Major Internal Shifts

Oh my goodness, it has been almost two months since I last posted!

Oh, where shall I begin?  My eyes tear up with the sudden realization that in a week it will be six months since my dad passed.  This brings up quite a lot.  I cannot believe so much time has passed.  It makes me feel sad, a bit guilty for getting on as well as I have tried to, and miss him a lot.

I seem to be drowning in all sorts of grief.  With my dad, the brutal murder of my boss (they still have not found all of him :( ), the mental degradation of my grandma, and the realization that my family and relatives are so dysfunctional.

With my grandma, I have gotten to see the more negative attributes of her personality.  I have also thought so much more about the positive role she played in my life.  She was a positive source of healthy love and fun in my childhood and teen years.

My family is too upset, resentful, greedy, et cetera to have healthy and necessary communication concerning various affairs that have cropped up.  I guess I have always known that my family was dysfunctional, but it seems that I was still under some sort of denial spell until now.  It hurts me in so many ways. 

I realize now my codependency was learned from my dad.  I mourn his unhappy and bitter life, one that I would have been doomed to repeat if I had not started working on my codependency. 

I mourn having a physically and emotionally distant mom.  I have seen positive examples of motherhood more recently and it makes it hurt even more.  We talked recently; I am glad things are more civil between us now.  I will have to accept that she does care somewhat and will do that the best that she can.  I do feel that I need to self-mother a bit to make up for this void.

I mourn a happy childhood/teenhood.  It seems that with my dad's passing, it is more 'safe' to think back.  More inner child work must be done!

I wish for a happy, stable, and healthy family.  However, I must accept reality.  I can work on myself and be a positive influence on others.

I have thought a lot about how I act like a victim.  I have also thought a lot about how I want to take personal responsibility for myself.  I have been reading Dr. Wayne Dyer's Erroneous Zones.  I highly recommend it!

Though things are bad now (the above stuff as well a communication breakdown between me and my youngest sister, my middle sister still not getting a decent start in life, and me being terribly overloaded), I have been having moments of happiness.  I feel like I am slowly learning to be happy regardless of circumstance.

I have been neglecting my gratitude's, which seem a perfect way to end this post:
- positive changes within in the face of tragedy
- my CODA group of women
- dear friends, both online and offline
- still being alive
- for slowly getting over this nasty cold (oh how I am sick of mucus!)
- for the development of a healthy relationship with myself

Four Months

Today marks the fourth month since my dad passed.  That seems like a long time.

I'm not sure what to say about it.  A number of unexpected things have come out of my grief.  I remember better past abuse and witnessing the fighting between my parents.  It is as though it's ok now to remember and feel since he's gone.  Guilt regarding my sexuality and how I should have helped him and others more has also come up.  I feel bad for the physical and emotional pain he suffered in life.  I wish I could undo it and could have made life better for him.  I've realized that I never once expressed anger to him, as I was so scared of him.  I recognize the anger I feel towards him but feel unsure about what to do with it.  I am also angry that I was scared of him.

One thing that has been exposed to me with all of this adversity is how gray the world is.  It has been difficult for me to grasp.

Other adversity has come into my life as well.  My boss and mentor was murdered.  I miss him.  That has also caused a ruckus with my grief.  I am in two different stages it seems.  One sister is finally seeking help with getting her life on track.  I have been encouraging but not controlling with that.  One sister has avoided most of the responsibility.  Our relatives are being greedy, manipulative, toxic people.  My grandma's pelvis got fractured and no one told us for 3 weeks.  The only way I learned was because I tried to get in touch with her.  She is a huge part of my life and a major maternal influence.  Now that my dad passed, his siblings have taken control of everything and treat us like shit.  It makes me angry. 

Even with all of this shit, there is still good.  I have very supportive friends, here and in the 'real world'.  I am improving socially and thus have gained new friendships during this difficult time.  Though it seemed that all of my mentors have passed, I have learned that I am getting new ones.  There are two women professors that I would now say are mentors of mine.  I feel it means something that I am finding mentors of my own sex.  I am learning to feel better about myself.  Some of my inferiority has been because of my sex so I think that is also improving.  I have also learned so much about myself.  I see better all the ways I act like a victim.  I constantly seek punishment from other people.  It seems to have gotten worse.  However, I am letting go of the notion that bad things happen to me for punishment.  So perhaps I am trying to get others to punish me instead of the universe.

