Peeking Out

I'm still here, though I've been rather silent.  I have been dealing with a lot of affairs and situations.  I am learning a lot.  I think I am now the most stressed that I have ever been.  My stomach is kind of messed up, I'm breaking out all over, and am having odd dreams.  Over time, I have been grieving a little each time.  I am sure that once things are more in order, the grief will be worse.

I try to take care of myself as I can.  I have been going to CODA as I can, which has been a great comfort.  Even though so many of us have such different situations, it amazes me that we have a lot of the same thoughts, feelings, and behavior.  The last meeting brought up inner child pain and oh how glad I was that it did!  My group had a great sharing and it reminded me to think of my inner child as this may be the time she needs me the most.

I want to lose weight and take better care of myself but it is a struggle.  I neglect myself so easily to take care of others and other problems.  I feel that this struggle time is an opportunity to change and to push me to organize myself and take care of myself and stand up for myself.

Outside of some help from some great friends, I have been working alone on most of my dad's affairs.  One sister can't help me too much and if anything, needs my help to get her life started.  The other just refuses to let this alter much of her own life.  Granted, it's her last semester and she's looking for work, but she could easily make a couple of phone calls for me or drop off paperwork without fuss.  She still takes time to go deer hunting, to go to football games, etc. and just expects me to sacrifice all. 

She insisted that her boyfriend propose, which he did, a month exactly after our dad's funeral.  I know it's her life, but it still feels like it was too soon after.  I feel bad for her fiance, as he is passive like me.  I feel she wants to set herself up with a well-to-do man that wouldn't be scary like our dad.  Again, it's her life.  However, I feel uncomfortable and that's just how it is.  I don't intend to tell her as it's her life.  If they're waiting a couple of years anyway, I just don't get why it had to be now.  She's all busy showing off and such and now I feel that I'll get even less help.  Yes, I am complaining and venting and I apologize if that offends anyone.  I do want them to be happy.  I feel bad that I am bothered by this.

A friend of mine has been talking to me about mindfulness and meditation after I shared a link about such topics.  I guess he and his wife are really into it and go to local meditation groups.  While I would love too, I'm so strained as it is for time.  However, I feel that this has been brought up to me now as a reminder to practice such things on my own and when the time is right, join such a group. 

I should share more about my grief.  Many things trigger grief and pain regarding my dad's death.  One time, some friends mentioned shivering and all I could think about was my dad being unconscious and having seizures.  It was so painful to see him go through that with no control.  Though when we took him off the machines, he stopped having seizures.  I wonder if that was a sign that he was ready.  Another time, I was grieving about his death and crying very hard.  Such crying makes breathing difficult and the sound of my difficult breathing reminded me of the sound of his last breathing.  I'm almost afraid to cry now as I hate that sound. 

All of this is so complicated as I loved, feared, pitied, and was angry with him.  I could never show my anger as I was so scared of him.  I so badly wanted us to amend and having a mature, adult, father-daughter relationship.  I feel that I grieve for that as well.  I feel like I was a bad daughter because of my codependency.  On one hand, I feel I did not do enough to help him and on the other, I isolated myself from him out of fear of him and of conflict.  I hope I can someday find peace about all of this.

My gratitudes:
- My newly-found strength in handling stress and adversity
- Another opportunity to show the amount of passion and drive I have to get things done
- Friends with knowledge and advice and a willingness to help
- A loving and kind grandmother
- Two sisters who help how they can even if it's not ideal for me
- A protective dog that guards and protects my sister from vultures and thieves
- People who believe in me
- That I believe in me
- That I have a desire for healthy change and growth
- Loving support and positive vibes of the ladies from CODA

My Dad's Passing

I do not have the time nor the energy to really share a lot here.  My father passed away on October 9th.  For the last few years, his liver has been failing him, with alcohol being a factor.  Due to the severity of his condition, we had to respect his wishes and let him go.  I chose to be with him as he died as I did not want him to die alone.  I would say one of my greatest fears is to die alone.  Though, my fear would be better described as a fear of dying without some kind of comfort from a loved one.  I told him over and over how much he was loved and thanked him for my life.  I held his hand, rubbed his shoulders and chest, and touched his face.  I probably touched him more in those fifteen minutes than I ever did my whole life.  He actually opened his eyes and looked right into mine for a bit.  I have no idea what he thought or felt.

I have not had much time for grief or mourning as his siblings are causing us trouble.  I will not go into it here but I will say that I do not understand how money and stuff can be valued over life and love.  They have been cruel in their statements and explanations of such matters hours after he passed.  They do not care about him, us, or their own mother.

However, friends, neighbors, acquaintances, some relatives, etc. have been awe-inspiring in their kindness.  Though we had a private service, many reached out to us and gave us support, food, and memorial money.  It is funny how such events can bring out such hate and greed in some and such love and compassion in others. 

We respected his wishes as much as we knew of them.  We intend to see that his siblings do not foil the rest of his wishes but we only have so much power for that.  We will get through this and hopefully our grandmother's wishes and rights will be respected.

Though he suffered a great deal these last few years, I learned much about him and came to see him as a man.  He lost his title of a perfect god by having feelings, experiences, and flaws.  Though I still have a lot of fear related to him and I never did get him to stop drinking and we never got to have the adult relationship I had hoped we would one day have, things are as they are and I  must get through it the best I can.  Over the last few days, I have recited the serenity prayer to myself as a reminder that I cannot control all but can control me.

Fluctuations

I feel a bit topsy-turvy right now.  In some ways I have been working on taking care of myself and to keep focused on improvement of myself.

Last week, I consciously admitted to myself that my dad is an alcoholic.  For me, this is quite an event.  I feel that I have come to a point where my mind was ready to admit that.  So many signs were there in regards to his behavior and health.  More recently, I knew he had a 'drinking problem' but I did not see that as alcoholism.  I kept clinging to the idea that a person had to be drunk all the time and hide bottles in odd places to be an alcoholic.

This 'revelation', which seems to be only a recent revelation to me, has had a huge impact on me.  It flares up my codependent thinking patterns.  I so badly want to fix everything for everyone involved.  I feel guilt as I feel if I was a better daughter, maybe he wouldn't be this way.  It also brings out a lot of black/white thinking I still appear to have.  It seems difficult for me to grasp that people can do good and bad things.

Also, I feel like I have been going through a teenage rebellion of sorts.  Growing up, I did not have time or a desire to socialize with other teens or rebel in any way.  I was so focused on making our family look good and taking care of others.  I used to feel rather cocky that I skipped that 'foolish teen nonsense'.  Now I see that while it may have been delayed, I'm going to have to go through it.  It seems like I am thinking about the things that teens may think about as they mature.  Who they are, what they want, what they believe, etc.  It's like as codependency has less of a grip on me, I am maturing and learning about myself.  I still have a long way to go but I can definitely see progress.

So, though I am emotional now and feel a lot of hurt in me, I am learning to embrace this time.  I am changing and growing and releasing a lot of repressed emotion and pain.  The progress I have made so far has prepared me for this time.

Thank you all for reading and leaving your kind and supportive words in the comments!  You sharing your experiences helps and encourages me a great deal.  I feel lucky that I can share to others here that I cannot so easily do with those in front of me.  I also thank you all for encouraging me to try CODA.  It has been just wonderful so far and I look forward to every Tuesday.  I resisted the idea of a 12 step program for a long time, not wanting to admit that I myself needed recovery.  It looks like Al-Anon and ACOA may also be good options for me but I only have so much time during the week.  My codependency seems to be a strong force that stems from my past and I'd prefer to deal with that.  Plus, my CODA group is awesome and very friendly.

Oh, some tidbits to share:

1) I recently got An Adult Child's Guide to What's 'Normal' in the mail.  'Normal' in this case is emotionally healthy.  It discusses boundaries, healthy love, and how to deal with various things like emotions, stress, and loneliness.  It looks rather helpful.

2) I heard a bus driver analogy recently.  It was described like this:  you are your own bus driver.  You choose where you stop and for how long.  You can stay for a few minutes, overnight, or head home.  I just thought it was neat and something I need to remind myself when people complain about how I spend my own time.

Anyway, I should sleep.  Have a good night all!  *hugs*  <3

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CODA - Meeting Four

Well today was my fourth meeting with my women's Codependents Anonymous group.  I really looked forward to this meeting as I had a nasty bit of codependent behavior crop up as of late.  Today's meeting was about boundaries.

I shared about my recent behavior which is really a pattern.  Instead of disappointing others by being assertive and enforcing a boundary, I withdraw into myself and avoid them.  Not only do I get guilt from 'disappointing' them, but also for avoiding them.  I then feel certain that they will now reject me for this behavior, though I act this way to prevent rejection.  Eventually I stop withdrawing and then feel better when I feel I've gained their approval back.  I have noticed this behavior for at least a few months now.  It's quite difficult to stop as I fear angering and disappointing others SO much.  However, I know I am hurting not only myself but others with such behavior.

