I seem to be bombarded by the topic of control as of late. On one hand, I feel out of control, struggling to keep a handle on things. Emotions and other people's effect are just running me ragged. However, I have such a need to control, myself and others. I demand to take responsibility for all problems and mistakes. So where does this leave me? A big rotten mess of frustration, anger, and despair.
So, how does one conquer this, or at least make it better? Here are some ideas I have come up with:
- Learn to accept that there are some things I have no control over. However, I can control how I react to them. The best means I see in doing this would be to be more mindful of my thoughts. When I notice irritation within, find out why and what I can do to feel better about the situation.
- Learn to accept my feelings. When they arise, let me feel them fully. I may not be able to do that right away (at work, school, etc.), but try to find some time to do that. Walking home would be a good time. Get used to fully feeling anger, guilt, and saddness. Think about what I can do to change anything or at least bring myself up.
- Learn to accept other people. Most people are not trying to wrong me. I have grown up learning to assume negative reactions and actions from others. Sometimes, me assuming like that brings about those negative reactions (i.e. self-fulfilling prophesy). Also, many people have grown up with at least some emotional abuse in their lives. While that may not excuse their actions completely, I should be able to empathesize with others more in regards to that. I cannot change them, only they can. I also have to accept that others may NOT accept me. I cannot make them do that.
- Take care of myself. I have developed some awful habits in regards to a lack of self-esteem. I need to decide on some rituals to take care of me. I, along with others, will not take me seriously if I don't even have the time to take care of myself. It may annoy others, but it's MY time, not their's.
- Stop constant blaming of myself. If I have some responsibility for something, take stock of it and move on. Improve my choices, reactions, and attitudes so I cause less trouble. Remember, life is a series of crossroads. One does not always have to go down the same one.
If anyone else has some suggestions, I would love to hear it. I may have do some more in-depth reading in regards to codependency. I may find more tips there in regards to control.
Inspiring Music
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse
This month, I will be hosting the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. The submission deadline is Wednesday, February 17th. The carnival will be on display Friday, February 19th. As this month is the month of my birthday, I am suggesting birthdays as a theme.
Birthdays are a reminder of our entrance into this world. Thus, birthdays may have an effect on abuse or the healing from such abuse. For me, birthdays have a bittersweet impression because of this. Additional tension and conflict during birthdays, resentment and guilt doled out, and a gratitiude for being alive are all associated to birthdays for me.
By no means is one required to submit something birthday-related. All are welcome! The categories for the entries are advocacy & awareness, aftermath, art therapy, healing & therapy, in-the-news, poetry and survivor stories. To enter an entry, please visit this link!
With each carnival, there is more advocacy against child abuse. The impact of such abuse on children, adults, and society as a whole is quite devastating. My hope for this world is the lessening of child abuse with each generation. I am happy to do whatever it takes to make that possible.
I am super excited to host this month and see what everyone submits! Thank you in advance for any submissions you feel comfortable sending!
Birthdays are a reminder of our entrance into this world. Thus, birthdays may have an effect on abuse or the healing from such abuse. For me, birthdays have a bittersweet impression because of this. Additional tension and conflict during birthdays, resentment and guilt doled out, and a gratitiude for being alive are all associated to birthdays for me.
By no means is one required to submit something birthday-related. All are welcome! The categories for the entries are advocacy & awareness, aftermath, art therapy, healing & therapy, in-the-news, poetry and survivor stories. To enter an entry, please visit this link!
With each carnival, there is more advocacy against child abuse. The impact of such abuse on children, adults, and society as a whole is quite devastating. My hope for this world is the lessening of child abuse with each generation. I am happy to do whatever it takes to make that possible.
