Codependency & Inner Child/Teen

Last night, I wrote a post on here about feeling overwhelmed by primitive defense mechanisms, low self-esteem, and codependency. Apparently, it didn't get saved. That's ok, I have a better experience to 'blog' about after I posted that.

I took a bit of a walk and got to thinking. I have been thinking quite a bit about my lack of self-esteem and my insecurity over this last week or so. Lately, I noticed my tendencies to project my emotions and split people and things into black/white categories. Hence, I started looking up primitive defense mechanisms again, which is what first made me realize a ways back that I was emotionally immature.

As I walked along, I came to a sand pile used for some local road re-construction. I had the most child-like impulse to bury my hands in the sand. As the road I was walking by was rather busy, the adult in me waited until the traffic broke up. I only had my fingers in the sand for a moment before I scurried off ahead of the next round of traffic. Giggling, I rubbed the grittiness into my hands, leaving my crummy mood at that pile.

That sand pile impulse was what reminded me about my inner child. Has my increased projection and splitting tendencies my inner child stamping her little foot and yelling 'LOOK AT ME!'? My focus as of late on my self-esteem and insecurity had reminded me of being focused on my inner teen. What I mean by this is the 'I'm the ugliest at the ball' kind of low self-esteem attacks.

I've been told that I may be having my teenage rebellion now, illustrated by other behavior tendencies. That's entirely possible as I had no rebellion whatsoever as a teen. I remember thinking I was too mature for a rebellion of that sort. Hah! I now realize that I was not mature, but terrified and codependent.

That was quite a blow when I realized I was emotionally immature. I always had the impression that I was this serious little adult. I was too serious to get along with my peers, now I realize why people may have thought I was a snob; it wasn't just the shyness. Anyway, my 'serious and mature' side was the one thing I was really proud of, as I didn't see myself as very smart and certainly not attractive.

I felt like my low self-esteem spiraled terribly when I realized I was emotionally immature. The only thing 'good' left was my niceness and that even seems like a sham with my codependency and insecurity. I now feel like a scared little girl with nothing to offer to anyone.

I feel like I have reached a point of no return. I cannot give up on my recovery, for I am more of a mess now than before. I remember more and feel more than I ever have and I have not yet reached my peak.