It was not easy to share that at the meeting.  I felt a pang of worry that people would think worse of me.  I reminded myself that no matter where everyone was in recovery, we could all relate to feeling like I do.  Also, while avoiding others can be painful to others, I am not intentionally hurting others.  I also got encouragement after the meeting.  Gosh, I get a lot of encouragement and support from these women.  I wish I wasn't so shy as that makes it difficult for me to do the same.  I am going to work on being more friendly and encouraging towards others.

On and on a related note, I read an article about codependents and anger.  It suggested three ways to prevent unnecessary anger related to codependency and being defensive.  One of the ways was to reframe what was happening and if people really were trying to attack you.  Another way was to detach from the situation and view it as though you are on a balcony.  So, today I have been asking myself throughout the day how I feel.  If I notice a negative feeling, I think about why that is and if it is really necessary.  I guess I will see how that goes.

First Time @ CODA

I finally went to  my first CODA meeting last night.  Timing has been an issue for me and I have also been procrastinating.  Though I read up on such meetings quite a bit, I was not sure what to expect.  In recent years, I have also become a lot more shy around women and this was a women's only meeting.

When I first entered the room, I got a bit intimidated by one woman staring at me.  She probably wasn't actually staring, but I felt intimidated already and so being looked at made it worse.  However, I was able to get past that and find myself a seat.  Though I noticed that one woman looking at me a lot, I found the atmosphere very friendly and welcoming.  It was interesting to be in a room of women with varied ages and lives but who had being codependent in common. 

I may have gotten looked at a bit because I was probably disheveled from riding my bike six miles on a very windy day.  I probably looked a little odd with my Gilligan's hat still on to cover up my wind hair.  Oh well, I'm just happy I made it.  I was very worried I'd be late.  Though, that seemed ok, as a few women came in later and it seemed fine.

I am not sure why, but I did not expect it to be so formal.  I had to remind myself that this was a 12-step meeting, like any other.  Introducing myself as codependent was a new thing for me, that's for sure.

After the required reading and donation basket, a member led the meeting with the topic of worry.  She read from 'The Language of Letting Go'.  After that, we were split into two groups for sharing.  I was not sure if I was going to share until someone said something that got me thinking.  I have been thinking a lot as of late about forgiving myself and how I blame myself for the mistakes and problems of others.  With this blame, comes worry that I screwed up other people, that their lives were my responsibility.  So I talked about how I realize that when I do forgive myself, I will also release a lot of worry from the past.  It was neat to see how what people shared inspired others to share.  After all the sharing, there was the CODA prayer and then it was done.

Many of the women chatted with me and encouraged me to come back.  I was also given a CODA newcomer's handbook.  While I have read so much about codependency online, it is so nice to have a summarized resource like this.

I look forward to going back.  I just have to make sure I'm not cross-talking.  Anyway, I should go.  *hugs*  <3

An Update to Start the Week ...

Times like this when I drop out of the blogworld, I get a bit frustrated.  So much has happened but is difficult to catalog after a bit of absence.

I have not yet gone to the local CODA meetings.  Some other things just came up and one time I totally forgot.  However, tomorrow night is when they both go on.  I still wonder if I should try one for six weeks and then try the other or go back and forth. 

One is earlier, women's only, and a step meeting.  However, it is quite far away, which will be difficult in the coming winter.  The other may be less structured and later, but is close enough for me to get to fairly easily.  I guess if there's times I can't make it due to transportation and times, that's just how it goes.

These next couple of weeks will be of solitude for me.  As I believe I said last year, my roommates go on annual summer and winter vacations.  In the past, I struggled a lot with loneliness and the difficulty I had with past pain and internal negativity.  While I am an introvert by nature and love the idea of solitude, I feel my past and current ways of dealing with things makes me dislike it.  When alone, I overanalyze more, go off on tangents more in my mind, and just end up being a lot more emotional.

However, I am determined that this time will be different.  I do feel as though I've made a lot of progress over the past year.  Also, a streak of discipline has entered my consciousness.  I have been doing a lot better with my emotional eating and taking care of myself in various other ways.

I am now also in the second half of my cycle so I'm doing all I can with a healthy diet and stress relief.  I can get very down and emotional, past pain also bothers a lot more.  So I will do my best to take the best care of myself that I can.

Anyway, that's all I have for now.  Take care all!  *hugs*  <3

To Blossom

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin


The above quote fits my current feelings rather well.  I have such a mix of emotions with this time in my life.  I sit here, tears streaming down my cheeks.  I feel so scared, so overwhelmed.  Yet, I feel so blessed and lucky at the same time.  These tears are both of sadness and joy.
 
I feel as though I am slowly learning who this stranger is inside.  I am starting to feel, to think, to believe, to love, to want, etc.  How is this possible?  That question cycles over and over in my head.  Things seem so rocky now.  So much repressed emotion and negativity overwhelm me.  Yet, a joy is starting to flow through my life.  I am starting to appreciate life and the world even through my dark valleys.  And I'm starting to know me.  I'm beginning to understand why I think, feel, and act as I do.  I am starting to feel power over myself for the first time.  Loving myself seems more possible.
 
I will be happy and at peace.  I believe that though things are rather dim right now.  I wonder if teens go through all kinds of emotions and rebellions and such as I have been feeling.  I was the care-taker back then, so I had a very serious and structured teen time.  I have wondered also if others who could not be teens when they were have a lapse for such behavior as it seems that I do.  This here is a little bit of a tangent as what I'm describing above isn't quite what I imagine teens thinking.
 
Oh, and another tangent:  I'm going through major PMS right now.  With stress, I get extremely emotional at this time.  I have to take care around others so I don't get moody on them, which can be difficult.  However, I have realized that my moodiness emboldens me to bring up things and think about issues that bother me a lot.  I feel like I grow more during this time because of that.  I also cry a lot more about past pain that I need to release.  I'm starting to think more and more that the idea that everything happens for a reason has a lot of truth behind it.
 
Anyway, I kind of muddled the end of this with some tangents.  It is nice to feel joy at this time of month though, that does not usually happen for me.  It's all related though, my moodiness gets me to talk about things about myself that I may not share otherwise.  I learn so much more about myself.
 
Goodnight all!  *hugs*  <3

Observing Jealousy

It's funny, Katie posted this in regards to wanting to feel special.  The next day, something actually happened with me that is worth noting, though it embarrasses me terribly.  I felt jealousy against a child, while I am supposed to be an adult.  Feeling this, I then felt angry and ashamed.

Instead of just dwelling on it, I actually started to decompose this situation.  First, I observed my jealous feelings against this child.  I then looked for what I was actually jealous of, which was an ability to be directly affectionate with others.  This child could just chat up people so easily and just hug and tell others she missed them and just express all of this so freely.  So, next I looked at why I felt I could not be this way myself.  Firstly, I am just not used to being affectionate.

Secondly, and most importantly, I feel that by being affectionate, I bring people closer.  The closer people are with me, the more likely it seems that I get codependent and enmeshed with them emotionally.  So, by not being affectionate, I was protecting me from myself.    I feel like this explains me being hesitant with having close friends.  Some of it may be me being socially inept, but also it's a means of protection.

So, while things like this jealousy make me feel anger and shame, they are simply signs directing me to what needs to change.  By working on detachment and assertiveness, I lose my codependent grip with others and allow myself to feel safe to pursue friendships.

Also, this illustrates all the more the sick tendency I have to treat myself as an enemy.  I see more and more ways that I needlessly drag myself through the mud.  However, I am also seeing ways to counteract such behavior.

An Inquiry For Anon Goers

After realizing how deep and complicated my control issues are, I have been considering going to a CODA meeting.  I thought it couldn't hurt to see what it was about and maybe it'd help.

My state only has two meetings, both in this town.  One is open and one is step.  They are on the same night but an hour and a half apart.  The step is the earliest and farthest one away.

I am curious if anyone has input on a preferred format.  The step seems a bit more structured and in some ways more helpful.  The step is also only for women.

Also, I have been hesitant to join these meetings as I don't know if I can truly believe in giving my problems to someone else, higher power or not.  Does this mean I shouldn't go?  I don't care to pretend or agree emptily with the other meeting goers as that seems to undo the purpose of going.  Both meetings are in churches.  I'm not an atheist but I am spiritual, not religious.  I also feel like I should be handling my troubles.  So maybe I shouldn't go?  I'm not sure. 

Thank you in advance for any feedback!  You do not have to go to these meetings to submit feedback, I'd love to hear what anyone has to say.

Breaking the Grip of Control and Victim Thinking

Many different issues, beliefs, and feelings have been revealing themselves to me this summer.

Lately, a pretty major undercurrent has appeared regarding control.  Growing up, I felt so controlled but accepted it as I felt I had no other option.  Over the years, I have noticed a fear of being controlled.  More recently, I have noticed how much I try to control my environment and the people in it.  It's as though I'm trying to control myself by controlling who and what is around me. 

Even more recently, I have noticed how much I feel other people have control over me.  I have been finding more and more ways that this belief shows itself.  When people tell me about things that should be done, I assume they are ordering me to do it.  When people express things that I don't agree with or are offended by, I feel like they are trying to control my thoughts and beliefs. 

