February 2010 Edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse!

Welcome to the February 2010 edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse! This carnival increases awareness of child abuse and allows survivors to connect. This month, we are having the theme of birthdays, since four days from now is my own. Birthdays can be quite emotional for survivors.

Please enjoy the following posts! They have been categorized as the following: Birthday-Themed, Advocacy and Awareness, Aftermath, Art Therapy, Healing and Therapy, In the News, Poetry, and Survivor Stories.

If you, as an author or reader, come across relevant blog posts of merit, please submit them to future Blog Carnivals Against Child Abuse!



Birthday-Themed

IK (me) at Issue Knitting presents Birthday Thoughts. These are just some reflections of my birthday and what the day means and how it has been impacted.

Kate Wiggin at Kate1975's Blog shares Birthday Musings. In this post, Kate captures the various emotions brought on by birthdays, both in the past and the now.

katie at sharing our spaces posts healing the inner child. With the birthday theme, she discusses the movie The Kid, where an unhappy workaholic sees a younger version of himself. Expanding further, she also brings up the book 'Healing the Child Within'. I found this post rather helpful as that book has a lovely list of real self qualities versus the false or codependent self.

From Marj aka Thriver at Survivors Can Thrive! comes A Part Is Born. Marj shares her experience with DID and the birth of alters.

One Survivor at A Survivor's Thoughts on Life reflects with My Sister. This is a reflection of One Survivor's sister, as her birthday approaches.

Patricia Singleton at SPIRITUAL JOURNEY OF A LIGHTWORKER shares Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker: My Mom---The Silent Parent. This is a very touching tribute on her mother's birthday this month.

Rick Belden at poetry, dreams, and the body enters poetry, dreams, and the body » Blog Archive » broken birthday 51. Rick shares, "This poem was written on the morning of my 51st birthday in November 2008. Birthdays have typically been difficult for me throughout my life, but watching myself get another year older while I'm still trying to heal from a childhood that feels farther and farther away from me all the time adds another layer of challenging feelings to the experience."


Advocacy and Awareness

Aaliyah Williams at Masters in Elementary Education provides 9 Blogs About Childrearing Worth Reading. Here is a handy resource about childcare for parents and parents to be.

Dr. Alan Singer at FamilyThinking.com with Dr. Alan Singer writes Better Safe Than Stupid. Dr. Alan Singer remarks, "A parent must assume full responsibility for their child's well-being at all times, from infancy to when the child starts school, and then some. That's why something that I saw recently left an indelible impression on me."

Ekawaaz offers We should Be Ashamed: The Rampant Exploitation Of Children Continues in India. Ekawaaz says, "This Video I had captured 2 weeks ago in Lucknow, the state capital of India’s largest state. What a shame! This video is clearly saying that in India the rampant exploitation of children continues and no one really bothered be it local administration or Government. People do talk about NGO’s do talk about but the reality is that we are not doing enough to end this SHAME."

End Slavery Now at End Human Trafficking submits Saudi Girl, 12, Sold in Marriage to 80-Year-Old Relative. This article brings to light the fact that Saudi Arabia has no minimum age for marriage and how young daughters are sold off to marriage.

Surbhi at The Viewspaper posts Child Sexual Abuse: A Frightening Reality. Bringing India's problem with child sexual abuse up front, this article advocates doing something about this terrible problem that faces many more nations than India. As I check this, it was having an issue loading but is the right URL. I believe they may be having a temporary server glitch.


Aftermath

AM White at From Survivor to Thriver shares Fatherly Confusion « From Survivor to Thriver. This was an important post for AM White's recovery, for she figures out the negative impact of her father. This is certainly a relatable piece.

Colleen at Surviving by Grace writes Is It My Turn To Fly?. Colleen reflects on a lovely song about growth and reaching a point of strength and courage.

cornnut32 at picture of experience gives us cracked: understanding why i act the way i do. From a book about addicts and their rehab, cornnut32 finds insight into how she as a survivor is how she is. I personally found this post rather helpful as I can relate to much of the book's excerpt that she posted.

Lily at Locating My Life reflicts with Please Stop. Lily remarks, "A constant struggle for me, and many survivors. I know I sure could use others insight to help me understand. Hopefully this will help someone else ." This struggle is in regards to cutting, a form of self injury.

