Despair, Apathy, Shame, Hopelessness, Et Cetera

The last couple of days has been a low point for me. I seem to be in a funk of some sort. I realize this happens to everyone at some point, but it would be nice to understand why and head feelings like this off. I know when I go back into habits of passiveness and codependency, that I get dragged down. I know that the many realizations I have made these past few months drag me down. I know emotional eating drags me down. My sense of apathy and 'letting things go' also hurts.

One thing that I think would help prevent such feelings is more positive reinforcement. When mistakes or failures occur, actively comforting oneself and supporting oneself may lessen feelings of failure. I really need to focus on the fact that I'm human and can never be 'perfect'. More emotional detachment would help, I don't need to take other people's negative emotions; I have enough of my own. I have gotten MUCH better at self-coping. When I'm down, sometimes I can say positive things to myself and make myself feel loved. For a long time I have heard about the need to love yourself. I never understood what this meant until now.

I never realized that I could think good of myself, especially at this point in my life. It is most turbulent and I am more emotional. I am also rather overweight and have become aware of how I don't take care or pride in myself. Yet, though I have not turned all of this around, I have managed to find some love of myself. That makes me feel really good.

So, now that I'm in a funk, what to do? I have read a bit about this. Here are some things that work for me.
- Accomplishing small goals: this helps build self-esteem because I can be really apathetic and feel guilt for feeling that way. It helps to remind myself that I don't have to have everything done.
- Enjoy the outdoors: walks are very soothing to me, even in the city. I lived my child and teen years in the country, where I developed my habit of taking little walks. The fresh air, bits of color I see, the various people I meet all help me feel better. I have only seen prairie and forests, no mountains or shore. I love the prairie for its openness and sweeping wind. I love the forest for its shelteredness and its stillness. I love trees and grasses and plants and animals. I love the way my heart settles from the peace I get at those places. I belong there, a feeling I never felt anywhere else.
- Music: I wonder if music influences me so much because I am so influenced by others. I do not wish to lose music's influence as it helps me invigorate and sooth me. It can sooth my heart, but not the same way nature can. I like music with stimulating harmonies or lyrics. Like art, it must stir me in some way.

Those are just some things that I can think of right now. One thing I would like to try is watercolor painting. This book got me intrigued. I have always been critical with my art skills, but I think it would be therapeutic for me.

One thing I think that harms me sometimes is being online. I think I spend too much time online, especially when down. I will visit blogs here but otherwise I am going to restrict myself a bit and see if it helps me.

I wish you all a great week and thanks for stopping by!

The Climb

This is a song I recently heard.  For me, this is the most inspirational song I have ever heard.  I can relate to it a lot.  It is a great reminder not to give up!  Enjoy!  It sounds so beautiful.

The Climb - Written By:  Alexander, J; Mabe, J.  Performed By:  Miley Cyrus

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

Whoa a oh oh

Isolation

The topic of isolation has been on my mind as of late. Some people have posted about it and I have also experienced a very strong sense of it a couple of days ago. I have a number of factors associated with isolation. For one, I am quite shy, having been so since about junior high. I do talk more now and can communicate coherently with others, though I still don't say a lot and have difficulty with lots of people and people I haven't met. My introversion also makes social events draining.

I also experience a wish for isolation when I'm quite emotional or feeling self-hatred. I can be difficult to be around and I have come to assume people don't want to be around me when I feel like that. I also get irritated by how easy I can be to read, my facial expressions have always been the main way for me to communicate emotion. Talking about my emotions was not encouraged at all. When people have been around me for a while, they seem to detect topics that hurt my feelings and such. So, I have temptation to avoid others to avoid such assumptions and reactions.

When I have become upset or have had conflict with someone, I have strong urges for isolation. I commonly visualize building a wall internally. Withdrawal is my most strong coping mechanism, second only to eating and crying. A common response to conflict for me is to not want to talk to others anymore, it only leads to trouble.

However, isolation has a price. I cannot grow in isolation. I cannot simmer in my negative emotions and self-hatred, that is quite destructive. I cannot hide from conflict. This is probably one of the most destructive things I do to myself, outside of verbal and mental abuse.

Buried Alive

I think sometimes analogies are how I express myself to others, at least in regards to healing and such. Slowly, I have started to define ME, not x's helper, not y's sister, not z's daughter. I have started to care about what I want, what I need. The idea of me being worthy of anything, especially love, is still quite foreign to me.

At times, people don't like such changes. Once some people get used to how you are, they don't really like you changing. At these times when I feel unaccepted (not just when I've changed), I feel like building walls back up, cocooning myself inside. However, this feeling is more complicated due to my changes. The best way for me to describe it is I feel like I'm burying myself alive. I can feel this internal struggle that the defined me is fighting the bury.

