Finding Joy

For most of my life, I have not felt much in the way of emotion.  Expression of emotion consisted of fits of anger or crying.  I never thought that I had control over my own feelings, reactions, and outlook.  The world seemed pretty black or pretty white.  Even so, I always had a tiny voice inside telling me not to give up and that everything was going to be ok.

As I learn about what I can and cannot control, as well as the world's grayness, I have been able to discover joy.  As such, that little voice has gotten stronger.  It is strong enough that I can say those things myself.  Even with things that I never believed I could get through, I can now stand ready to weather whatever pain and suffering I may have in store.  It does not mean it is easy for me, but that I can bear it.

I have found joy in a number of ways:
+  Taking walks.  No matter where you live, be it a busy city or out in the boonies, there is a world to explore.  You can discover many joyous things by looking around as you walk.  That said, take out those earphones and put away that cell phone.  Whether it is birds chirping or children playing, there are also lots of sounds to take in.  Don't neglect the other senses either.  Pay attention to how your body feels as you walk or taste the local food.

+  Listening to music.  The variety of music one has access to in this day and age is astounding.  Through its instrumentals and/or voice, music can be so moving.  It can cause smiles, singing, and/or dancing.  While a catchy harmony is great, inspiring lyrics can really make me smile.

+  Other activities.  Walking is hardly the only activity that can be enjoyable.  Dancing, biking, running, yoga, gardening, skating, etc. are all great ways to move.  The increase in blood flow and endorphins, the moving of your muscles, etc. not only benefit your body but your mind.

+  Animals.  Be it a cat, dog, fish, bird, snake, horse, eagle, etc., animals can bring such joy.  Whether for companionship, observation, etc., animals are also stress-relieving, a major factor in one's feelings of joy.  They can make you laugh, move, think, or inspire you with their beauty and sense of peace.

+  Conversations.  It can be a stirring political discussion or a simple exchange about the weather.  Reaching out and connecting to others, be it in real life or online, can be very enjoyable.  Learning about viewpoints, sharing a joke, or finding forgiveness can all happen during conversations.


Those are just some ways that I have found joy.  Now for what gives me joy:
+  People give me joy.  Interesting conversations, hugs, smiles, all of these things and more I get from people.  Much of what I have learned in life was not from books but people.  They may not be perfect but that's what makes them interesting and lovable.  Not only am I blessed with loving people in my life, but I have a great boss, fun coworkers, and a whole variety of interesting acquaintances.

+ I love animals.  I grew up on a farm with dogs, cats, and cows.  Plus, there was a lot of wildlife around:  deer, rabbits, birds, coyotes, wolves, badgers, skunks, raccoons, turtles, fish, beavers, etc.  Now I am living with a cat of my roommates'.  He has made me a cat lover for sure.  Even though he's getting older, he's still as playful and curious as a kitten.  He always seems to be able to tell when someone is sad and gives them attention.  He has his mischievous moments too, like when he raids my underwear drawer or jumps on me when I'm on the toilet.  I also live close to the country so I can still enjoy wildlife.  I love taking pictures or just observing them.  Bunnies, squirrels, and birds hang out near where I work.  The janitors feed them popcorn and they are just so fun to watch.

+  Activities!  I enjoy taking long walks (always have, even when little), bike riding, dancing (esp. ballroom), hiking, camping, gardening, and geocaching.  I marvel at how my body moves and how lucky I am to not be in pain.  I have many friends who are in pain, either from injuries or age.  I feel very blessed and intend to take care of my body the best I can.

+  Food and cooking.  I love to cook!  It's my main way to be creative.  I love making food that people enjoy and I love the challenge of making something frugal, healthy, and tasty.  I commonly give food away as gifts.  Though I'm not a vegetarian, meat really isn't what I enjoy about food.  I adore cheese, vegetables, fruit, pasta, yogurt, chocolate milk, honey, peanut butter, nuts, and seafood.  Pasta salad is one of my favorite foods.  I also love deviled eggs, cheesecake, coffee, tea, etc.  I love brussel sprouts and oranges (not together).  Goodness, I could go on for way too long. 

+  Ideas.  I love how people have such varied ideas and viewpoints.  I enjoy discussing them.  I really enjoy how my ideas on life and the world are coming together to a central theme.  How responsibility, liberty, love, community, self-reliance, independence, frugality, respect, and peace can all intertwine.  I love learning about others and how my mind changes as I learn more.

