Oh, where do I even begin?! I had one of the greatest days of my life. It started off with a lovely bike ride to some tasty breakfast burritos and coffee with a dear I shall nickname Buck. After a short day at work, I then biked over to Buck's to enjoy the beautiful day. I spent an hour or two reading in a lounge chair. I then shot hoops with Buck until a couple of kids came by after school, I shall call them Six Pack and Buddha.
As the day went on, I got sprayed by a hose, chalked a giant disabled girl with a mushroom tree being peed on by a dog/mouse and climbed upon by a red cat with a sun and spontaneous rainbow. That drawing would make an epic album cover someday. Six Pack's mom was my muse for the dog peeing and the cat. Buddha helped me color in some stuff and added some talking bubbles. It is a lot harder to draw by dimension on a giant slab of concrete than a piece of paper. While drawing, I got the best compliment: Buddha said I 'acted just like a kid!'
I could just feel my inner child come alive within. I do not remember feeling so much joy. I feel like I regained a sense of innocence I do not even remember feeling before. I felt consistently happy and drama-free for hours. It was truly wonderful. My head is now buzzing with happiness and the need to process so many emotions and undercurrent thoughts.
Oh and before I made it to Buck's, I went into a thrift store, on a random adventure for slippers. I came out, however, with a darling and funky quilt hat (will show in a pic soon), a pink Playboy baseball cap for my sister, and a perfect greeting card. I will have to make up more nicknames for blogging. ;) Oh, and me and Buck had some lovely intelligent conversations in between the fun.
And soon, I will end the perfect day with a perfect meal of grilled cheese burgers, pasta salad, and s'mores. I hope you all have had a wonderful day! Take care! *hugs* <3
Inspiring Music
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
An Update
A number of issues have been on my mind as of late. I can focus a bit better on them now that my semester is finished. I may go into greater detail with single topic posts later on. Right now, I just want to get back on my blogging horse.
Care-taking: Taking care of my dad's affairs, being recently sick with a cold, and Mother's Day got me thinking about my continued care-taking behavior. It angers me that I have trained people to expect me to take care of their problems or themselves. I feel bitter that I missed out on healthy care-taking from my parents. I feel bitter that I had to be everyone's 'mom' back home. I feel guilty that after I left for school, my family imploded with a divorce and worsened drinking habits that eventually killed my dad. Why did I have to be the emotional crutch of the family?! I was just a kid ...
Emotions: I have had to deal with A LOT of emotions. I am so glad I am better at handling them. I still struggle with expressing them, but I have improved on identifying them and letting myself feel them. I am rather sick of dealing with so many negative emotions, but I have put them off long enough.
Adult Child: This relates to the prior two topics as well as with other topics. I am realizing how much inner child work I really have. I still struggle with black/white thinking. I still struggle with letting go and having fun. I long for many child-like things: a mother's embrace, open discussions with dad, playing, coloring, etc.
Grief Work: There is a lot of grief on my mind. I still grieve my dad's death. I also grieve for his life. He gave up much of his life to make his parents happy. He is who I learned my codependency from the most. I must not follow his path. I also grieve my boss, who was brutally murdered at New Years. I worked with him for 5.5 years. He commuted, remoted from home, and travelled a lot, but he had a positive impression on my life. If not for him, I would have never pursued grad school. He was also a positive role model for a man. He was not angry, uptight, or bitter. He was friendly, laidback, and fun. I learned that I did not have to fear all men. I grieve for my grandma, who though still alive, has fallen deep into Alzheimer's after my dad's passing. My uncle and aunts have separated us from her as much as possible. It breaks my heart as she was a huge maternal influence. I grieve for my mom, also still alive. I grieve for the relationship we could have had. I grieve for the implied belief that my birth ruined her life. I grieve for her and my dad's dysfunctional childhoods and the abuse they suffered. I grieve for my childhood and the loss of time I feel that I have suffered.
It seems that a lot of what I feel bad about is about me. I feel greedy and selfish for feeling bad for myself. I hope that I can learn that it is ok to feel bad for me. I can feel some empathy and sympathy for myself too, not just other people. I can want nurturing and support. While it may be ok to feel badly because others don't provide it to me, it is not their job. It is my job to nurture and support myself. I only hope I can truly learn how to do this.
