As usual, when I need to write, I do not. A lot has happened as of late. In a couple of weeks, my sister's cast will be replaced with a brace and she will no longer need crutches. Right now, my father is in the hospital as they try to drain fluid from him as his diuretics have not been working. Meanwhile, I have let myself regress into old behavior but seem to be coping fairly well.
I have realized more so lately how much fear has its grip on me. Some of it is rather direct, such as a fear of my father. Some of it has been more veiled. These fears include fear of my father's illness, of my family's judgment, and how I invoke fear in others as I associate it with love. I despise fear, yet seem to seek it out, envelope myself in it.
The more I realize this, the more startled I feel. This will take time to accept and conquer.
It's been quite a while since I've felt so messed up. I am proud and glad that I have made things better for myself. However, I have fallen on my face as of late. Though, I'm taking more on and avoiding less. Fear and awkwardness have less of a grip on me, though I'm still held fast. So far, I feel a little depressed and I've been withdrawing into myself. I used to feel like this all the time, only a year at most ago. I used to feel so helpless, so scared.
Now, sadness, anger, and guilt have been getting felt and labeled. One friend has wondered if I'm finally no longer numb. I can think back to things and see the bad and feel the feelings I would have felt. I feel more in touch with my 'inner team'.
Realizing all of this just means I will be going back uphill. This post has been a lovely start. Thank you to all for your eyes and your support! <3
I'm sorry to hear you have been feeling down and withdrawing. Though it sounds like you are taking good care and are tuned into yourself. That's great! I think having one's family hurt and in the hospital would be difficult for anyone. I struggle with fear so much too. Bit by bit I am trying to find a balance between awareness of my emotions and letting them run the show.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and wishing you well! take care and hugs :)
hugs.. just the fact you know what is transpiring is called Recovery; and that the times are further apart when you allow yourself to get caught up again in fears and doing too much etc.
ReplyDeleteProgress not Perfection... !!! Sounds like you are doing Terrific...
Writing helps me so much. When I write I can fully comprehend my feelings instead of letting them go nutty inside and growing .. and getting depressed or living fear base.
I write things down; and that helps me see my thoughts clearly and I then work out a spiritual solution.. or sometimes there is not really a problem.. just a self-made one...lol on my part.. and just old thinking ..
I'm so much happier lately... not in a giddy way; but just a serene ways; the bad feelings crop up less and less; and vanish faster when they do.
I don't live in Denial of things; I just am making better choices based on seeing Reality clearer... and growing from errors.. instead of brow-beating myself. :)
xoxo
DEar One, these Up and DOwns are so very normal, yet when one stucks in there it is hard to deal with. I am thinking of you and send you all my strength.
ReplyDeleteOh my. I had no idea you were going through so much. I'm sorry I haven't been around much to support you. Please know I am always willing to listen even if I can do nothing else. Take care of yourself though these trying times.
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