+ Plants. I have oodles of houseplants.  Most of which I rescued from the boulevard during Cleanup Week.  Pothos, spiders, Christmas cacti, etc.  I love trees and grass and flowers.  I especially adore pines, they are so beautiful in these state forests.  I love how stubbornly little grasses and weeds will spring up from the cracks in parking lots and sidewalks.  I love flowers that smell good like roses, lilies of the valley, peonies, and lilacs.  The last three all grow here where I live (one of my roomies is allergic to roses).  I love vegetable and herb gardens.  How beauty and function come together.  I love that you can grow potatoes in a trash can.  I love moss and ferns.  I love Christmas trees and bouquets, though it makes me sad that they are dying.

+  Weather.  I love storms.  It was amazing to watch them roll along the prairie.  They thrill me and scare me at the same time.  Tornadoes and hurricanes scare me but fascinate me.  I love rain; it helps plants and crops grow.  It makes the pastures green for cows.  I love to walk in the rain.  I have always wanted someone to kiss me in the rain.  I love sunny days.  The feeling of the sun on my face is one that I never want to forget.  I love how brilliant blue the sky can be.  I love clouds and all their different types.  I love snow.  Walking in snow is fun too.  I love snowshoeing, snowmen, snowbanks, snow angels,  and snowball fights.  I love being in the cold but all cuddly warm with good boots, my bomber hat, and mittens.  I love learning about the weather and being at peace knowing I can't control it.

+  The stars!  Oh goodness, when I lived in the country, I could see billions of them.  I love the constellations and the stories behind them.  I love this strange feeling I get when looking at them.  I have this urge to be up among the stars.  I've always had that feeling.  When I came to the city for college, I felt soooo homesick.  Seeing those three tiny stars (one may have been a planet) as I sat on the curb outside my dorm gave me so much comfort.  Every time I go out in the country, I hope and pray for a clear night.  The view always takes my breath away.  In the winter, I love walking home at night with Orion above me.  I feel like he's protecting me.  Oh, and the moon and planets!  The moon is so beautiful in each phase.  And it's funny how the sun is just a star that warms my face during the day.  Saturn is my favorite planet.  I love its rings.

+  The simple things.  I love hot showers, warm clothes from the dryer, fresh baked bread, a hot cup, and new socks.  I love smiles and hugs.  I love when a good song suddenly pops up on the radio, when I find something lost while cleaning, when it's warm enough for my long flowing skirts.  I love having a comfy bed and comfy shoes.  I love realizing that I don't fit many people's idea of how I should be.  I love the discovery that I can be ok with that. 


I love that when I started writing this, I felt like crap and had been crying and now feel happy.  Everything I mentioned, plus much more, is where I find joy.  I wish you the best in finding your's.


<3

Moving Ahead

Now that I have shared some of my struggles and reflected upon them, I feel I can move forward being positive.  Thank you for your kindness and hugs! 

I feel I should post my upcoming plans for improvement.  I see now that I have more work to do regarding my inner child, anger, and assertiveness.  So, while I have more work in those areas, I feel like I have entered a new stage.  I feel much more determined to get my life together.  I want to be organized, detached, positive, and healthy.  I feel as though I am taking more responsibility for myself.  I'm guessing I have matured somewhat.  Also, I feel very overwhelmed but want to find a solution myself, not just blame the world for it.  I've been good at taking the initiative to do things, however, I believe I always thought of myself as a victim. 

Regardless of how people feel or act, I can totally control how I react.  I don't have to join an argument, I don't have to feel a certain way, I don't have to think negatively.  While I still feel weak in the area of assertiveness, I feel stronger than ever.  I still live in fear, but can deal with it.  The world seems to crumble under me, but I am now determined to not be defeated.

I have to go now, but will post more at a later time.


*hugs*  <3

Grief, Guilt, Anger

Thank you to all who have been popping by!  During rougher times, I have a tendency to isolate and avoid the blog world.  I also just get busy with drama and such.

I have been having some rough days as of late.  More and more things are popping up that I need to attend to this next month or so.  I'm trying to keep the stress and worry at bay but with other difficult emotions surfacing, that's not easy.

So, what are my problem areas now?  Well, let's see:

- grief as a loved one from afar is dying

- codependent guilt trips

- poor assertive argument skills

- anger and sadness surfacing

- inner child struggle

- negativity

It bums me that I can list that all out in a little bullet list.  Yet, it's good that I'm aware of it all.

I haven't talked about the dying thing much, as it's difficult to and that person is extremely private online.  Yet I feel that I can say how I feel.  I feel so helpless, my codependency is driving me nuts.  I want to save them with vitamins and healthy food and determination.  So many feelings get touched off, sadness, anger, guilt, love, etc.  This person has caused a lot of the issues I have now and am working on.  They didn't intentionally and I'm not blaming them.  I have been told that I should tell them that before they die.  I don't think I want to cause such trouble.  I'm still scared of them and I feel guilty enough as it is.