Gratitude List:
- It is finally spring! The grass is so green now!
- I am learning so much about myself and the people in my life.
- I care about myself enough to want to make positive changes.
- I am learning to let go of others and their affairs.
- This is the hardest time in my remembered life but I am also the happiest I have ever been.
Care-taking: Taking care of my dad's affairs, being recently sick with a cold, and Mother's Day got me thinking about my continued care-taking behavior. It angers me that I have trained people to expect me to take care of their problems or themselves. I feel bitter that I missed out on healthy care-taking from my parents. I feel bitter that I had to be everyone's 'mom' back home. I feel guilty that after I left for school, my family imploded with a divorce and worsened drinking habits that eventually killed my dad. Why did I have to be the emotional crutch of the family?! I was just a kid ...
Emotions: I have had to deal with A LOT of emotions. I am so glad I am better at handling them. I still struggle with expressing them, but I have improved on identifying them and letting myself feel them. I am rather sick of dealing with so many negative emotions, but I have put them off long enough.
Adult Child: This relates to the prior two topics as well as with other topics. I am realizing how much inner child work I really have. I still struggle with black/white thinking. I still struggle with letting go and having fun. I long for many child-like things: a mother's embrace, open discussions with dad, playing, coloring, etc.
Grief Work: There is a lot of grief on my mind. I still grieve my dad's death. I also grieve for his life. He gave up much of his life to make his parents happy. He is who I learned my codependency from the most. I must not follow his path. I also grieve my boss, who was brutally murdered at New Years. I worked with him for 5.5 years. He commuted, remoted from home, and travelled a lot, but he had a positive impression on my life. If not for him, I would have never pursued grad school. He was also a positive role model for a man. He was not angry, uptight, or bitter. He was friendly, laidback, and fun. I learned that I did not have to fear all men. I grieve for my grandma, who though still alive, has fallen deep into Alzheimer's after my dad's passing. My uncle and aunts have separated us from her as much as possible. It breaks my heart as she was a huge maternal influence. I grieve for my mom, also still alive. I grieve for the relationship we could have had. I grieve for the implied belief that my birth ruined her life. I grieve for her and my dad's dysfunctional childhoods and the abuse they suffered. I grieve for my childhood and the loss of time I feel that I have suffered.
It seems that a lot of what I feel bad about is about me. I feel greedy and selfish for feeling bad for myself. I hope that I can learn that it is ok to feel bad for me. I can feel some empathy and sympathy for myself too, not just other people. I can want nurturing and support. While it may be ok to feel badly because others don't provide it to me, it is not their job. It is my job to nurture and support myself. I only hope I can truly learn how to do this.
Gratitude List:
- It is finally spring! The grass is so green now!
- I am learning so much about myself and the people in my life.
- I care about myself enough to want to make positive changes.
- I am learning to let go of others and their affairs.
- This is the hardest time in my remembered life but I am also the happiest I have ever been.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Major Internal Shifts
Oh my goodness, it has been almost two months since I last posted!
Oh, where shall I begin? My eyes tear up with the sudden realization that in a week it will be six months since my dad passed. This brings up quite a lot. I cannot believe so much time has passed. It makes me feel sad, a bit guilty for getting on as well as I have tried to, and miss him a lot.
I seem to be drowning in all sorts of grief. With my dad, the brutal murder of my boss (they still have not found all of him :( ), the mental degradation of my grandma, and the realization that my family and relatives are so dysfunctional.
With my grandma, I have gotten to see the more negative attributes of her personality. I have also thought so much more about the positive role she played in my life. She was a positive source of healthy love and fun in my childhood and teen years.
My family is too upset, resentful, greedy, et cetera to have healthy and necessary communication concerning various affairs that have cropped up. I guess I have always known that my family was dysfunctional, but it seems that I was still under some sort of denial spell until now. It hurts me in so many ways.
I realize now my codependency was learned from my dad. I mourn his unhappy and bitter life, one that I would have been doomed to repeat if I had not started working on my codependency.
