One of the most common defense mechanisms I still use is projection. Yesterday, I realized a very major projection that I have done since I was a kid. Yesterday was when I realized that I believed that I was a waste of time. Though I've tried to convince others of this, indirectly and directly, yesterday was when I consciously realized that I have been doing this for so long.
There are a number of instances and examples that should have been this clear so much sooner. I first recognized I had low self-esteem in 7th grade. I felt that it was tied to be being a shy, fat nerd and that since I couldn't change who I was, I just didn't deserve self-esteem. I have also been poor at taking care of my things, of my body, and my time. Over the last year or so, I have improved on that kind of self-care, yet I still have years of bad habits to undo. I still won't be able to undo all of the damage I have done.
So, this really isn't an earth-shattering realization. However, it does help me understand a major projection and means of self-sabotage that I have been doing. It also gives me a way to improve how I feel about myself. I can now counteract that belief of me being a waste of time (and money) by consciously giving myself what I need.
I do feel that there is a silver lining with this cloud. While I may have felt like a waste, I also did not become extravagant. I wonder if my frugal nature is partially related to this. I do not feel that this is bad. I enjoy not letting good items go to waste because they are used or need a little repair. It makes me feel good about myself and value my work more as that is what pays for what I buy. I also have learned to enjoy the simple things in life.
IK; since I came to your blog first you have changed so much. You are more open and trusting here; you become more authentic by the day; you have developed a different awareness and manage more often positiveness; hope and brighter outlook; You are doing an incredible job. Mill of hugs to you - you go girl
ReplyDeletehi IK~ i think i know what you're talking about here. for me it was that i have felt like i was a waste of space on this earth. that i didn't deserve to exist, didn't deserve love, didn't deserve an education (etc.) i think at the heart it was because i didn't feel like i was contributing anything of worth to this world. i felt so horrible if i wasn't doing something i considered "meaningful or worthwhile," yet even when i did things that felt meaningful, nothing ever felt like enough to rid myself of this feeling entirely. i'm not sure if that's where you're coming from, or if it's a similar feeling with a different source. but i think it has manifested in similar ways. like frugality. i tend to not want "too much" or "nice" things, and this i do feel proud of. but it has caused some friction in my relationship. my husband says i "deny" myself, and don't let myself "enjoy life." so i've tried to relax and let myself live a little more, and guilt free, but that can be really hard to do.
ReplyDeletei think what has helped me more than anything is to try to believe that i'm worthy in and of myself. i deserve to exist and i deserve love, just because i'm a human being on this earth. i don't have to live with the expectation that being loved, or being at all, need be conditional. if i want to contribute to the world, that's great, and i can, and do want to do that. but i'm still ok the way i am.
as are YOU! :) sending hugs and love~~~
by the way, i finally listened to your music list. all this time, i never have my computer sound on out of habit. but today i listened and i really like your choices. and that miley cyrus song was really something! i'd never heard it before. it made me think especially of paula doing her trek.
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing songs you like! made me want to make a playlist :)
Found internet today and checking in to see how you are doing. Love to you
ReplyDeleteHi IK:
ReplyDeleteThose two books by Eckhart Tolle are life alternating.. (well at least for me). A New Earth is just amazing; the insight of how we let our Pain Body or Mind/Ego hurt us..
It really puts me at ease; when I know that I can live in the Here and Now.. (yet still have goals and plan for the future); but live in the psychology of NOW.
I'm not explaining it the same way as he does..
And it is just a great sense.
I do hope you read both books Power of NOW and A New Earth. hugs.
Thanks for visiting my blog and the kind words..
I was so busy with outdoor chores and working more for months.. and did not read enough blog. I read more in the winter when home more. :)