Observations

It has been a bit of an icky time for me.  My family has had some problems as of late with broken bones and illness.  I have people wanting me to go and take care of everything and fix their problems.  I have people who want more of my time.  I have people telling me to let others take care of themselves.  I feel pulled in all directions, like a piece of taffy.  You know how when you pull on taffy, it gets long and stringy?  Well, this is the most stringy I've been, or at least it sure feels that way.

I can't say, do, or think anything to please anyone.  I'm irritated and restless, depressed and angry.  I'm scared of people, scared of upsetting and disappointing them.  My PMS/PMDD has been raging into my period, for whatever reason.  I'm tired of crying, tired of moving, tired of trying to converse.  I feel as though I should just hibernate as I just get more stressed and stress others out.

Whew, that felt good.  I needed to get some of that out.  I'm really glad I have the music I do on this blog, it helps me.

Now for some positive.  Even with the arguing, crying, and everything else, I still have good moments now.  Things that make me smile:
- babies and little kids (A friend's little boy is just so funny to see and hear about.  I met a little girl yesterday that had just a tish of a Southern accent and called her mom Ma'am.  It was too cute to hear her talk.  And a girl I am getting to know seems to be how I would have been when I was little.  She's active and fun, wears jeans, skirts, scarves, and doesn't give a hoot to what people think of her.  Gosh, I hope that keeps on for her.  I'm going to be as supportive and encouraging as I can to her.)
- Flowers!  Peonies and lilacs have been blooming.  We have some pink peonies right by the door of where I work.  I like to smell them when I come and go.
- Music!  I like to listen to bands like Yes, Chicago, Kansas, Boston, Rolling Stones, Beatles, etc.  There are so many songs and artists I like.  Seriously, my music list is just what I needed now.
- I've been trying to eat healthy though I'm emotional right now.  I like veggies and fish a lot.  And I have to have my coffee and tea, though I've been drinking too much coffee again.  It's not good to binge but there is worse and more expensive things I could be doing.

Anyway, I have something to do so I'm cutting this short.  It helped a lot.  Take care!  *hugs*  <3

Healthy and Unhealthy Ways to Raise Serotonin

Serotonin, as you may know, is a chemical that impacts our sleeping, eating, and emotional patterns.  Levels of serotonin are commonly altered by anti-depressants.

I myself have been reading up on serotonin as carbohydrates increase such levels.  I am concerned that eating less carbohydrates would deprive me of serotonin.

Today, I found this PDF that gives examples of unhealthy and healthy ways to increase serotonin.  I found it rather fascinating as isolation, procrastination, obsessive thinking, anger, and crying can all increase serotonin.  Perhaps, that may explain partially why I and others exhibit such behavior at times.

However, exercise, boundary-setting, full lighting, and reducing caffeine can all healthily increase serotonin.  To me, this suggests a greater reason to practice healthy living.

Anyway, I just wanted to share!  Take care all!  *hugs*  <3

Crying in the Dark

Just a few moments ago, crying in the dark was just what I was doing.  It's funny, when I need to write/share the most, that's when I don't feel like blogging.  I have been on a rollercoaster of stress and PMDD.  Now is the time to slow this rollercoaster down a little.

As I draw near my period, depressing and negative thoughts and behaviors overwhelm me.  This worsens during times of stress and drama.  A quiet desperation suffocates me and a restlessness to uproot and renew occurs.  I cry often, for no or very minor reasons.  Anger and irritation are common companions during this time.  People wonder what gets into me and I personally wonder if I am truly going insane.

Then, my period occurs, and outside of some possibly severe cramping, everything calms down.  Positive thoughts and laughter come back.  I remember that I love life.  I pick up my issues and goals right where I left them.

I've learned that I can make these symptoms go away if I stay positive and decrease stress and drama.  So, it's frustrating to me that this returns.  At least I am aware.  I've read a lot about stress management, yet seem to stress in successfully doing it.  Though, I may not get to that until I detach better from others.  Other people's stress is what gets to me.  Not to say I don't have enough of my own.

Well, I am glad I wrote this.  I feel better and more ready for sleep.  Goodnight all!  *hugs*  <3

An Unexpected Mirror

As I said before my 'Life is Good' post, a friend of mine was having some relationship issues.  Well, a break-up has resulted.  From my limited observations, I would say it is due to unresolved issues in both parties due to past abuse.  This makes my heart heavy, as they had a lovely connection otherwise.

I know both parties and have talked about some issue stuff before with them.  I still have not spoken to one of them about this recent event, I'm not sure they want to and I refuse to push people into talking.  So, the one I have talked to, does seem to understand what issues that person may have.  The other person seems oblivious or in denial.

Now, I may be wrong in my observations.  Knowing that abuse was a part of their lives and seeing behavior quite similar to my own, I feel I may be correct. 

