Fluctuations

I feel a bit topsy-turvy right now.  In some ways I have been working on taking care of myself and to keep focused on improvement of myself.

Last week, I consciously admitted to myself that my dad is an alcoholic.  For me, this is quite an event.  I feel that I have come to a point where my mind was ready to admit that.  So many signs were there in regards to his behavior and health.  More recently, I knew he had a 'drinking problem' but I did not see that as alcoholism.  I kept clinging to the idea that a person had to be drunk all the time and hide bottles in odd places to be an alcoholic.

This 'revelation', which seems to be only a recent revelation to me, has had a huge impact on me.  It flares up my codependent thinking patterns.  I so badly want to fix everything for everyone involved.  I feel guilt as I feel if I was a better daughter, maybe he wouldn't be this way.  It also brings out a lot of black/white thinking I still appear to have.  It seems difficult for me to grasp that people can do good and bad things.

Also, I feel like I have been going through a teenage rebellion of sorts.  Growing up, I did not have time or a desire to socialize with other teens or rebel in any way.  I was so focused on making our family look good and taking care of others.  I used to feel rather cocky that I skipped that 'foolish teen nonsense'.  Now I see that while it may have been delayed, I'm going to have to go through it.  It seems like I am thinking about the things that teens may think about as they mature.  Who they are, what they want, what they believe, etc.  It's like as codependency has less of a grip on me, I am maturing and learning about myself.  I still have a long way to go but I can definitely see progress.

So, though I am emotional now and feel a lot of hurt in me, I am learning to embrace this time.  I am changing and growing and releasing a lot of repressed emotion and pain.  The progress I have made so far has prepared me for this time.

Thank you all for reading and leaving your kind and supportive words in the comments!  You sharing your experiences helps and encourages me a great deal.  I feel lucky that I can share to others here that I cannot so easily do with those in front of me.  I also thank you all for encouraging me to try CODA.  It has been just wonderful so far and I look forward to every Tuesday.  I resisted the idea of a 12 step program for a long time, not wanting to admit that I myself needed recovery.  It looks like Al-Anon and ACOA may also be good options for me but I only have so much time during the week.  My codependency seems to be a strong force that stems from my past and I'd prefer to deal with that.  Plus, my CODA group is awesome and very friendly.

Oh, some tidbits to share:

1) I recently got An Adult Child's Guide to What's 'Normal' in the mail.  'Normal' in this case is emotionally healthy.  It discusses boundaries, healthy love, and how to deal with various things like emotions, stress, and loneliness.  It looks rather helpful.

2) I heard a bus driver analogy recently.  It was described like this:  you are your own bus driver.  You choose where you stop and for how long.  You can stay for a few minutes, overnight, or head home.  I just thought it was neat and something I need to remind myself when people complain about how I spend my own time.

Anyway, I should sleep.  Have a good night all!  *hugs*  <3

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CODA - Meeting Four

Well today was my fourth meeting with my women's Codependents Anonymous group.  I really looked forward to this meeting as I had a nasty bit of codependent behavior crop up as of late.  Today's meeting was about boundaries.

I shared about my recent behavior which is really a pattern.  Instead of disappointing others by being assertive and enforcing a boundary, I withdraw into myself and avoid them.  Not only do I get guilt from 'disappointing' them, but also for avoiding them.  I then feel certain that they will now reject me for this behavior, though I act this way to prevent rejection.  Eventually I stop withdrawing and then feel better when I feel I've gained their approval back.  I have noticed this behavior for at least a few months now.  It's quite difficult to stop as I fear angering and disappointing others SO much.  However, I know I am hurting not only myself but others with such behavior.

It was not easy to share that at the meeting.  I felt a pang of worry that people would think worse of me.  I reminded myself that no matter where everyone was in recovery, we could all relate to feeling like I do.  Also, while avoiding others can be painful to others, I am not intentionally hurting others.  I also got encouragement after the meeting.  Gosh, I get a lot of encouragement and support from these women.  I wish I wasn't so shy as that makes it difficult for me to do the same.  I am going to work on being more friendly and encouraging towards others.