I mourn having a physically and emotionally distant mom. I have seen positive examples of motherhood more recently and it makes it hurt even more. We talked recently; I am glad things are more civil between us now. I will have to accept that she does care somewhat and will do that the best that she can. I do feel that I need to self-mother a bit to make up for this void.
I mourn a happy childhood/teenhood. It seems that with my dad's passing, it is more 'safe' to think back. More inner child work must be done!
I wish for a happy, stable, and healthy family. However, I must accept reality. I can work on myself and be a positive influence on others.
I have thought a lot about how I act like a victim. I have also thought a lot about how I want to take personal responsibility for myself. I have been reading Dr. Wayne Dyer's Erroneous Zones. I highly recommend it!
Though things are bad now (the above stuff as well a communication breakdown between me and my youngest sister, my middle sister still not getting a decent start in life, and me being terribly overloaded), I have been having moments of happiness. I feel like I am slowly learning to be happy regardless of circumstance.
I have been neglecting my gratitude's, which seem a perfect way to end this post:
- positive changes within in the face of tragedy
- my CODA group of women
- dear friends, both online and offline
- still being alive
- for slowly getting over this nasty cold (oh how I am sick of mucus!)
- for the development of a healthy relationship with myself
Oh, where shall I begin? My eyes tear up with the sudden realization that in a week it will be six months since my dad passed. This brings up quite a lot. I cannot believe so much time has passed. It makes me feel sad, a bit guilty for getting on as well as I have tried to, and miss him a lot.
I seem to be drowning in all sorts of grief. With my dad, the brutal murder of my boss (they still have not found all of him :( ), the mental degradation of my grandma, and the realization that my family and relatives are so dysfunctional.
With my grandma, I have gotten to see the more negative attributes of her personality. I have also thought so much more about the positive role she played in my life. She was a positive source of healthy love and fun in my childhood and teen years.
My family is too upset, resentful, greedy, et cetera to have healthy and necessary communication concerning various affairs that have cropped up. I guess I have always known that my family was dysfunctional, but it seems that I was still under some sort of denial spell until now. It hurts me in so many ways.
I realize now my codependency was learned from my dad. I mourn his unhappy and bitter life, one that I would have been doomed to repeat if I had not started working on my codependency.
I mourn having a physically and emotionally distant mom. I have seen positive examples of motherhood more recently and it makes it hurt even more. We talked recently; I am glad things are more civil between us now. I will have to accept that she does care somewhat and will do that the best that she can. I do feel that I need to self-mother a bit to make up for this void.
I mourn a happy childhood/teenhood. It seems that with my dad's passing, it is more 'safe' to think back. More inner child work must be done!
I wish for a happy, stable, and healthy family. However, I must accept reality. I can work on myself and be a positive influence on others.
I have thought a lot about how I act like a victim. I have also thought a lot about how I want to take personal responsibility for myself. I have been reading Dr. Wayne Dyer's Erroneous Zones. I highly recommend it!
Though things are bad now (the above stuff as well a communication breakdown between me and my youngest sister, my middle sister still not getting a decent start in life, and me being terribly overloaded), I have been having moments of happiness. I feel like I am slowly learning to be happy regardless of circumstance.
I have been neglecting my gratitude's, which seem a perfect way to end this post:
- positive changes within in the face of tragedy
- my CODA group of women
- dear friends, both online and offline
- still being alive
- for slowly getting over this nasty cold (oh how I am sick of mucus!)
- for the development of a healthy relationship with myself
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Four Months
Today marks the fourth month since my dad passed. That seems like a long time.
I'm not sure what to say about it. A number of unexpected things have come out of my grief. I remember better past abuse and witnessing the fighting between my parents. It is as though it's ok now to remember and feel since he's gone. Guilt regarding my sexuality and how I should have helped him and others more has also come up. I feel bad for the physical and emotional pain he suffered in life. I wish I could undo it and could have made life better for him. I've realized that I never once expressed anger to him, as I was so scared of him. I recognize the anger I feel towards him but feel unsure about what to do with it. I am also angry that I was scared of him.