This event is a mirror for me in a number of ways:
- similar issues I am aware of in myself:
   - insecurity/low self-esteem
   - extreme idealism
   - anger issues
   - self-sabotage and relationship sabotage
   - codependency
   - passivity
   - passive-aggressive behavior
- issues that were more prevalent before:
   - the above, but more severe
   - denial of issues
   - believing issues should be fixed instantly

Here is what has made me the most frustrated and/or disgusted:
- passive-aggressive behavior
- sabotage
- idealism

It seems that what annoys us the most, represents us the best.  While I feel I have made some progress with self-esteem, assertiveness, codependency, and emotion expression, I struggle more with passive-aggressiveness, sabotage, and idealism.  The passive-aggressiveness is the least of those but I do believe it is still present.  I will need to observe myself more to see. 

I have decided that instead of getting frustrated at others, I should look at this mirror as an opportunity to focus on myself.  This whole dramatic event has opened my eyes to far more than above.  For instance:
- I am still very attracted to drama and chaos
- I need to remember that I must not judge others
   - esp. with issues, once upon a time, I did not believe I had issues either
- I take how people similar to me being treated poorly as an attack on me
- I seem to still believe in keeping poor treatment by others secret like it was during my childhood

So, in some ways this mirror depresses me as I feel like I have been doing poorly.  However, I must remember that I have been improving with other things.  My self-esteem is getting better.  My recovery from icky spells is increasing in speed.  I seem to also recognize when I need to let out emotions and stress.  This past week, I have been letting out repressed stress from this prior semester and grief related to a younger me.  I am also becoming more aware and in control of myself, which is important on its own.

Well, I'm going to sleep.  Take care all!  *hugs*  <3

Life is Good!

A special thanks to Katie at Sharing Our Spaces for the lovely award!  This is such a nice reminder on the joys of life and how lucky I am.  Learning to embrace life and not fear it has been quite a journey.

Award Questions:
1. What would you perfect day consist of?

A very good day would require an instant teleport device.  It would start with me waking up without an alarm to a great cup of coffee.  I would get to spend a bit of time with all the people that matter most, wherever they are.  Good food, interesting and sincere conversation, and music would be required.  Of course, there would also be a bit of time for myself.  Reading, writing, walking, and bike riding would have to occur.  To be really ideal, different seasons would have to occur in that day so I could enjoy spring flowers and showers, summer sunshine and biking, autumn cooling and leaves changing, and winter air and walks.  It would finish with me returning to my family farm to enjoy the clear starry sky.

2. How would you describe yourself if you were an item of clothing?

A long, well-worn, colorful, and intricately patterned cotton skirt.

3. What hobbies are you currently working on?

Oh goodness, there are a number of hobbies that occupy my time.  Writing, gardening, cooking, ham radio, and learning to fly model aircraft come to mind.  I guess improving myself has become my most important and time-consuming project.

4. Walking in the woods in wellies or bare foot on the beach?

I've only been on a freshwater beach of the Lake Superior so I don't know if that compares.  However, I love being out in the woods.  The stately trees, varied floor flora and wildlife, and the cool shade bring me peace.

5. Have you ever hugged or sang to a tree?

I have hugged, but not sang.  I may have to do this.  I do talk to trees and plants as well.

6. Growing your own veggies or nipping to the supermarket?

When I was a teen, I took over our large family garden.  I have not had much of a chance to do such a thing now but would LOVE to.  So, I get most of my veggies from the supermarket.  Though, soon the farmer's markets will be open and that's the next best thing after a personal garden.

7. Have you found anyone exciting in your family tree?

People not in our family have claimed that we are related to Sacajawea's husband.  Though his name was very popular so it's doubtful.

8. Slap up meal in a posh restaurant or fish 'n' chips from the wrapper?

I prefer more simple meals myself.  

9. Which element do you most resonate with, Earth, Air, Fire or water?

Oh goodness, let me relearn about these.  *goes off to learn*  I would say water.  I'm a Pisces and have many Piscean characteristics.  

10. Do you believe in fairies?

I would say yes.  For one thing, I think this world is a magical place where much is unknown.  Also, I reason to believe such beings exist based on trusted sources.
Oh, this reminds me of a John Lennon quote:  I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?
And that reminds me of something my Philosophy professor once stated:  there is no way to proven that our dream state is not the real world.
So, while I don't totally agree with John Lennon on that quote, I strive to be very open in the possibilities of what exists.

 

I would like to dedicate this to all that are embracing life and finding joy in their lives.

Specifically, a number of people I can think of have already been awarded:
- Paula at Becoming myself
- SoD at Just Be
- Katie at Sharing Our Spaces
- Marj at Survivors Can Thrive!

Additionally, I would like to pass this on to Ms Hen at Ms Hen's Blog as she inspires me with her positive attitude and her appreciation  of the small things in life.


Hugs to all!  <3

Recent Events and the Intertwined Issues and Reflections

Wow, that's some title, huh?  Well it fits nicely with what I want to say.

