Some Thoughts...

I have been stirring up quite a bit as of late. I have been pushing on my assertiveness with others. I have worked on conflict resolution with others. I have dealt with more pain and anger from a previous relationship. I have been exploring intimacy and other related issues. I have pondered more on fears and anxieties I have held on to for as long as I can remember.

I have been told that my maturity is closer to a teen now; less tantrums, more self-discovery, a different sort of confusion. Some child-like tendencies still exist, but I can see improvement. Awareness and understanding are slowly seeping in, taking over the fear. The fear is still there, of abandonment and worthlessness.

I seem to still have difficulty with traits of my own that differ from others. I am realizing more and more that such thinking is mine, not what others think. Not everyone dislikes me for being different, I dislike me for that. I am realizing how many words I am putting into other's mouths.

Finally, I would like to thank those who have been so supportive and encouraging! I realize people are busy with their own lives and with healing.    Take care all!  <3

The Child Within

Oh, oh, oh, a very deep and huge scab has been picked away on my mental well-being. This week, we had a holiday and I watched some kids with a friend of mine. I'm not a mother and am not used to being around kids.

As of late with my attempt at positivity, I have felt that this inner child stuff had settled with me a bit. I did not feel an internal conflict like I have been and figured maybe some integration had taken place. Well, was I ever wrong!

The girls made some snotty comments about me and I was transported back to being little. I am shy as it is so I already was going to be quiet and self-conscious. But such remarks uprooted somewhat forgotten feelings of my youth. Never fitting in, just to be an ugly duckling. My whole life I felt I needed to change. No one likes shy, quiet people. I can't run, I can't throw. I don't have the newest toys and gadgets. I wasn't as funny and charming. I was heavy and greasy. The crappy little bookworm that was only wanted to weasel homework out of. I cry as I write this, because I still feel rather raw.

Anyway, some of the reason I was so quiet and shy was that was how I was supposed to be. I wasn't supposed to babble or mess anything up. I was to fear adults. I was supposed to fix people and take care of them. It was like I was a little adult. I probably have more child-like tendencies now then when I was a kid.

And I felt ignored by my friend. It is like I need constant attention sometimes. I had talked later about this and realized that some of the mean comments and such were just signs of pain in the little ones. How much they were like me in some ways!

So, I learned a lot that day. I learned that I need to focus more on self-soothing and attention. I learned that I needed to heal past pain of not being accepted. I need to learn that while I want to change how I react to the world and my feelings, I do not have to change my core self. While it would be nice to be able to talk to others competently and without fear, I do not have to be as sociable and extroverted as others. I am good enough. Others see it, I must as well.

Oh and a final thing: a friend got me watercolors! A 24 pack of them! I have done a little, oh is it ever fun! I am determined to do more very soon!

Oh and one more! A song I heard tonight that relates to my healing and self-improvement.

Despair, Apathy, Shame, Hopelessness, Et Cetera

The last couple of days has been a low point for me. I seem to be in a funk of some sort. I realize this happens to everyone at some point, but it would be nice to understand why and head feelings like this off. I know when I go back into habits of passiveness and codependency, that I get dragged down. I know that the many realizations I have made these past few months drag me down. I know emotional eating drags me down. My sense of apathy and 'letting things go' also hurts.

One thing that I think would help prevent such feelings is more positive reinforcement. When mistakes or failures occur, actively comforting oneself and supporting oneself may lessen feelings of failure. I really need to focus on the fact that I'm human and can never be 'perfect'. More emotional detachment would help, I don't need to take other people's negative emotions; I have enough of my own. I have gotten MUCH better at self-coping. When I'm down, sometimes I can say positive things to myself and make myself feel loved. For a long time I have heard about the need to love yourself. I never understood what this meant until now.

I never realized that I could think good of myself, especially at this point in my life. It is most turbulent and I am more emotional. I am also rather overweight and have become aware of how I don't take care or pride in myself. Yet, though I have not turned all of this around, I have managed to find some love of myself. That makes me feel really good.

So, now that I'm in a funk, what to do? I have read a bit about this. Here are some things that work for me.
- Accomplishing small goals: this helps build self-esteem because I can be really apathetic and feel guilt for feeling that way. It helps to remind myself that I don't have to have everything done.
- Enjoy the outdoors: walks are very soothing to me, even in the city. I lived my child and teen years in the country, where I developed my habit of taking little walks. The fresh air, bits of color I see, the various people I meet all help me feel better. I have only seen prairie and forests, no mountains or shore. I love the prairie for its openness and sweeping wind. I love the forest for its shelteredness and its stillness. I love trees and grasses and plants and animals. I love the way my heart settles from the peace I get at those places. I belong there, a feeling I never felt anywhere else.
- Music: I wonder if music influences me so much because I am so influenced by others. I do not wish to lose music's influence as it helps me invigorate and sooth me. It can sooth my heart, but not the same way nature can. I like music with stimulating harmonies or lyrics. Like art, it must stir me in some way.

Those are just some things that I can think of right now. One thing I would like to try is watercolor painting. This book got me intrigued. I have always been critical with my art skills, but I think it would be therapeutic for me.

One thing I think that harms me sometimes is being online. I think I spend too much time online, especially when down. I will visit blogs here but otherwise I am going to restrict myself a bit and see if it helps me.

I wish you all a great week and thanks for stopping by!

The Climb

This is a song I recently heard.  For me, this is the most inspirational song I have ever heard.  I can relate to it a lot.  It is a great reminder not to give up!  Enjoy!  It sounds so beautiful.

The Climb - Written By:  Alexander, J; Mabe, J.  Performed By:  Miley Cyrus

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

Whoa a oh oh

Isolation

The topic of isolation has been on my mind as of late. Some people have posted about it and I have also experienced a very strong sense of it a couple of days ago. I have a number of factors associated with isolation. For one, I am quite shy, having been so since about junior high. I do talk more now and can communicate coherently with others, though I still don't say a lot and have difficulty with lots of people and people I haven't met. My introversion also makes social events draining.

I also experience a wish for isolation when I'm quite emotional or feeling self-hatred. I can be difficult to be around and I have come to assume people don't want to be around me when I feel like that. I also get irritated by how easy I can be to read, my facial expressions have always been the main way for me to communicate emotion. Talking about my emotions was not encouraged at all. When people have been around me for a while, they seem to detect topics that hurt my feelings and such. So, I have temptation to avoid others to avoid such assumptions and reactions.

When I have become upset or have had conflict with someone, I have strong urges for isolation. I commonly visualize building a wall internally. Withdrawal is my most strong coping mechanism, second only to eating and crying. A common response to conflict for me is to not want to talk to others anymore, it only leads to trouble.

However, isolation has a price. I cannot grow in isolation. I cannot simmer in my negative emotions and self-hatred, that is quite destructive. I cannot hide from conflict. This is probably one of the most destructive things I do to myself, outside of verbal and mental abuse.