Oh, oh, oh, a very deep and huge scab has been picked away on my mental well-being. This week, we had a holiday and I watched some kids with a friend of mine. I'm not a mother and am not used to being around kids.
As of late with my attempt at positivity, I have felt that this inner child stuff had settled with me a bit. I did not feel an internal conflict like I have been and figured maybe some integration had taken place. Well, was I ever wrong!
The girls made some snotty comments about me and I was transported back to being little. I am shy as it is so I already was going to be quiet and self-conscious. But such remarks uprooted somewhat forgotten feelings of my youth. Never fitting in, just to be an ugly duckling. My whole life I felt I needed to change. No one likes shy, quiet people. I can't run, I can't throw. I don't have the newest toys and gadgets. I wasn't as funny and charming. I was heavy and greasy. The crappy little bookworm that was only wanted to weasel homework out of. I cry as I write this, because I still feel rather raw.
Anyway, some of the reason I was so quiet and shy was that was how I was supposed to be. I wasn't supposed to babble or mess anything up. I was to fear adults. I was supposed to fix people and take care of them. It was like I was a little adult. I probably have more child-like tendencies now then when I was a kid.
And I felt ignored by my friend. It is like I need constant attention sometimes. I had talked later about this and realized that some of the mean comments and such were just signs of pain in the little ones. How much they were like me in some ways!
So, I learned a lot that day. I learned that I need to focus more on self-soothing and attention. I learned that I needed to heal past pain of not being accepted. I need to learn that while I want to change how I react to the world and my feelings, I do not have to change my core self. While it would be nice to be able to talk to others competently and without fear, I do not have to be as sociable and extroverted as others. I am good enough. Others see it, I must as well.
Oh and a final thing: a friend got me watercolors! A 24 pack of them! I have done a little, oh is it ever fun! I am determined to do more very soon!
Oh and one more! A song I heard tonight that relates to my healing and self-improvement.
IK, what a post I can so relate to. I am sorry, but glad, that memories were brought up to you with this outing among children. I too naturally am shy, but I think a lot of it has to do with being put down and I just turned within. I was always considered the dumb one in school. Only realizing now, is because I just did not want to do the work. No motivation. Not that I am actually dumb.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing dear one.
((((IK)))))
Thank you for your response JBR! I do wonder if in many if shyness is a learned trait from rejection and such. It's funny, it seems like people react so differently with the same situations. With rejection and neglect, some end up shy, some end up aggressive, etc. The same holds true for the school thing. Some are just not motivated or too stressed to do the work. Others, like me, just burty ourselves into it like a security blanket. I think far too many people are made to feel dumb. There is so much potential in us if we can let go of all the negativity telling us we are crap.
ReplyDeleteBeing aware of who you are is on the road to deciding if you want to continue being this way or be someone completely different! And this is a very aware post. Pain teaches us things. You are the only one who can make you feel dumb, or shy or negative. I have learned a lot recently about my choice in reacting to bullying people or negative people. I'm working on a whole lifetimes habit so it will take time to change. We all go into our heads and tell a story of the pain we are being caused. It might not even be true. Children especially say cheeky and nasty things a lot. They think it's funny. That's how they are. They also love when adults are silly and play along. I really hear how painful this was for you and I really relate to it and I am so impressed with how you have looked at the situation and gained a deeper understanding of it. Do something lovely for yourself x
ReplyDeleteI love your new colour scheme!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the response SOD! I have been learning to accept responsibility for how I feel and how I react. I hope I can lessen my reserved vibe so I can have fun around children. I have been so serious and quiet ever since I was little so it will not be easy. I can be soooo picky about colors and so I am really pleased that I found a combination I like. I wanted orange and gold for autumn leaves but can be overwhelmed by having too much of those colors.
ReplyDeleteWow, powerful lyrics in that song. I'm so glad you're having fun with the watercolors. You so deserve it.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry this was such a painful and tearful thing to be reminded of. I always thought of myself as a completely unlikable goober. I so understand.
But, now we are adults taking responsibility for our own healing. And we ARE healing. Kudos to you!
Hey, sorry for the long comment, but would you consider submitting this post to Thursday's BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE? Details and a handy submission form link are at my blog. Thanks for considering it. We'd love to have you join us!
Thanks for your comments Marj! After some thought, I decided to submit my post.
ReplyDeletethis is the hardest process understanding the pain and embracing it so it doesnt hurt anymore
ReplyDeleteSorry for not being so "commenting" lately as I am afraid in not getting something sensible out of my chaotic mind. First of all I love the new colors and scheme of your blog. I pretend to be fine, always smiling and calm. My fear of rejection is hidden well however I recognized roughly 3 years ago that I strat to become verbally aggressive if not left alone, rejected, feeling unwanted or pushed to a position I cant agree upon yet not able to make my stand. Nearly always I removed myself out of all relations instead of removing myself out of situations! LOts to learn, to reflect and to adjust. Relearning what has been lost. Hugs to you
ReplyDeleteJIP, that is very true! It's so easy to just react from pain and not learn anything from it.
ReplyDeleteThere is no pressure to comment on my posts Paula! I write them to sort things out for myself, and if people want to comment, that's neat but not mandatory. Goodness what you mention about being verbally aggressive, feeling rejected and unwanted, and a lack of assertive I can really relate to, especially now. I am so glad you are learning. I'm sure a lot of people would give up on such intensive therapy.
I'm so glad you joined us for the carnival this month. Thanks for submitting!
ReplyDeleteKnowing our child within is a very special thing.Being with children can give us so much of what we missed.
ReplyDeleteIK, just showing up at the door of your virtual house here in blogland. With some flowers and a smile. I know I dont have to comment. However you became important to me as I can relate to your struggles. And I do appreciate so much that you are here for me during this hard time, and besides of that. I like you exactly as oyu are, how should I not want to comment and pass by with flowers. Hugs from this side of the pond
ReplyDelete