Who I Am Versus Who I Should Be Versus Who I Want To Be

I wanted to post this as it means something to me. Today I have struggled with comparing myself to others. Now mind you, I don't positively compare, I only see what I lack. This also brings up a lot of insecurity in me. So, as I was walking home tonight, I thought more about this. I felt rather crappy about all of this and wanted to reach a point of comfort and peace, even if it wasn't totally resolved.

I got thinking about how I should do some art therapy. I started to visualize how I see myself, how I thought I was supposed to be, and what I truly wanted to be like. I would like to actually paint and share.

Anyway, I came to this conclusion. Now, I don't know if this was what I felt when I was younger but it may explain some things. By some odd event, some men's magazines started arriving at my home when I was a teen. I do not mean pornography, I mean those magazines where the gals are all clothed yet sexual and they have other topics as well.

I remember becoming engrossed in these magazines, sneaking a look whenever. Not for sexual attraction, but more for curiosity. So, this was what men desired. Boys disliked me a lot growing up and this seemed like a way into their minds. Now, this did not make me dress more seductively (would never have been allowed to and was too shy to), be sexual with boys (they didn't like me, got lots of preaching against it, felt too immature for such things), or change my appearance (didn't want to spend money or time on cosmetics and such).

However, I do believe that this strong belief I have of men only wanting sex or me because of sex come from this. These women looked, acted, and dressed nothing like me. While I never acted out like them, I still seem to hold them upon some pedestal. Also, I think that I got such ideas as I believed I had nothing else to offer. What I had was so different than these women and the impression I had about their personality. I do not hate women like what is in magazines at all, they are humanly sisters of mine. Yet, I do seem to hate that I am not them.

This is so conflicting, moreso now, as I come to accept and like myself more. This seems to be a common theme, internal conflict. My awareness and self-love is violently opposing false beliefs and habits. It will be interesting to see how the awareness and self-love will conquer.

<3

Birthday Thoughts

In one week, I will be having another birthday.  Unlike many, I do not dread my birthday.  With each year, I learn more and grow, no matter what bad may happen.  Birthdays were always a big deal for my family.  It was nice to have some people be glad I was born.  I had very few friends growing up, so birthdays were more of a family affair.  So while they were depressing in that I had no friends that wanted to celebrate, it was also stressful for another reason.  A lot of cleaning had to happen due to hoarding, and us kids did a bulk of it.  Also, the fact that this cleaning had to be done caused a lot of tension and fighting, none of it from us kids as we were too busy doing the work.  We were trying to look perfect and normal to other gossipy relatives, but that didn't help.  Not all of it was bad.  My grandma made tasty and lovely cakes and we always had plenty of good food.  With company, whatever tension there was was stuffed down.  Things almost felt peaceful, though artificial.

As I have gotten older, birthdays have been more about solitude.  There are people who still care, some that don't.  Most people I know don't take birthdays very seriously.  Even with all the tension and conflict back then, I learned that birthdays were important.  So, I still see them that way.  I try to let others know that they are cared about and that I'm happy that they are alive.  There's not much worse than to realize someone wishes you didn't exist.

To finish this rather taxing post off, I would like to share some ways to celebrate yourself, regardless if it's your birthday.  I would like to do some of this on my birthday.

- Make art for yourself.  Be it paint, pencil, or clay:  create something beautiful and meaningful for you.
- Take a long, slow walk.  In general, we are all so busy and preoccupied.  No matter where you walk, you release good chemicals and take some time to enjoy existing in this world.
- Show kindness.  Smile, say hello, et cetera.  There are many ways to be kind without harming oneself or acting codependent.
- Indulge in good food. 
- Take in some different beauty.  Whether in a museum, a park, a forest, et cetera, find some beauty you don't usually see/hear/sense. 

Upcoming Carnival and ABCs

First off, I want to remind everyone that the deadline for the blog carnival is this Wednesday.  The submissions will be up this Friday.  I have gotten a lot of great submissions so far, keep them coming!

As I was reading about the twelve steps (in regards to Coda), I got curious about what atheists did.  I know a lot of atheists and so I  was looking into that.  Some people make revisions to the twelve steps and some people use Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy.  I found the ABCs model, both from REBT (RET) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy rather useful.  That Cognitive Behavioral Therapy link also has a list of how we distort our beliefs.  Another good link I just discovered here.