Gratitude List:

• my quest for self-improvement and growth
• dear loving family and friends
• my recent fall only resulted in a headache and sore neck
• the weather will be warming up soon
• I have a good working bike
• hot coffee
• my stubbornness

I'm Still Here!

Oh goodness, it's been almost two months since I last posted.

I'm still here!  I may not post or comment to other blogs, but I still read a little and have not forgotten you all out there.

I am a bit depressed.  Some of it is grief and some of it is family drama.  I have been isolating myself and feeling crappy a lot of the time.

Turbulent, upsetting times like these lend themselves to some excellent lessons.  Here is what I have learned so far:
- Much of my life has been spent feeling miserable.  However, in more recent times, I find myself seeking misery.  Life is getting better for me, yet I still feel comfortable feeling crappy.
- I make myself feel crappy by putting myself into a victim role.  I also try to control other people's reactions to me and how I do things.
- However, I do get upset about feeling crappy.  Feeling depressed and grieving upset me because it's not me that's making things bad for myself. 
- The good things in life are not always easy to come by.  If they were, I'd already have them.  It takes work and patience to heal and recover.
- I need to learn to be calmly assertive. 

I feel that I have come to a point of action.  I feel that the crappy hole I have put myself in has the purpose of showing me how unhealthy and sickening my behavior can be.  I must stop worrying about what others think and act for myself.  I want to communicate in healthy and worthy ways.  I have become so weary of all of this self-sabotaging behavior.  I make myself unhappy in so many different ways.

In some ways, realizing what changes I must make is scary and daunting.  As I  learn more about the control I have over myself and that others do not have to have power over me, I feel more hope for my growth and progress.

List of Gratitudes:
- the painful lessons I have been giving myself
- loving support from those on and off line
- the slow realization that I don't deserve to feel miserable
- the lessons and love I got from my dad in the time he was on Earth
- the slow realization that fear is just 'False Evidence Appearing Real'
- all of the challenges I have to conquer for growth and happiness

Peeking Out

I'm still here, though I've been rather silent.  I have been dealing with a lot of affairs and situations.  I am learning a lot.  I think I am now the most stressed that I have ever been.  My stomach is kind of messed up, I'm breaking out all over, and am having odd dreams.  Over time, I have been grieving a little each time.  I am sure that once things are more in order, the grief will be worse.

I try to take care of myself as I can.  I have been going to CODA as I can, which has been a great comfort.  Even though so many of us have such different situations, it amazes me that we have a lot of the same thoughts, feelings, and behavior.  The last meeting brought up inner child pain and oh how glad I was that it did!  My group had a great sharing and it reminded me to think of my inner child as this may be the time she needs me the most.

I want to lose weight and take better care of myself but it is a struggle.  I neglect myself so easily to take care of others and other problems.  I feel that this struggle time is an opportunity to change and to push me to organize myself and take care of myself and stand up for myself.

Outside of some help from some great friends, I have been working alone on most of my dad's affairs.  One sister can't help me too much and if anything, needs my help to get her life started.  The other just refuses to let this alter much of her own life.  Granted, it's her last semester and she's looking for work, but she could easily make a couple of phone calls for me or drop off paperwork without fuss.  She still takes time to go deer hunting, to go to football games, etc. and just expects me to sacrifice all. 

She insisted that her boyfriend propose, which he did, a month exactly after our dad's funeral.  I know it's her life, but it still feels like it was too soon after.  I feel bad for her fiance, as he is passive like me.  I feel she wants to set herself up with a well-to-do man that wouldn't be scary like our dad.  Again, it's her life.  However, I feel uncomfortable and that's just how it is.  I don't intend to tell her as it's her life.  If they're waiting a couple of years anyway, I just don't get why it had to be now.  She's all busy showing off and such and now I feel that I'll get even less help.  Yes, I am complaining and venting and I apologize if that offends anyone.  I do want them to be happy.  I feel bad that I am bothered by this.

