To Blossom

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin


The above quote fits my current feelings rather well.  I have such a mix of emotions with this time in my life.  I sit here, tears streaming down my cheeks.  I feel so scared, so overwhelmed.  Yet, I feel so blessed and lucky at the same time.  These tears are both of sadness and joy.
 
I feel as though I am slowly learning who this stranger is inside.  I am starting to feel, to think, to believe, to love, to want, etc.  How is this possible?  That question cycles over and over in my head.  Things seem so rocky now.  So much repressed emotion and negativity overwhelm me.  Yet, a joy is starting to flow through my life.  I am starting to appreciate life and the world even through my dark valleys.  And I'm starting to know me.  I'm beginning to understand why I think, feel, and act as I do.  I am starting to feel power over myself for the first time.  Loving myself seems more possible.
 
I will be happy and at peace.  I believe that though things are rather dim right now.  I wonder if teens go through all kinds of emotions and rebellions and such as I have been feeling.  I was the care-taker back then, so I had a very serious and structured teen time.  I have wondered also if others who could not be teens when they were have a lapse for such behavior as it seems that I do.  This here is a little bit of a tangent as what I'm describing above isn't quite what I imagine teens thinking.
 
Oh, and another tangent:  I'm going through major PMS right now.  With stress, I get extremely emotional at this time.  I have to take care around others so I don't get moody on them, which can be difficult.  However, I have realized that my moodiness emboldens me to bring up things and think about issues that bother me a lot.  I feel like I grow more during this time because of that.  I also cry a lot more about past pain that I need to release.  I'm starting to think more and more that the idea that everything happens for a reason has a lot of truth behind it.
 
Anyway, I kind of muddled the end of this with some tangents.  It is nice to feel joy at this time of month though, that does not usually happen for me.  It's all related though, my moodiness gets me to talk about things about myself that I may not share otherwise.  I learn so much more about myself.
 
Goodnight all!  *hugs*  <3

Observing Jealousy

It's funny, Katie posted this in regards to wanting to feel special.  The next day, something actually happened with me that is worth noting, though it embarrasses me terribly.  I felt jealousy against a child, while I am supposed to be an adult.  Feeling this, I then felt angry and ashamed.

Instead of just dwelling on it, I actually started to decompose this situation.  First, I observed my jealous feelings against this child.  I then looked for what I was actually jealous of, which was an ability to be directly affectionate with others.  This child could just chat up people so easily and just hug and tell others she missed them and just express all of this so freely.  So, next I looked at why I felt I could not be this way myself.  Firstly, I am just not used to being affectionate.

Secondly, and most importantly, I feel that by being affectionate, I bring people closer.  The closer people are with me, the more likely it seems that I get codependent and enmeshed with them emotionally.  So, by not being affectionate, I was protecting me from myself.    I feel like this explains me being hesitant with having close friends.  Some of it may be me being socially inept, but also it's a means of protection.

So, while things like this jealousy make me feel anger and shame, they are simply signs directing me to what needs to change.  By working on detachment and assertiveness, I lose my codependent grip with others and allow myself to feel safe to pursue friendships.

Also, this illustrates all the more the sick tendency I have to treat myself as an enemy.  I see more and more ways that I needlessly drag myself through the mud.  However, I am also seeing ways to counteract such behavior.

An Inquiry For Anon Goers

After realizing how deep and complicated my control issues are, I have been considering going to a CODA meeting.  I thought it couldn't hurt to see what it was about and maybe it'd help.

My state only has two meetings, both in this town.  One is open and one is step.  They are on the same night but an hour and a half apart.  The step is the earliest and farthest one away.

I am curious if anyone has input on a preferred format.  The step seems a bit more structured and in some ways more helpful.  The step is also only for women.

Also, I have been hesitant to join these meetings as I don't know if I can truly believe in giving my problems to someone else, higher power or not.  Does this mean I shouldn't go?  I don't care to pretend or agree emptily with the other meeting goers as that seems to undo the purpose of going.  Both meetings are in churches.  I'm not an atheist but I am spiritual, not religious.  I also feel like I should be handling my troubles.  So maybe I shouldn't go?  I'm not sure. 

Thank you in advance for any feedback!  You do not have to go to these meetings to submit feedback, I'd love to hear what anyone has to say.

Breaking the Grip of Control and Victim Thinking

Many different issues, beliefs, and feelings have been revealing themselves to me this summer.

Lately, a pretty major undercurrent has appeared regarding control.  Growing up, I felt so controlled but accepted it as I felt I had no other option.  Over the years, I have noticed a fear of being controlled.  More recently, I have noticed how much I try to control my environment and the people in it.  It's as though I'm trying to control myself by controlling who and what is around me. 

Even more recently, I have noticed how much I feel other people have control over me.  I have been finding more and more ways that this belief shows itself.  When people tell me about things that should be done, I assume they are ordering me to do it.  When people express things that I don't agree with or are offended by, I feel like they are trying to control my thoughts and beliefs. 

Feeling this way leaves me in a constant cycle of feeling like a victim.  I did not realize just how much I feel like a victim.  I also had no idea how much I self-sabotage myself and how much pressure I put on myself for others.  The more I think about it, the more I see how many subconscious thoughts I have that are about doing what others want.  I have not taken control of my own life and have less of a self than I realized.

This is all rather scary and depressing.  However, I am becoming more aware of these harmful patterns and behavior.  I can now do more about this.

I feel like as I get more aware of my issues, I feel worse about myself.  I also get overwhelmed by all of these feelings, beliefs, memories, etc.  However, I must appreciate that I have come so far. 

I have been trying to think of what I can do to take control, feel worthy, and heal better.  I feel like I have been dwelling on lot on negative issues I have.  I have struggled to focus on my school plans, work, and life in general.

Here is a short list I have compiled on how I can help myself and find some balance:
- take care of myself with healthy food, habits, and sleep
- do more writing for myself
- focus on the positive
- be more observant of myself

I am going to try to not over-analyze and dwell so much.  I'm just going to keep being positive and develop my self-worth.   Take care all!  *hugs*  <3

Reflections of Now

I have really been struggling as of late.  A lot of struggles have been caused by myself.  I have been very defensive and reactionary.  My family is in better health, yet there still is drama and stress to deal with.  This has been a very painful and overwhelming time.  However, I am learning a lot about myself.

What I have learned:
- I truly must work on how I cope.  I have a tendency to avoid, push away, and eat unhealthy and expensive food.
- Much of what I fear in my life is what I myself have.  This includes anger, fear itself, guilt, hatred, etc.  I wonder as I accept and feel these fears, my fear of these things in others will lessen. 
- Codependent No More can be such a help.  When I felt really icky earlier, I started reading some of it.  I got reminded about detachment, preventing reactionary behavior, and the Drama Triangle.  This centered me and made me realize how much crappy feeling I had was because of codependency.
- Inspiring blog posts have also been helpful.  Marj reminded me of the importance of feeling past feelings.  Paula reminded me to not give up and press on.  Katie reminded me to look at the progress I have made from the past.  Ms Hen always reminds me that being positive and at peace is possible no matter what life throws at you.  I am grateful to have a way to share and read what everyone out here shares.