I'm sure I have had something like this when younger, but did not have a defined me to fight. Thus, this buried alive sensation is rather strong and new. It's sad how long one can go in their lives without feeling defined or worthy. As time goes on, I am in awe of how my thinking has changed. I still have a long road ahead, yet now I feel like a person anyway.

I feel awkward chronicling my trials here as things can change so much for me. I can be quite content and at peace one moment and the next be in despair. Of course, this all depends on stress levels, my cycle, my hunger level, etc.

One thing that has helped me quite a bit recently is the determination to be more positive. One resource I have found that you may wish to visit is the Positivity Blog. It has a number of insightful articles that I have found helpful.

Long Update and Future Topics

I have been quite busy as of late and so I'm sorry that I have not been visiting much. I think of you all often and wish you all well.

A whirlwind of healing related events has occurred that I shall share. I will not share all as some of what I've learned is rather difficult to accept and I'm not even sure if it's true. I've had to deal with quite a bit of lying in my life from those close to me so it could be false. I have heard some rather disturbing history of someone close to me in regards to human trafficking and the like. I did not hear about this from that person, so it could be painful lies to make that person sound 'bad'. I didn't even think about being lied to at first and so I felt a lot of pain and sympathy. It also seemed to fit some confusing pieces of my own life.

Anyway, hearing this has made me more curious about such horrific practices and I'd like to share more information about that here. Breaking silence about taboo topics like child abuse, incest, human trafficking, and force prostitution seems to be the first step in ending it all.

One major component that I struggle with is being positive. I grew up in a negative atmosphere where I learned it was best to assume negative and keep quiet. However, this has a rather bad impact on my life. Recently, I've become even more aware of how it can hurt others and myself. It's something that I've worked on in the past, but when I start getting negative again, it's like, oh well I ruined it. So now I'm trying to recover when I slid into negativity and also try to prevent it. It's been a bit of a struggle, and I do fall into old patterns but I think in general it's getting better. I also notice it makes me more productive and more successful if I can keep a positive attitude. This seems to be very important for my assertiveness, codependency, self-esteem, and emotional maturity issues.

Related to being positive, I have been working on loving myself. I never even thought about this idea until I started reading about it on other blogs. As I have been more forgiving and positive with myself, I can see such love forming. I have also gotten more concerned with taking care of myself. I have been exercising more, drinking more water, ridding soda pop from my diet, and eating more whole foods. I know it won't be easy and I will slip up but I have to realize I'm human and that doesn't mean I should give up. I have noticed that exercise has been giving me a new awareness of my own body and its movement. I have never noticed or appreciated the feeling of my body moving. I think I'm slowly losing shame over my body, which seems really good.

I will try to have my next post be more focused. I wish everyone a wonderful week and I will be visiting! <3

Children of Hoarders

*** Warning - May be triggering or painful

Today, I wanted to post about a website I found yesterday. I saw an ad about some show filming and humiliating a family of hoarders. I have heard about hoarding before but decided to do some more reading about it. It reminds me of what I grew up with and some of the tendencies I myself have.

Looking through this website, one part worth noting:

Along with difficulties in throwing things away, compulsive hoarders have severe difficulties making decisions, perfectionism, and avoiding tasks. People with compulsive hoarding syndrome do not like to make mistakes. To prevent making a mistake, they will avoid or postpone making decisions. Even the smallest task, such as washing dishes or checking mail may take a long time because it has to be done "right." The net result of these high standards and the fear of making a mistake is that compulsive hoarders avoid doing many tasks, because everything becomes tedious and overwhelming.

Much of this website goes into children who have lived in hoarding homes and the impact of it. However, what really stuck out for me was the explanations about the hoarders themselves. It sounds like living in a controlling and critical environment is a factor with who hoards.

I feel like I understand my mother better now, and her mother as well. I think about all the tension, fighting, and chaos caused by misunderstanding. People just thought she was lazy or didn't care, but looking back, I just think she was overwhelmed. This all makes me so sad.

As I have learned more and more about abuse and alcoholism and how these factors impact people, I feel that I understand many people so much more. Why they say what they do, why they act as they do, it slowly makes more sense.

A Quick Update

I will do another, more thorough update shortly. Thank you all for your support and kindness! I'm sorry I have not been around a lot.

I have always struggled with stress, perhaps now more than ever. I would greatly appreciate any advice on reducing stress. I've been working more on developing a routine for myself. I've considered other possible strategies but am at somewhat of a loss for how to start. I've heard a bit about meditation and yoga but know so little about either.

Anyway, any input would be appreciated!


Take care all!


<3