I am super excited to host this month and see what everyone submits! Thank you in advance for any submissions you feel comfortable sending!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Rambles of me
A lot has flooded my mind as of late. I feel a bit overwhelmed. I've been struggling getting what I need done. My mind has also been on a sense of loss I have been feeling. I may be losing someone close to me in the next year. Also, my tendency to push away others has been really getting to others I care about. I feel so much anger and sadness. I feel like withdrawing in when this happens but then I just push people away more and don't feel all that good. But I can be so difficult to deal with.
The more awareness I feel, the more angry I am with myself. I can see where I struggle with detachment, assertiveness, and self-esteem. I punish myself a lot. My discovery of such anger and hatred of myself really surprised me. I feel like I've been so numb most of my life. These last few months, I woke up and now feel so much. It's strange to feel so angry, so sad, so happy, so scared, etc. It doesn't seem real.
I feel like in the last day or so, I have had a graduation day of sorts. You know how teens become adults when they've graduated high school, with responsibilities of their own? I feel like I have realized the responsibility I have over my emotions, my reactions, and my circumstances. I feel truly weary of arguing with others and being so negative and self-sabotaging. I can tell that I will still have my bad days and such. But I feel like I've come to appreciate more of what I can do myself.
I get so frustrated when I have let my emotions and well-being be impacted by others. I feel like I have failed. However, I see that when that happens and I become a wreck, I can recover so much faster now. I go from being self-hating and down to self-love and encouragement. I'm not detaching but I'm recovering faster and faster. That goes for anger too. I don't know if that's normal and I know it's not the same as detaching. However, it gives me hope. I am gaining control, peace.
I'm also recovering faster from anger. I am actually letting myself feel anger and letting it go. What angers me may not all vanish but I can get over it for the time being.
Anyway, this got rambly. But when I let go, I guess that is what happens. I feel better typing this out.
Have a good night all!!!! *hugs* <3
The more awareness I feel, the more angry I am with myself. I can see where I struggle with detachment, assertiveness, and self-esteem. I punish myself a lot. My discovery of such anger and hatred of myself really surprised me. I feel like I've been so numb most of my life. These last few months, I woke up and now feel so much. It's strange to feel so angry, so sad, so happy, so scared, etc. It doesn't seem real.
I feel like in the last day or so, I have had a graduation day of sorts. You know how teens become adults when they've graduated high school, with responsibilities of their own? I feel like I have realized the responsibility I have over my emotions, my reactions, and my circumstances. I feel truly weary of arguing with others and being so negative and self-sabotaging. I can tell that I will still have my bad days and such. But I feel like I've come to appreciate more of what I can do myself.
I get so frustrated when I have let my emotions and well-being be impacted by others. I feel like I have failed. However, I see that when that happens and I become a wreck, I can recover so much faster now. I go from being self-hating and down to self-love and encouragement. I'm not detaching but I'm recovering faster and faster. That goes for anger too. I don't know if that's normal and I know it's not the same as detaching. However, it gives me hope. I am gaining control, peace.
I'm also recovering faster from anger. I am actually letting myself feel anger and letting it go. What angers me may not all vanish but I can get over it for the time being.
Anyway, this got rambly. But when I let go, I guess that is what happens. I feel better typing this out.
Have a good night all!!!! *hugs* <3
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
The Others
Paula has posted about an exercise done in therapy that I thought was worth trying. It's about imagining yourself at different stages of your life and bringing them all into a conference room. You are also supposed to write 2-3 qualities about each one.
For me:
Child: I'm terrible with my memory so I could not just pick an age to describe. This would be before 5th grade. I always had short hair when I was little, so my parents could easily find ticks in the summer. *sighs* I think that's a rather poor excuse. I looked like a boy and got dreadfully teased about it, being called 'Melvin' by a bunch of boys in school. Anyway, back then, I was talkative, giggly, and curious. I liked school, farming, and being outside.
Pre-teen/early teen: Somewhere in the 5th/6th/7th grade range, I became very shy and somber. I went to the same school K-12 but soon had very few friends outside of my siblings. Some of the older girls liked me but only one who was really a friend. I told my parents I wasn't cutting my hair anymore and started growing it out. Outside of the shyness, I'd describe myself as helpful, passive, and sweet. I got more interested in taking long walks outside and reading. I started burying myself in school work.
