A Waste of Time

One of the most common defense mechanisms I still use is projection.  Yesterday, I realized a very major projection that I have done since I was a kid.  Yesterday was when I realized that I believed that I was a waste of time.  Though I've tried to convince others of this, indirectly and directly, yesterday was when I consciously realized that I have been doing this for so long.

There are a number of instances and examples that should have been this clear so much sooner.  I first recognized I had low self-esteem in 7th grade.  I felt that it was tied to be being a shy, fat nerd and that since I couldn't change who I was, I just didn't deserve self-esteem.  I have also been poor at taking care of my things, of my body, and my time.  Over the last year or so, I have improved on that kind of self-care, yet I still have years of bad habits to undo.  I still won't be able to undo all of the damage I have done.

So, this really isn't an earth-shattering realization.  However, it does help me understand a major projection and means of self-sabotage that I have been doing.  It also gives me a way to improve how I feel about myself.  I can now counteract that belief of me being a waste of time (and money) by consciously giving myself what I need.

I do feel that there is a silver lining with this cloud.  While I may have felt like a waste, I also did not become extravagant.  I wonder if my frugal nature is partially related to this.  I do not feel that this is bad.  I enjoy not letting good items go to waste because they are used or need a little repair.  It makes me feel good about myself and value my work more as that is what pays for what I buy.  I also have learned to enjoy the simple things in life.

Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real. ~Author Unknown

As usual, when I need to write, I do not.  A lot has happened as of late.  In a couple of weeks, my sister's cast will be replaced with a brace and she will no longer need crutches.  Right now, my father is in the hospital as they try to drain fluid from him as his diuretics have not been working.  Meanwhile, I have let myself regress into old behavior but seem to be coping fairly well.

I have realized more so lately how much fear has its grip on me.  Some of it is rather direct, such as a fear of my father.  Some of it has been more veiled.  These fears include fear of my father's illness, of my family's judgment, and how I invoke fear in others as I associate it with love.  I despise fear, yet seem to seek it out, envelope myself in it.

The more I realize this, the more startled I feel.  This will take time to accept and conquer.

It's been quite a while since I've felt so messed up.  I am proud and glad that I have made things better for myself.  However, I have fallen on my face as of late.  Though, I'm taking more on and avoiding less.  Fear and awkwardness have less of a grip on me, though I'm still held fast.  So far, I feel a little depressed and I've been withdrawing into myself.  I used to feel like this all the time, only a year at most ago.  I used to feel so helpless, so scared.

Now, sadness, anger, and guilt have been getting felt and labeled.  One friend has wondered if I'm finally no longer numb.  I can think back to things and see the bad and feel the feelings I would have felt.  I feel more in touch with my 'inner team'. 

Realizing all of this just means I will be going back uphill.  This post has been a lovely start.  Thank you to all for your eyes and your support!  <3

As the Dust Settles ...

As things have quieted down, I feel like I can sit and type a spell.

I have been thinking of my blogs as of late.  As I have gotten more personal here, I feel less of a need for my second 'more personal' blog.  I also don't care for the name and identity I've taken here.  I wish I would have thought of something more adaptable.  As my little web home has become more, its title and persona are limited.

I have noticed that one way I am poor with self-care is by not taking the time to arrange or take care of my stuff and locations.  I feel that this is true here in my web home as well.  I will just have to work on it as I do with other things.

Now on to family affairs.  First, I feel that I should be a bit more open in terms of background.  Basically, my father is ill and is not expected to live long.  He was rather sick with something but now that has subsided.  However, it coincided with my sister breaking and dislocating her ankle.  As the local doctors were not knowledgable, they referred them elsewhere.  However, my father's illness was at its worst when they had to go.  Their phone died and I'm not sure what happened with the cell, but we could not reach them all last week.

So, this week, I took her down here to get properly treated.  They have been professional, timely, and very friendly.  Though there is a lack of insurance, they never made us feel like scum.  Unfortunately, some places do that.  I took on a bit more than my other sister.  I'm not going to dwell on any negatives of these past couple of weeks.