Shadowlight offers Forms of dissociative disorder « Shadowlight's Blog. This is a very informative post that illustrates the different forms of dissociative identity disorder.


Art Therapy (To stand on their own, without my interpretation.)

Paul at Mind Parts presents Visual Words. Paul remarks, "I wanted to introduce readers to what they can do with "word clouds"".


Healing and Therapy

Adam at ZenTactics - Child Abuse Recovery submits Healing the Inner Child. This post explains why you should heal your inner child and what may help you with this undertaking.

Cynthia Bland at Voice Found enters speak to your inner child. In this entry, Cynthia recalls a time she comforted her inner child. It's a wonderful reminder of how important re-parenting yourself can be for a survivor.

Dan Hays at Thoughts Along The Road to Healing writes My Inner Child. Dan says, "Informal thoughts about how to help my inner child heal, in response to a question from a friend."

Darlene Ouimet at Emerging From Broken posts The Longing for Family, Love and Self Love. This is a very touching post about rising above an abusive past to a serenity of self-love and acceptance.

Dr. Kathleen Young presents Overcoming Negative Self-Talk. This is a very informative post about negative self-talk and how to deal with it.

From fatgirloreo at OREO comes I Believe In Paying It Forward. She shares her experience with a support group and its final meeting.

JUST BE REAL gives us VENDING MACHINE OF PLEASING. This entry is a wonderful analogy relating vending machines and people pleasing. I really enjoyed this one myself.


In the News

Ekawaaz provides Indias shame: Sexual slavery, the Prostitution Racket and Child prostitutes: Channel 4 Investigation (video). Ekawaaz shares, "While doing some other work and looking for some other video, I came across with this report of Channel 4 and to be honest I was shocked and disgusted to see how the hell this type of force sex slavery is still going on and people involved in are not getting caught? What’s wrong with our system? We want it all, we want to be super power but unfortunately we are not able to protect these kids from this sex slavery trade. God save Indian Kids!"

Regina Scharf at DEEP BRAZIL offers 5 million workers under age « DEEP BRAZIL. This informative article explains that over five million Brazilian workers are under 18, many without pay, and the horrible conditions they must work in.



Poetry (To stand on their own words, not mine.)

Hope at Hope for Trauma posts Clouds & Rain « Hope for Trauma.


Survivor Stories

Jeff Bennett at Secret of a Kiss writes Childhood memories « Secret of a Kiss. This entry recalls sexual childhood memories of the author and their impact on him then and now.

Shen at Reunited Selves reflects with DID and the Fifth Step. Shen relates a moment of clarity she had related to dissociative identity disorder and the holding on to resentments and past experiences.

Who I Am Versus Who I Should Be Versus Who I Want To Be

I wanted to post this as it means something to me. Today I have struggled with comparing myself to others. Now mind you, I don't positively compare, I only see what I lack. This also brings up a lot of insecurity in me. So, as I was walking home tonight, I thought more about this. I felt rather crappy about all of this and wanted to reach a point of comfort and peace, even if it wasn't totally resolved.

I got thinking about how I should do some art therapy. I started to visualize how I see myself, how I thought I was supposed to be, and what I truly wanted to be like. I would like to actually paint and share.

Anyway, I came to this conclusion. Now, I don't know if this was what I felt when I was younger but it may explain some things. By some odd event, some men's magazines started arriving at my home when I was a teen. I do not mean pornography, I mean those magazines where the gals are all clothed yet sexual and they have other topics as well.

I remember becoming engrossed in these magazines, sneaking a look whenever. Not for sexual attraction, but more for curiosity. So, this was what men desired. Boys disliked me a lot growing up and this seemed like a way into their minds. Now, this did not make me dress more seductively (would never have been allowed to and was too shy to), be sexual with boys (they didn't like me, got lots of preaching against it, felt too immature for such things), or change my appearance (didn't want to spend money or time on cosmetics and such).

However, I do believe that this strong belief I have of men only wanting sex or me because of sex come from this. These women looked, acted, and dressed nothing like me. While I never acted out like them, I still seem to hold them upon some pedestal. Also, I think that I got such ideas as I believed I had nothing else to offer. What I had was so different than these women and the impression I had about their personality. I do not hate women like what is in magazines at all, they are humanly sisters of mine. Yet, I do seem to hate that I am not them.

