Fluctuations

I feel a bit topsy-turvy right now.  In some ways I have been working on taking care of myself and to keep focused on improvement of myself.

Last week, I consciously admitted to myself that my dad is an alcoholic.  For me, this is quite an event.  I feel that I have come to a point where my mind was ready to admit that.  So many signs were there in regards to his behavior and health.  More recently, I knew he had a 'drinking problem' but I did not see that as alcoholism.  I kept clinging to the idea that a person had to be drunk all the time and hide bottles in odd places to be an alcoholic.

This 'revelation', which seems to be only a recent revelation to me, has had a huge impact on me.  It flares up my codependent thinking patterns.  I so badly want to fix everything for everyone involved.  I feel guilt as I feel if I was a better daughter, maybe he wouldn't be this way.  It also brings out a lot of black/white thinking I still appear to have.  It seems difficult for me to grasp that people can do good and bad things.

Also, I feel like I have been going through a teenage rebellion of sorts.  Growing up, I did not have time or a desire to socialize with other teens or rebel in any way.  I was so focused on making our family look good and taking care of others.  I used to feel rather cocky that I skipped that 'foolish teen nonsense'.  Now I see that while it may have been delayed, I'm going to have to go through it.  It seems like I am thinking about the things that teens may think about as they mature.  Who they are, what they want, what they believe, etc.  It's like as codependency has less of a grip on me, I am maturing and learning about myself.  I still have a long way to go but I can definitely see progress.

So, though I am emotional now and feel a lot of hurt in me, I am learning to embrace this time.  I am changing and growing and releasing a lot of repressed emotion and pain.  The progress I have made so far has prepared me for this time.

Thank you all for reading and leaving your kind and supportive words in the comments!  You sharing your experiences helps and encourages me a great deal.  I feel lucky that I can share to others here that I cannot so easily do with those in front of me.  I also thank you all for encouraging me to try CODA.  It has been just wonderful so far and I look forward to every Tuesday.  I resisted the idea of a 12 step program for a long time, not wanting to admit that I myself needed recovery.  It looks like Al-Anon and ACOA may also be good options for me but I only have so much time during the week.  My codependency seems to be a strong force that stems from my past and I'd prefer to deal with that.  Plus, my CODA group is awesome and very friendly.

Oh, some tidbits to share:

1) I recently got An Adult Child's Guide to What's 'Normal' in the mail.  'Normal' in this case is emotionally healthy.  It discusses boundaries, healthy love, and how to deal with various things like emotions, stress, and loneliness.  It looks rather helpful.

2) I heard a bus driver analogy recently.  It was described like this:  you are your own bus driver.  You choose where you stop and for how long.  You can stay for a few minutes, overnight, or head home.  I just thought it was neat and something I need to remind myself when people complain about how I spend my own time.

Anyway, I should sleep.  Have a good night all!  *hugs*  <3

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CODA - Meeting Four

Well today was my fourth meeting with my women's Codependents Anonymous group.  I really looked forward to this meeting as I had a nasty bit of codependent behavior crop up as of late.  Today's meeting was about boundaries.

I shared about my recent behavior which is really a pattern.  Instead of disappointing others by being assertive and enforcing a boundary, I withdraw into myself and avoid them.  Not only do I get guilt from 'disappointing' them, but also for avoiding them.  I then feel certain that they will now reject me for this behavior, though I act this way to prevent rejection.  Eventually I stop withdrawing and then feel better when I feel I've gained their approval back.  I have noticed this behavior for at least a few months now.  It's quite difficult to stop as I fear angering and disappointing others SO much.  However, I know I am hurting not only myself but others with such behavior.

It was not easy to share that at the meeting.  I felt a pang of worry that people would think worse of me.  I reminded myself that no matter where everyone was in recovery, we could all relate to feeling like I do.  Also, while avoiding others can be painful to others, I am not intentionally hurting others.  I also got encouragement after the meeting.  Gosh, I get a lot of encouragement and support from these women.  I wish I wasn't so shy as that makes it difficult for me to do the same.  I am going to work on being more friendly and encouraging towards others.

On and on a related note, I read an article about codependents and anger.  It suggested three ways to prevent unnecessary anger related to codependency and being defensive.  One of the ways was to reframe what was happening and if people really were trying to attack you.  Another way was to detach from the situation and view it as though you are on a balcony.  So, today I have been asking myself throughout the day how I feel.  If I notice a negative feeling, I think about why that is and if it is really necessary.  I guess I will see how that goes.