Feeling this way leaves me in a constant cycle of feeling like a victim.  I did not realize just how much I feel like a victim.  I also had no idea how much I self-sabotage myself and how much pressure I put on myself for others.  The more I think about it, the more I see how many subconscious thoughts I have that are about doing what others want.  I have not taken control of my own life and have less of a self than I realized.

This is all rather scary and depressing.  However, I am becoming more aware of these harmful patterns and behavior.  I can now do more about this.

I feel like as I get more aware of my issues, I feel worse about myself.  I also get overwhelmed by all of these feelings, beliefs, memories, etc.  However, I must appreciate that I have come so far. 

I have been trying to think of what I can do to take control, feel worthy, and heal better.  I feel like I have been dwelling on lot on negative issues I have.  I have struggled to focus on my school plans, work, and life in general.

Here is a short list I have compiled on how I can help myself and find some balance:
- take care of myself with healthy food, habits, and sleep
- do more writing for myself
- focus on the positive
- be more observant of myself

I am going to try to not over-analyze and dwell so much.  I'm just going to keep being positive and develop my self-worth.   Take care all!  *hugs*  <3

Reflections of Now

I have really been struggling as of late.  A lot of struggles have been caused by myself.  I have been very defensive and reactionary.  My family is in better health, yet there still is drama and stress to deal with.  This has been a very painful and overwhelming time.  However, I am learning a lot about myself.

What I have learned:
- I truly must work on how I cope.  I have a tendency to avoid, push away, and eat unhealthy and expensive food.
- Much of what I fear in my life is what I myself have.  This includes anger, fear itself, guilt, hatred, etc.  I wonder as I accept and feel these fears, my fear of these things in others will lessen. 
- Codependent No More can be such a help.  When I felt really icky earlier, I started reading some of it.  I got reminded about detachment, preventing reactionary behavior, and the Drama Triangle.  This centered me and made me realize how much crappy feeling I had was because of codependency.
- Inspiring blog posts have also been helpful.  Marj reminded me of the importance of feeling past feelings.  Paula reminded me to not give up and press on.  Katie reminded me to look at the progress I have made from the past.  Ms Hen always reminds me that being positive and at peace is possible no matter what life throws at you.  I am grateful to have a way to share and read what everyone out here shares.

A Waste of Time

One of the most common defense mechanisms I still use is projection.  Yesterday, I realized a very major projection that I have done since I was a kid.  Yesterday was when I realized that I believed that I was a waste of time.  Though I've tried to convince others of this, indirectly and directly, yesterday was when I consciously realized that I have been doing this for so long.

There are a number of instances and examples that should have been this clear so much sooner.  I first recognized I had low self-esteem in 7th grade.  I felt that it was tied to be being a shy, fat nerd and that since I couldn't change who I was, I just didn't deserve self-esteem.  I have also been poor at taking care of my things, of my body, and my time.  Over the last year or so, I have improved on that kind of self-care, yet I still have years of bad habits to undo.  I still won't be able to undo all of the damage I have done.

So, this really isn't an earth-shattering realization.  However, it does help me understand a major projection and means of self-sabotage that I have been doing.  It also gives me a way to improve how I feel about myself.  I can now counteract that belief of me being a waste of time (and money) by consciously giving myself what I need.

I do feel that there is a silver lining with this cloud.  While I may have felt like a waste, I also did not become extravagant.  I wonder if my frugal nature is partially related to this.  I do not feel that this is bad.  I enjoy not letting good items go to waste because they are used or need a little repair.  It makes me feel good about myself and value my work more as that is what pays for what I buy.  I also have learned to enjoy the simple things in life.

Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real. ~Author Unknown

As usual, when I need to write, I do not.  A lot has happened as of late.  In a couple of weeks, my sister's cast will be replaced with a brace and she will no longer need crutches.  Right now, my father is in the hospital as they try to drain fluid from him as his diuretics have not been working.  Meanwhile, I have let myself regress into old behavior but seem to be coping fairly well.

I have realized more so lately how much fear has its grip on me.  Some of it is rather direct, such as a fear of my father.  Some of it has been more veiled.  These fears include fear of my father's illness, of my family's judgment, and how I invoke fear in others as I associate it with love.  I despise fear, yet seem to seek it out, envelope myself in it.

The more I realize this, the more startled I feel.  This will take time to accept and conquer.

It's been quite a while since I've felt so messed up.  I am proud and glad that I have made things better for myself.  However, I have fallen on my face as of late.  Though, I'm taking more on and avoiding less.  Fear and awkwardness have less of a grip on me, though I'm still held fast.  So far, I feel a little depressed and I've been withdrawing into myself.  I used to feel like this all the time, only a year at most ago.  I used to feel so helpless, so scared.

Now, sadness, anger, and guilt have been getting felt and labeled.  One friend has wondered if I'm finally no longer numb.  I can think back to things and see the bad and feel the feelings I would have felt.  I feel more in touch with my 'inner team'. 

Realizing all of this just means I will be going back uphill.  This post has been a lovely start.  Thank you to all for your eyes and your support!  <3

As the Dust Settles ...

As things have quieted down, I feel like I can sit and type a spell.

I have been thinking of my blogs as of late.  As I have gotten more personal here, I feel less of a need for my second 'more personal' blog.  I also don't care for the name and identity I've taken here.  I wish I would have thought of something more adaptable.  As my little web home has become more, its title and persona are limited.

I have noticed that one way I am poor with self-care is by not taking the time to arrange or take care of my stuff and locations.  I feel that this is true here in my web home as well.  I will just have to work on it as I do with other things.

Now on to family affairs.  First, I feel that I should be a bit more open in terms of background.  Basically, my father is ill and is not expected to live long.  He was rather sick with something but now that has subsided.  However, it coincided with my sister breaking and dislocating her ankle.  As the local doctors were not knowledgable, they referred them elsewhere.  However, my father's illness was at its worst when they had to go.  Their phone died and I'm not sure what happened with the cell, but we could not reach them all last week.

So, this week, I took her down here to get properly treated.  They have been professional, timely, and very friendly.  Though there is a lack of insurance, they never made us feel like scum.  Unfortunately, some places do that.  I took on a bit more than my other sister.  I'm not going to dwell on any negatives of these past couple of weeks.

Instead, I shall compile a list of positive events:
- my family is alive and safe, though dysfunctional
- I got to spend time with my grandmother
- I got to talk to an uncle I haven't talked to in at least a decade
- people have noticed how much easier I am to socialize with
- I see what areas I still struggle in badly and how it affects others
- I haven't given up on myself
- I have helped people I love
- I have gotten a lot of support from friends and work
- I have online bloggie friends that inspire and encourage me with their posts and comments
- I see even more how I must free myself from emotional eating
- I have two functional legs (my, how we take such appendages for granted!)
- I'm learning to not dwell so much and to just live and be mindful
- I've been re-inspired by Bruce Lee
- This Bruce Lee quote fits quite well with some of the areas that I have been struggling in: 

“Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless - like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”

I have been seeing more and more how things come together.  It seems that as I struggle, more good things come along to guide me.  A major area of concern for me is my tendency to be defensive and have negative assumptions.  This stuff is what first got me realizing I needed to work through some things.  I feel rigid and helpless at times.  What Bruce Lee says about there being no limits and to be like water is incredibly soothing to me.  For me, having no limits means no irrational fear and total self-control.  To be flexible means less stress and less attempts at controlling others.

Anyway, I shall rest now.  Take care all!  *hugs*  <3

Observations

It has been a bit of an icky time for me.  My family has had some problems as of late with broken bones and illness.  I have people wanting me to go and take care of everything and fix their problems.  I have people who want more of my time.  I have people telling me to let others take care of themselves.  I feel pulled in all directions, like a piece of taffy.  You know how when you pull on taffy, it gets long and stringy?  Well, this is the most stringy I've been, or at least it sure feels that way.

I can't say, do, or think anything to please anyone.  I'm irritated and restless, depressed and angry.  I'm scared of people, scared of upsetting and disappointing them.  My PMS/PMDD has been raging into my period, for whatever reason.  I'm tired of crying, tired of moving, tired of trying to converse.  I feel as though I should just hibernate as I just get more stressed and stress others out.

Whew, that felt good.  I needed to get some of that out.  I'm really glad I have the music I do on this blog, it helps me.

Now for some positive.  Even with the arguing, crying, and everything else, I still have good moments now.  Things that make me smile:
- babies and little kids (A friend's little boy is just so funny to see and hear about.  I met a little girl yesterday that had just a tish of a Southern accent and called her mom Ma'am.  It was too cute to hear her talk.  And a girl I am getting to know seems to be how I would have been when I was little.  She's active and fun, wears jeans, skirts, scarves, and doesn't give a hoot to what people think of her.  Gosh, I hope that keeps on for her.  I'm going to be as supportive and encouraging as I can to her.)
- Flowers!  Peonies and lilacs have been blooming.  We have some pink peonies right by the door of where I work.  I like to smell them when I come and go.
- Music!  I like to listen to bands like Yes, Chicago, Kansas, Boston, Rolling Stones, Beatles, etc.  There are so many songs and artists I like.  Seriously, my music list is just what I needed now.
- I've been trying to eat healthy though I'm emotional right now.  I like veggies and fish a lot.  And I have to have my coffee and tea, though I've been drinking too much coffee again.  It's not good to binge but there is worse and more expensive things I could be doing.

