Peeking Out

I'm still here, though I've been rather silent.  I have been dealing with a lot of affairs and situations.  I am learning a lot.  I think I am now the most stressed that I have ever been.  My stomach is kind of messed up, I'm breaking out all over, and am having odd dreams.  Over time, I have been grieving a little each time.  I am sure that once things are more in order, the grief will be worse.

I try to take care of myself as I can.  I have been going to CODA as I can, which has been a great comfort.  Even though so many of us have such different situations, it amazes me that we have a lot of the same thoughts, feelings, and behavior.  The last meeting brought up inner child pain and oh how glad I was that it did!  My group had a great sharing and it reminded me to think of my inner child as this may be the time she needs me the most.

I want to lose weight and take better care of myself but it is a struggle.  I neglect myself so easily to take care of others and other problems.  I feel that this struggle time is an opportunity to change and to push me to organize myself and take care of myself and stand up for myself.

Outside of some help from some great friends, I have been working alone on most of my dad's affairs.  One sister can't help me too much and if anything, needs my help to get her life started.  The other just refuses to let this alter much of her own life.  Granted, it's her last semester and she's looking for work, but she could easily make a couple of phone calls for me or drop off paperwork without fuss.  She still takes time to go deer hunting, to go to football games, etc. and just expects me to sacrifice all. 

She insisted that her boyfriend propose, which he did, a month exactly after our dad's funeral.  I know it's her life, but it still feels like it was too soon after.  I feel bad for her fiance, as he is passive like me.  I feel she wants to set herself up with a well-to-do man that wouldn't be scary like our dad.  Again, it's her life.  However, I feel uncomfortable and that's just how it is.  I don't intend to tell her as it's her life.  If they're waiting a couple of years anyway, I just don't get why it had to be now.  She's all busy showing off and such and now I feel that I'll get even less help.  Yes, I am complaining and venting and I apologize if that offends anyone.  I do want them to be happy.  I feel bad that I am bothered by this.

A friend of mine has been talking to me about mindfulness and meditation after I shared a link about such topics.  I guess he and his wife are really into it and go to local meditation groups.  While I would love too, I'm so strained as it is for time.  However, I feel that this has been brought up to me now as a reminder to practice such things on my own and when the time is right, join such a group. 

I should share more about my grief.  Many things trigger grief and pain regarding my dad's death.  One time, some friends mentioned shivering and all I could think about was my dad being unconscious and having seizures.  It was so painful to see him go through that with no control.  Though when we took him off the machines, he stopped having seizures.  I wonder if that was a sign that he was ready.  Another time, I was grieving about his death and crying very hard.  Such crying makes breathing difficult and the sound of my difficult breathing reminded me of the sound of his last breathing.  I'm almost afraid to cry now as I hate that sound. 

All of this is so complicated as I loved, feared, pitied, and was angry with him.  I could never show my anger as I was so scared of him.  I so badly wanted us to amend and having a mature, adult, father-daughter relationship.  I feel that I grieve for that as well.  I feel like I was a bad daughter because of my codependency.  On one hand, I feel I did not do enough to help him and on the other, I isolated myself from him out of fear of him and of conflict.  I hope I can someday find peace about all of this.

My gratitudes:
- My newly-found strength in handling stress and adversity
- Another opportunity to show the amount of passion and drive I have to get things done
- Friends with knowledge and advice and a willingness to help
- A loving and kind grandmother
- Two sisters who help how they can even if it's not ideal for me
- A protective dog that guards and protects my sister from vultures and thieves
- People who believe in me
- That I believe in me
- That I have a desire for healthy change and growth
- Loving support and positive vibes of the ladies from CODA

My Dad's Passing

I do not have the time nor the energy to really share a lot here.  My father passed away on October 9th.  For the last few years, his liver has been failing him, with alcohol being a factor.  Due to the severity of his condition, we had to respect his wishes and let him go.  I chose to be with him as he died as I did not want him to die alone.  I would say one of my greatest fears is to die alone.  Though, my fear would be better described as a fear of dying without some kind of comfort from a loved one.  I told him over and over how much he was loved and thanked him for my life.  I held his hand, rubbed his shoulders and chest, and touched his face.  I probably touched him more in those fifteen minutes than I ever did my whole life.  He actually opened his eyes and looked right into mine for a bit.  I have no idea what he thought or felt.

I have not had much time for grief or mourning as his siblings are causing us trouble.  I will not go into it here but I will say that I do not understand how money and stuff can be valued over life and love.  They have been cruel in their statements and explanations of such matters hours after he passed.  They do not care about him, us, or their own mother.

However, friends, neighbors, acquaintances, some relatives, etc. have been awe-inspiring in their kindness.  Though we had a private service, many reached out to us and gave us support, food, and memorial money.  It is funny how such events can bring out such hate and greed in some and such love and compassion in others. 

We respected his wishes as much as we knew of them.  We intend to see that his siblings do not foil the rest of his wishes but we only have so much power for that.  We will get through this and hopefully our grandmother's wishes and rights will be respected.

Though he suffered a great deal these last few years, I learned much about him and came to see him as a man.  He lost his title of a perfect god by having feelings, experiences, and flaws.  Though I still have a lot of fear related to him and I never did get him to stop drinking and we never got to have the adult relationship I had hoped we would one day have, things are as they are and I  must get through it the best I can.  Over the last few days, I have recited the serenity prayer to myself as a reminder that I cannot control all but can control me.

