Oh goodness, it's been almost two months since I last posted.
I'm still here! I may not post or comment to other blogs, but I still read a little and have not forgotten you all out there.
I am a bit depressed. Some of it is grief and some of it is family drama. I have been isolating myself and feeling crappy a lot of the time.
Turbulent, upsetting times like these lend themselves to some excellent lessons. Here is what I have learned so far:
- Much of my life has been spent feeling miserable. However, in more recent times, I find myself seeking misery. Life is getting better for me, yet I still feel comfortable feeling crappy.
- I make myself feel crappy by putting myself into a victim role. I also try to control other people's reactions to me and how I do things.
- However, I do get upset about feeling crappy. Feeling depressed and grieving upset me because it's not me that's making things bad for myself.
- The good things in life are not always easy to come by. If they were, I'd already have them. It takes work and patience to heal and recover.
- I need to learn to be calmly assertive.
I feel that I have come to a point of action. I feel that the crappy hole I have put myself in has the purpose of showing me how unhealthy and sickening my behavior can be. I must stop worrying about what others think and act for myself. I want to communicate in healthy and worthy ways. I have become so weary of all of this self-sabotaging behavior. I make myself unhappy in so many different ways.
In some ways, realizing what changes I must make is scary and daunting. As I learn more about the control I have over myself and that others do not have to have power over me, I feel more hope for my growth and progress.
List of Gratitudes:
- the painful lessons I have been giving myself
- loving support from those on and off line
- the slow realization that I don't deserve to feel miserable
- the lessons and love I got from my dad in the time he was on Earth
- the slow realization that fear is just 'False Evidence Appearing Real'
- all of the challenges I have to conquer for growth and happiness
It's good to hear from you again. Grieving is something that is a natural response to a great loss. It can lead to depression and a feeling of hopelessness. It's easy to feel unhappy post a great lost. I love your definition of FEAR. Growth and healing take time and effort. I do believe in a better tomorrow and I want this for you. Learning to love ourselves and feel we deserve happiness is sometimes a foreign idea to me, but I relive this is what God wants for each of us. Please take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear from you again. I can relate so much. Particularly that our lives were miserable and we carry on putting us in this position. It sucks and it is very hard to leave. As it is more or less the only way we know HOW to live life, we often return to this pattern, have major throwbacks etc. yet they are lessons till we focus to overcome. I love that you start to see your triggers as your treasures.... It became a wonderful calming and energizing feeling to realise how much I can and want love myself. Love to you
ReplyDeletehi IK~ boy i needed to read this today. i've started to have a hard time lately and you just articulated here so much of why. thank you for sharing how you're feeling and what you're learning. it helped me so much. i'm glad to know you, IK~ and glad you're out there in the world. i hope things feel better for you soon~ you deserve it :) hugs~~
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. Hugs
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