On and on a related note, I read an article about codependents and anger.  It suggested three ways to prevent unnecessary anger related to codependency and being defensive.  One of the ways was to reframe what was happening and if people really were trying to attack you.  Another way was to detach from the situation and view it as though you are on a balcony.  So, today I have been asking myself throughout the day how I feel.  If I notice a negative feeling, I think about why that is and if it is really necessary.  I guess I will see how that goes.

First Time @ CODA

I finally went to  my first CODA meeting last night.  Timing has been an issue for me and I have also been procrastinating.  Though I read up on such meetings quite a bit, I was not sure what to expect.  In recent years, I have also become a lot more shy around women and this was a women's only meeting.

When I first entered the room, I got a bit intimidated by one woman staring at me.  She probably wasn't actually staring, but I felt intimidated already and so being looked at made it worse.  However, I was able to get past that and find myself a seat.  Though I noticed that one woman looking at me a lot, I found the atmosphere very friendly and welcoming.  It was interesting to be in a room of women with varied ages and lives but who had being codependent in common. 

I may have gotten looked at a bit because I was probably disheveled from riding my bike six miles on a very windy day.  I probably looked a little odd with my Gilligan's hat still on to cover up my wind hair.  Oh well, I'm just happy I made it.  I was very worried I'd be late.  Though, that seemed ok, as a few women came in later and it seemed fine.

I am not sure why, but I did not expect it to be so formal.  I had to remind myself that this was a 12-step meeting, like any other.  Introducing myself as codependent was a new thing for me, that's for sure.

After the required reading and donation basket, a member led the meeting with the topic of worry.  She read from 'The Language of Letting Go'.  After that, we were split into two groups for sharing.  I was not sure if I was going to share until someone said something that got me thinking.  I have been thinking a lot as of late about forgiving myself and how I blame myself for the mistakes and problems of others.  With this blame, comes worry that I screwed up other people, that their lives were my responsibility.  So I talked about how I realize that when I do forgive myself, I will also release a lot of worry from the past.  It was neat to see how what people shared inspired others to share.  After all the sharing, there was the CODA prayer and then it was done.

Many of the women chatted with me and encouraged me to come back.  I was also given a CODA newcomer's handbook.  While I have read so much about codependency online, it is so nice to have a summarized resource like this.

I look forward to going back.  I just have to make sure I'm not cross-talking.  Anyway, I should go.  *hugs*  <3

An Update to Start the Week ...

Times like this when I drop out of the blogworld, I get a bit frustrated.  So much has happened but is difficult to catalog after a bit of absence.

I have not yet gone to the local CODA meetings.  Some other things just came up and one time I totally forgot.  However, tomorrow night is when they both go on.  I still wonder if I should try one for six weeks and then try the other or go back and forth. 

One is earlier, women's only, and a step meeting.  However, it is quite far away, which will be difficult in the coming winter.  The other may be less structured and later, but is close enough for me to get to fairly easily.  I guess if there's times I can't make it due to transportation and times, that's just how it goes.

These next couple of weeks will be of solitude for me.  As I believe I said last year, my roommates go on annual summer and winter vacations.  In the past, I struggled a lot with loneliness and the difficulty I had with past pain and internal negativity.  While I am an introvert by nature and love the idea of solitude, I feel my past and current ways of dealing with things makes me dislike it.  When alone, I overanalyze more, go off on tangents more in my mind, and just end up being a lot more emotional.

However, I am determined that this time will be different.  I do feel as though I've made a lot of progress over the past year.  Also, a streak of discipline has entered my consciousness.  I have been doing a lot better with my emotional eating and taking care of myself in various other ways.

I am now also in the second half of my cycle so I'm doing all I can with a healthy diet and stress relief.  I can get very down and emotional, past pain also bothers a lot more.  So I will do my best to take the best care of myself that I can.

Anyway, that's all I have for now.  Take care all!  *hugs*  <3

To Blossom

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin


The above quote fits my current feelings rather well.  I have such a mix of emotions with this time in my life.  I sit here, tears streaming down my cheeks.  I feel so scared, so overwhelmed.  Yet, I feel so blessed and lucky at the same time.  These tears are both of sadness and joy.
 