A friend of mine has been talking to me about mindfulness and meditation after I shared a link about such topics.  I guess he and his wife are really into it and go to local meditation groups.  While I would love too, I'm so strained as it is for time.  However, I feel that this has been brought up to me now as a reminder to practice such things on my own and when the time is right, join such a group. 

I should share more about my grief.  Many things trigger grief and pain regarding my dad's death.  One time, some friends mentioned shivering and all I could think about was my dad being unconscious and having seizures.  It was so painful to see him go through that with no control.  Though when we took him off the machines, he stopped having seizures.  I wonder if that was a sign that he was ready.  Another time, I was grieving about his death and crying very hard.  Such crying makes breathing difficult and the sound of my difficult breathing reminded me of the sound of his last breathing.  I'm almost afraid to cry now as I hate that sound. 

All of this is so complicated as I loved, feared, pitied, and was angry with him.  I could never show my anger as I was so scared of him.  I so badly wanted us to amend and having a mature, adult, father-daughter relationship.  I feel that I grieve for that as well.  I feel like I was a bad daughter because of my codependency.  On one hand, I feel I did not do enough to help him and on the other, I isolated myself from him out of fear of him and of conflict.  I hope I can someday find peace about all of this.

My gratitudes:
- My newly-found strength in handling stress and adversity
- Another opportunity to show the amount of passion and drive I have to get things done
- Friends with knowledge and advice and a willingness to help
- A loving and kind grandmother
- Two sisters who help how they can even if it's not ideal for me
- A protective dog that guards and protects my sister from vultures and thieves
- People who believe in me
- That I believe in me
- That I have a desire for healthy change and growth
- Loving support and positive vibes of the ladies from CODA

My Dad's Passing

I do not have the time nor the energy to really share a lot here.  My father passed away on October 9th.  For the last few years, his liver has been failing him, with alcohol being a factor.  Due to the severity of his condition, we had to respect his wishes and let him go.  I chose to be with him as he died as I did not want him to die alone.  I would say one of my greatest fears is to die alone.  Though, my fear would be better described as a fear of dying without some kind of comfort from a loved one.  I told him over and over how much he was loved and thanked him for my life.  I held his hand, rubbed his shoulders and chest, and touched his face.  I probably touched him more in those fifteen minutes than I ever did my whole life.  He actually opened his eyes and looked right into mine for a bit.  I have no idea what he thought or felt.

I have not had much time for grief or mourning as his siblings are causing us trouble.  I will not go into it here but I will say that I do not understand how money and stuff can be valued over life and love.  They have been cruel in their statements and explanations of such matters hours after he passed.  They do not care about him, us, or their own mother.

However, friends, neighbors, acquaintances, some relatives, etc. have been awe-inspiring in their kindness.  Though we had a private service, many reached out to us and gave us support, food, and memorial money.  It is funny how such events can bring out such hate and greed in some and such love and compassion in others. 

We respected his wishes as much as we knew of them.  We intend to see that his siblings do not foil the rest of his wishes but we only have so much power for that.  We will get through this and hopefully our grandmother's wishes and rights will be respected.

Though he suffered a great deal these last few years, I learned much about him and came to see him as a man.  He lost his title of a perfect god by having feelings, experiences, and flaws.  Though I still have a lot of fear related to him and I never did get him to stop drinking and we never got to have the adult relationship I had hoped we would one day have, things are as they are and I  must get through it the best I can.  Over the last few days, I have recited the serenity prayer to myself as a reminder that I cannot control all but can control me.

Fluctuations

I feel a bit topsy-turvy right now.  In some ways I have been working on taking care of myself and to keep focused on improvement of myself.

Last week, I consciously admitted to myself that my dad is an alcoholic.  For me, this is quite an event.  I feel that I have come to a point where my mind was ready to admit that.  So many signs were there in regards to his behavior and health.  More recently, I knew he had a 'drinking problem' but I did not see that as alcoholism.  I kept clinging to the idea that a person had to be drunk all the time and hide bottles in odd places to be an alcoholic.