Mid/late teens: Not much has changed. I am pretty much how I was earlier in my teens. No boyfriends (boys used to pick on eachother by saying I was the other guy's girlfriend) and another friend to replace the other one I lost. I was still shy, which I think others took as me being a snob. I was Miss Helpful and Responsible. Miss Motherly. I took responsibility for my laundry, a good bit of cooking, the family garden, and what cleaning I could tackle. I was proof that one could be in public school and not get any of the social benefits of it. I would describe myself as determined, responsible, and mature. I took it upon myself to get into college and I was responsible for a lot of things I shouldn't have been. I mistook my over-responsibility and seriousness for maturity.
Early twenties: From two decades of no moving, no change, everything and everyone the same but a bit older to complete change. I went to college, to a town I never been to except for the campus tour. I knew a couple of other girls from another town, but no one else. Here's a little country girl in the city for the first time, though it's not a very big city. And a boyfriend! A guy that flirts and wants to have coffee. Who cares if he kind of ignores me and hurt me in a number of ways. I had a boyfriend. I tell you, I am still dealing with a lot of damage from that deal. I'm glad he dumped me, I was not assertive enough to do it myself. I'd describe myself then as passionate, eager, and needy. That was how I recognized just how much I feared abandonment and was willing to put up with a bunch of crap to avoid it.
I'm going to stop there. Goodness, this got long. I don't know how interesting this all is, but this helped clear my head. I realize that I am angry with these other mes. For how they let themselves be treated, for how they treat themselves. For ending up in quite a nasty pattern that I have yet to break.
For me:
Child: I'm terrible with my memory so I could not just pick an age to describe. This would be before 5th grade. I always had short hair when I was little, so my parents could easily find ticks in the summer. *sighs* I think that's a rather poor excuse. I looked like a boy and got dreadfully teased about it, being called 'Melvin' by a bunch of boys in school. Anyway, back then, I was talkative, giggly, and curious. I liked school, farming, and being outside.
Pre-teen/early teen: Somewhere in the 5th/6th/7th grade range, I became very shy and somber. I went to the same school K-12 but soon had very few friends outside of my siblings. Some of the older girls liked me but only one who was really a friend. I told my parents I wasn't cutting my hair anymore and started growing it out. Outside of the shyness, I'd describe myself as helpful, passive, and sweet. I got more interested in taking long walks outside and reading. I started burying myself in school work.
Mid/late teens: Not much has changed. I am pretty much how I was earlier in my teens. No boyfriends (boys used to pick on eachother by saying I was the other guy's girlfriend) and another friend to replace the other one I lost. I was still shy, which I think others took as me being a snob. I was Miss Helpful and Responsible. Miss Motherly. I took responsibility for my laundry, a good bit of cooking, the family garden, and what cleaning I could tackle. I was proof that one could be in public school and not get any of the social benefits of it. I would describe myself as determined, responsible, and mature. I took it upon myself to get into college and I was responsible for a lot of things I shouldn't have been. I mistook my over-responsibility and seriousness for maturity.
Early twenties: From two decades of no moving, no change, everything and everyone the same but a bit older to complete change. I went to college, to a town I never been to except for the campus tour. I knew a couple of other girls from another town, but no one else. Here's a little country girl in the city for the first time, though it's not a very big city. And a boyfriend! A guy that flirts and wants to have coffee. Who cares if he kind of ignores me and hurt me in a number of ways. I had a boyfriend. I tell you, I am still dealing with a lot of damage from that deal. I'm glad he dumped me, I was not assertive enough to do it myself. I'd describe myself then as passionate, eager, and needy. That was how I recognized just how much I feared abandonment and was willing to put up with a bunch of crap to avoid it.
