Finding Joy

For most of my life, I have not felt much in the way of emotion.  Expression of emotion consisted of fits of anger or crying.  I never thought that I had control over my own feelings, reactions, and outlook.  The world seemed pretty black or pretty white.  Even so, I always had a tiny voice inside telling me not to give up and that everything was going to be ok.

As I learn about what I can and cannot control, as well as the world's grayness, I have been able to discover joy.  As such, that little voice has gotten stronger.  It is strong enough that I can say those things myself.  Even with things that I never believed I could get through, I can now stand ready to weather whatever pain and suffering I may have in store.  It does not mean it is easy for me, but that I can bear it.

I have found joy in a number of ways:
+  Taking walks.  No matter where you live, be it a busy city or out in the boonies, there is a world to explore.  You can discover many joyous things by looking around as you walk.  That said, take out those earphones and put away that cell phone.  Whether it is birds chirping or children playing, there are also lots of sounds to take in.  Don't neglect the other senses either.  Pay attention to how your body feels as you walk or taste the local food.

+  Listening to music.  The variety of music one has access to in this day and age is astounding.  Through its instrumentals and/or voice, music can be so moving.  It can cause smiles, singing, and/or dancing.  While a catchy harmony is great, inspiring lyrics can really make me smile.

+  Other activities.  Walking is hardly the only activity that can be enjoyable.  Dancing, biking, running, yoga, gardening, skating, etc. are all great ways to move.  The increase in blood flow and endorphins, the moving of your muscles, etc. not only benefit your body but your mind.

+  Animals.  Be it a cat, dog, fish, bird, snake, horse, eagle, etc., animals can bring such joy.  Whether for companionship, observation, etc., animals are also stress-relieving, a major factor in one's feelings of joy.  They can make you laugh, move, think, or inspire you with their beauty and sense of peace.

+  Conversations.  It can be a stirring political discussion or a simple exchange about the weather.  Reaching out and connecting to others, be it in real life or online, can be very enjoyable.  Learning about viewpoints, sharing a joke, or finding forgiveness can all happen during conversations.


Those are just some ways that I have found joy.  Now for what gives me joy:
+  People give me joy.  Interesting conversations, hugs, smiles, all of these things and more I get from people.  Much of what I have learned in life was not from books but people.  They may not be perfect but that's what makes them interesting and lovable.  Not only am I blessed with loving people in my life, but I have a great boss, fun coworkers, and a whole variety of interesting acquaintances.

+ I love animals.  I grew up on a farm with dogs, cats, and cows.  Plus, there was a lot of wildlife around:  deer, rabbits, birds, coyotes, wolves, badgers, skunks, raccoons, turtles, fish, beavers, etc.  Now I am living with a cat of my roommates'.  He has made me a cat lover for sure.  Even though he's getting older, he's still as playful and curious as a kitten.  He always seems to be able to tell when someone is sad and gives them attention.  He has his mischievous moments too, like when he raids my underwear drawer or jumps on me when I'm on the toilet.  I also live close to the country so I can still enjoy wildlife.  I love taking pictures or just observing them.  Bunnies, squirrels, and birds hang out near where I work.  The janitors feed them popcorn and they are just so fun to watch.

+  Activities!  I enjoy taking long walks (always have, even when little), bike riding, dancing (esp. ballroom), hiking, camping, gardening, and geocaching.  I marvel at how my body moves and how lucky I am to not be in pain.  I have many friends who are in pain, either from injuries or age.  I feel very blessed and intend to take care of my body the best I can.

+  Food and cooking.  I love to cook!  It's my main way to be creative.  I love making food that people enjoy and I love the challenge of making something frugal, healthy, and tasty.  I commonly give food away as gifts.  Though I'm not a vegetarian, meat really isn't what I enjoy about food.  I adore cheese, vegetables, fruit, pasta, yogurt, chocolate milk, honey, peanut butter, nuts, and seafood.  Pasta salad is one of my favorite foods.  I also love deviled eggs, cheesecake, coffee, tea, etc.  I love brussel sprouts and oranges (not together).  Goodness, I could go on for way too long. 