Anyway, I have something to do so I'm cutting this short.  It helped a lot.  Take care!  *hugs*  <3

Healthy and Unhealthy Ways to Raise Serotonin

Serotonin, as you may know, is a chemical that impacts our sleeping, eating, and emotional patterns.  Levels of serotonin are commonly altered by anti-depressants.

I myself have been reading up on serotonin as carbohydrates increase such levels.  I am concerned that eating less carbohydrates would deprive me of serotonin.

Today, I found this PDF that gives examples of unhealthy and healthy ways to increase serotonin.  I found it rather fascinating as isolation, procrastination, obsessive thinking, anger, and crying can all increase serotonin.  Perhaps, that may explain partially why I and others exhibit such behavior at times.

However, exercise, boundary-setting, full lighting, and reducing caffeine can all healthily increase serotonin.  To me, this suggests a greater reason to practice healthy living.

Anyway, I just wanted to share!  Take care all!  *hugs*  <3

Crying in the Dark

Just a few moments ago, crying in the dark was just what I was doing.  It's funny, when I need to write/share the most, that's when I don't feel like blogging.  I have been on a rollercoaster of stress and PMDD.  Now is the time to slow this rollercoaster down a little.

As I draw near my period, depressing and negative thoughts and behaviors overwhelm me.  This worsens during times of stress and drama.  A quiet desperation suffocates me and a restlessness to uproot and renew occurs.  I cry often, for no or very minor reasons.  Anger and irritation are common companions during this time.  People wonder what gets into me and I personally wonder if I am truly going insane.

Then, my period occurs, and outside of some possibly severe cramping, everything calms down.  Positive thoughts and laughter come back.  I remember that I love life.  I pick up my issues and goals right where I left them.

I've learned that I can make these symptoms go away if I stay positive and decrease stress and drama.  So, it's frustrating to me that this returns.  At least I am aware.  I've read a lot about stress management, yet seem to stress in successfully doing it.  Though, I may not get to that until I detach better from others.  Other people's stress is what gets to me.  Not to say I don't have enough of my own.

Well, I am glad I wrote this.  I feel better and more ready for sleep.  Goodnight all!  *hugs*  <3

An Unexpected Mirror

As I said before my 'Life is Good' post, a friend of mine was having some relationship issues.  Well, a break-up has resulted.  From my limited observations, I would say it is due to unresolved issues in both parties due to past abuse.  This makes my heart heavy, as they had a lovely connection otherwise.

I know both parties and have talked about some issue stuff before with them.  I still have not spoken to one of them about this recent event, I'm not sure they want to and I refuse to push people into talking.  So, the one I have talked to, does seem to understand what issues that person may have.  The other person seems oblivious or in denial.

Now, I may be wrong in my observations.  Knowing that abuse was a part of their lives and seeing behavior quite similar to my own, I feel I may be correct. 

This event is a mirror for me in a number of ways:
- similar issues I am aware of in myself:
   - insecurity/low self-esteem
   - extreme idealism
   - anger issues
   - self-sabotage and relationship sabotage
   - codependency
   - passivity
   - passive-aggressive behavior
- issues that were more prevalent before:
   - the above, but more severe
   - denial of issues
   - believing issues should be fixed instantly

Here is what has made me the most frustrated and/or disgusted:
- passive-aggressive behavior
- sabotage
- idealism

It seems that what annoys us the most, represents us the best.  While I feel I have made some progress with self-esteem, assertiveness, codependency, and emotion expression, I struggle more with passive-aggressiveness, sabotage, and idealism.  The passive-aggressiveness is the least of those but I do believe it is still present.  I will need to observe myself more to see. 

I have decided that instead of getting frustrated at others, I should look at this mirror as an opportunity to focus on myself.  This whole dramatic event has opened my eyes to far more than above.  For instance:
- I am still very attracted to drama and chaos
- I need to remember that I must not judge others
   - esp. with issues, once upon a time, I did not believe I had issues either
- I take how people similar to me being treated poorly as an attack on me
- I seem to still believe in keeping poor treatment by others secret like it was during my childhood

So, in some ways this mirror depresses me as I feel like I have been doing poorly.  However, I must remember that I have been improving with other things.  My self-esteem is getting better.  My recovery from icky spells is increasing in speed.  I seem to also recognize when I need to let out emotions and stress.  This past week, I have been letting out repressed stress from this prior semester and grief related to a younger me.  I am also becoming more aware and in control of myself, which is important on its own.

Well, I'm going to sleep.  Take care all!  *hugs*  <3

Life is Good!

A special thanks to Katie at Sharing Our Spaces for the lovely award!  This is such a nice reminder on the joys of life and how lucky I am.  Learning to embrace life and not fear it has been quite a journey.

Award Questions:
1. What would you perfect day consist of?

A very good day would require an instant teleport device.  It would start with me waking up without an alarm to a great cup of coffee.  I would get to spend a bit of time with all the people that matter most, wherever they are.  Good food, interesting and sincere conversation, and music would be required.  Of course, there would also be a bit of time for myself.  Reading, writing, walking, and bike riding would have to occur.  To be really ideal, different seasons would have to occur in that day so I could enjoy spring flowers and showers, summer sunshine and biking, autumn cooling and leaves changing, and winter air and walks.  It would finish with me returning to my family farm to enjoy the clear starry sky.

2. How would you describe yourself if you were an item of clothing?

A long, well-worn, colorful, and intricately patterned cotton skirt.

3. What hobbies are you currently working on?

Oh goodness, there are a number of hobbies that occupy my time.  Writing, gardening, cooking, ham radio, and learning to fly model aircraft come to mind.  I guess improving myself has become my most important and time-consuming project.

4. Walking in the woods in wellies or bare foot on the beach?

I've only been on a freshwater beach of the Lake Superior so I don't know if that compares.  However, I love being out in the woods.  The stately trees, varied floor flora and wildlife, and the cool shade bring me peace.

5. Have you ever hugged or sang to a tree?

I have hugged, but not sang.  I may have to do this.  I do talk to trees and plants as well.

6. Growing your own veggies or nipping to the supermarket?

When I was a teen, I took over our large family garden.  I have not had much of a chance to do such a thing now but would LOVE to.  So, I get most of my veggies from the supermarket.  Though, soon the farmer's markets will be open and that's the next best thing after a personal garden.

7. Have you found anyone exciting in your family tree?

People not in our family have claimed that we are related to Sacajawea's husband.  Though his name was very popular so it's doubtful.

8. Slap up meal in a posh restaurant or fish 'n' chips from the wrapper?

I prefer more simple meals myself.  

9. Which element do you most resonate with, Earth, Air, Fire or water?

Oh goodness, let me relearn about these.  *goes off to learn*  I would say water.  I'm a Pisces and have many Piscean characteristics.  

10. Do you believe in fairies?

I would say yes.  For one thing, I think this world is a magical place where much is unknown.  Also, I reason to believe such beings exist based on trusted sources.
Oh, this reminds me of a John Lennon quote:  I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?
And that reminds me of something my Philosophy professor once stated:  there is no way to proven that our dream state is not the real world.
So, while I don't totally agree with John Lennon on that quote, I strive to be very open in the possibilities of what exists.

 

I would like to dedicate this to all that are embracing life and finding joy in their lives.

Specifically, a number of people I can think of have already been awarded:
- Paula at Becoming myself
- SoD at Just Be
- Katie at Sharing Our Spaces
- Marj at Survivors Can Thrive!

Additionally, I would like to pass this on to Ms Hen at Ms Hen's Blog as she inspires me with her positive attitude and her appreciation  of the small things in life.


Hugs to all!  <3

Recent Events and the Intertwined Issues and Reflections

Wow, that's some title, huh?  Well it fits nicely with what I want to say.

This Friday, a friend's mother got dizzy, fell in her home, and could not get up.  Offering my help, I went with my friend to help.  Once we got her up off the floor, she looked rather dazed and so we decided to bring her to the ER.  I  learned a couple of things about myself with this event:
- I have gotten a lot more social and comfortable around others
- I get along with the elderly quite well
- the elderly and and children have many similarities and seem to get disrespected for the same reasons

I grew up around a lot of elderly people and so I believe that is some of the reason I am more comfortable around them.  I also seem more aware that I share an interest in being heard and paid attention to.  Anyway, these are generalizations and do not apply to all.  I'm just glad I can see how I relate to others.

Mother's Day was a rather quiet day for me.  I have had a strained relationship with my mother.  I still love her and have come to a point where I feel empathy and sympathy for how she has been abused by others.  I seem to have an easier time forgiving her than for forgiving myself for being a 'bad' daughter.  How does one react well to the thought that your mother's life would have been better if you did not exist?  She's in a crappy place right now, but I cannot help her.  Hopefully I can learn someday that I cannot save the world.  I sure seem to want to and feel enough guilt for not being able to.

