I know and I seem to equate difference with inferiority. However, it went rather well and I enjoyed myself. I've also have been watching movies that interest me: La Femme Nikita, Casablanca, Strictly Ballroom, and Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind. Some old, some quirky, some just stuff others I know may not like. I have been riding my bike a lot as well. And I bought a fresh pineapple yesterday, something I've never done. I really want to be more healthy and I'm determined to do that the right way. I have always had reasons that had nothing to do with me, always thinking I was selfish. Caring for myself is not selfish, it is a need.

I apologize for this being rather jumbled, it just spilled out this way and I don't care to edit it as this is how I am doing.

Self-Reliance

Linkie link.

The link above is an article I had found quite some time back. It is basically a woman's story on how self-reliance has helped her achieve her dream of living in a log home in the country. This article summarizes how changing your attitude from 'I need help' to 'I can find a way' can have a great impact on your life.

Recently, I have been struggling with some negative assumptions. I have a tendency to be on the lookout for proof that I am disliked. When I feel like others do not honestly like me, I go into a tailspin, as it makes me feel alone. Anyway, a few days ago, I was having a heck of a time thinking positive and getting over this wrong assumption. On a whim, I looked up that article. Reading it made me feel so good!

While its focus is on her building her home, I can relate the article to my need to not rely on others feelings and to find more value in myself.

Some highlights:

Self-reliance is a mindset. If you have it, you are on your way to independence. If you don’t, it would be in your best interest to develop it. It requires a conscious effort of replacing an “I need help” attitude to an “I can do it myself” attitude.

...

Therein lies the silver-lining of self-reliance. When you achieve even a modicum of it, you feel really good about yourself.

...

You are smarter and more capable than you think. You can’t learn if you don’t try. If a task looks daunting, get started anyway. Take it one tiny step at a time. Dream big but take baby steps. Write down a plan. List your priorities. Number them. Start in.

...

Self-reliance is learned. It’s a process of acquiring the knowledge and skills necessary to enable you to take calculated risks and achieve your goals even if you don’t have a partner. When you have tools and know how to use them, everything seems possible! And, you know what? It IS!

I would recommend reading the article itself as Dorothy Ainsworth has quite a story to tell. She now has a website located here.

Inner Child

Linkie link.

Thinking more about this inner child issue, I did some reading. The link above is some of my reading. One statement that stood out for me was the following:

"Anytime we have a strong emotional reaction to something or someone - when a button is pushed and there is a lot of energy attached, a lot of intensity - that means there is old stuff involved.

It is the inner child who feels panic or terror or rage or hopelessness, not the adult."

The first part of this excerpt I am familiar with, but I never really connected my intense anger, fear, and pain to being felt by my inner child. However, this makes a lot of sense to me. I can recall those times in my life where I have felt those feelings. It seems as though I had blocked much of that out until now. The fear, however, has always lingered about; fear of abandonment, fear of people getting too close and not liking what they saw, fear of specific people, etc.

Another aspect brought up in the article was the presence of multiple children from different ages. Perhaps this explains my varied emotional maturity? I am not sure. I suppose that just gives me more to reflect on.

An Update

The past couple of weeks have been a bit trying. I have not been posting as I am not sure what to share. I have been doing a bit of reading about codependency and other related topics. There are days (rather time periods as I do not seem to be able to stay in one mindset for a whole day) where everything seems manageable. I have such textbook codependency, I just have to work on x, y, z, etc.

Then there are days when I think about it all and my brain turns to mush. I seem to get overwhelmed whenever I try to plan or set goals. It's as though as I start thinking about what all I have to do, I freeze up. This also happens when I try to get my life more organized in general. Perhaps this is a very typical feeling, I'm not sure. Since I was quite young, I have often wondered if my thoughts, beliefs, and behavior were 'normal'. Now, learning about the impact of my childhood and codependency, I wonder this all the more.