This is so conflicting, moreso now, as I come to accept and like myself more. This seems to be a common theme, internal conflict. My awareness and self-love is violently opposing false beliefs and habits. It will be interesting to see how the awareness and self-love will conquer.

<3

Birthday Thoughts

In one week, I will be having another birthday.  Unlike many, I do not dread my birthday.  With each year, I learn more and grow, no matter what bad may happen.  Birthdays were always a big deal for my family.  It was nice to have some people be glad I was born.  I had very few friends growing up, so birthdays were more of a family affair.  So while they were depressing in that I had no friends that wanted to celebrate, it was also stressful for another reason.  A lot of cleaning had to happen due to hoarding, and us kids did a bulk of it.  Also, the fact that this cleaning had to be done caused a lot of tension and fighting, none of it from us kids as we were too busy doing the work.  We were trying to look perfect and normal to other gossipy relatives, but that didn't help.  Not all of it was bad.  My grandma made tasty and lovely cakes and we always had plenty of good food.  With company, whatever tension there was was stuffed down.  Things almost felt peaceful, though artificial.

As I have gotten older, birthdays have been more about solitude.  There are people who still care, some that don't.  Most people I know don't take birthdays very seriously.  Even with all the tension and conflict back then, I learned that birthdays were important.  So, I still see them that way.  I try to let others know that they are cared about and that I'm happy that they are alive.  There's not much worse than to realize someone wishes you didn't exist.

To finish this rather taxing post off, I would like to share some ways to celebrate yourself, regardless if it's your birthday.  I would like to do some of this on my birthday.

- Make art for yourself.  Be it paint, pencil, or clay:  create something beautiful and meaningful for you.
- Take a long, slow walk.  In general, we are all so busy and preoccupied.  No matter where you walk, you release good chemicals and take some time to enjoy existing in this world.
- Show kindness.  Smile, say hello, et cetera.  There are many ways to be kind without harming oneself or acting codependent.
- Indulge in good food. 
- Take in some different beauty.  Whether in a museum, a park, a forest, et cetera, find some beauty you don't usually see/hear/sense. 

Upcoming Carnival and ABCs

First off, I want to remind everyone that the deadline for the blog carnival is this Wednesday.  The submissions will be up this Friday.  I have gotten a lot of great submissions so far, keep them coming!

As I was reading about the twelve steps (in regards to Coda), I got curious about what atheists did.  I know a lot of atheists and so I  was looking into that.  Some people make revisions to the twelve steps and some people use Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy.  I found the ABCs model, both from REBT (RET) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy rather useful.  That Cognitive Behavioral Therapy link also has a list of how we distort our beliefs.  Another good link I just discovered here.

The ABC model seems to be a wonderful way to stop and think about the negative beliefs we commonly consult.  For example, some negative beliefs I have are that others don't care, others take me for granted, others expect me to take care of them, et cetera.  Now, these beliefs didn't come from nowhere, I learned them from prior experience and I still have experiences where such beliefs are valid.  However, there are many times when the other person does not feel that way at all.  Thus, friction and conflict occur because I make negative assumptions via my beliefs.  This all goes into idealism and passive-aggressiveness for me as well.  I know that coping.org had those pages, but now it looks like livestrong.com does not.  I liked coping.org for its simple format but hey, the info's still there.

Control....

I seem to be bombarded by the topic of control as of late.  On one hand, I feel out of control, struggling to keep a handle on things.  Emotions and other people's effect are just running me ragged.  However, I have such a need to control, myself and others.  I demand to take responsibility for all problems and mistakes.  So where does this leave me?  A big rotten mess of frustration, anger, and despair.

