Long Update and Future Topics

I have been quite busy as of late and so I'm sorry that I have not been visiting much. I think of you all often and wish you all well.

A whirlwind of healing related events has occurred that I shall share. I will not share all as some of what I've learned is rather difficult to accept and I'm not even sure if it's true. I've had to deal with quite a bit of lying in my life from those close to me so it could be false. I have heard some rather disturbing history of someone close to me in regards to human trafficking and the like. I did not hear about this from that person, so it could be painful lies to make that person sound 'bad'. I didn't even think about being lied to at first and so I felt a lot of pain and sympathy. It also seemed to fit some confusing pieces of my own life.

Anyway, hearing this has made me more curious about such horrific practices and I'd like to share more information about that here. Breaking silence about taboo topics like child abuse, incest, human trafficking, and force prostitution seems to be the first step in ending it all.

One major component that I struggle with is being positive. I grew up in a negative atmosphere where I learned it was best to assume negative and keep quiet. However, this has a rather bad impact on my life. Recently, I've become even more aware of how it can hurt others and myself. It's something that I've worked on in the past, but when I start getting negative again, it's like, oh well I ruined it. So now I'm trying to recover when I slid into negativity and also try to prevent it. It's been a bit of a struggle, and I do fall into old patterns but I think in general it's getting better. I also notice it makes me more productive and more successful if I can keep a positive attitude. This seems to be very important for my assertiveness, codependency, self-esteem, and emotional maturity issues.

Related to being positive, I have been working on loving myself. I never even thought about this idea until I started reading about it on other blogs. As I have been more forgiving and positive with myself, I can see such love forming. I have also gotten more concerned with taking care of myself. I have been exercising more, drinking more water, ridding soda pop from my diet, and eating more whole foods. I know it won't be easy and I will slip up but I have to realize I'm human and that doesn't mean I should give up. I have noticed that exercise has been giving me a new awareness of my own body and its movement. I have never noticed or appreciated the feeling of my body moving. I think I'm slowly losing shame over my body, which seems really good.

I will try to have my next post be more focused. I wish everyone a wonderful week and I will be visiting! <3

Children of Hoarders

*** Warning - May be triggering or painful

Today, I wanted to post about a website I found yesterday. I saw an ad about some show filming and humiliating a family of hoarders. I have heard about hoarding before but decided to do some more reading about it. It reminds me of what I grew up with and some of the tendencies I myself have.

Looking through this website, one part worth noting:

Along with difficulties in throwing things away, compulsive hoarders have severe difficulties making decisions, perfectionism, and avoiding tasks. People with compulsive hoarding syndrome do not like to make mistakes. To prevent making a mistake, they will avoid or postpone making decisions. Even the smallest task, such as washing dishes or checking mail may take a long time because it has to be done "right." The net result of these high standards and the fear of making a mistake is that compulsive hoarders avoid doing many tasks, because everything becomes tedious and overwhelming.

Much of this website goes into children who have lived in hoarding homes and the impact of it. However, what really stuck out for me was the explanations about the hoarders themselves. It sounds like living in a controlling and critical environment is a factor with who hoards.

I feel like I understand my mother better now, and her mother as well. I think about all the tension, fighting, and chaos caused by misunderstanding. People just thought she was lazy or didn't care, but looking back, I just think she was overwhelmed. This all makes me so sad.

As I have learned more and more about abuse and alcoholism and how these factors impact people, I feel that I understand many people so much more. Why they say what they do, why they act as they do, it slowly makes more sense.

A Quick Update

I will do another, more thorough update shortly. Thank you all for your support and kindness! I'm sorry I have not been around a lot.

I have always struggled with stress, perhaps now more than ever. I would greatly appreciate any advice on reducing stress. I've been working more on developing a routine for myself. I've considered other possible strategies but am at somewhat of a loss for how to start. I've heard a bit about meditation and yoga but know so little about either.

Anyway, any input would be appreciated!


Take care all!


<3

Love You Forever and Update

I don't know what caused it, but today I remembered a children's book that used to be popular. Specifically, I remembered a line from it: "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be." And I thought to myself, 'I want to be someone's baby!'

That feeling is still quite strong and makes me tear up. But I had to get some work done and I told myself that I can't break down now about this but it'll be ok. I visualized soothing my inner child with a banana popsicle (a childhood favorite).

Now in addition to work, I have schooling to deal with. This knitting room seems to be in complete disarray and I don't know what to do to get on the right track. Many repressed feelings and memories are spilling out. I feel like I'm in high school again, a big awkward dork. However, now I don't have that reassurance of pleasing some people in my life. I know I need to make myself happy, it has just been difficult detaching my happiness from other people's happiness.