+  Ideas.  I love how people have such varied ideas and viewpoints.  I enjoy discussing them.  I really enjoy how my ideas on life and the world are coming together to a central theme.  How responsibility, liberty, love, community, self-reliance, independence, frugality, respect, and peace can all intertwine.  I love learning about others and how my mind changes as I learn more.

+ Plants. I have oodles of houseplants.  Most of which I rescued from the boulevard during Cleanup Week.  Pothos, spiders, Christmas cacti, etc.  I love trees and grass and flowers.  I especially adore pines, they are so beautiful in these state forests.  I love how stubbornly little grasses and weeds will spring up from the cracks in parking lots and sidewalks.  I love flowers that smell good like roses, lilies of the valley, peonies, and lilacs.  The last three all grow here where I live (one of my roomies is allergic to roses).  I love vegetable and herb gardens.  How beauty and function come together.  I love that you can grow potatoes in a trash can.  I love moss and ferns.  I love Christmas trees and bouquets, though it makes me sad that they are dying.

+  Weather.  I love storms.  It was amazing to watch them roll along the prairie.  They thrill me and scare me at the same time.  Tornadoes and hurricanes scare me but fascinate me.  I love rain; it helps plants and crops grow.  It makes the pastures green for cows.  I love to walk in the rain.  I have always wanted someone to kiss me in the rain.  I love sunny days.  The feeling of the sun on my face is one that I never want to forget.  I love how brilliant blue the sky can be.  I love clouds and all their different types.  I love snow.  Walking in snow is fun too.  I love snowshoeing, snowmen, snowbanks, snow angels,  and snowball fights.  I love being in the cold but all cuddly warm with good boots, my bomber hat, and mittens.  I love learning about the weather and being at peace knowing I can't control it.

+  The stars!  Oh goodness, when I lived in the country, I could see billions of them.  I love the constellations and the stories behind them.  I love this strange feeling I get when looking at them.  I have this urge to be up among the stars.  I've always had that feeling.  When I came to the city for college, I felt soooo homesick.  Seeing those three tiny stars (one may have been a planet) as I sat on the curb outside my dorm gave me so much comfort.  Every time I go out in the country, I hope and pray for a clear night.  The view always takes my breath away.  In the winter, I love walking home at night with Orion above me.  I feel like he's protecting me.  Oh, and the moon and planets!  The moon is so beautiful in each phase.  And it's funny how the sun is just a star that warms my face during the day.  Saturn is my favorite planet.  I love its rings.

+  The simple things.  I love hot showers, warm clothes from the dryer, fresh baked bread, a hot cup, and new socks.  I love smiles and hugs.  I love when a good song suddenly pops up on the radio, when I find something lost while cleaning, when it's warm enough for my long flowing skirts.  I love having a comfy bed and comfy shoes.  I love realizing that I don't fit many people's idea of how I should be.  I love the discovery that I can be ok with that. 


I love that when I started writing this, I felt like crap and had been crying and now feel happy.  Everything I mentioned, plus much more, is where I find joy.  I wish you the best in finding your's.


<3

Moving Ahead

Now that I have shared some of my struggles and reflected upon them, I feel I can move forward being positive.  Thank you for your kindness and hugs! 

I feel I should post my upcoming plans for improvement.  I see now that I have more work to do regarding my inner child, anger, and assertiveness.  So, while I have more work in those areas, I feel like I have entered a new stage.  I feel much more determined to get my life together.  I want to be organized, detached, positive, and healthy.  I feel as though I am taking more responsibility for myself.  I'm guessing I have matured somewhat.  Also, I feel very overwhelmed but want to find a solution myself, not just blame the world for it.  I've been good at taking the initiative to do things, however, I believe I always thought of myself as a victim. 

Regardless of how people feel or act, I can totally control how I react.  I don't have to join an argument, I don't have to feel a certain way, I don't have to think negatively.  While I still feel weak in the area of assertiveness, I feel stronger than ever.  I still live in fear, but can deal with it.  The world seems to crumble under me, but I am now determined to not be defeated.

