A Waste of Time

One of the most common defense mechanisms I still use is projection.  Yesterday, I realized a very major projection that I have done since I was a kid.  Yesterday was when I realized that I believed that I was a waste of time.  Though I've tried to convince others of this, indirectly and directly, yesterday was when I consciously realized that I have been doing this for so long.

There are a number of instances and examples that should have been this clear so much sooner.  I first recognized I had low self-esteem in 7th grade.  I felt that it was tied to be being a shy, fat nerd and that since I couldn't change who I was, I just didn't deserve self-esteem.  I have also been poor at taking care of my things, of my body, and my time.  Over the last year or so, I have improved on that kind of self-care, yet I still have years of bad habits to undo.  I still won't be able to undo all of the damage I have done.

So, this really isn't an earth-shattering realization.  However, it does help me understand a major projection and means of self-sabotage that I have been doing.  It also gives me a way to improve how I feel about myself.  I can now counteract that belief of me being a waste of time (and money) by consciously giving myself what I need.

I do feel that there is a silver lining with this cloud.  While I may have felt like a waste, I also did not become extravagant.  I wonder if my frugal nature is partially related to this.  I do not feel that this is bad.  I enjoy not letting good items go to waste because they are used or need a little repair.  It makes me feel good about myself and value my work more as that is what pays for what I buy.  I also have learned to enjoy the simple things in life.

Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real. ~Author Unknown

As usual, when I need to write, I do not.  A lot has happened as of late.  In a couple of weeks, my sister's cast will be replaced with a brace and she will no longer need crutches.  Right now, my father is in the hospital as they try to drain fluid from him as his diuretics have not been working.  Meanwhile, I have let myself regress into old behavior but seem to be coping fairly well.

I have realized more so lately how much fear has its grip on me.  Some of it is rather direct, such as a fear of my father.  Some of it has been more veiled.  These fears include fear of my father's illness, of my family's judgment, and how I invoke fear in others as I associate it with love.  I despise fear, yet seem to seek it out, envelope myself in it.

The more I realize this, the more startled I feel.  This will take time to accept and conquer.

It's been quite a while since I've felt so messed up.  I am proud and glad that I have made things better for myself.  However, I have fallen on my face as of late.  Though, I'm taking more on and avoiding less.  Fear and awkwardness have less of a grip on me, though I'm still held fast.  So far, I feel a little depressed and I've been withdrawing into myself.  I used to feel like this all the time, only a year at most ago.  I used to feel so helpless, so scared.

Now, sadness, anger, and guilt have been getting felt and labeled.  One friend has wondered if I'm finally no longer numb.  I can think back to things and see the bad and feel the feelings I would have felt.  I feel more in touch with my 'inner team'. 

Realizing all of this just means I will be going back uphill.  This post has been a lovely start.  Thank you to all for your eyes and your support!  <3

As the Dust Settles ...

As things have quieted down, I feel like I can sit and type a spell.

I have been thinking of my blogs as of late.  As I have gotten more personal here, I feel less of a need for my second 'more personal' blog.  I also don't care for the name and identity I've taken here.  I wish I would have thought of something more adaptable.  As my little web home has become more, its title and persona are limited.

I have noticed that one way I am poor with self-care is by not taking the time to arrange or take care of my stuff and locations.  I feel that this is true here in my web home as well.  I will just have to work on it as I do with other things.

Now on to family affairs.  First, I feel that I should be a bit more open in terms of background.  Basically, my father is ill and is not expected to live long.  He was rather sick with something but now that has subsided.  However, it coincided with my sister breaking and dislocating her ankle.  As the local doctors were not knowledgable, they referred them elsewhere.  However, my father's illness was at its worst when they had to go.  Their phone died and I'm not sure what happened with the cell, but we could not reach them all last week.

So, this week, I took her down here to get properly treated.  They have been professional, timely, and very friendly.  Though there is a lack of insurance, they never made us feel like scum.  Unfortunately, some places do that.  I took on a bit more than my other sister.  I'm not going to dwell on any negatives of these past couple of weeks.

Instead, I shall compile a list of positive events:
- my family is alive and safe, though dysfunctional
- I got to spend time with my grandmother
- I got to talk to an uncle I haven't talked to in at least a decade
- people have noticed how much easier I am to socialize with
- I see what areas I still struggle in badly and how it affects others
- I haven't given up on myself
- I have helped people I love
- I have gotten a lot of support from friends and work
- I have online bloggie friends that inspire and encourage me with their posts and comments
- I see even more how I must free myself from emotional eating
- I have two functional legs (my, how we take such appendages for granted!)
- I'm learning to not dwell so much and to just live and be mindful
- I've been re-inspired by Bruce Lee
- This Bruce Lee quote fits quite well with some of the areas that I have been struggling in: 

“Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless - like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”

I have been seeing more and more how things come together.  It seems that as I struggle, more good things come along to guide me.  A major area of concern for me is my tendency to be defensive and have negative assumptions.  This stuff is what first got me realizing I needed to work through some things.  I feel rigid and helpless at times.  What Bruce Lee says about there being no limits and to be like water is incredibly soothing to me.  For me, having no limits means no irrational fear and total self-control.  To be flexible means less stress and less attempts at controlling others.

Anyway, I shall rest now.  Take care all!  *hugs*  <3