The ABC model seems to be a wonderful way to stop and think about the negative beliefs we commonly consult.  For example, some negative beliefs I have are that others don't care, others take me for granted, others expect me to take care of them, et cetera.  Now, these beliefs didn't come from nowhere, I learned them from prior experience and I still have experiences where such beliefs are valid.  However, there are many times when the other person does not feel that way at all.  Thus, friction and conflict occur because I make negative assumptions via my beliefs.  This all goes into idealism and passive-aggressiveness for me as well.  I know that coping.org had those pages, but now it looks like livestrong.com does not.  I liked coping.org for its simple format but hey, the info's still there.

Control....

I seem to be bombarded by the topic of control as of late.  On one hand, I feel out of control, struggling to keep a handle on things.  Emotions and other people's effect are just running me ragged.  However, I have such a need to control, myself and others.  I demand to take responsibility for all problems and mistakes.  So where does this leave me?  A big rotten mess of frustration, anger, and despair.

So, how does one conquer this, or at least make it better?  Here are some ideas I have come up with:
- Learn to accept that there are some things I have no control over.  However, I can control how I react to them.  The best means I see in doing this would be to be more mindful of my thoughts.  When I notice irritation within, find out why and what I can do to feel better about the situation.
- Learn to accept my feelings.  When they arise, let me feel them fully.  I may not be able to do that right away (at work, school, etc.), but try to find some time to do that.  Walking home would be a good time.  Get used to fully feeling anger, guilt, and saddness.  Think about what I can do to change anything or at least bring myself up.
- Learn to accept other people.  Most people are not trying to wrong me.  I have grown up learning to assume negative reactions and actions from others.  Sometimes, me assuming like that brings about those negative reactions (i.e. self-fulfilling prophesy).  Also, many people have grown up with at least some emotional abuse in their lives.  While that may not excuse their actions completely, I should be able to empathesize with others more in regards to that.  I cannot change them, only they can.  I also have to accept that others may NOT accept me.  I cannot make them do that.
- Take care of myself.  I have developed some awful habits in regards to a lack of self-esteem.  I need to decide on some rituals to take care of me.  I, along with others, will not take me seriously if I don't even have the time to take care of myself.  It may annoy others, but it's MY time, not their's. 
- Stop constant blaming of myself.  If I have some responsibility for something, take stock of it and move on.  Improve my choices, reactions, and attitudes so I cause less trouble.  Remember, life is a series of crossroads.  One does not always have to go down the same one.

If anyone else has some suggestions, I would love to hear it.  I may have do some more in-depth reading in regards to codependency.  I may find more tips there in regards to control.

Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

This month, I will be hosting the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse.  The submission deadline is Wednesday, February 17th.  The carnival will be on display Friday, February 19th.  As this month is the month of my birthday, I am suggesting birthdays as a theme.

Birthdays are a reminder of our entrance into this world.  Thus, birthdays may have an effect on abuse or the healing from such abuse.  For me, birthdays have a bittersweet impression because of this.  Additional tension and conflict during birthdays, resentment and guilt doled out, and a gratitiude for being alive are all associated to birthdays for me.

By no means is one required to submit something birthday-related.  All are welcome!  The categories for the entries are advocacy & awareness, aftermath, art therapy, healing & therapy, in-the-news, poetry and survivor stories.  To enter an entry, please visit this link!

With each carnival, there is more advocacy against child abuse.  The impact of such abuse on children, adults, and society as a whole is quite devastating.  My hope for this world is the lessening of child abuse with each generation.  I am happy to do whatever it takes to make that possible.

I am super excited to host this month and see what everyone submits!  Thank you in advance for any submissions you feel comfortable sending!

Rambles of me

A lot has flooded my mind as of late.  I feel a bit overwhelmed.  I've been struggling getting what I need done.  My mind has also been on a sense of loss I have been feeling.  I may be losing someone close to me in the next year.  Also, my tendency to push away others has been really getting to others I care about.  I feel so much anger and sadness.  I feel like withdrawing in when this happens but then I just push people away more and don't feel all that good.  But I can be so difficult to deal with. 