I have to go now, but will post more at a later time.


*hugs*  <3

Grief, Guilt, Anger

Thank you to all who have been popping by!  During rougher times, I have a tendency to isolate and avoid the blog world.  I also just get busy with drama and such.

I have been having some rough days as of late.  More and more things are popping up that I need to attend to this next month or so.  I'm trying to keep the stress and worry at bay but with other difficult emotions surfacing, that's not easy.

So, what are my problem areas now?  Well, let's see:

- grief as a loved one from afar is dying

- codependent guilt trips

- poor assertive argument skills

- anger and sadness surfacing

- inner child struggle

- negativity

It bums me that I can list that all out in a little bullet list.  Yet, it's good that I'm aware of it all.

I haven't talked about the dying thing much, as it's difficult to and that person is extremely private online.  Yet I feel that I can say how I feel.  I feel so helpless, my codependency is driving me nuts.  I want to save them with vitamins and healthy food and determination.  So many feelings get touched off, sadness, anger, guilt, love, etc.  This person has caused a lot of the issues I have now and am working on.  They didn't intentionally and I'm not blaming them.  I have been told that I should tell them that before they die.  I don't think I want to cause such trouble.  I'm still scared of them and I feel guilty enough as it is.

Thus, I have been spiraling in guilt trips.  Of being a crappy daughter, of being a crappy big sister, of being a crappy friend....  I should be able to save people, help them be emotionally mature and happy.  I should have stood up to my parents fighting.  I should have not been scared, big sisters aren't scared.  I should take care of my friends.  That's what my codependency says.  I finally identified much of my guilt as a result of codependency.  Some of it is ridiculous, I have not been put on this earth to take care of everyone.  There are ways I can improve, reach out more, show more love, etc.  I have to get over the past and love now.  This seems difficult.

I got into a horrible fight with a friend of mine.  Old and new anger bubbled out in hateful words.  It was awful.  :(  It's like that one quote, "Sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel."  ~Author Unknown.  I have apologized but it is going to take time for their hurt feelings to heal.  This is the stuff where my negative self-talk just beats me up.  I must learn to be better at assertive talk.  I have to not let my anger get to me so much.

So, with all of these emotions, this inner child business seems to be back, though I'm sure it hasn't left.  I have kind of neglected her, the poor dear.  I have been comforting her when I get upset, I'm not sure what else to do.

Over the last month, I have truly realized how negative I have become.  I never even notice what slips out.  I still end up dealing with abusive people and I let that get to me.  I am still codependent with various people.  In some ways, I feel like a fraud here, like everyone has gotten away from all bad and are now healing.  Anyway, I need to focus back on the positive.  I know I can change this.  

Here are some anger quotes I found online.  These are good reminders for me and maybe others.

- Life is too short to hold a grudge, also too long.  ~Robert Brault

- He who angers you conquers you.  ~Elizabeth Kenny

- Anger ventilated often hurries toward forgiveness; and concealed often hardens into revenge.  ~Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

- Get mad, then get over it.  ~Colin Powell

- Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.  ~Malachy McCourt

- Take no revenge that you have not pondered beneath a starry sky, or on a canyon overlook, or to the lapping of waves and the mewing of a distant gull.  ~Robert Brault    

- If you're angry at a loved one, hug that person.  And mean it.  You may not want to hug - which is all the more reason to do so.  It's hard to stay angry when someone shows they love you, and that's precisely what happens when we hug each other.  ~Walter Anderson

- I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.  ~Author Unknown

- The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk.  ~Jacqueline Schiff

    

Laughter and Tears

Ok, I know I only wrote a post a few minutes ago.  However, I have to get this out.

Today I read this on Sarah's blog about laughter.  Goodness, did this ever trigger something in me.  I had tears in my eyes after reading it and now I do again as I post this.  Outside of a few belly laughs with my sisters over something really silly, I never really laughed or smiled when I was younger.  I remember someone in junior high asking why I never laughed.  I think I just shrugged my shoulders at their question.  It is easier now to laugh.  Recently, I have realized just how much I giggle and chuckle about what goes on around me and even when things go badly.  Though I don't laugh very loud most of the time.  I feel like I muted myself, like I was only supposed to laugh if others think it is funny.