In a couple of days, I will be basically alone for 2.5 weeks outside of work. While I dread being alone with my thoughts, memories, and emotions, I'm trying to see this as an opportunity. Not only does it give me the chance to do what I want, but I thought I could focus more on self-improvement. Unfortunately, that lovely Boundaries book JBR has been reading is checked out of the library for most of the time I'll be alone.

Anyway, if anyone has any suggestions of activities or methods for me, I'd appreciate it. I know I have a lot of pent up anger and pain within me that has to come out, but I don't want to spend all this time crying and raging. I guess my self-worth, my inner child, and assertiveness could all use work. I'm not even sure where to begin with that inner child stuff.

Well, I'm not the best at ending posts but I will say this. I appreciate the comments I have gotten here and at your blogs. I also have found a boon of codependency links that I intend to post and review as time permits.

Codependency Article

Linkie Link

Sometimes when I get frustrated with an issue, I will search for more articles about it. Codependency has been really hitting me hard over the past week or so. Thus, the link above is a result from such a search.

What I really like about this article is how it highlights the anger and frustration codependents feel as caregivers. It summaries common traits of a codependent and emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries.

Some highlights:

One of the codependency-signs is that if you ask a codependent what she wants, she simply has no idea.

Underneath the caretaker role, individuals with codependency are some of the angriest people you will ever meet.

Codependents come by their behavior honestly...they usually come from a background where things were out of control. Maybe they grew up in an alcoholic family, or in a family where parents were angry and fighting all the time, or they were victims of sexual abuse, emotional abuse, or violence. Or they were harshly criticized or ridiculed and made to feel small.

We cannot simultaneously set a boundary (a limit) and take care of another person's feelings.

What surprises me is the impact of being around fighting and chaos. I have often downplayed my feelings and such because I was not directly being physically harmed. But I guess being immersed in such an environment would still play a role.

Hand Me Down -- Matchbox 20

Heard another one...

Someday they'll find ya small town world
On a big town avenue
Gonna make you like the way they talk
When they're talking to you
Gonna make you break out of your shell
Cuz they tell you to
Gonna make you like the way they lie
Better than the truth
They'll tell you everything
You wanted someone else to say
They're gonna break your heart
^ that reminds me a bit of my life
(chorus)
From what I've seen
You're just one more hand me down
But no one's tried to give you
What you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

Somebody oughta take you in
Try to make you love again
Try to make you like the way they feel
When they're under your skin
Never once do you think that they would lie
When they're holding you
Then you wonder why they haven't called
When they said they'd call you
You'll start to wonder
If you're ever gonna make it by
You'll start to think
You were born blind

(chorus)
From what I've seen
You're just one more hand me down
But no one's tried to give you
What you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

I'm here for the hard times
The straight to your heart times
When living ain't easy
You can stand up against me
and maybe rely on me
and cry, on me yeah
^ This is a beautiful part
Someday they'll open up your world
Shake it down to the drawing board
They'll do their best to change you
they still can't erase you

(chorusX2)
From what I've seen
You're just one more hand me down
But no one's tried to give you
What you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

Music has a really powerful impact on me. It doesn't quite have the strength my codependent tendencies do at changing my emotions but it's still rather strong. Today my music listening has made me ponder if music is perhaps a way for me to cope. I feel I inherited my love and passion for music from my mother, who has been through a lot. Perhaps we both share this as a way to cope?

While an upbeat song can really make me feel good, relatable lyrics are also important. Though they may be sad, I still marvel at how well someone can capture how I feel so well with their words. I guess that just shows how universal emotions and experiences can be.

Wow, if I posted every song that touches me, I wouldn't have time for anything else. I guess that's not a bad thing after all.

Brand New Day -- Jessica Stone

Melissa she woke up one day
And saw her life in a whole new way
She stepped out with a long stride
Head high with a new pride
She'll be all right come what may
And she's making this a brand new day.