I'm going to stop there. Goodness, this got long. I don't know how interesting this all is, but this helped clear my head. I realize that I am angry with these other mes. For how they let themselves be treated, for how they treat themselves. For ending up in quite a nasty pattern that I have yet to break.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Recovering...
Over the past week or so, I have had a series of events that have shaken me up rather badly. I have let myself be consumed by fear. Fear of the past, fear of people, and most of all, fear of angering people. Feeling as though I had disappointed and angered so many people lately for doing what I want or reacting in a way they didn't want, I broke down and withdrew into myself. Memories sprang up from when I was little and when I had my first romantic relationship. I was overwhelmed with so many emotions: anger, sadness, grief, shame, apathy, and FEAR. Fear has always been my shadow, but I had forgotten just how badly it affects me.
Throughout healing, I have had times of weeping and despair. Times when I say I should just give up, yet that's not what I really think. This time, however, I felt an apathy and despair about healing and such that I have never known. For days, I was hopeless. I cried so much and just did not care about myself at all.
Then, one night, something within me forced me to embrace myself. In my mind were the words, I love you. Things were going to be ok. Don't give up! The tears I were crying were now of joy. All this time of working on me, of self-care, and of finally starting to love myself had left a little part of me that didn't want to give up on me. It was like a roaring fire that had been extinguished was now lit with a itty bitty flame. That flame has grown into a steady little fire. It's not roaring yet, but it's coming back!
Usually, during less severe times, I would seek out a friend. However, I realized that whatever happiness came from that came from me making my friend happy. I wanted to start the fire myself, not to be dependent on another firestarter. That moment showed me that I can soothe myself, my own love is enough. This is very important, as for so long I have sought approval and love from others. Also, I have been tired and foggy during this time, so I haven't felt very social.
I should also note that I am getting close to my period. I believe I have PMDD. Thus, some of this can be attributed to that. I have recently learned that STRESS plays a huge role in how I feel during this time, both emotionally and physically. The last month or so has been especially stressful and so I'm sure that is also a part of this.
Thank you for the kind words I have received! I know I haven't been very active so I really appreciate the time!
Throughout healing, I have had times of weeping and despair. Times when I say I should just give up, yet that's not what I really think. This time, however, I felt an apathy and despair about healing and such that I have never known. For days, I was hopeless. I cried so much and just did not care about myself at all.
Then, one night, something within me forced me to embrace myself. In my mind were the words, I love you. Things were going to be ok. Don't give up! The tears I were crying were now of joy. All this time of working on me, of self-care, and of finally starting to love myself had left a little part of me that didn't want to give up on me. It was like a roaring fire that had been extinguished was now lit with a itty bitty flame. That flame has grown into a steady little fire. It's not roaring yet, but it's coming back!
Usually, during less severe times, I would seek out a friend. However, I realized that whatever happiness came from that came from me making my friend happy. I wanted to start the fire myself, not to be dependent on another firestarter. That moment showed me that I can soothe myself, my own love is enough. This is very important, as for so long I have sought approval and love from others. Also, I have been tired and foggy during this time, so I haven't felt very social.
I should also note that I am getting close to my period. I believe I have PMDD. Thus, some of this can be attributed to that. I have recently learned that STRESS plays a huge role in how I feel during this time, both emotionally and physically. The last month or so has been especially stressful and so I'm sure that is also a part of this.
Thank you for the kind words I have received! I know I haven't been very active so I really appreciate the time!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Drive
Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there
So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
But lately I'm beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there
Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there
~ Incubus
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there
So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
But lately I'm beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there
Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there
~ Incubus
Monday, January 11, 2010
I don't know what to call this
Roles, obligations, duties
so much fear
anger,mistrust,
guilt and shame
so many tears
flowery words
from hollow friends
disappear when needed
the most
so much fear
anger,mistrust,
guilt and shame
so many tears
flowery words
from hollow friends
disappear when needed
the most
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