Linkie link.
Instead of linking to my other blog, I thought I would make this posting. Plus, I'd prefer to be more personal on this blog.
Ever since I read about Chaz Bono's sex change here, I have been thinking more about gender and how it all fits in with me.
This has always been a difficult topic for me due to how I was raised. I learned a number of rather negative assumptions as a child. I'm a bit of a tomboy and have many interests and such that would be considered masculine. I also don't wear makeup, style my hair, and dress for comfort rather than style. I still like pretty things and I adore long skirts (so comfy!), I just don't focus on my appearance a whole lot. Though I do dwell on my weight and such.
Anyway, I have a rather complicated sense of self-hatred. On one hand, I feel inferior due to some of what may be considered feminine traits that are related to my codependency and other issues to some degree (passiveness, emotion, some concern about appearance (physical and otherwise)). Yet, it troubles me that I don't seem feminine enough because of my variety of interests and lack of girliness.
So, with a lot of self-reflection, here is what I came up with. I have to be who I want to be and that will not fit everything society or other people would want; as long as I am respecting boundaries and not bringing harm. I should be proud of who I am and the mosaic of traits that compose me. I should not think of myself as weak, I am working on self-improvement and have not given up on myself.
Anyway, I realize this was a rather personal entry. It was nice to put this all down as it's rather difficult to discuss this with some people. Some assume that by discussing it, I want to be a man. While I get along with men rather well, I have no interest in being one. Actually, one thing nice about this blog business is that I have gotten in touch with a lot more women, which has been nice.
I intend to compile a list of my qualities, what might be considered negative about them and what I find positive about them. Perhaps, that would help when this dislike of myself gets stirred up.
Certainly not to dis you, but I was always referred to as a "tomboy" and I hate that word almost as much as I hate racial slurs. My name is not Tom and I'm not a boy. It's like girls aren't allowed to be active so people came up with this rude term for girls who have the audacity to be.
ReplyDeleteI was always afraid that I was going to "turn into a lesbian" because of my "tomboy" tendencies. I never had "penis envy" in the sense that I wished to have a penis, but I did envy the opportunities that boys were given. Girls were only given very limited choices back in my day. Nurse, secretary, teacher, or homemaker. Or maybe you could be a waitress or a maid in a motel. Girls were not encouraged to be professors, doctors, or any other kind of "power" profession. Things have changed a bit in that regard, but today's girls are pushed to be "eye candy" and focus on their appearance rather than their skills. This society is still very sick when it comes to gender roles.
I enjoyed very much getting to know you better.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing yourself.
Well, due to the absue I tried very hard not to be feminine, not to be girly... obviously I didnt want to be a man. For me the reason WHY I didnt want to be feminine not automatically lead to the fact I wanted to be a man. I have had issues with my feminity for long. By now I love to be woman even in some aspects I am probabaly not so girly. Not sure if "girly outfits and girly behaviour" make a woman out of me, or make me more feminine.
ReplyDeleteWhat they may observe on your outside most probably has nothing to do with your inside. Hugs across the pond. Paula