My friend has gotten into a rather icky spot.  After posting a rather judgemental status online, his girlfriend posted a laundry list how he's a terrible boyfriend.  I will not go into much detail, however I have learned that context gets lost so easily online with such things.  I'm not saying either are right as I do not know and will probably never know the whole story.  We discussed some issues he has, as he shares many of the ones I myself have.  I shared some experiences and what I myself have learned.

Frankly, I see in myself a feeling of disgust.  I feel like if I was in his situation, I would dump her.  How she said some of the things she did do not seem quite correct.  His reputation has been ruined with so many.  I see a lot of relationship sabotage here, as I'm awesome at self-sabotage myself.

It is very  interesting to see how I think about things as I gain confidence and self-respect.  I start to set boundaries on stuff I would not put up with from others, like online humiliation. 

Anyway, all of that has just made me unproductive and cross.  I am attracted to drama and chaos as that's all I knew growing up.  However, it messes with me and I don't like that a bit.  So, I've decided to limit my online presence for a bit.  I have enough drama without watching partial bits of other's. 

Don't be mistaken:  I still will visit survivor blogs and show support.  That is not what makes me cross.  I am so happy to see what other survivors post.  I get inspired, touched, supported, and educated.  I am just saying that social networking takes up time and feeds my dramatic side.

I have an ill father and grandmother, a mother in distress, a sister in need of encouragement and self-esteem building, a sister in need of stress relief and emotional release, friends and family with financial and other medical problems, a Master's degree at work, my own health and financial means, and myself to think of and to cause drama. 

Anyway, I just needed to vent.  I seem to also get frustrated in behavior of others that I myself still have.  Sabotage, insecurity, untempered idealism, low self-esteem, passive-aggressiveness, drama creation, etc. all bug me.  Though, that reasures me to some degree.  It means I am tolerating less of that in myself.  Though I must accept that in others as I cannot control how they are. 

Anyway, thanks for stopping by.  This wasn't a very informative post, but it sure helped me heaps.  Take care!  *hugs*  <3

A Cyclic Side Effect of Codependency?

I have so much to say and process.  I have had little chance to do so as I have been very busy.  I have a little free time, so here we go.  I like to divide posts up by issue as much as possible. 

Today, I would like to share a conversation that I had with an old friend that I ran into the other day.  She needed to vent about her boyfriend's mother.  As she talked about different things this mother does, it made me think of some rather severe codependency.  Mentioning that, she agreed and we discussed codependency a bit as well.

Anyway, one thing she mentioned was that this lady would avoid discussions and debates.  She only talks about family and what various people do and such, including people the other party does not know.  So, people would think, so what? 

Now, I know that codependents dislike conflict.  I sure do.  However, I never thought about how talking about people and little events and such was a means of me avoiding the conflict of a discussion or debate.  I do talk about such things a lot.  I only have debates and such with very few people. 

Anyway, one thing I have noticed for myself is feeling as though people don't listen to me.  When I talk about something that happened to myself or someone else, people seem to commonly change the topic as though I said nothing at all.  Sometimes when people are talking about some event or something, I will bring up a past related experience, as I figure that's what one does in conversations.  Such a response commonly gets ignored.

So, I wonder, is me bringing up 'safe' exchanges like that boring and/or irrelevant to others another part of my codependency?  I know everyone says such things but most of my talking is just that.  I brought up this being cyclic because feeling ignored just seems to make me feel worse and want more attention.  Since I'm so careful what I bring up, I just say more safe stuff and end up feeling more ignored.

So, the question is, could this be valid?  Part of me says maybe.  Another part of me says that I also just bring up random things that others just may not be all that concerned with.  And there are people who will listen to my 'safe' statements.  So, perhaps I'm just around some folks that just are not interested in what I have to say? 

I also wonder if people have an idealistic way of looking at how people should talk.  One of the best listeners I know is a very 'live and let live' kind of person.  So, perhaps since there's no preconceived notion in what I should be talking about, I get listened to and responded to.

Anyway, I just wanted to throw this out there as it's been on my mind.  Take care!  *hugs*  <3

Around Children, Round Two

So, yesterday I spent some time with my friend and the couple of kids I mentioned in my last post.  I feel like writing out the experience and how I felt.  Actually, I don't think I'll be able to focus on my exam unless I do this.

The biggest thing I noticed was the presence of old beliefs.  One was being ignored and not wanted around.  Another was not getting a chance to speak.  I realize I was not being ignored but I think that I am still seeking attention from when I was younger.  I used to rarely speak growing up, figuring no one wanted to hear what I had to say and/or when I did speak saying the wrong thing and getting into trouble.  Now as I have gotten more willing to talk, I still struggle to interact.  Sometimes I'm prone to interrupting people because I get so excited.  It seems like people are used to me not talking or think I don't want to talk.  Thus, it is often that there is no gaps in conversations so that I can talk.  So I end up sitting there, listening to people go back and forth, with a question or what have you.  And people wonder why I don't talk and it's like, well I would have had to talk over you in order to do so.

So, I noticed my feelings of being ignored and just observed them.  I tried to figure out why I felt that way.  I saw that my inner child felt ignored.  I noticed that it seems that I have to compete with kids, much like I feel with adults but moreso.  I saw that as a result, I have less patience with kids and can feel irritated.  However, I realize that this is not a permanent attitude.  I feel that as I do more inner child work, I will enjoy children's company and be more at ease.

However, I'm not sure what to do.  I think this being around kids thing is good for me.  However, I do get a bit shy, irritated, and flustered at times.  Most of that is internal but I think people can tell I'm a little uncomfortable.  I don't want to make those kids not like me as I get more used to them.  My friend understands my issues and background, yet I feel embarrassed to show my discomfort on this.  I seem to keep finding things I'm uncomfortable with and that I react poorly to.  I realize that's good and I'm learning and growing.  I just don't want to burn bridges doing so.

So, at the end of the visit, I felt my friend snapped at me.  Though, I think I mistook that as I felt very sensitive and vulnerable then.  I ended up walking home in tears.  I knew I was hurting and that I needed some inner child comfort.  I did take time to read Little Women, one of my favorite stories since I was young.  I couldn't read much and I had to study and take care of laundry, etc. 

Now I see today that I should have taken more care of myself.  I feel rather muddled and sad and out of focus.  However, I have this test to take and a project to finish so I can't completely breakdown.  This is another reason I wonder if I should limit my time around kids.  Some of these issues really hurt and distract me.  I'll just have to get through this the best I can. 

I'll have to find a way to listen to some music.  I'm going to read a bit more tonight, project or not.  That book brings such a happiness to me.  Reading brings me to that safe and happy home in that book.  I should paint and color some too soon.  I may have to have a little ice cream too.  Just try doing what I liked as a kid and now.  It helps to talk to my friend though I feel so self-conscious.  In the end I learn that how I am is ok and I'll just keep on growing.

Oh, another note on this kid thing.  I think one of the girls rather likes me.  And all I can think is why?  I'm not nearly as fun as my friend.  And I'm shy.  It's funny.  I know that I have a low self-esteem.  However, I never realized how at the core of myself I felt so bad about myself.  How I sabotage myself with others because I don't believe I deserve friendships or people being nice to me. 

Relating to Children and Past Rejection

With this topic, I do not have resources to share and have struggled to find more information about it.

A couple of days ago, I was spending time with a friend who watches the neighbor's daughter.  So, I got to spend some time with a couple of kids.  As stated before, this is an area I struggle with.  I like the idea of spending time with kids and doing some of the fun things I never really got to do when I was younger. 

However, there are a number of issues that get flared up with these interactions.  For one, old rejection from when I was a kid has been surfacing.  I didn't think this stuff had much impact on me but I can see that I am wrong.  It hurt so badly that other kids didn't like me, even though they were jerks. 

Also, I'm still shy around acquaintances, which makes it more difficult to relate to kids.  Growing up so shy and serious, it's hard for me to let my guard down and just have fun.  I also fear that the kids will reject me, just as they had back when I was young.

Now, there's also some issues related to my friend.  My friend is just awesome with kids, very engaged and fun.  This is great, but I feel compelled to compare myself to him.  In many ways, I feel he is better than I am and it makes his advice about that it just takes time and exposure to kids to get more comfortable less meaningful.  I feel lectured and sometimes it's difficult for me to take advice from someone who does not seem to struggle.

So, let's see:  we have insecurity, social awkwardness, comparisons, and also idealism.  I grew up in an environment that was not only abusive but also strict.  The strict stuff wasn't too bad:  manners, respect, etc.  So, when I see these kids rampaging and playfully hitting adults, it irritates me.  I was raised with the children should be seen not heard deal.  I'm glad to see kids have fun, but my idealism still remains.

I don't want kids to grow up in an environment like I did.  I don't want them to be scared to say stuff.  I don't want them to witness abuse.  I don't want them to not act like kids.  I don't want them to not get treated with respect.  So it seems that in some ways, I have to let go of what I knew and embrace what I truly feel is right.

