Oh my goodness, it has been almost two months since I last posted!
Oh, where shall I begin? My eyes tear up with the sudden realization that in a week it will be six months since my dad passed. This brings up quite a lot. I cannot believe so much time has passed. It makes me feel sad, a bit guilty for getting on as well as I have tried to, and miss him a lot.
I seem to be drowning in all sorts of grief. With my dad, the brutal murder of my boss (they still have not found all of him :( ), the mental degradation of my grandma, and the realization that my family and relatives are so dysfunctional.
With my grandma, I have gotten to see the more negative attributes of her personality. I have also thought so much more about the positive role she played in my life. She was a positive source of healthy love and fun in my childhood and teen years.
My family is too upset, resentful, greedy, et cetera to have healthy and necessary communication concerning various affairs that have cropped up. I guess I have always known that my family was dysfunctional, but it seems that I was still under some sort of denial spell until now. It hurts me in so many ways.
I realize now my codependency was learned from my dad. I mourn his unhappy and bitter life, one that I would have been doomed to repeat if I had not started working on my codependency.
I mourn having a physically and emotionally distant mom. I have seen positive examples of motherhood more recently and it makes it hurt even more. We talked recently; I am glad things are more civil between us now. I will have to accept that she does care somewhat and will do that the best that she can. I do feel that I need to self-mother a bit to make up for this void.
I mourn a happy childhood/teenhood. It seems that with my dad's passing, it is more 'safe' to think back. More inner child work must be done!
I wish for a happy, stable, and healthy family. However, I must accept reality. I can work on myself and be a positive influence on others.
I have thought a lot about how I act like a victim. I have also thought a lot about how I want to take personal responsibility for myself. I have been reading Dr. Wayne Dyer's Erroneous Zones. I highly recommend it!
Though things are bad now (the above stuff as well a communication breakdown between me and my youngest sister, my middle sister still not getting a decent start in life, and me being terribly overloaded), I have been having moments of happiness. I feel like I am slowly learning to be happy regardless of circumstance.
I have been neglecting my gratitude's, which seem a perfect way to end this post:
- positive changes within in the face of tragedy
- my CODA group of women
- dear friends, both online and offline
- still being alive
- for slowly getting over this nasty cold (oh how I am sick of mucus!)
- for the development of a healthy relationship with myself