Thus, I have been spiraling in guilt trips.  Of being a crappy daughter, of being a crappy big sister, of being a crappy friend....  I should be able to save people, help them be emotionally mature and happy.  I should have stood up to my parents fighting.  I should have not been scared, big sisters aren't scared.  I should take care of my friends.  That's what my codependency says.  I finally identified much of my guilt as a result of codependency.  Some of it is ridiculous, I have not been put on this earth to take care of everyone.  There are ways I can improve, reach out more, show more love, etc.  I have to get over the past and love now.  This seems difficult.

I got into a horrible fight with a friend of mine.  Old and new anger bubbled out in hateful words.  It was awful.  :(  It's like that one quote, "Sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel."  ~Author Unknown.  I have apologized but it is going to take time for their hurt feelings to heal.  This is the stuff where my negative self-talk just beats me up.  I must learn to be better at assertive talk.  I have to not let my anger get to me so much.

So, with all of these emotions, this inner child business seems to be back, though I'm sure it hasn't left.  I have kind of neglected her, the poor dear.  I have been comforting her when I get upset, I'm not sure what else to do.

Over the last month, I have truly realized how negative I have become.  I never even notice what slips out.  I still end up dealing with abusive people and I let that get to me.  I am still codependent with various people.  In some ways, I feel like a fraud here, like everyone has gotten away from all bad and are now healing.  Anyway, I need to focus back on the positive.  I know I can change this.  

Here are some anger quotes I found online.  These are good reminders for me and maybe others.

- Life is too short to hold a grudge, also too long.  ~Robert Brault

- He who angers you conquers you.  ~Elizabeth Kenny

- Anger ventilated often hurries toward forgiveness; and concealed often hardens into revenge.  ~Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

- Get mad, then get over it.  ~Colin Powell

- Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.  ~Malachy McCourt

- Take no revenge that you have not pondered beneath a starry sky, or on a canyon overlook, or to the lapping of waves and the mewing of a distant gull.  ~Robert Brault    

- If you're angry at a loved one, hug that person.  And mean it.  You may not want to hug - which is all the more reason to do so.  It's hard to stay angry when someone shows they love you, and that's precisely what happens when we hug each other.  ~Walter Anderson

- I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.  ~Author Unknown

- The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk.  ~Jacqueline Schiff

    

Laughter and Tears

Ok, I know I only wrote a post a few minutes ago.  However, I have to get this out.

Today I read this on Sarah's blog about laughter.  Goodness, did this ever trigger something in me.  I had tears in my eyes after reading it and now I do again as I post this.  Outside of a few belly laughs with my sisters over something really silly, I never really laughed or smiled when I was younger.  I remember someone in junior high asking why I never laughed.  I think I just shrugged my shoulders at their question.  It is easier now to laugh.  Recently, I have realized just how much I giggle and chuckle about what goes on around me and even when things go badly.  Though I don't laugh very loud most of the time.  I feel like I muted myself, like I was only supposed to laugh if others think it is funny.

Now on to tears.  Goodness, I didn't have much of a problem with that.  I got labeled a crybaby at school and it was yet another thing to single me out.  I was terribly sensitive then, and still am.  I wanted to be accepted and liked so much by the other kids.  In order to get them to like me, I would have had to disown some of my own qualities.  I already felt repressed enough at home so I didn't do that.  Though I did go deeper into my shell.  I have also had other reactions to me crying.  Anger and guilt are the main ones.  I used to feel ashamed of crying, especially in front of men.  I felt it was an unacceptable sign of weakness.  Since what I do and what I am interested in are something with more men, I felt like I had to prove strength.  Also, others around me were codependent and felt to blame for my tears.

It's funny, I always thought I was an emotional person.  However, I think I just acted emotionally.  I repressed a lot of anger, sadness, hopelessness, and fear.  Now, when I cry, I feel the pain pour out.  Now, when I laugh, I feel joy.  I feel all of this stronger than ever.  It can be overwhelming, but it is easier than living with repressed emotions stirring within.

To Feel Worthy

This is a response to a challenge on this website.  I encourage you to check out what others have shared.

With a recent blowup regarding insecurity, a shift has taken place in my thinking.  The idea that the only way I will get security in myself is by changing my self-image into something more positive seems to have finally sunk in.  I cannot do a thing about how others see me.  I truly don't want to. 