Now, I am requesting feedback.  Does any of what I mention sound familiar to you?  Is this just a random setup or is it common with abused adults?  Also, I truly would like to get some ideas on how to relate to kids better.  I'd like to know any ideas on being less stiff and more socially competent.  I know I have a child-like side to me that likes having fun, but it's difficult for me to tap into that due to insecurity and rejection. 

This whole situation put me in a hole for a little while.  I felt bad from rejection, from feeling awkward, from seeming boring, from feeling like I'm not good enough...  However, I have been pulling myself up.  These bad times used to happen every couple of days.  Now it seems to take weeks.  This is quite encouraging for me.

Assertiveness Article Chain

I have been very busy with school, work, and personal stuff.  I have been reading around, but my mind has been elsewhere.  Since things are a little calmer, I felt the need to update.

I'm glad that others found that link helpful.  It really helped me to understand what calms me and what other emotional-related skills I need to work on.

When I post here, not only do I like to post what's going on for me, but also ways to deal with what's going on.  I have always had in mind that this blog would be a place of helpful links for others.

Lately, I have been feeling a lot of internal anger and resentment.  I've been uncovering layers of it and why I feel that way.  Also, I have focused a lot on liking myself and inner child stuff.  It seems like whenever I focus on something, I seem to slip a little in another area.

This time, and probably a lot of other times, the area I've been slipping in is assertiveness.  Being passive is how I have always been.  So, it's easy to slip back into that, especially when stressed.

Only in the last few months have I thought of myself as a person with needs and wants.  I have always been so focused on others, that I didn't even care about me.  I've been trying to improve my self-esteem as I figure if I like myself more, I will stand up for myself more.

However, assertiveness is still a central area of improvement for me.  I have been told that when one goes from being passive to assertive, sometimes that person will become aggressive until they realize what the difference is and settle into being assertive.  I'm not sure if that's true, though it seems as though that has happened for me.

Anyway, so I went looking for more resources about being assertive and found this.  It's on a business/management info website of all things.  However, in the business world, one needs to be assertive too.  This article shares ways to become more assertive.  It suggests:

drawing clear boundaries
offering context when verbalizing your wants and needs to others
avoid trying to control other's response
maintaining boundaries

Pretty basic stuff but stuff I needed to be reminded of.  I also have not heard about offering context to what you are requesting.  By doing so, you avoid offending the other person as it shows you are not attacking them.  At the bottom of the article is a link to a related article:  Importance of Being Firm Without Being Rude.  At bottom of that is Learn How to Say "No".  And at the bottom of that is Non-Verbal Assertive Communication.  It keeps on going with dealing with workplace bullying, etc.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this.  I will have to share more later as I have to go.  *hugs*  <3

Emotional Maturity

Hello everyone out there!  I left my Joy post up as long as I could.  However, I recently found a resource that is useful to me and perhaps to others.  Paula recently mentioned using her chain for stress reduction that she introduced to us earlier.  As I  have been burdened more with stress, I wanted to learn more.

Reading online, I came across this article about rapid stress reduction.  It discusses the ways people react under a lot of stress.  It also brings up simulating your senses for stress relief, which is related to what Paula shared.

Some highlights:

How we respond to stress (I respond with the foot on both):

• Foot on the gas – An angry or agitated stress response. You’re heated, keyed up, overly emotional, and unable to sit still.
• Foot on the brake – A withdrawn or depressed stress response. You shut down, space out, and show very little energy or emotion.
• Foot on both – A tense and frozen stress response. You “freeze” under pressure and can’t do anything. You look paralyzed, but under the surface you’re extremely agitated.

What kind of sensory input one may need:

• Speed up, if you are a person who is spaced out or depressed
• Slow down, if you are a person who is angry or agitated
• Help get unstuck, if you are a person who is frozen with anxiety

The above-mentioned article considers quick stress relief as one of five skills for raising emotional intelligence.

• Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 1: The ability to quickly reduce stress.
• Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 2: The ability to recognize and manage your emotions.
• Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 3: The ability to connect with others using nonverbal communication.
• Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 4: The ability to use humor and play to deal with challenges.
• Emotional intelligence (EQ) skill 5: The ability to resolve conflicts positively and with confidence.

 This article discusses on how of these skills build on the previous skills.  I feel that would be true.  Everything on this list relates to what I work on.  I would also say tolerance to change is another skill for emotional intelligence.  Also, the ability to see the world in more than just black and white.

Finding Joy

For most of my life, I have not felt much in the way of emotion.  Expression of emotion consisted of fits of anger or crying.  I never thought that I had control over my own feelings, reactions, and outlook.  The world seemed pretty black or pretty white.  Even so, I always had a tiny voice inside telling me not to give up and that everything was going to be ok.

As I learn about what I can and cannot control, as well as the world's grayness, I have been able to discover joy.  As such, that little voice has gotten stronger.  It is strong enough that I can say those things myself.  Even with things that I never believed I could get through, I can now stand ready to weather whatever pain and suffering I may have in store.  It does not mean it is easy for me, but that I can bear it.

I have found joy in a number of ways:
+  Taking walks.  No matter where you live, be it a busy city or out in the boonies, there is a world to explore.  You can discover many joyous things by looking around as you walk.  That said, take out those earphones and put away that cell phone.  Whether it is birds chirping or children playing, there are also lots of sounds to take in.  Don't neglect the other senses either.  Pay attention to how your body feels as you walk or taste the local food.

+  Listening to music.  The variety of music one has access to in this day and age is astounding.  Through its instrumentals and/or voice, music can be so moving.  It can cause smiles, singing, and/or dancing.  While a catchy harmony is great, inspiring lyrics can really make me smile.

+  Other activities.  Walking is hardly the only activity that can be enjoyable.  Dancing, biking, running, yoga, gardening, skating, etc. are all great ways to move.  The increase in blood flow and endorphins, the moving of your muscles, etc. not only benefit your body but your mind.

+  Animals.  Be it a cat, dog, fish, bird, snake, horse, eagle, etc., animals can bring such joy.  Whether for companionship, observation, etc., animals are also stress-relieving, a major factor in one's feelings of joy.  They can make you laugh, move, think, or inspire you with their beauty and sense of peace.

+  Conversations.  It can be a stirring political discussion or a simple exchange about the weather.  Reaching out and connecting to others, be it in real life or online, can be very enjoyable.  Learning about viewpoints, sharing a joke, or finding forgiveness can all happen during conversations.


Those are just some ways that I have found joy.  Now for what gives me joy:
+  People give me joy.  Interesting conversations, hugs, smiles, all of these things and more I get from people.  Much of what I have learned in life was not from books but people.  They may not be perfect but that's what makes them interesting and lovable.  Not only am I blessed with loving people in my life, but I have a great boss, fun coworkers, and a whole variety of interesting acquaintances.

+ I love animals.  I grew up on a farm with dogs, cats, and cows.  Plus, there was a lot of wildlife around:  deer, rabbits, birds, coyotes, wolves, badgers, skunks, raccoons, turtles, fish, beavers, etc.  Now I am living with a cat of my roommates'.  He has made me a cat lover for sure.  Even though he's getting older, he's still as playful and curious as a kitten.  He always seems to be able to tell when someone is sad and gives them attention.  He has his mischievous moments too, like when he raids my underwear drawer or jumps on me when I'm on the toilet.  I also live close to the country so I can still enjoy wildlife.  I love taking pictures or just observing them.  Bunnies, squirrels, and birds hang out near where I work.  The janitors feed them popcorn and they are just so fun to watch.

+  Activities!  I enjoy taking long walks (always have, even when little), bike riding, dancing (esp. ballroom), hiking, camping, gardening, and geocaching.  I marvel at how my body moves and how lucky I am to not be in pain.  I have many friends who are in pain, either from injuries or age.  I feel very blessed and intend to take care of my body the best I can.

+  Food and cooking.  I love to cook!  It's my main way to be creative.  I love making food that people enjoy and I love the challenge of making something frugal, healthy, and tasty.  I commonly give food away as gifts.  Though I'm not a vegetarian, meat really isn't what I enjoy about food.  I adore cheese, vegetables, fruit, pasta, yogurt, chocolate milk, honey, peanut butter, nuts, and seafood.  Pasta salad is one of my favorite foods.  I also love deviled eggs, cheesecake, coffee, tea, etc.  I love brussel sprouts and oranges (not together).  Goodness, I could go on for way too long. 

+  Ideas.  I love how people have such varied ideas and viewpoints.  I enjoy discussing them.  I really enjoy how my ideas on life and the world are coming together to a central theme.  How responsibility, liberty, love, community, self-reliance, independence, frugality, respect, and peace can all intertwine.  I love learning about others and how my mind changes as I learn more.

