Four Months

Today marks the fourth month since my dad passed.  That seems like a long time.

I'm not sure what to say about it.  A number of unexpected things have come out of my grief.  I remember better past abuse and witnessing the fighting between my parents.  It is as though it's ok now to remember and feel since he's gone.  Guilt regarding my sexuality and how I should have helped him and others more has also come up.  I feel bad for the physical and emotional pain he suffered in life.  I wish I could undo it and could have made life better for him.  I've realized that I never once expressed anger to him, as I was so scared of him.  I recognize the anger I feel towards him but feel unsure about what to do with it.  I am also angry that I was scared of him.

One thing that has been exposed to me with all of this adversity is how gray the world is.  It has been difficult for me to grasp.

Other adversity has come into my life as well.  My boss and mentor was murdered.  I miss him.  That has also caused a ruckus with my grief.  I am in two different stages it seems.  One sister is finally seeking help with getting her life on track.  I have been encouraging but not controlling with that.  One sister has avoided most of the responsibility.  Our relatives are being greedy, manipulative, toxic people.  My grandma's pelvis got fractured and no one told us for 3 weeks.  The only way I learned was because I tried to get in touch with her.  She is a huge part of my life and a major maternal influence.  Now that my dad passed, his siblings have taken control of everything and treat us like shit.  It makes me angry. 

Even with all of this shit, there is still good.  I have very supportive friends, here and in the 'real world'.  I am improving socially and thus have gained new friendships during this difficult time.  Though it seemed that all of my mentors have passed, I have learned that I am getting new ones.  There are two women professors that I would now say are mentors of mine.  I feel it means something that I am finding mentors of my own sex.  I am learning to feel better about myself.  Some of my inferiority has been because of my sex so I think that is also improving.  I have also learned so much about myself.  I see better all the ways I act like a victim.  I constantly seek punishment from other people.  It seems to have gotten worse.  However, I am letting go of the notion that bad things happen to me for punishment.  So perhaps I am trying to get others to punish me instead of the universe.

Gratitude List:

• my quest for self-improvement and growth
• dear loving family and friends
• my recent fall only resulted in a headache and sore neck
• the weather will be warming up soon
• I have a good working bike
• hot coffee
• my stubbornness