So today, as I was walking home, I thought more about how I view myself and self love.  A few months back, I remember laying on my bed, wondering how I could ever love myself.  This was months after I read online and in books about the importance of loving yourself.  I knew I had to.  I realized that I could not truly love others until I did.  I knew that such love would wash away the anger and resentment I feel about not being accepted by others.  Yet, I was at a lost as to how I could ever love myself.

I took baby steps.  I worked on thinking more positively.  Not just about me, but also about other people and situations.  I thought about what I liked about me.  I tried to find a positive side to what I didn't like about me.  I looked at myself naked in the mirror before and after showers.  I tried to make more decisions based on how I felt rather than how someone else felt.  I decided to change my lifestyle for my own health, not just to be prettier or whatever.  I decided to like what I already liked about me, even if others thought it was weird or odd.

Slowly, it all seems to help.  Have I accomplished all of this totally?  NO!  I still have my bad times.  Sometimes they last a few minutes, maybe a few hours.  The difference is that I now bring myself up by being kind to myself.  While I appreciate support, I am slowly stopping the search for a shoulder to cry on.  I'm crying on my own shoulder.  I'm complimenting myself.  I got myself some of these as a birthday gift. 

I still struggle.  I still get upset with myself.  I have a lot of negative self-talk to conquer.  My awareness of my codependency and other issues makes it easy to beat myself up.  However, I can love myself.  It is possible.  Right now.  With my issues, my problems, my immaturity, my codependency, my emotions, my fears.  As I am right now, I am lovable.  To actually feel that as being true just blows me away.

Can't You Just Adore Her?

This morning, I was listening to Mandy Moore's song, Can't You Just Adore Her.  It got me thinking about my need to feel accepted and loved.  As always, when I turn a love song toward myself, it makes me think more about my behavior.  Why can I just adore myself?  Yes, I do need to change how I react and how I treat myself and others.  But why can't I just enjoy the rest of myself?  I've been thinking as of late about some current events.  I've pegged a lot of it down to a negative self-image.  I seem to project this on to other people.  I will have to post more about this and some material I found.

I have been having some hectic days as of late.  I may not seem very active.  I do read and I'm about.  I'm thinking of you all!  Have a good week!  *hugs*  <3

P.S.  Ok, I can't help it.  I found this link a couple of days ago.  It discusses an interesting pattern of how jealousy results from insecurity and can result in an attempt to control others.  It discusses false beliefs and negative self-image as reasons for jealousy (and in some cases anger). 

February 2010 Edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse!

Welcome to the February 2010 edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse! This carnival increases awareness of child abuse and allows survivors to connect. This month, we are having the theme of birthdays, since four days from now is my own. Birthdays can be quite emotional for survivors.

Please enjoy the following posts! They have been categorized as the following: Birthday-Themed, Advocacy and Awareness, Aftermath, Art Therapy, Healing and Therapy, In the News, Poetry, and Survivor Stories.

If you, as an author or reader, come across relevant blog posts of merit, please submit them to future Blog Carnivals Against Child Abuse!



Birthday-Themed

IK (me) at Issue Knitting presents Birthday Thoughts. These are just some reflections of my birthday and what the day means and how it has been impacted.

Kate Wiggin at Kate1975's Blog shares Birthday Musings. In this post, Kate captures the various emotions brought on by birthdays, both in the past and the now.

katie at sharing our spaces posts healing the inner child. With the birthday theme, she discusses the movie The Kid, where an unhappy workaholic sees a younger version of himself. Expanding further, she also brings up the book 'Healing the Child Within'. I found this post rather helpful as that book has a lovely list of real self qualities versus the false or codependent self.

From Marj aka Thriver at Survivors Can Thrive! comes A Part Is Born. Marj shares her experience with DID and the birth of alters.

One Survivor at A Survivor's Thoughts on Life reflects with My Sister. This is a reflection of One Survivor's sister, as her birthday approaches.

Patricia Singleton at SPIRITUAL JOURNEY OF A LIGHTWORKER shares Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker: My Mom---The Silent Parent. This is a very touching tribute on her mother's birthday this month.

Rick Belden at poetry, dreams, and the body enters poetry, dreams, and the body » Blog Archive » broken birthday 51. Rick shares, "This poem was written on the morning of my 51st birthday in November 2008. Birthdays have typically been difficult for me throughout my life, but watching myself get another year older while I'm still trying to heal from a childhood that feels farther and farther away from me all the time adds another layer of challenging feelings to the experience."


Advocacy and Awareness

Aaliyah Williams at Masters in Elementary Education provides 9 Blogs About Childrearing Worth Reading. Here is a handy resource about childcare for parents and parents to be.