This Friday, a friend's mother got dizzy, fell in her home, and could not get up.  Offering my help, I went with my friend to help.  Once we got her up off the floor, she looked rather dazed and so we decided to bring her to the ER.  I  learned a couple of things about myself with this event:
- I have gotten a lot more social and comfortable around others
- I get along with the elderly quite well
- the elderly and and children have many similarities and seem to get disrespected for the same reasons

I grew up around a lot of elderly people and so I believe that is some of the reason I am more comfortable around them.  I also seem more aware that I share an interest in being heard and paid attention to.  Anyway, these are generalizations and do not apply to all.  I'm just glad I can see how I relate to others.

Mother's Day was a rather quiet day for me.  I have had a strained relationship with my mother.  I still love her and have come to a point where I feel empathy and sympathy for how she has been abused by others.  I seem to have an easier time forgiving her than for forgiving myself for being a 'bad' daughter.  How does one react well to the thought that your mother's life would have been better if you did not exist?  She's in a crappy place right now, but I cannot help her.  Hopefully I can learn someday that I cannot save the world.  I sure seem to want to and feel enough guilt for not being able to.

My friend has gotten into a rather icky spot.  After posting a rather judgemental status online, his girlfriend posted a laundry list how he's a terrible boyfriend.  I will not go into much detail, however I have learned that context gets lost so easily online with such things.  I'm not saying either are right as I do not know and will probably never know the whole story.  We discussed some issues he has, as he shares many of the ones I myself have.  I shared some experiences and what I myself have learned.

Frankly, I see in myself a feeling of disgust.  I feel like if I was in his situation, I would dump her.  How she said some of the things she did do not seem quite correct.  His reputation has been ruined with so many.  I see a lot of relationship sabotage here, as I'm awesome at self-sabotage myself.

It is very  interesting to see how I think about things as I gain confidence and self-respect.  I start to set boundaries on stuff I would not put up with from others, like online humiliation. 

Anyway, all of that has just made me unproductive and cross.  I am attracted to drama and chaos as that's all I knew growing up.  However, it messes with me and I don't like that a bit.  So, I've decided to limit my online presence for a bit.  I have enough drama without watching partial bits of other's. 

Don't be mistaken:  I still will visit survivor blogs and show support.  That is not what makes me cross.  I am so happy to see what other survivors post.  I get inspired, touched, supported, and educated.  I am just saying that social networking takes up time and feeds my dramatic side.

I have an ill father and grandmother, a mother in distress, a sister in need of encouragement and self-esteem building, a sister in need of stress relief and emotional release, friends and family with financial and other medical problems, a Master's degree at work, my own health and financial means, and myself to think of and to cause drama. 

Anyway, I just needed to vent.  I seem to also get frustrated in behavior of others that I myself still have.  Sabotage, insecurity, untempered idealism, low self-esteem, passive-aggressiveness, drama creation, etc. all bug me.  Though, that reasures me to some degree.  It means I am tolerating less of that in myself.  Though I must accept that in others as I cannot control how they are. 

Anyway, thanks for stopping by.  This wasn't a very informative post, but it sure helped me heaps.  Take care!  *hugs*  <3

A Cyclic Side Effect of Codependency?

I have so much to say and process.  I have had little chance to do so as I have been very busy.  I have a little free time, so here we go.  I like to divide posts up by issue as much as possible. 

Today, I would like to share a conversation that I had with an old friend that I ran into the other day.  She needed to vent about her boyfriend's mother.  As she talked about different things this mother does, it made me think of some rather severe codependency.  Mentioning that, she agreed and we discussed codependency a bit as well.

Anyway, one thing she mentioned was that this lady would avoid discussions and debates.  She only talks about family and what various people do and such, including people the other party does not know.  So, people would think, so what? 

Now, I know that codependents dislike conflict.  I sure do.  However, I never thought about how talking about people and little events and such was a means of me avoiding the conflict of a discussion or debate.  I do talk about such things a lot.  I only have debates and such with very few people. 

Anyway, one thing I have noticed for myself is feeling as though people don't listen to me.  When I talk about something that happened to myself or someone else, people seem to commonly change the topic as though I said nothing at all.  Sometimes when people are talking about some event or something, I will bring up a past related experience, as I figure that's what one does in conversations.  Such a response commonly gets ignored.

So, I wonder, is me bringing up 'safe' exchanges like that boring and/or irrelevant to others another part of my codependency?  I know everyone says such things but most of my talking is just that.  I brought up this being cyclic because feeling ignored just seems to make me feel worse and want more attention.  Since I'm so careful what I bring up, I just say more safe stuff and end up feeling more ignored.

So, the question is, could this be valid?  Part of me says maybe.  Another part of me says that I also just bring up random things that others just may not be all that concerned with.  And there are people who will listen to my 'safe' statements.  So, perhaps I'm just around some folks that just are not interested in what I have to say? 

I also wonder if people have an idealistic way of looking at how people should talk.  One of the best listeners I know is a very 'live and let live' kind of person.  So, perhaps since there's no preconceived notion in what I should be talking about, I get listened to and responded to.

Anyway, I just wanted to throw this out there as it's been on my mind.  Take care!  *hugs*  <3