Chorus:
And she's gonna make it out here anyway
She's gonna fight, she's showing up to play
She sees herself in a new way
She's beautiful today
Her head is clear, she knows she's okay
And she's making this a brand new day.

Last night she wondered where she'd land
How could she go on without any plans
She was counting her own tears
Wrapped up in all her fears
Wanting held the way that only he can
And hating herself for needing a man.

She says "I'll settle down eventually
But now I travel light and live fancy free
I take fate in my own hand
Making music to my band
I'm taking time to focus on me
Right now this is the way it should be"

Melissa had a baby this year
She fell in love and stepped without any fear
Right into a new life
As a mother and a wife
She loves the place she's landed its clear
And she's making this her brand new year.

I just heard this song today. It's about the singer as a musician but I could relate to some of it. It's rather positive and uplifting.

And she's gonna make it out here anyway
She's gonna fight, she's showing up to play
She sees herself in a new way
She's beautiful today
Her head is clear, she knows she's okay
And she's making this a brand new day.

This part seems quite uplifting to me.

A Question

Since I have never been to professional therapy of any sort, I would like to pose a question to any that have. When that hour or whatever time period is up, how do you pick yourself up for the rest of the day? Do therapists make sure you are calm and collected before you leave?

I wonder this because I for one cannot just pick myself up as though I wasn't just talking about something troubling or painful. Unless I get that topic somewhat resolved, usually temporarily, I have a difficult time functioning. I cannot get wound up or breakdown just partially without having a good cry or talking it out.

So, I was just wondering what approaches there are and what seems to help. I realize this blog is new and does not have a lot of viewers but the question came to me and I had to put it somewhere. In the future, feel free to comment to this old post as I'll still be interested in the future.


Thanks for any input whatsoever!

This Blog

A number of months ago, I stumbled about this blog while search for something to do with negative assumptions.  This is the post I found:  From Negative Assumptions to Autonomy.  

When I found that blog, I started poking through the archive and looking at other related blogs.  While it was difficult to read about trauma so many have gone through, it truly opened my eyes to the horrors of child abuse.  Previously, I realized it was terrible and that it happened, but I never imagined the tragic things that could be done and that it happens so much more often than I thought.  

It has been such an inspiration to see so many people dealing with what's happened to them.  That takes so much courage and determination.  I also respect how so many are speaking out on the horror that is child abuse.  Imagine if the cycle of abuse could be broken, how much better the world would be!

Mainly, this blog was created so that I could give comments of support to others.  There has been so many times I wanted to comment to a post with an encouraging word or to say I had similar feelings.  I also wanted to share what articles and links I have found as many of the issues I have found in myself are related to what it seems many others face.  

I myself had quite a bit of emotional abuse both at home and at school.  There may have been some sexual abuse, but if so, my mind has it locked up.  

I hope that I can provide some useful information here.  Thanks for visiting!

Emotional Maturity

Two articles that give an overview to Robert Kegan's books on emotional maturity are located here and here.

Due to me being a rather serious and fairly ambitious child and later on teen, I had figured I was quite mature already. Only by learning more about my mishmash of boundaries, codependency, and other issues have I realized that I'm quite immature emotionally.

I hope that those articles can help others who are having a difficult time with their emotions and the emotions of others.

Codependency Overview

Linkie Link

I found the above web page with a nice comprehensive overview on the what, how, and why about codependency. A few weeks ago, I learned about codependency.

Over the last year or so, I have done a lot of reading about various issue-related topics. Thus, I've learned quite a bit about overzealous idealism and perfectionism, assertiveness, the importance of self-esteem, and the impact of abuse. However, it was when I learned about codependency that I developed an overall understanding of myself and what issues I have. I was amazed at how many of the symptoms I have, it fits so well.

What was new to me about that link was the mention of a lack of fun or playfulness in a codependent person. I did not realize that my seriousness and my avoidance to social and fun events may be part of my codependence.