I'm not really sure how to put my life in order but I better figure something out. Thanks to all with your kind comments! They make my day!

A Comment To Share

As I have seen done at Lily's blog, I will post a comment I posted at Paula's as I feel I should be more revealing here as I am in a comment. One final statement: Imagine how the world would be if love flowed between people as easily and freely as alcohol is consumed. Oh, and this has bee a big step for me as this topic is what I feel the most judged about, along with my weight and emotional maturity and intelligence, and well, I guess I feel about the same amount of judgment from others about all of it. Though I think most of that judgment is my own.

No matter what one believes, we are all bound by the common thread of hope, healing, and believing in ourselves. We all have our ways of seeking guidance and healing ourselves and it's just wonderful to see the diversity.

I struggle with what you mention above, especially in real life. I love hearing about what others believe in and am still on my journey of discovery for my own faith. Sometimes my interest gets portrayed as asking for guidance from others when I am simply interested. Some interpret my lack of religion as a lack of any higher power whereas others interpret my acknowledgement of a higher power as having religion. This will gain clarity as I release my fear of judgment and my self-esteem rises.

I can relate to Ms Hen's mention of love as a higher power. I believe much damage in this world has been caused by a lack of love.

An Update

I apologize for being away from here and from not visiting you all much. It has been a bit of a struggle as of late. Both the inner child and inner teen have been vying for my attention. I don't know what I could say is exclusively the inner child, it seems that the child's pain is a subset of the teen's pain.

I looked up 'inner teen' today as I had not really found much about such things. I found this which discusses how to make each inner child comfortable. I guess I had assumed that people only had one. I hadn't thought much about teens until I started my 'teenage rebellion' now. In some ways I feel like I have three, the last being my very late teens as I feel I have changed so much from then and yet I have a lot of pain and anger from that time.

That website discusses Hope's journey as a survivor and has advice about encountering and healing your inner children. She is not a medical professional, she is merely sharing what has helped her through her own struggle. I am glad that she wrote this as there seems to be a lot of ideas I never thought of. She also discusses other types of healing, such as meditation and dealing with triggers.

Another current event has been my reaction to the book 'Codependent No More'. I stopped reading it for now. I will definitely resume, I just have to do some more forgiving. I struggle a bit with self-hate and fully realizing how much codependent behavior I display made it a bit worse.

After a club meeting, I had a overflow of emotions in regards to not fitting in. It especially hurt as once upon a time I did feel like I fit in with those people, the first time I ever felt like I had a place. I have had those emotions since I was little, with family, school, and peers. I finally stopped my bike in the middle of a nearly empty parking lot, where no one would really pay attention, and cry it out. Not only did old feelings of not fitting in come out but soon I started thinking about everything that I blamed myself for. For not fitting in, for not making people happy, for not standing up for myself, for not fixing others, etc. I finally thought about forgiving myself for the past and for what I've become. It isn't all resolved, but I took my first step in really forgiving me.

I will continue on with that book and with other healing that I need to do. It's been suggested that I write down all that I hate about myself and explore that further. I think what I will do is list that out and then next to each one write about how I can improve or that it's in the past and I need to forgive and let go. You have all been so kind and supportive, I thank you all very much for that!

Reach Out I'll Be There

Song by the Four Tops

It just has such inspirational lyrics for your inner child or a friend in need!



Now if you feel that you can't go on
Because all your hope is gone
And your life is filled with confusion
And happiness is just an illusion
And your world around is tumblin' down
Darling, reach out
Reach out, for me.
I'll be there to love and comfort you...(tell me baby)
I'll be there with the love I'll see you through
Now when you're lost and about to give up
'cause your best just ain't good enough
and you feel the world has grown cold
and you're driftin' on your own
when you need a hand to hold
darling, reach out
reach out, for me.
I'll be there to love and comfort you
I'll be there with the love I'll see you through
I'll be there to love and comfort you
I'll be there to with the love I'll see you through
I can tell you the way I hang your head
Now with out of love , now you're afraid
And through your tears you look around
But there's no peace of mind to be found
I know what you're thinking
Without love, now you're alone
Baby, reach out
Reach out for me
I'll be there to love and comfort you
I'll be there with the Love I'll see you through
I'll be there to love and comfort you ...(tell me baby)
I'll be there to always see you through...(i'll be there)
I'll be there to love and comfort you
I'll be there with the love I'll see you through.