One thing that has been exposed to me with all of this adversity is how gray the world is. It has been difficult for me to grasp.
Other adversity has come into my life as well. My boss and mentor was murdered. I miss him. That has also caused a ruckus with my grief. I am in two different stages it seems. One sister is finally seeking help with getting her life on track. I have been encouraging but not controlling with that. One sister has avoided most of the responsibility. Our relatives are being greedy, manipulative, toxic people. My grandma's pelvis got fractured and no one told us for 3 weeks. The only way I learned was because I tried to get in touch with her. She is a huge part of my life and a major maternal influence. Now that my dad passed, his siblings have taken control of everything and treat us like shit. It makes me angry.
Even with all of this shit, there is still good. I have very supportive friends, here and in the 'real world'. I am improving socially and thus have gained new friendships during this difficult time. Though it seemed that all of my mentors have passed, I have learned that I am getting new ones. There are two women professors that I would now say are mentors of mine. I feel it means something that I am finding mentors of my own sex. I am learning to feel better about myself. Some of my inferiority has been because of my sex so I think that is also improving. I have also learned so much about myself. I see better all the ways I act like a victim. I constantly seek punishment from other people. It seems to have gotten worse. However, I am letting go of the notion that bad things happen to me for punishment. So perhaps I am trying to get others to punish me instead of the universe.
Gratitude List:
I'm not sure what to say about it. A number of unexpected things have come out of my grief. I remember better past abuse and witnessing the fighting between my parents. It is as though it's ok now to remember and feel since he's gone. Guilt regarding my sexuality and how I should have helped him and others more has also come up. I feel bad for the physical and emotional pain he suffered in life. I wish I could undo it and could have made life better for him. I've realized that I never once expressed anger to him, as I was so scared of him. I recognize the anger I feel towards him but feel unsure about what to do with it. I am also angry that I was scared of him.
One thing that has been exposed to me with all of this adversity is how gray the world is. It has been difficult for me to grasp.
Other adversity has come into my life as well. My boss and mentor was murdered. I miss him. That has also caused a ruckus with my grief. I am in two different stages it seems. One sister is finally seeking help with getting her life on track. I have been encouraging but not controlling with that. One sister has avoided most of the responsibility. Our relatives are being greedy, manipulative, toxic people. My grandma's pelvis got fractured and no one told us for 3 weeks. The only way I learned was because I tried to get in touch with her. She is a huge part of my life and a major maternal influence. Now that my dad passed, his siblings have taken control of everything and treat us like shit. It makes me angry.
Even with all of this shit, there is still good. I have very supportive friends, here and in the 'real world'. I am improving socially and thus have gained new friendships during this difficult time. Though it seemed that all of my mentors have passed, I have learned that I am getting new ones. There are two women professors that I would now say are mentors of mine. I feel it means something that I am finding mentors of my own sex. I am learning to feel better about myself. Some of my inferiority has been because of my sex so I think that is also improving. I have also learned so much about myself. I see better all the ways I act like a victim. I constantly seek punishment from other people. It seems to have gotten worse. However, I am letting go of the notion that bad things happen to me for punishment. So perhaps I am trying to get others to punish me instead of the universe.
Gratitude List:
- my quest for self-improvement and growth
- dear loving family and friends
- my recent fall only resulted in a headache and sore neck
- the weather will be warming up soon
- I have a good working bike
- hot coffee
- my stubbornness
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
I'm Still Here!
Oh goodness, it's been almost two months since I last posted.
I'm still here! I may not post or comment to other blogs, but I still read a little and have not forgotten you all out there.
I am a bit depressed. Some of it is grief and some of it is family drama. I have been isolating myself and feeling crappy a lot of the time.
Turbulent, upsetting times like these lend themselves to some excellent lessons. Here is what I have learned so far:
- Much of my life has been spent feeling miserable. However, in more recent times, I find myself seeking misery. Life is getting better for me, yet I still feel comfortable feeling crappy.
- I make myself feel crappy by putting myself into a victim role. I also try to control other people's reactions to me and how I do things.
