It's funny, Katie posted this in regards to wanting to feel special. The next day, something actually happened with me that is worth noting, though it embarrasses me terribly. I felt jealousy against a child, while I am supposed to be an adult. Feeling this, I then felt angry and ashamed.
Instead of just dwelling on it, I actually started to decompose this situation. First, I observed my jealous feelings against this child. I then looked for what I was actually jealous of, which was an ability to be directly affectionate with others. This child could just chat up people so easily and just hug and tell others she missed them and just express all of this so freely. So, next I looked at why I felt I could not be this way myself. Firstly, I am just not used to being affectionate.
Secondly, and most importantly, I feel that by being affectionate, I bring people closer. The closer people are with me, the more likely it seems that I get codependent and enmeshed with them emotionally. So, by not being affectionate, I was protecting me from myself. I feel like this explains me being hesitant with having close friends. Some of it may be me being socially inept, but also it's a means of protection.
So, while things like this jealousy make me feel anger and shame, they are simply signs directing me to what needs to change. By working on detachment and assertiveness, I lose my codependent grip with others and allow myself to feel safe to pursue friendships.
Also, this illustrates all the more the sick tendency I have to treat myself as an enemy. I see more and more ways that I needlessly drag myself through the mud. However, I am also seeing ways to counteract such behavior.
Yeah the self sabotage. IK; I just love how you analysed the situation. How you weight it, and promptly have seen a way out. That is so awesome.
ReplyDeleteFor many years I avoided like hell to use my professionally well developed analytical skills for personal life!
I am so freaking proud of you. I remeber too when I just had completed my first therapy overcoming the sexual abuse by my step father which was so very old too. I was at the public pool, roughly 28 years old and watched a little girl swimming and circling around two old men. One obviously her grandpa. She laughed and giggled and dived between them etc. I couldnt believe my eyes. That is how simple, light and loving a childhood can be? Yes I was jealous too.
How and why not. We have missed so much and our inner kids certainly get jealous when we see what we didnt get.
You have learned and opened up so much since I met oyur first. I am glad to get to know you better and see your progress.
Unfortunately, I am a very jealous person. It's embarrassing at times. I am unable to have romantic relationships, or even close friendships, due to my jealousy.
ReplyDeletehi IK :)
ReplyDeletei can relate. i think you're onto some really good conclusions here about what your jealous feeling indicates. it reminds me of the book "healing the child within" have you read that? by charles whitfield?
children are automatically healthy, i think. they are in touch with their core selves. because that's what our core is. spontaneous, open, loving, in touch with feelings, affectionate, etc.
and through life, some of us grow up and learn to suppress those things. we learn codependency, to protect ourselves, to stop trusting, to hide our feelings, etc. because it wasn't ok to be our core selves.
so recovery is about learning to be the way we were as children. so it makes complete sense you would feel jealousy towards a child. it sounds like your own inner child was crying out for expression.
here's a hug for you, ik, if you want one. (((((IK)))))))
sending love your way!