The more awareness I feel, the more angry I am with myself.  I can see where I struggle with detachment, assertiveness, and self-esteem.  I punish myself a lot.  My discovery of such anger and hatred of myself really surprised me.  I feel like I've been so numb most of my life.  These last few months, I woke up and now feel so much.  It's strange to feel so angry, so sad, so happy, so scared, etc.  It doesn't seem real.

I feel like in the last day or so, I have had a graduation day of sorts.  You know how teens become adults when they've graduated high school, with responsibilities of their own?  I feel like I have realized the responsibility I have over my emotions, my reactions, and my circumstances.  I feel truly weary of arguing with others and being so negative and self-sabotaging.  I can tell that I will still have my bad days and such.  But I feel like I've come to appreciate more of what I can do myself. 

I get so frustrated when I have let my emotions and well-being be impacted by others.  I feel like I have failed.  However, I see that when that happens and I become a wreck, I can recover so much faster now.  I go from being self-hating and down to self-love and encouragement.  I'm not detaching but I'm recovering faster and faster.  That goes for anger too.  I don't know if that's normal and I  know it's not the same as detaching.  However, it gives me hope.  I am gaining control, peace. 

I'm also recovering faster from anger.  I am actually letting myself feel anger and letting it go.  What angers me may not all vanish but I can get over it for the time being. 

Anyway, this got rambly.  But when I let go, I guess that is what happens. I feel better typing this out. 

Have a good night all!!!!  *hugs*  <3

The Others

Paula has posted about an exercise done in therapy that I thought was worth trying.  It's about imagining yourself at different stages of your life and bringing them all into a conference room.  You are also supposed to write 2-3 qualities about each one.

For me:

Child:  I'm terrible with my memory so I could not just pick an age to describe.  This would be before 5th grade.  I always had short hair when I was little, so my parents could easily find ticks in the summer.  *sighs*  I think that's a rather poor excuse.  I looked like a boy and got dreadfully teased about it, being called 'Melvin' by a bunch of boys in school.  Anyway, back then, I was talkative, giggly, and curious.  I liked school, farming, and being outside.

Pre-teen/early teen:  Somewhere in the 5th/6th/7th grade range, I became very shy and somber.  I went to the same school K-12 but soon had very few friends outside of my siblings.  Some of the older girls liked me but only one who was really a friend.  I told my parents I wasn't cutting my hair anymore and started growing it out.  Outside of the shyness, I'd describe myself as helpful, passive, and sweet.  I got more interested in taking long walks outside and reading.  I started burying myself in school work.

Mid/late teens:  Not much has changed.  I am pretty much how I was earlier in my teens.  No boyfriends (boys used to pick on eachother by saying I was the other guy's girlfriend) and another friend to replace the other one I lost.  I was still shy, which I think others took as me being a snob.  I was Miss Helpful and Responsible.  Miss Motherly.  I took responsibility for my laundry, a good bit of cooking, the family garden, and what cleaning I could tackle.  I was proof that one could be in public school and not get any of the social benefits of it.  I would describe myself as determined, responsible, and mature.  I took it upon myself to get into college and I was responsible for a lot of things I shouldn't have been.  I mistook my over-responsibility and seriousness for maturity.

Early twenties:  From two decades of no moving, no change, everything and everyone the same but a bit older to complete change.  I went to college, to a town I never been to except for the campus tour.  I knew a couple of other girls from another town, but no one else.  Here's a little country girl in the city for the first time, though it's not a very big city.  And a boyfriend!  A guy that flirts and wants to have coffee.  Who cares if he kind of ignores me and hurt me in a number of ways.  I had a boyfriend.  I tell you, I am still dealing with a lot of damage from that deal.  I'm glad he dumped me, I was not assertive enough to do it myself.  I'd describe myself then as passionate, eager, and needy.  That was how I recognized just how much I feared abandonment and was willing to put up with a bunch of crap to avoid it.

I'm going to stop there.  Goodness, this got long.  I don't know how interesting this all is, but this helped clear my head.  I realize that I am angry with these other mes.  For how they let themselves be treated, for how they treat themselves.  For ending up in quite a nasty pattern that I have yet to break.