This 'revelation', which seems to be only a recent revelation to me, has had a huge impact on me.  It flares up my codependent thinking patterns.  I so badly want to fix everything for everyone involved.  I feel guilt as I feel if I was a better daughter, maybe he wouldn't be this way.  It also brings out a lot of black/white thinking I still appear to have.  It seems difficult for me to grasp that people can do good and bad things.

Also, I feel like I have been going through a teenage rebellion of sorts.  Growing up, I did not have time or a desire to socialize with other teens or rebel in any way.  I was so focused on making our family look good and taking care of others.  I used to feel rather cocky that I skipped that 'foolish teen nonsense'.  Now I see that while it may have been delayed, I'm going to have to go through it.  It seems like I am thinking about the things that teens may think about as they mature.  Who they are, what they want, what they believe, etc.  It's like as codependency has less of a grip on me, I am maturing and learning about myself.  I still have a long way to go but I can definitely see progress.

So, though I am emotional now and feel a lot of hurt in me, I am learning to embrace this time.  I am changing and growing and releasing a lot of repressed emotion and pain.  The progress I have made so far has prepared me for this time.

Thank you all for reading and leaving your kind and supportive words in the comments!  You sharing your experiences helps and encourages me a great deal.  I feel lucky that I can share to others here that I cannot so easily do with those in front of me.  I also thank you all for encouraging me to try CODA.  It has been just wonderful so far and I look forward to every Tuesday.  I resisted the idea of a 12 step program for a long time, not wanting to admit that I myself needed recovery.  It looks like Al-Anon and ACOA may also be good options for me but I only have so much time during the week.  My codependency seems to be a strong force that stems from my past and I'd prefer to deal with that.  Plus, my CODA group is awesome and very friendly.

Oh, some tidbits to share:

1) I recently got An Adult Child's Guide to What's 'Normal' in the mail.  'Normal' in this case is emotionally healthy.  It discusses boundaries, healthy love, and how to deal with various things like emotions, stress, and loneliness.  It looks rather helpful.

2) I heard a bus driver analogy recently.  It was described like this:  you are your own bus driver.  You choose where you stop and for how long.  You can stay for a few minutes, overnight, or head home.  I just thought it was neat and something I need to remind myself when people complain about how I spend my own time.

Anyway, I should sleep.  Have a good night all!  *hugs*  <3

.

CODA - Meeting Four

Well today was my fourth meeting with my women's Codependents Anonymous group.  I really looked forward to this meeting as I had a nasty bit of codependent behavior crop up as of late.  Today's meeting was about boundaries.

I shared about my recent behavior which is really a pattern.  Instead of disappointing others by being assertive and enforcing a boundary, I withdraw into myself and avoid them.  Not only do I get guilt from 'disappointing' them, but also for avoiding them.  I then feel certain that they will now reject me for this behavior, though I act this way to prevent rejection.  Eventually I stop withdrawing and then feel better when I feel I've gained their approval back.  I have noticed this behavior for at least a few months now.  It's quite difficult to stop as I fear angering and disappointing others SO much.  However, I know I am hurting not only myself but others with such behavior.

It was not easy to share that at the meeting.  I felt a pang of worry that people would think worse of me.  I reminded myself that no matter where everyone was in recovery, we could all relate to feeling like I do.  Also, while avoiding others can be painful to others, I am not intentionally hurting others.  I also got encouragement after the meeting.  Gosh, I get a lot of encouragement and support from these women.  I wish I wasn't so shy as that makes it difficult for me to do the same.  I am going to work on being more friendly and encouraging towards others.

On and on a related note, I read an article about codependents and anger.  It suggested three ways to prevent unnecessary anger related to codependency and being defensive.  One of the ways was to reframe what was happening and if people really were trying to attack you.  Another way was to detach from the situation and view it as though you are on a balcony.  So, today I have been asking myself throughout the day how I feel.  If I notice a negative feeling, I think about why that is and if it is really necessary.  I guess I will see how that goes.