Now on to tears.  Goodness, I didn't have much of a problem with that.  I got labeled a crybaby at school and it was yet another thing to single me out.  I was terribly sensitive then, and still am.  I wanted to be accepted and liked so much by the other kids.  In order to get them to like me, I would have had to disown some of my own qualities.  I already felt repressed enough at home so I didn't do that.  Though I did go deeper into my shell.  I have also had other reactions to me crying.  Anger and guilt are the main ones.  I used to feel ashamed of crying, especially in front of men.  I felt it was an unacceptable sign of weakness.  Since what I do and what I am interested in are something with more men, I felt like I had to prove strength.  Also, others around me were codependent and felt to blame for my tears.

It's funny, I always thought I was an emotional person.  However, I think I just acted emotionally.  I repressed a lot of anger, sadness, hopelessness, and fear.  Now, when I cry, I feel the pain pour out.  Now, when I laugh, I feel joy.  I feel all of this stronger than ever.  It can be overwhelming, but it is easier than living with repressed emotions stirring within.

To Feel Worthy

This is a response to a challenge on this website.  I encourage you to check out what others have shared.

With a recent blowup regarding insecurity, a shift has taken place in my thinking.  The idea that the only way I will get security in myself is by changing my self-image into something more positive seems to have finally sunk in.  I cannot do a thing about how others see me.  I truly don't want to. 

So today, as I was walking home, I thought more about how I view myself and self love.  A few months back, I remember laying on my bed, wondering how I could ever love myself.  This was months after I read online and in books about the importance of loving yourself.  I knew I had to.  I realized that I could not truly love others until I did.  I knew that such love would wash away the anger and resentment I feel about not being accepted by others.  Yet, I was at a lost as to how I could ever love myself.

I took baby steps.  I worked on thinking more positively.  Not just about me, but also about other people and situations.  I thought about what I liked about me.  I tried to find a positive side to what I didn't like about me.  I looked at myself naked in the mirror before and after showers.  I tried to make more decisions based on how I felt rather than how someone else felt.  I decided to change my lifestyle for my own health, not just to be prettier or whatever.  I decided to like what I already liked about me, even if others thought it was weird or odd.

Slowly, it all seems to help.  Have I accomplished all of this totally?  NO!  I still have my bad times.  Sometimes they last a few minutes, maybe a few hours.  The difference is that I now bring myself up by being kind to myself.  While I appreciate support, I am slowly stopping the search for a shoulder to cry on.  I'm crying on my own shoulder.  I'm complimenting myself.  I got myself some of these as a birthday gift. 

I still struggle.  I still get upset with myself.  I have a lot of negative self-talk to conquer.  My awareness of my codependency and other issues makes it easy to beat myself up.  However, I can love myself.  It is possible.  Right now.  With my issues, my problems, my immaturity, my codependency, my emotions, my fears.  As I am right now, I am lovable.  To actually feel that as being true just blows me away.

Can't You Just Adore Her?

This morning, I was listening to Mandy Moore's song, Can't You Just Adore Her.  It got me thinking about my need to feel accepted and loved.  As always, when I turn a love song toward myself, it makes me think more about my behavior.  Why can I just adore myself?  Yes, I do need to change how I react and how I treat myself and others.  But why can't I just enjoy the rest of myself?  I've been thinking as of late about some current events.  I've pegged a lot of it down to a negative self-image.  I seem to project this on to other people.  I will have to post more about this and some material I found.

I have been having some hectic days as of late.  I may not seem very active.  I do read and I'm about.  I'm thinking of you all!  Have a good week!  *hugs*  <3

P.S.  Ok, I can't help it.  I found this link a couple of days ago.  It discusses an interesting pattern of how jealousy results from insecurity and can result in an attempt to control others.  It discusses false beliefs and negative self-image as reasons for jealousy (and in some cases anger).