I think sometimes analogies are how I express myself to others, at least in regards to healing and such. Slowly, I have started to define ME, not x's helper, not y's sister, not z's daughter. I have started to care about what I want, what I need. The idea of me being worthy of anything, especially love, is still quite foreign to me.
At times, people don't like such changes. Once some people get used to how you are, they don't really like you changing. At these times when I feel unaccepted (not just when I've changed), I feel like building walls back up, cocooning myself inside. However, this feeling is more complicated due to my changes. The best way for me to describe it is I feel like I'm burying myself alive. I can feel this internal struggle that the defined me is fighting the bury.
I'm sure I have had something like this when younger, but did not have a defined me to fight. Thus, this buried alive sensation is rather strong and new. It's sad how long one can go in their lives without feeling defined or worthy. As time goes on, I am in awe of how my thinking has changed. I still have a long road ahead, yet now I feel like a person anyway.
I feel awkward chronicling my trials here as things can change so much for me. I can be quite content and at peace one moment and the next be in despair. Of course, this all depends on stress levels, my cycle, my hunger level, etc.
One thing that has helped me quite a bit recently is the determination to be more positive. One resource I have found that you may wish to visit is the Positivity Blog. It has a number of insightful articles that I have found helpful.
