Rather Cluttered

I am having a time where recent events have generated so many blog posts in my head.  I will try to separate the topics the best I can.

First off, Happy 2010!!!  I cannot believe we have finished another decade.  So much has happened in the last year, it is unreal.  I learned about my codependency.  I discovered so much anger and resentment within.  I have realized just how low my self-worth is.  I have found so much self-hatred and punishment in my ways.  I have truly seen how negative I can be.  I am slowly getting so that awareness does not spiral into guilt and shame.  It is not easy.  I have mistreated myself and others rather badly.  I also have problems with emotional eating and disorganization.  Finances are another issue.  A very sick relative is yet another.  I feel heavy on the shoulders.

However, I have gotten a good kick in the pants recently.  Being positive really helps me.  I know there is abundance and joy in life if one looks for it.  Plus, I feel that I can bring the 'badass' in me that I've inherited.  Over this year, I have gotten stronger.  I know I can get stronger yet.  I know I can get through a lot.  This reminds me of a quote.

Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive. ~Josephine Hart

I first discovered that quote here.  I have visited that quote page for years and years.  I rather like it.  I like to read the Adversity section when I feel down.  Please share what quotes you find that you like.  It's fun seeing what inspires others.

I have topics in mind in regards to change, codependency, self-worth, assertiveness, and probably some other stuff.  I will post more personal stuff on my other blog as well.

I have been trying to check up on other blogs.  Thank you all for updating and sharing!  Take care and have a wonderful 2010!  *hugs*  <3

Some of My Laundry List

You know you have been out for a while when you can't remember your account info.

With all of this busyness, I have noticed some trends in myself.  I got distracted from taking care of myself and self-reflection.  As I become more aware of pain and anguish, the release of such emotion becomes more important.  I'm like a teakettle with the whistle stopped up.  However, the steam just doesn't make me cleanly explode.  It seeps out wherever it can.  So, with this pain, anger, and resentment seeping out, I feel guilt for it happening.

I also notice that I handle worry differently.  I still worry and dwell, but not constantly and I don't let it mess me up so badly.  I am slowly becoming more accepting of my fears and worries.  However, I still must learn that what I worry and fear usually doesn't happen or is as bad as I think.

I struggle with my awareness of my thinking and acting behaviors.  The more I realize how codependent, passive, resentful, and insecure I am, the more I dislike of myself.  I have always had a resistance to change, ever since I was quite young.  Somewhere, I learned changing myself meant how I am is worthless.

I must do in order to be worthy.  I must look, think, feel, and act a certain way to be lovable and worthy.  Realizing I have changes to make inflames this harmful thinking.  I know I must find worth in myself right now, because I am worthy and lovable even with my bad habits.  However, as I become more aware of my habits, the more hopelessness I feel in believing I have worth.

Ok, I think that's enough of my laundry list for now.  I've been thinking about the above areas a lot as of late.

Self-Rescuing Princess

Linkie.

I have realized last night that I must try to work on myself more on my own.  I have noticed a tendency to create conflict and send out negativity.  Thus, I must realize that it is up to me to help myself, no one else.

So today, when I saw the above linked t-shirt in a catalog, it really spoke to me.  It reminds me that I have not been looking to myself enough.  Help and support from others is good, but one cannot become dependent on it.

After more thinking, I realized that those healing themselves are self-rescuing prince(sse)s.  No matter what support we may have, it is up to us to evolve into happy, healing people.

Well, I should retire soon.  I wish you all a happy week!  Take care!  <3

Self-Esteem and Sexuality

http://chaplaincare.navy.mil/selfhelp/sexuality.htm

I just wanted to link this as it seems useful.  It discusses self-esteem and its impact on our lives, including our sexuality.  I've been doing a bit of reading with this.

Hugs to all!  Take care!  <3

To Run

Something stirs
just beneath

An urge to run
and run and run

To live amongst
the trees
and silence

Away from all

Can't run away
from yourself

Sensible chiding
from within

Does not quell
this urge

To run
and run
and run

Some Thoughts...

I have been stirring up quite a bit as of late. I have been pushing on my assertiveness with others. I have worked on conflict resolution with others. I have dealt with more pain and anger from a previous relationship. I have been exploring intimacy and other related issues. I have pondered more on fears and anxieties I have held on to for as long as I can remember.

I have been told that my maturity is closer to a teen now; less tantrums, more self-discovery, a different sort of confusion. Some child-like tendencies still exist, but I can see improvement. Awareness and understanding are slowly seeping in, taking over the fear. The fear is still there, of abandonment and worthlessness.

I seem to still have difficulty with traits of my own that differ from others. I am realizing more and more that such thinking is mine, not what others think. Not everyone dislikes me for being different, I dislike me for that. I am realizing how many words I am putting into other's mouths.

Finally, I would like to thank those who have been so supportive and encouraging! I realize people are busy with their own lives and with healing.    Take care all!  <3

The Child Within

Oh, oh, oh, a very deep and huge scab has been picked away on my mental well-being. This week, we had a holiday and I watched some kids with a friend of mine. I'm not a mother and am not used to being around kids.

As of late with my attempt at positivity, I have felt that this inner child stuff had settled with me a bit. I did not feel an internal conflict like I have been and figured maybe some integration had taken place. Well, was I ever wrong!

The girls made some snotty comments about me and I was transported back to being little. I am shy as it is so I already was going to be quiet and self-conscious. But such remarks uprooted somewhat forgotten feelings of my youth. Never fitting in, just to be an ugly duckling. My whole life I felt I needed to change. No one likes shy, quiet people. I can't run, I can't throw. I don't have the newest toys and gadgets. I wasn't as funny and charming. I was heavy and greasy. The crappy little bookworm that was only wanted to weasel homework out of. I cry as I write this, because I still feel rather raw.

Anyway, some of the reason I was so quiet and shy was that was how I was supposed to be. I wasn't supposed to babble or mess anything up. I was to fear adults. I was supposed to fix people and take care of them. It was like I was a little adult. I probably have more child-like tendencies now then when I was a kid.

And I felt ignored by my friend. It is like I need constant attention sometimes. I had talked later about this and realized that some of the mean comments and such were just signs of pain in the little ones. How much they were like me in some ways!

So, I learned a lot that day. I learned that I need to focus more on self-soothing and attention. I learned that I needed to heal past pain of not being accepted. I need to learn that while I want to change how I react to the world and my feelings, I do not have to change my core self. While it would be nice to be able to talk to others competently and without fear, I do not have to be as sociable and extroverted as others. I am good enough. Others see it, I must as well.

Oh and a final thing: a friend got me watercolors! A 24 pack of them! I have done a little, oh is it ever fun! I am determined to do more very soon!

Oh and one more! A song I heard tonight that relates to my healing and self-improvement.