Instead, I shall compile a list of positive events:
- my family is alive and safe, though dysfunctional
- I got to spend time with my grandmother
- I got to talk to an uncle I haven't talked to in at least a decade
- people have noticed how much easier I am to socialize with
- I see what areas I still struggle in badly and how it affects others
- I haven't given up on myself
- I have helped people I love
- I have gotten a lot of support from friends and work
- I have online bloggie friends that inspire and encourage me with their posts and comments
- I see even more how I must free myself from emotional eating
- I have two functional legs (my, how we take such appendages for granted!)
- I'm learning to not dwell so much and to just live and be mindful
- I've been re-inspired by Bruce Lee
- This Bruce Lee quote fits quite well with some of the areas that I have been struggling in: 

“Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless - like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”

I have been seeing more and more how things come together.  It seems that as I struggle, more good things come along to guide me.  A major area of concern for me is my tendency to be defensive and have negative assumptions.  This stuff is what first got me realizing I needed to work through some things.  I feel rigid and helpless at times.  What Bruce Lee says about there being no limits and to be like water is incredibly soothing to me.  For me, having no limits means no irrational fear and total self-control.  To be flexible means less stress and less attempts at controlling others.

Anyway, I shall rest now.  Take care all!  *hugs*  <3

Observations

It has been a bit of an icky time for me.  My family has had some problems as of late with broken bones and illness.  I have people wanting me to go and take care of everything and fix their problems.  I have people who want more of my time.  I have people telling me to let others take care of themselves.  I feel pulled in all directions, like a piece of taffy.  You know how when you pull on taffy, it gets long and stringy?  Well, this is the most stringy I've been, or at least it sure feels that way.

I can't say, do, or think anything to please anyone.  I'm irritated and restless, depressed and angry.  I'm scared of people, scared of upsetting and disappointing them.  My PMS/PMDD has been raging into my period, for whatever reason.  I'm tired of crying, tired of moving, tired of trying to converse.  I feel as though I should just hibernate as I just get more stressed and stress others out.

Whew, that felt good.  I needed to get some of that out.  I'm really glad I have the music I do on this blog, it helps me.

Now for some positive.  Even with the arguing, crying, and everything else, I still have good moments now.  Things that make me smile:
- babies and little kids (A friend's little boy is just so funny to see and hear about.  I met a little girl yesterday that had just a tish of a Southern accent and called her mom Ma'am.  It was too cute to hear her talk.  And a girl I am getting to know seems to be how I would have been when I was little.  She's active and fun, wears jeans, skirts, scarves, and doesn't give a hoot to what people think of her.  Gosh, I hope that keeps on for her.  I'm going to be as supportive and encouraging as I can to her.)
- Flowers!  Peonies and lilacs have been blooming.  We have some pink peonies right by the door of where I work.  I like to smell them when I come and go.
- Music!  I like to listen to bands like Yes, Chicago, Kansas, Boston, Rolling Stones, Beatles, etc.  There are so many songs and artists I like.  Seriously, my music list is just what I needed now.
- I've been trying to eat healthy though I'm emotional right now.  I like veggies and fish a lot.  And I have to have my coffee and tea, though I've been drinking too much coffee again.  It's not good to binge but there is worse and more expensive things I could be doing.

Anyway, I have something to do so I'm cutting this short.  It helped a lot.  Take care!  *hugs*  <3

Healthy and Unhealthy Ways to Raise Serotonin

Serotonin, as you may know, is a chemical that impacts our sleeping, eating, and emotional patterns.  Levels of serotonin are commonly altered by anti-depressants.

I myself have been reading up on serotonin as carbohydrates increase such levels.  I am concerned that eating less carbohydrates would deprive me of serotonin.