Dr. Alan Singer at FamilyThinking.com with Dr. Alan Singer writes Better Safe Than Stupid. Dr. Alan Singer remarks, "A parent must assume full responsibility for their child's well-being at all times, from infancy to when the child starts school, and then some. That's why something that I saw recently left an indelible impression on me."

Ekawaaz offers We should Be Ashamed: The Rampant Exploitation Of Children Continues in India. Ekawaaz says, "This Video I had captured 2 weeks ago in Lucknow, the state capital of India’s largest state. What a shame! This video is clearly saying that in India the rampant exploitation of children continues and no one really bothered be it local administration or Government. People do talk about NGO’s do talk about but the reality is that we are not doing enough to end this SHAME."

End Slavery Now at End Human Trafficking submits Saudi Girl, 12, Sold in Marriage to 80-Year-Old Relative. This article brings to light the fact that Saudi Arabia has no minimum age for marriage and how young daughters are sold off to marriage.

Surbhi at The Viewspaper posts Child Sexual Abuse: A Frightening Reality. Bringing India's problem with child sexual abuse up front, this article advocates doing something about this terrible problem that faces many more nations than India. As I check this, it was having an issue loading but is the right URL. I believe they may be having a temporary server glitch.


Aftermath

AM White at From Survivor to Thriver shares Fatherly Confusion « From Survivor to Thriver. This was an important post for AM White's recovery, for she figures out the negative impact of her father. This is certainly a relatable piece.

Colleen at Surviving by Grace writes Is It My Turn To Fly?. Colleen reflects on a lovely song about growth and reaching a point of strength and courage.

cornnut32 at picture of experience gives us cracked: understanding why i act the way i do. From a book about addicts and their rehab, cornnut32 finds insight into how she as a survivor is how she is. I personally found this post rather helpful as I can relate to much of the book's excerpt that she posted.

Lily at Locating My Life reflicts with Please Stop. Lily remarks, "A constant struggle for me, and many survivors. I know I sure could use others insight to help me understand. Hopefully this will help someone else ." This struggle is in regards to cutting, a form of self injury.

Shadowlight offers Forms of dissociative disorder « Shadowlight's Blog. This is a very informative post that illustrates the different forms of dissociative identity disorder.


Art Therapy (To stand on their own, without my interpretation.)

Paul at Mind Parts presents Visual Words. Paul remarks, "I wanted to introduce readers to what they can do with "word clouds"".


Healing and Therapy

Adam at ZenTactics - Child Abuse Recovery submits Healing the Inner Child. This post explains why you should heal your inner child and what may help you with this undertaking.

Cynthia Bland at Voice Found enters speak to your inner child. In this entry, Cynthia recalls a time she comforted her inner child. It's a wonderful reminder of how important re-parenting yourself can be for a survivor.

Dan Hays at Thoughts Along The Road to Healing writes My Inner Child. Dan says, "Informal thoughts about how to help my inner child heal, in response to a question from a friend."

Darlene Ouimet at Emerging From Broken posts The Longing for Family, Love and Self Love. This is a very touching post about rising above an abusive past to a serenity of self-love and acceptance.

Dr. Kathleen Young presents Overcoming Negative Self-Talk. This is a very informative post about negative self-talk and how to deal with it.

From fatgirloreo at OREO comes I Believe In Paying It Forward. She shares her experience with a support group and its final meeting.

JUST BE REAL gives us VENDING MACHINE OF PLEASING. This entry is a wonderful analogy relating vending machines and people pleasing. I really enjoyed this one myself.


In the News

Ekawaaz provides Indias shame: Sexual slavery, the Prostitution Racket and Child prostitutes: Channel 4 Investigation (video). Ekawaaz shares, "While doing some other work and looking for some other video, I came across with this report of Channel 4 and to be honest I was shocked and disgusted to see how the hell this type of force sex slavery is still going on and people involved in are not getting caught? What’s wrong with our system? We want it all, we want to be super power but unfortunately we are not able to protect these kids from this sex slavery trade. God save Indian Kids!"

Regina Scharf at DEEP BRAZIL offers 5 million workers under age « DEEP BRAZIL. This informative article explains that over five million Brazilian workers are under 18, many without pay, and the horrible conditions they must work in.



Poetry (To stand on their own words, not mine.)

Hope at Hope for Trauma posts Clouds & Rain « Hope for Trauma.


Survivor Stories

Jeff Bennett at Secret of a Kiss writes Childhood memories « Secret of a Kiss. This entry recalls sexual childhood memories of the author and their impact on him then and now.

Shen at Reunited Selves reflects with DID and the Fifth Step. Shen relates a moment of clarity she had related to dissociative identity disorder and the holding on to resentments and past experiences.