I do not have the time nor the energy to really share a lot here. My father passed away on October 9th. For the last few years, his liver has been failing him, with alcohol being a factor. Due to the severity of his condition, we had to respect his wishes and let him go. I chose to be with him as he died as I did not want him to die alone. I would say one of my greatest fears is to die alone. Though, my fear would be better described as a fear of dying without some kind of comfort from a loved one. I told him over and over how much he was loved and thanked him for my life. I held his hand, rubbed his shoulders and chest, and touched his face. I probably touched him more in those fifteen minutes than I ever did my whole life. He actually opened his eyes and looked right into mine for a bit. I have no idea what he thought or felt.
I have not had much time for grief or mourning as his siblings are causing us trouble. I will not go into it here but I will say that I do not understand how money and stuff can be valued over life and love. They have been cruel in their statements and explanations of such matters hours after he passed. They do not care about him, us, or their own mother.
However, friends, neighbors, acquaintances, some relatives, etc. have been awe-inspiring in their kindness. Though we had a private service, many reached out to us and gave us support, food, and memorial money. It is funny how such events can bring out such hate and greed in some and such love and compassion in others.
We respected his wishes as much as we knew of them. We intend to see that his siblings do not foil the rest of his wishes but we only have so much power for that. We will get through this and hopefully our grandmother's wishes and rights will be respected.
Though he suffered a great deal these last few years, I learned much about him and came to see him as a man. He lost his title of a perfect god by having feelings, experiences, and flaws. Though I still have a lot of fear related to him and I never did get him to stop drinking and we never got to have the adult relationship I had hoped we would one day have, things are as they are and I must get through it the best I can. Over the last few days, I have recited the serenity prayer to myself as a reminder that I cannot control all but can control me.