Today, I found this PDF that gives examples of unhealthy and healthy ways to increase serotonin.  I found it rather fascinating as isolation, procrastination, obsessive thinking, anger, and crying can all increase serotonin.  Perhaps, that may explain partially why I and others exhibit such behavior at times.

However, exercise, boundary-setting, full lighting, and reducing caffeine can all healthily increase serotonin.  To me, this suggests a greater reason to practice healthy living.

Anyway, I just wanted to share!  Take care all!  *hugs*  <3

Crying in the Dark

Just a few moments ago, crying in the dark was just what I was doing.  It's funny, when I need to write/share the most, that's when I don't feel like blogging.  I have been on a rollercoaster of stress and PMDD.  Now is the time to slow this rollercoaster down a little.

As I draw near my period, depressing and negative thoughts and behaviors overwhelm me.  This worsens during times of stress and drama.  A quiet desperation suffocates me and a restlessness to uproot and renew occurs.  I cry often, for no or very minor reasons.  Anger and irritation are common companions during this time.  People wonder what gets into me and I personally wonder if I am truly going insane.

Then, my period occurs, and outside of some possibly severe cramping, everything calms down.  Positive thoughts and laughter come back.  I remember that I love life.  I pick up my issues and goals right where I left them.

I've learned that I can make these symptoms go away if I stay positive and decrease stress and drama.  So, it's frustrating to me that this returns.  At least I am aware.  I've read a lot about stress management, yet seem to stress in successfully doing it.  Though, I may not get to that until I detach better from others.  Other people's stress is what gets to me.  Not to say I don't have enough of my own.

Well, I am glad I wrote this.  I feel better and more ready for sleep.  Goodnight all!  *hugs*  <3

An Unexpected Mirror

As I said before my 'Life is Good' post, a friend of mine was having some relationship issues.  Well, a break-up has resulted.  From my limited observations, I would say it is due to unresolved issues in both parties due to past abuse.  This makes my heart heavy, as they had a lovely connection otherwise.

I know both parties and have talked about some issue stuff before with them.  I still have not spoken to one of them about this recent event, I'm not sure they want to and I refuse to push people into talking.  So, the one I have talked to, does seem to understand what issues that person may have.  The other person seems oblivious or in denial.

Now, I may be wrong in my observations.  Knowing that abuse was a part of their lives and seeing behavior quite similar to my own, I feel I may be correct. 

This event is a mirror for me in a number of ways:
- similar issues I am aware of in myself:
   - insecurity/low self-esteem
   - extreme idealism
   - anger issues
   - self-sabotage and relationship sabotage
   - codependency
   - passivity
   - passive-aggressive behavior
- issues that were more prevalent before:
   - the above, but more severe
   - denial of issues
   - believing issues should be fixed instantly

Here is what has made me the most frustrated and/or disgusted:
- passive-aggressive behavior
- sabotage
- idealism

It seems that what annoys us the most, represents us the best.  While I feel I have made some progress with self-esteem, assertiveness, codependency, and emotion expression, I struggle more with passive-aggressiveness, sabotage, and idealism.  The passive-aggressiveness is the least of those but I do believe it is still present.  I will need to observe myself more to see. 

I have decided that instead of getting frustrated at others, I should look at this mirror as an opportunity to focus on myself.  This whole dramatic event has opened my eyes to far more than above.  For instance:
- I am still very attracted to drama and chaos
- I need to remember that I must not judge others
   - esp. with issues, once upon a time, I did not believe I had issues either
- I take how people similar to me being treated poorly as an attack on me
- I seem to still believe in keeping poor treatment by others secret like it was during my childhood

So, in some ways this mirror depresses me as I feel like I have been doing poorly.  However, I must remember that I have been improving with other things.  My self-esteem is getting better.  My recovery from icky spells is increasing in speed.  I seem to also recognize when I need to let out emotions and stress.  This past week, I have been letting out repressed stress from this prior semester and grief related to a younger me.  I am also becoming more aware and in control of myself, which is important on its own.

Well, I'm going to sleep.  Take care all!  *hugs*  <3