A lot has flooded my mind as of late. I feel a bit overwhelmed. I've been struggling getting what I need done. My mind has also been on a sense of loss I have been feeling. I may be losing someone close to me in the next year. Also, my tendency to push away others has been really getting to others I care about. I feel so much anger and sadness. I feel like withdrawing in when this happens but then I just push people away more and don't feel all that good. But I can be so difficult to deal with.
The more awareness I feel, the more angry I am with myself. I can see where I struggle with detachment, assertiveness, and self-esteem. I punish myself a lot. My discovery of such anger and hatred of myself really surprised me. I feel like I've been so numb most of my life. These last few months, I woke up and now feel so much. It's strange to feel so angry, so sad, so happy, so scared, etc. It doesn't seem real.
I feel like in the last day or so, I have had a graduation day of sorts. You know how teens become adults when they've graduated high school, with responsibilities of their own? I feel like I have realized the responsibility I have over my emotions, my reactions, and my circumstances. I feel truly weary of arguing with others and being so negative and self-sabotaging. I can tell that I will still have my bad days and such. But I feel like I've come to appreciate more of what I can do myself.
I get so frustrated when I have let my emotions and well-being be impacted by others. I feel like I have failed. However, I see that when that happens and I become a wreck, I can recover so much faster now. I go from being self-hating and down to self-love and encouragement. I'm not detaching but I'm recovering faster and faster. That goes for anger too. I don't know if that's normal and I know it's not the same as detaching. However, it gives me hope. I am gaining control, peace.
I'm also recovering faster from anger. I am actually letting myself feel anger and letting it go. What angers me may not all vanish but I can get over it for the time being.
Anyway, this got rambly. But when I let go, I guess that is what happens. I feel better typing this out.
Have a good night all!!!! *hugs* <3
Dear Ik, you have come a long way and I find it great that you left denial behind and start feeling feelings. That is the most amazing step. That it is hard to deal with unexpected or deep emotions of any kind is just normal as denial was the way to go and dealing with feelings. That you didnt return to denial but moved ahead is all what counts. Please be kind to yourself for such a huge step. Even more so that during this period of time most of us become more difficult. Not knowing how to treat ourselves makes it more difficult for others to deal with us too. The time in between will pass. Currently it is that stage were the old pattern doesnt work efficiently anymore but had not been replaced by a new way of approach.It takes patience. You are on your way - that counts. Hugs from Florida
ReplyDeleteYour awareness of yourself is really very healthy. And I relate to having a sense of waking up from being a bit numbed by life. This is also the case for many people who have relied on drink for much of their lives and then try and live without it. It's a whole new learning path. Try an just take every day as it comes. I think of my progress in life like a spiral. I am spiralling up and sometimes I spiral back down a bit and I accept that and continue up again. All the best to you x
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