- However, I do get upset about feeling crappy. Feeling depressed and grieving upset me because it's not me that's making things bad for myself.
- The good things in life are not always easy to come by. If they were, I'd already have them. It takes work and patience to heal and recover.
- I need to learn to be calmly assertive.
I feel that I have come to a point of action. I feel that the crappy hole I have put myself in has the purpose of showing me how unhealthy and sickening my behavior can be. I must stop worrying about what others think and act for myself. I want to communicate in healthy and worthy ways. I have become so weary of all of this self-sabotaging behavior. I make myself unhappy in so many different ways.
In some ways, realizing what changes I must make is scary and daunting. As I learn more about the control I have over myself and that others do not have to have power over me, I feel more hope for my growth and progress.
List of Gratitudes:
- the painful lessons I have been giving myself
- loving support from those on and off line
- the slow realization that I don't deserve to feel miserable
- the lessons and love I got from my dad in the time he was on Earth
- the slow realization that fear is just 'False Evidence Appearing Real'
- all of the challenges I have to conquer for growth and happiness
I'm still here! I may not post or comment to other blogs, but I still read a little and have not forgotten you all out there.
I am a bit depressed. Some of it is grief and some of it is family drama. I have been isolating myself and feeling crappy a lot of the time.
Turbulent, upsetting times like these lend themselves to some excellent lessons. Here is what I have learned so far:
- Much of my life has been spent feeling miserable. However, in more recent times, I find myself seeking misery. Life is getting better for me, yet I still feel comfortable feeling crappy.
- I make myself feel crappy by putting myself into a victim role. I also try to control other people's reactions to me and how I do things.
- However, I do get upset about feeling crappy. Feeling depressed and grieving upset me because it's not me that's making things bad for myself.
- The good things in life are not always easy to come by. If they were, I'd already have them. It takes work and patience to heal and recover.
- I need to learn to be calmly assertive.
I feel that I have come to a point of action. I feel that the crappy hole I have put myself in has the purpose of showing me how unhealthy and sickening my behavior can be. I must stop worrying about what others think and act for myself. I want to communicate in healthy and worthy ways. I have become so weary of all of this self-sabotaging behavior. I make myself unhappy in so many different ways.
In some ways, realizing what changes I must make is scary and daunting. As I learn more about the control I have over myself and that others do not have to have power over me, I feel more hope for my growth and progress.
List of Gratitudes:
- the painful lessons I have been giving myself
- loving support from those on and off line
- the slow realization that I don't deserve to feel miserable
- the lessons and love I got from my dad in the time he was on Earth
- the slow realization that fear is just 'False Evidence Appearing Real'
- all of the challenges I have to conquer for growth and happiness
Monday, November 15, 2010
Peeking Out
I'm still here, though I've been rather silent. I have been dealing with a lot of affairs and situations. I am learning a lot. I think I am now the most stressed that I have ever been. My stomach is kind of messed up, I'm breaking out all over, and am having odd dreams. Over time, I have been grieving a little each time. I am sure that once things are more in order, the grief will be worse.
I try to take care of myself as I can. I have been going to CODA as I can, which has been a great comfort. Even though so many of us have such different situations, it amazes me that we have a lot of the same thoughts, feelings, and behavior. The last meeting brought up inner child pain and oh how glad I was that it did! My group had a great sharing and it reminded me to think of my inner child as this may be the time she needs me the most.
I want to lose weight and take better care of myself but it is a struggle. I neglect myself so easily to take care of others and other problems. I feel that this struggle time is an opportunity to change and to push me to organize myself and take care of myself and stand up for myself.
Outside of some help from some great friends, I have been working alone on most of my dad's affairs. One sister can't help me too much and if anything, needs my help to get her life started. The other just refuses to let this alter much of her own life. Granted, it's her last semester and she's looking for work, but she could easily make a couple of phone calls for me or drop off paperwork without fuss. She still takes time to go deer hunting, to go to football games, etc. and just expects me to sacrifice all.
