Recovering...

Over the past week or so, I have had a series of events that have shaken me up rather badly.  I have let myself be consumed by fear.  Fear of the past, fear of people, and most of all, fear of angering people.  Feeling as though I had disappointed and angered so many people lately for doing what I want or reacting in a way they didn't want, I broke down and withdrew into myself.  Memories sprang up from when I was little and when I had my first romantic relationship.  I was overwhelmed with so many emotions: anger, sadness, grief, shame, apathy, and FEAR.  Fear has always been my shadow, but I had forgotten just how badly it affects me.

Throughout healing, I have had times of weeping and despair.  Times when I say I should just give up, yet that's not what I really think.  This time, however, I felt an apathy and despair about healing and such that I have never known.  For days, I was hopeless.  I cried so much and just did not care about myself at all.

Then, one night, something within me forced me to embrace myself.  In my mind were the words, I love you.  Things were going to be ok.  Don't give up!  The tears I were crying were now of joy.  All this time of working on me, of self-care, and of finally starting to love myself had left a little part of me that didn't want to give up on me.  It was like a roaring fire that had been extinguished was now lit with a itty bitty flame.  That flame has grown into a steady little fire.  It's not roaring yet, but it's coming back!

Usually, during less severe times, I would seek out a friend.  However, I realized that whatever happiness came from that came from me making my friend happy.   I wanted to start the fire myself, not to be dependent on another firestarter.  That moment showed me that I can soothe myself, my own love is enough.  This is very important, as for so long I have sought approval and love from others.  Also, I have been tired and foggy during this time, so I haven't felt very social.

I should also note that I am getting close to my period.  I believe I have PMDD.  Thus, some of this can be attributed to that.  I have recently learned that STRESS plays a huge role in how I feel during this time, both emotionally and physically.  The last month or so has been especially stressful and so I'm sure that is also a part of this.

Thank you for the kind words I have received!  I know I haven't been very active so I really appreciate the time!