So, how does one conquer this, or at least make it better?  Here are some ideas I have come up with:
- Learn to accept that there are some things I have no control over.  However, I can control how I react to them.  The best means I see in doing this would be to be more mindful of my thoughts.  When I notice irritation within, find out why and what I can do to feel better about the situation.
- Learn to accept my feelings.  When they arise, let me feel them fully.  I may not be able to do that right away (at work, school, etc.), but try to find some time to do that.  Walking home would be a good time.  Get used to fully feeling anger, guilt, and saddness.  Think about what I can do to change anything or at least bring myself up.
- Learn to accept other people.  Most people are not trying to wrong me.  I have grown up learning to assume negative reactions and actions from others.  Sometimes, me assuming like that brings about those negative reactions (i.e. self-fulfilling prophesy).  Also, many people have grown up with at least some emotional abuse in their lives.  While that may not excuse their actions completely, I should be able to empathesize with others more in regards to that.  I cannot change them, only they can.  I also have to accept that others may NOT accept me.  I cannot make them do that.
- Take care of myself.  I have developed some awful habits in regards to a lack of self-esteem.  I need to decide on some rituals to take care of me.  I, along with others, will not take me seriously if I don't even have the time to take care of myself.  It may annoy others, but it's MY time, not their's. 
- Stop constant blaming of myself.  If I have some responsibility for something, take stock of it and move on.  Improve my choices, reactions, and attitudes so I cause less trouble.  Remember, life is a series of crossroads.  One does not always have to go down the same one.

If anyone else has some suggestions, I would love to hear it.  I may have do some more in-depth reading in regards to codependency.  I may find more tips there in regards to control.

Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

This month, I will be hosting the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse.  The submission deadline is Wednesday, February 17th.  The carnival will be on display Friday, February 19th.  As this month is the month of my birthday, I am suggesting birthdays as a theme.

Birthdays are a reminder of our entrance into this world.  Thus, birthdays may have an effect on abuse or the healing from such abuse.  For me, birthdays have a bittersweet impression because of this.  Additional tension and conflict during birthdays, resentment and guilt doled out, and a gratitiude for being alive are all associated to birthdays for me.

By no means is one required to submit something birthday-related.  All are welcome!  The categories for the entries are advocacy & awareness, aftermath, art therapy, healing & therapy, in-the-news, poetry and survivor stories.  To enter an entry, please visit this link!

With each carnival, there is more advocacy against child abuse.  The impact of such abuse on children, adults, and society as a whole is quite devastating.  My hope for this world is the lessening of child abuse with each generation.  I am happy to do whatever it takes to make that possible.

I am super excited to host this month and see what everyone submits!  Thank you in advance for any submissions you feel comfortable sending!

Rambles of me

A lot has flooded my mind as of late.  I feel a bit overwhelmed.  I've been struggling getting what I need done.  My mind has also been on a sense of loss I have been feeling.  I may be losing someone close to me in the next year.  Also, my tendency to push away others has been really getting to others I care about.  I feel so much anger and sadness.  I feel like withdrawing in when this happens but then I just push people away more and don't feel all that good.  But I can be so difficult to deal with. 

The more awareness I feel, the more angry I am with myself.  I can see where I struggle with detachment, assertiveness, and self-esteem.  I punish myself a lot.  My discovery of such anger and hatred of myself really surprised me.  I feel like I've been so numb most of my life.  These last few months, I woke up and now feel so much.  It's strange to feel so angry, so sad, so happy, so scared, etc.  It doesn't seem real.

I feel like in the last day or so, I have had a graduation day of sorts.  You know how teens become adults when they've graduated high school, with responsibilities of their own?  I feel like I have realized the responsibility I have over my emotions, my reactions, and my circumstances.  I feel truly weary of arguing with others and being so negative and self-sabotaging.  I can tell that I will still have my bad days and such.  But I feel like I've come to appreciate more of what I can do myself. 

I get so frustrated when I have let my emotions and well-being be impacted by others.  I feel like I have failed.  However, I see that when that happens and I become a wreck, I can recover so much faster now.  I go from being self-hating and down to self-love and encouragement.  I'm not detaching but I'm recovering faster and faster.  That goes for anger too.  I don't know if that's normal and I  know it's not the same as detaching.  However, it gives me hope.  I am gaining control, peace. 

I'm also recovering faster from anger.  I am actually letting myself feel anger and letting it go.  What angers me may not all vanish but I can get over it for the time being. 

Anyway, this got rambly.  But when I let go, I guess that is what happens. I feel better typing this out. 

Have a good night all!!!!  *hugs*  <3