She insisted that her boyfriend propose, which he did, a month exactly after our dad's funeral. I know it's her life, but it still feels like it was too soon after. I feel bad for her fiance, as he is passive like me. I feel she wants to set herself up with a well-to-do man that wouldn't be scary like our dad. Again, it's her life. However, I feel uncomfortable and that's just how it is. I don't intend to tell her as it's her life. If they're waiting a couple of years anyway, I just don't get why it had to be now. She's all busy showing off and such and now I feel that I'll get even less help. Yes, I am complaining and venting and I apologize if that offends anyone. I do want them to be happy. I feel bad that I am bothered by this.
A friend of mine has been talking to me about mindfulness and meditation after I shared a link about such topics. I guess he and his wife are really into it and go to local meditation groups. While I would love too, I'm so strained as it is for time. However, I feel that this has been brought up to me now as a reminder to practice such things on my own and when the time is right, join such a group.
I should share more about my grief. Many things trigger grief and pain regarding my dad's death. One time, some friends mentioned shivering and all I could think about was my dad being unconscious and having seizures. It was so painful to see him go through that with no control. Though when we took him off the machines, he stopped having seizures. I wonder if that was a sign that he was ready. Another time, I was grieving about his death and crying very hard. Such crying makes breathing difficult and the sound of my difficult breathing reminded me of the sound of his last breathing. I'm almost afraid to cry now as I hate that sound.
All of this is so complicated as I loved, feared, pitied, and was angry with him. I could never show my anger as I was so scared of him. I so badly wanted us to amend and having a mature, adult, father-daughter relationship. I feel that I grieve for that as well. I feel like I was a bad daughter because of my codependency. On one hand, I feel I did not do enough to help him and on the other, I isolated myself from him out of fear of him and of conflict. I hope I can someday find peace about all of this.
My gratitudes:
- My newly-found strength in handling stress and adversity
- Another opportunity to show the amount of passion and drive I have to get things done
- Friends with knowledge and advice and a willingness to help
- A loving and kind grandmother
- Two sisters who help how they can even if it's not ideal for me
- A protective dog that guards and protects my sister from vultures and thieves
- People who believe in me
- That I believe in me
- That I have a desire for healthy change and growth
- Loving support and positive vibes of the ladies from CODA
I try to take care of myself as I can. I have been going to CODA as I can, which has been a great comfort. Even though so many of us have such different situations, it amazes me that we have a lot of the same thoughts, feelings, and behavior. The last meeting brought up inner child pain and oh how glad I was that it did! My group had a great sharing and it reminded me to think of my inner child as this may be the time she needs me the most.
I want to lose weight and take better care of myself but it is a struggle. I neglect myself so easily to take care of others and other problems. I feel that this struggle time is an opportunity to change and to push me to organize myself and take care of myself and stand up for myself.
Outside of some help from some great friends, I have been working alone on most of my dad's affairs. One sister can't help me too much and if anything, needs my help to get her life started. The other just refuses to let this alter much of her own life. Granted, it's her last semester and she's looking for work, but she could easily make a couple of phone calls for me or drop off paperwork without fuss. She still takes time to go deer hunting, to go to football games, etc. and just expects me to sacrifice all.
She insisted that her boyfriend propose, which he did, a month exactly after our dad's funeral. I know it's her life, but it still feels like it was too soon after. I feel bad for her fiance, as he is passive like me. I feel she wants to set herself up with a well-to-do man that wouldn't be scary like our dad. Again, it's her life. However, I feel uncomfortable and that's just how it is. I don't intend to tell her as it's her life. If they're waiting a couple of years anyway, I just don't get why it had to be now. She's all busy showing off and such and now I feel that I'll get even less help. Yes, I am complaining and venting and I apologize if that offends anyone. I do want them to be happy. I feel bad that I am bothered by this.
A friend of mine has been talking to me about mindfulness and meditation after I shared a link about such topics. I guess he and his wife are really into it and go to local meditation groups. While I would love too, I'm so strained as it is for time. However, I feel that this has been brought up to me now as a reminder to practice such things on my own and when the time is right, join such a group.