+ Plants. I have oodles of houseplants.  Most of which I rescued from the boulevard during Cleanup Week.  Pothos, spiders, Christmas cacti, etc.  I love trees and grass and flowers.  I especially adore pines, they are so beautiful in these state forests.  I love how stubbornly little grasses and weeds will spring up from the cracks in parking lots and sidewalks.  I love flowers that smell good like roses, lilies of the valley, peonies, and lilacs.  The last three all grow here where I live (one of my roomies is allergic to roses).  I love vegetable and herb gardens.  How beauty and function come together.  I love that you can grow potatoes in a trash can.  I love moss and ferns.  I love Christmas trees and bouquets, though it makes me sad that they are dying.

+  Weather.  I love storms.  It was amazing to watch them roll along the prairie.  They thrill me and scare me at the same time.  Tornadoes and hurricanes scare me but fascinate me.  I love rain; it helps plants and crops grow.  It makes the pastures green for cows.  I love to walk in the rain.  I have always wanted someone to kiss me in the rain.  I love sunny days.  The feeling of the sun on my face is one that I never want to forget.  I love how brilliant blue the sky can be.  I love clouds and all their different types.  I love snow.  Walking in snow is fun too.  I love snowshoeing, snowmen, snowbanks, snow angels,  and snowball fights.  I love being in the cold but all cuddly warm with good boots, my bomber hat, and mittens.  I love learning about the weather and being at peace knowing I can't control it.

+  The stars!  Oh goodness, when I lived in the country, I could see billions of them.  I love the constellations and the stories behind them.  I love this strange feeling I get when looking at them.  I have this urge to be up among the stars.  I've always had that feeling.  When I came to the city for college, I felt soooo homesick.  Seeing those three tiny stars (one may have been a planet) as I sat on the curb outside my dorm gave me so much comfort.  Every time I go out in the country, I hope and pray for a clear night.  The view always takes my breath away.  In the winter, I love walking home at night with Orion above me.  I feel like he's protecting me.  Oh, and the moon and planets!  The moon is so beautiful in each phase.  And it's funny how the sun is just a star that warms my face during the day.  Saturn is my favorite planet.  I love its rings.

+  The simple things.  I love hot showers, warm clothes from the dryer, fresh baked bread, a hot cup, and new socks.  I love smiles and hugs.  I love when a good song suddenly pops up on the radio, when I find something lost while cleaning, when it's warm enough for my long flowing skirts.  I love having a comfy bed and comfy shoes.  I love realizing that I don't fit many people's idea of how I should be.  I love the discovery that I can be ok with that. 


I love that when I started writing this, I felt like crap and had been crying and now feel happy.  Everything I mentioned, plus much more, is where I find joy.  I wish you the best in finding your's.


<3

Moving Ahead

Now that I have shared some of my struggles and reflected upon them, I feel I can move forward being positive.  Thank you for your kindness and hugs! 

I feel I should post my upcoming plans for improvement.  I see now that I have more work to do regarding my inner child, anger, and assertiveness.  So, while I have more work in those areas, I feel like I have entered a new stage.  I feel much more determined to get my life together.  I want to be organized, detached, positive, and healthy.  I feel as though I am taking more responsibility for myself.  I'm guessing I have matured somewhat.  Also, I feel very overwhelmed but want to find a solution myself, not just blame the world for it.  I've been good at taking the initiative to do things, however, I believe I always thought of myself as a victim. 

Regardless of how people feel or act, I can totally control how I react.  I don't have to join an argument, I don't have to feel a certain way, I don't have to think negatively.  While I still feel weak in the area of assertiveness, I feel stronger than ever.  I still live in fear, but can deal with it.  The world seems to crumble under me, but I am now determined to not be defeated.

I have to go now, but will post more at a later time.


*hugs*  <3

Grief, Guilt, Anger

Thank you to all who have been popping by!  During rougher times, I have a tendency to isolate and avoid the blog world.  I also just get busy with drama and such.

I have been having some rough days as of late.  More and more things are popping up that I need to attend to this next month or so.  I'm trying to keep the stress and worry at bay but with other difficult emotions surfacing, that's not easy.

So, what are my problem areas now?  Well, let's see:

- grief as a loved one from afar is dying

- codependent guilt trips

- poor assertive argument skills

- anger and sadness surfacing

- inner child struggle

- negativity

It bums me that I can list that all out in a little bullet list.  Yet, it's good that I'm aware of it all.

I haven't talked about the dying thing much, as it's difficult to and that person is extremely private online.  Yet I feel that I can say how I feel.  I feel so helpless, my codependency is driving me nuts.  I want to save them with vitamins and healthy food and determination.  So many feelings get touched off, sadness, anger, guilt, love, etc.  This person has caused a lot of the issues I have now and am working on.  They didn't intentionally and I'm not blaming them.  I have been told that I should tell them that before they die.  I don't think I want to cause such trouble.  I'm still scared of them and I feel guilty enough as it is.

Thus, I have been spiraling in guilt trips.  Of being a crappy daughter, of being a crappy big sister, of being a crappy friend....  I should be able to save people, help them be emotionally mature and happy.  I should have stood up to my parents fighting.  I should have not been scared, big sisters aren't scared.  I should take care of my friends.  That's what my codependency says.  I finally identified much of my guilt as a result of codependency.  Some of it is ridiculous, I have not been put on this earth to take care of everyone.  There are ways I can improve, reach out more, show more love, etc.  I have to get over the past and love now.  This seems difficult.

I got into a horrible fight with a friend of mine.  Old and new anger bubbled out in hateful words.  It was awful.  :(  It's like that one quote, "Sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel."  ~Author Unknown.  I have apologized but it is going to take time for their hurt feelings to heal.  This is the stuff where my negative self-talk just beats me up.  I must learn to be better at assertive talk.  I have to not let my anger get to me so much.

So, with all of these emotions, this inner child business seems to be back, though I'm sure it hasn't left.  I have kind of neglected her, the poor dear.  I have been comforting her when I get upset, I'm not sure what else to do.

Over the last month, I have truly realized how negative I have become.  I never even notice what slips out.  I still end up dealing with abusive people and I let that get to me.  I am still codependent with various people.  In some ways, I feel like a fraud here, like everyone has gotten away from all bad and are now healing.  Anyway, I need to focus back on the positive.  I know I can change this.  

Here are some anger quotes I found online.  These are good reminders for me and maybe others.

- Life is too short to hold a grudge, also too long.  ~Robert Brault

- He who angers you conquers you.  ~Elizabeth Kenny

- Anger ventilated often hurries toward forgiveness; and concealed often hardens into revenge.  ~Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

- Get mad, then get over it.  ~Colin Powell

- Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.  ~Malachy McCourt

- Take no revenge that you have not pondered beneath a starry sky, or on a canyon overlook, or to the lapping of waves and the mewing of a distant gull.  ~Robert Brault    

- If you're angry at a loved one, hug that person.  And mean it.  You may not want to hug - which is all the more reason to do so.  It's hard to stay angry when someone shows they love you, and that's precisely what happens when we hug each other.  ~Walter Anderson

- I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.  ~Author Unknown

- The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk.  ~Jacqueline Schiff

    

Laughter and Tears

Ok, I know I only wrote a post a few minutes ago.  However, I have to get this out.

Today I read this on Sarah's blog about laughter.  Goodness, did this ever trigger something in me.  I had tears in my eyes after reading it and now I do again as I post this.  Outside of a few belly laughs with my sisters over something really silly, I never really laughed or smiled when I was younger.  I remember someone in junior high asking why I never laughed.  I think I just shrugged my shoulders at their question.  It is easier now to laugh.  Recently, I have realized just how much I giggle and chuckle about what goes on around me and even when things go badly.  Though I don't laugh very loud most of the time.  I feel like I muted myself, like I was only supposed to laugh if others think it is funny.

Now on to tears.  Goodness, I didn't have much of a problem with that.  I got labeled a crybaby at school and it was yet another thing to single me out.  I was terribly sensitive then, and still am.  I wanted to be accepted and liked so much by the other kids.  In order to get them to like me, I would have had to disown some of my own qualities.  I already felt repressed enough at home so I didn't do that.  Though I did go deeper into my shell.  I have also had other reactions to me crying.  Anger and guilt are the main ones.  I used to feel ashamed of crying, especially in front of men.  I felt it was an unacceptable sign of weakness.  Since what I do and what I am interested in are something with more men, I felt like I had to prove strength.  Also, others around me were codependent and felt to blame for my tears.

It's funny, I always thought I was an emotional person.  However, I think I just acted emotionally.  I repressed a lot of anger, sadness, hopelessness, and fear.  Now, when I cry, I feel the pain pour out.  Now, when I laugh, I feel joy.  I feel all of this stronger than ever.  It can be overwhelming, but it is easier than living with repressed emotions stirring within.

To Feel Worthy

This is a response to a challenge on this website.  I encourage you to check out what others have shared.

With a recent blowup regarding insecurity, a shift has taken place in my thinking.  The idea that the only way I will get security in myself is by changing my self-image into something more positive seems to have finally sunk in.  I cannot do a thing about how others see me.  I truly don't want to. 

So today, as I was walking home, I thought more about how I view myself and self love.  A few months back, I remember laying on my bed, wondering how I could ever love myself.  This was months after I read online and in books about the importance of loving yourself.  I knew I had to.  I realized that I could not truly love others until I did.  I knew that such love would wash away the anger and resentment I feel about not being accepted by others.  Yet, I was at a lost as to how I could ever love myself.