I feel as though I am slowly learning who this stranger is inside.  I am starting to feel, to think, to believe, to love, to want, etc.  How is this possible?  That question cycles over and over in my head.  Things seem so rocky now.  So much repressed emotion and negativity overwhelm me.  Yet, a joy is starting to flow through my life.  I am starting to appreciate life and the world even through my dark valleys.  And I'm starting to know me.  I'm beginning to understand why I think, feel, and act as I do.  I am starting to feel power over myself for the first time.  Loving myself seems more possible.
 
I will be happy and at peace.  I believe that though things are rather dim right now.  I wonder if teens go through all kinds of emotions and rebellions and such as I have been feeling.  I was the care-taker back then, so I had a very serious and structured teen time.  I have wondered also if others who could not be teens when they were have a lapse for such behavior as it seems that I do.  This here is a little bit of a tangent as what I'm describing above isn't quite what I imagine teens thinking.
 
Oh, and another tangent:  I'm going through major PMS right now.  With stress, I get extremely emotional at this time.  I have to take care around others so I don't get moody on them, which can be difficult.  However, I have realized that my moodiness emboldens me to bring up things and think about issues that bother me a lot.  I feel like I grow more during this time because of that.  I also cry a lot more about past pain that I need to release.  I'm starting to think more and more that the idea that everything happens for a reason has a lot of truth behind it.
 
Anyway, I kind of muddled the end of this with some tangents.  It is nice to feel joy at this time of month though, that does not usually happen for me.  It's all related though, my moodiness gets me to talk about things about myself that I may not share otherwise.  I learn so much more about myself.
 
Goodnight all!  *hugs*  <3

Observing Jealousy

It's funny, Katie posted this in regards to wanting to feel special.  The next day, something actually happened with me that is worth noting, though it embarrasses me terribly.  I felt jealousy against a child, while I am supposed to be an adult.  Feeling this, I then felt angry and ashamed.

Instead of just dwelling on it, I actually started to decompose this situation.  First, I observed my jealous feelings against this child.  I then looked for what I was actually jealous of, which was an ability to be directly affectionate with others.  This child could just chat up people so easily and just hug and tell others she missed them and just express all of this so freely.  So, next I looked at why I felt I could not be this way myself.  Firstly, I am just not used to being affectionate.

Secondly, and most importantly, I feel that by being affectionate, I bring people closer.  The closer people are with me, the more likely it seems that I get codependent and enmeshed with them emotionally.  So, by not being affectionate, I was protecting me from myself.    I feel like this explains me being hesitant with having close friends.  Some of it may be me being socially inept, but also it's a means of protection.

So, while things like this jealousy make me feel anger and shame, they are simply signs directing me to what needs to change.  By working on detachment and assertiveness, I lose my codependent grip with others and allow myself to feel safe to pursue friendships.

Also, this illustrates all the more the sick tendency I have to treat myself as an enemy.  I see more and more ways that I needlessly drag myself through the mud.  However, I am also seeing ways to counteract such behavior.

An Inquiry For Anon Goers

After realizing how deep and complicated my control issues are, I have been considering going to a CODA meeting.  I thought it couldn't hurt to see what it was about and maybe it'd help.

My state only has two meetings, both in this town.  One is open and one is step.  They are on the same night but an hour and a half apart.  The step is the earliest and farthest one away.

I am curious if anyone has input on a preferred format.  The step seems a bit more structured and in some ways more helpful.  The step is also only for women.

Also, I have been hesitant to join these meetings as I don't know if I can truly believe in giving my problems to someone else, higher power or not.  Does this mean I shouldn't go?  I don't care to pretend or agree emptily with the other meeting goers as that seems to undo the purpose of going.  Both meetings are in churches.  I'm not an atheist but I am spiritual, not religious.  I also feel like I should be handling my troubles.  So maybe I shouldn't go?  I'm not sure. 

Thank you in advance for any feedback!  You do not have to go to these meetings to submit feedback, I'd love to hear what anyone has to say.