I should share more about my grief. Many things trigger grief and pain regarding my dad's death. One time, some friends mentioned shivering and all I could think about was my dad being unconscious and having seizures. It was so painful to see him go through that with no control. Though when we took him off the machines, he stopped having seizures. I wonder if that was a sign that he was ready. Another time, I was grieving about his death and crying very hard. Such crying makes breathing difficult and the sound of my difficult breathing reminded me of the sound of his last breathing. I'm almost afraid to cry now as I hate that sound.
All of this is so complicated as I loved, feared, pitied, and was angry with him. I could never show my anger as I was so scared of him. I so badly wanted us to amend and having a mature, adult, father-daughter relationship. I feel that I grieve for that as well. I feel like I was a bad daughter because of my codependency. On one hand, I feel I did not do enough to help him and on the other, I isolated myself from him out of fear of him and of conflict. I hope I can someday find peace about all of this.
My gratitudes:
- My newly-found strength in handling stress and adversity
- Another opportunity to show the amount of passion and drive I have to get things done
- Friends with knowledge and advice and a willingness to help
- A loving and kind grandmother
- Two sisters who help how they can even if it's not ideal for me
- A protective dog that guards and protects my sister from vultures and thieves
- People who believe in me
- That I believe in me
- That I have a desire for healthy change and growth
- Loving support and positive vibes of the ladies from CODA
Monday, October 18, 2010
My Dad's Passing
I do not have the time nor the energy to really share a lot here. My father passed away on October 9th. For the last few years, his liver has been failing him, with alcohol being a factor. Due to the severity of his condition, we had to respect his wishes and let him go. I chose to be with him as he died as I did not want him to die alone. I would say one of my greatest fears is to die alone. Though, my fear would be better described as a fear of dying without some kind of comfort from a loved one. I told him over and over how much he was loved and thanked him for my life. I held his hand, rubbed his shoulders and chest, and touched his face. I probably touched him more in those fifteen minutes than I ever did my whole life. He actually opened his eyes and looked right into mine for a bit. I have no idea what he thought or felt.
I have not had much time for grief or mourning as his siblings are causing us trouble. I will not go into it here but I will say that I do not understand how money and stuff can be valued over life and love. They have been cruel in their statements and explanations of such matters hours after he passed. They do not care about him, us, or their own mother.
However, friends, neighbors, acquaintances, some relatives, etc. have been awe-inspiring in their kindness. Though we had a private service, many reached out to us and gave us support, food, and memorial money. It is funny how such events can bring out such hate and greed in some and such love and compassion in others.
We respected his wishes as much as we knew of them. We intend to see that his siblings do not foil the rest of his wishes but we only have so much power for that. We will get through this and hopefully our grandmother's wishes and rights will be respected.
Though he suffered a great deal these last few years, I learned much about him and came to see him as a man. He lost his title of a perfect god by having feelings, experiences, and flaws. Though I still have a lot of fear related to him and I never did get him to stop drinking and we never got to have the adult relationship I had hoped we would one day have, things are as they are and I must get through it the best I can. Over the last few days, I have recited the serenity prayer to myself as a reminder that I cannot control all but can control me.
I have not had much time for grief or mourning as his siblings are causing us trouble. I will not go into it here but I will say that I do not understand how money and stuff can be valued over life and love. They have been cruel in their statements and explanations of such matters hours after he passed. They do not care about him, us, or their own mother.
However, friends, neighbors, acquaintances, some relatives, etc. have been awe-inspiring in their kindness. Though we had a private service, many reached out to us and gave us support, food, and memorial money. It is funny how such events can bring out such hate and greed in some and such love and compassion in others.
We respected his wishes as much as we knew of them. We intend to see that his siblings do not foil the rest of his wishes but we only have so much power for that. We will get through this and hopefully our grandmother's wishes and rights will be respected.
Though he suffered a great deal these last few years, I learned much about him and came to see him as a man. He lost his title of a perfect god by having feelings, experiences, and flaws. Though I still have a lot of fear related to him and I never did get him to stop drinking and we never got to have the adult relationship I had hoped we would one day have, things are as they are and I must get through it the best I can. Over the last few days, I have recited the serenity prayer to myself as a reminder that I cannot control all but can control me.
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