I took baby steps.  I worked on thinking more positively.  Not just about me, but also about other people and situations.  I thought about what I liked about me.  I tried to find a positive side to what I didn't like about me.  I looked at myself naked in the mirror before and after showers.  I tried to make more decisions based on how I felt rather than how someone else felt.  I decided to change my lifestyle for my own health, not just to be prettier or whatever.  I decided to like what I already liked about me, even if others thought it was weird or odd.

Slowly, it all seems to help.  Have I accomplished all of this totally?  NO!  I still have my bad times.  Sometimes they last a few minutes, maybe a few hours.  The difference is that I now bring myself up by being kind to myself.  While I appreciate support, I am slowly stopping the search for a shoulder to cry on.  I'm crying on my own shoulder.  I'm complimenting myself.  I got myself some of these as a birthday gift. 

I still struggle.  I still get upset with myself.  I have a lot of negative self-talk to conquer.  My awareness of my codependency and other issues makes it easy to beat myself up.  However, I can love myself.  It is possible.  Right now.  With my issues, my problems, my immaturity, my codependency, my emotions, my fears.  As I am right now, I am lovable.  To actually feel that as being true just blows me away.

Can't You Just Adore Her?

This morning, I was listening to Mandy Moore's song, Can't You Just Adore Her.  It got me thinking about my need to feel accepted and loved.  As always, when I turn a love song toward myself, it makes me think more about my behavior.  Why can I just adore myself?  Yes, I do need to change how I react and how I treat myself and others.  But why can't I just enjoy the rest of myself?  I've been thinking as of late about some current events.  I've pegged a lot of it down to a negative self-image.  I seem to project this on to other people.  I will have to post more about this and some material I found.

I have been having some hectic days as of late.  I may not seem very active.  I do read and I'm about.  I'm thinking of you all!  Have a good week!  *hugs*  <3

P.S.  Ok, I can't help it.  I found this link a couple of days ago.  It discusses an interesting pattern of how jealousy results from insecurity and can result in an attempt to control others.  It discusses false beliefs and negative self-image as reasons for jealousy (and in some cases anger). 

February 2010 Edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse!

Welcome to the February 2010 edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse! This carnival increases awareness of child abuse and allows survivors to connect. This month, we are having the theme of birthdays, since four days from now is my own. Birthdays can be quite emotional for survivors.

Please enjoy the following posts! They have been categorized as the following: Birthday-Themed, Advocacy and Awareness, Aftermath, Art Therapy, Healing and Therapy, In the News, Poetry, and Survivor Stories.

If you, as an author or reader, come across relevant blog posts of merit, please submit them to future Blog Carnivals Against Child Abuse!



Birthday-Themed

IK (me) at Issue Knitting presents Birthday Thoughts. These are just some reflections of my birthday and what the day means and how it has been impacted.

Kate Wiggin at Kate1975's Blog shares Birthday Musings. In this post, Kate captures the various emotions brought on by birthdays, both in the past and the now.

katie at sharing our spaces posts healing the inner child. With the birthday theme, she discusses the movie The Kid, where an unhappy workaholic sees a younger version of himself. Expanding further, she also brings up the book 'Healing the Child Within'. I found this post rather helpful as that book has a lovely list of real self qualities versus the false or codependent self.

From Marj aka Thriver at Survivors Can Thrive! comes A Part Is Born. Marj shares her experience with DID and the birth of alters.

One Survivor at A Survivor's Thoughts on Life reflects with My Sister. This is a reflection of One Survivor's sister, as her birthday approaches.

Patricia Singleton at SPIRITUAL JOURNEY OF A LIGHTWORKER shares Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker: My Mom---The Silent Parent. This is a very touching tribute on her mother's birthday this month.

Rick Belden at poetry, dreams, and the body enters poetry, dreams, and the body » Blog Archive » broken birthday 51. Rick shares, "This poem was written on the morning of my 51st birthday in November 2008. Birthdays have typically been difficult for me throughout my life, but watching myself get another year older while I'm still trying to heal from a childhood that feels farther and farther away from me all the time adds another layer of challenging feelings to the experience."


Advocacy and Awareness

Aaliyah Williams at Masters in Elementary Education provides 9 Blogs About Childrearing Worth Reading. Here is a handy resource about childcare for parents and parents to be.

Dr. Alan Singer at FamilyThinking.com with Dr. Alan Singer writes Better Safe Than Stupid. Dr. Alan Singer remarks, "A parent must assume full responsibility for their child's well-being at all times, from infancy to when the child starts school, and then some. That's why something that I saw recently left an indelible impression on me."

Ekawaaz offers We should Be Ashamed: The Rampant Exploitation Of Children Continues in India. Ekawaaz says, "This Video I had captured 2 weeks ago in Lucknow, the state capital of India’s largest state. What a shame! This video is clearly saying that in India the rampant exploitation of children continues and no one really bothered be it local administration or Government. People do talk about NGO’s do talk about but the reality is that we are not doing enough to end this SHAME."

End Slavery Now at End Human Trafficking submits Saudi Girl, 12, Sold in Marriage to 80-Year-Old Relative. This article brings to light the fact that Saudi Arabia has no minimum age for marriage and how young daughters are sold off to marriage.

Surbhi at The Viewspaper posts Child Sexual Abuse: A Frightening Reality. Bringing India's problem with child sexual abuse up front, this article advocates doing something about this terrible problem that faces many more nations than India. As I check this, it was having an issue loading but is the right URL. I believe they may be having a temporary server glitch.


Aftermath

AM White at From Survivor to Thriver shares Fatherly Confusion « From Survivor to Thriver. This was an important post for AM White's recovery, for she figures out the negative impact of her father. This is certainly a relatable piece.

Colleen at Surviving by Grace writes Is It My Turn To Fly?. Colleen reflects on a lovely song about growth and reaching a point of strength and courage.

cornnut32 at picture of experience gives us cracked: understanding why i act the way i do. From a book about addicts and their rehab, cornnut32 finds insight into how she as a survivor is how she is. I personally found this post rather helpful as I can relate to much of the book's excerpt that she posted.

Lily at Locating My Life reflicts with Please Stop. Lily remarks, "A constant struggle for me, and many survivors. I know I sure could use others insight to help me understand. Hopefully this will help someone else ." This struggle is in regards to cutting, a form of self injury.

Shadowlight offers Forms of dissociative disorder « Shadowlight's Blog. This is a very informative post that illustrates the different forms of dissociative identity disorder.


Art Therapy (To stand on their own, without my interpretation.)

Paul at Mind Parts presents Visual Words. Paul remarks, "I wanted to introduce readers to what they can do with "word clouds"".


Healing and Therapy

Adam at ZenTactics - Child Abuse Recovery submits Healing the Inner Child. This post explains why you should heal your inner child and what may help you with this undertaking.

Cynthia Bland at Voice Found enters speak to your inner child. In this entry, Cynthia recalls a time she comforted her inner child. It's a wonderful reminder of how important re-parenting yourself can be for a survivor.

Dan Hays at Thoughts Along The Road to Healing writes My Inner Child. Dan says, "Informal thoughts about how to help my inner child heal, in response to a question from a friend."

Darlene Ouimet at Emerging From Broken posts The Longing for Family, Love and Self Love. This is a very touching post about rising above an abusive past to a serenity of self-love and acceptance.

Dr. Kathleen Young presents Overcoming Negative Self-Talk. This is a very informative post about negative self-talk and how to deal with it.

From fatgirloreo at OREO comes I Believe In Paying It Forward. She shares her experience with a support group and its final meeting.

JUST BE REAL gives us VENDING MACHINE OF PLEASING. This entry is a wonderful analogy relating vending machines and people pleasing. I really enjoyed this one myself.


In the News

Ekawaaz provides Indias shame: Sexual slavery, the Prostitution Racket and Child prostitutes: Channel 4 Investigation (video). Ekawaaz shares, "While doing some other work and looking for some other video, I came across with this report of Channel 4 and to be honest I was shocked and disgusted to see how the hell this type of force sex slavery is still going on and people involved in are not getting caught? What’s wrong with our system? We want it all, we want to be super power but unfortunately we are not able to protect these kids from this sex slavery trade. God save Indian Kids!"

Regina Scharf at DEEP BRAZIL offers 5 million workers under age « DEEP BRAZIL. This informative article explains that over five million Brazilian workers are under 18, many without pay, and the horrible conditions they must work in.



Poetry (To stand on their own words, not mine.)

Hope at Hope for Trauma posts Clouds & Rain « Hope for Trauma.


Survivor Stories

Jeff Bennett at Secret of a Kiss writes Childhood memories « Secret of a Kiss. This entry recalls sexual childhood memories of the author and their impact on him then and now.

Shen at Reunited Selves reflects with DID and the Fifth Step. Shen relates a moment of clarity she had related to dissociative identity disorder and the holding on to resentments and past experiences.