Fluctuations

I feel a bit topsy-turvy right now.  In some ways I have been working on taking care of myself and to keep focused on improvement of myself.

Last week, I consciously admitted to myself that my dad is an alcoholic.  For me, this is quite an event.  I feel that I have come to a point where my mind was ready to admit that.  So many signs were there in regards to his behavior and health.  More recently, I knew he had a 'drinking problem' but I did not see that as alcoholism.  I kept clinging to the idea that a person had to be drunk all the time and hide bottles in odd places to be an alcoholic.

This 'revelation', which seems to be only a recent revelation to me, has had a huge impact on me.  It flares up my codependent thinking patterns.  I so badly want to fix everything for everyone involved.  I feel guilt as I feel if I was a better daughter, maybe he wouldn't be this way.  It also brings out a lot of black/white thinking I still appear to have.  It seems difficult for me to grasp that people can do good and bad things.

Also, I feel like I have been going through a teenage rebellion of sorts.  Growing up, I did not have time or a desire to socialize with other teens or rebel in any way.  I was so focused on making our family look good and taking care of others.  I used to feel rather cocky that I skipped that 'foolish teen nonsense'.  Now I see that while it may have been delayed, I'm going to have to go through it.  It seems like I am thinking about the things that teens may think about as they mature.  Who they are, what they want, what they believe, etc.  It's like as codependency has less of a grip on me, I am maturing and learning about myself.  I still have a long way to go but I can definitely see progress.

So, though I am emotional now and feel a lot of hurt in me, I am learning to embrace this time.  I am changing and growing and releasing a lot of repressed emotion and pain.  The progress I have made so far has prepared me for this time.

Thank you all for reading and leaving your kind and supportive words in the comments!  You sharing your experiences helps and encourages me a great deal.  I feel lucky that I can share to others here that I cannot so easily do with those in front of me.  I also thank you all for encouraging me to try CODA.  It has been just wonderful so far and I look forward to every Tuesday.  I resisted the idea of a 12 step program for a long time, not wanting to admit that I myself needed recovery.  It looks like Al-Anon and ACOA may also be good options for me but I only have so much time during the week.  My codependency seems to be a strong force that stems from my past and I'd prefer to deal with that.  Plus, my CODA group is awesome and very friendly.

Oh, some tidbits to share:

1) I recently got An Adult Child's Guide to What's 'Normal' in the mail.  'Normal' in this case is emotionally healthy.  It discusses boundaries, healthy love, and how to deal with various things like emotions, stress, and loneliness.  It looks rather helpful.

2) I heard a bus driver analogy recently.  It was described like this:  you are your own bus driver.  You choose where you stop and for how long.  You can stay for a few minutes, overnight, or head home.  I just thought it was neat and something I need to remind myself when people complain about how I spend my own time.

Anyway, I should sleep.  Have a good night all!  *hugs*  <3

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CODA - Meeting Four

Well today was my fourth meeting with my women's Codependents Anonymous group.  I really looked forward to this meeting as I had a nasty bit of codependent behavior crop up as of late.  Today's meeting was about boundaries.

I shared about my recent behavior which is really a pattern.  Instead of disappointing others by being assertive and enforcing a boundary, I withdraw into myself and avoid them.  Not only do I get guilt from 'disappointing' them, but also for avoiding them.  I then feel certain that they will now reject me for this behavior, though I act this way to prevent rejection.  Eventually I stop withdrawing and then feel better when I feel I've gained their approval back.  I have noticed this behavior for at least a few months now.  It's quite difficult to stop as I fear angering and disappointing others SO much.  However, I know I am hurting not only myself but others with such behavior.

It was not easy to share that at the meeting.  I felt a pang of worry that people would think worse of me.  I reminded myself that no matter where everyone was in recovery, we could all relate to feeling like I do.  Also, while avoiding others can be painful to others, I am not intentionally hurting others.  I also got encouragement after the meeting.  Gosh, I get a lot of encouragement and support from these women.  I wish I wasn't so shy as that makes it difficult for me to do the same.  I am going to work on being more friendly and encouraging towards others.

On and on a related note, I read an article about codependents and anger.  It suggested three ways to prevent unnecessary anger related to codependency and being defensive.  One of the ways was to reframe what was happening and if people really were trying to attack you.  Another way was to detach from the situation and view it as though you are on a balcony.  So, today I have been asking myself throughout the day how I feel.  If I notice a negative feeling, I think about why that is and if it is really necessary.  I guess I will see how that goes.

First Time @ CODA

I finally went to  my first CODA meeting last night.  Timing has been an issue for me and I have also been procrastinating.  Though I read up on such meetings quite a bit, I was not sure what to expect.  In recent years, I have also become a lot more shy around women and this was a women's only meeting.

When I first entered the room, I got a bit intimidated by one woman staring at me.  She probably wasn't actually staring, but I felt intimidated already and so being looked at made it worse.  However, I was able to get past that and find myself a seat.  Though I noticed that one woman looking at me a lot, I found the atmosphere very friendly and welcoming.  It was interesting to be in a room of women with varied ages and lives but who had being codependent in common. 

I may have gotten looked at a bit because I was probably disheveled from riding my bike six miles on a very windy day.  I probably looked a little odd with my Gilligan's hat still on to cover up my wind hair.  Oh well, I'm just happy I made it.  I was very worried I'd be late.  Though, that seemed ok, as a few women came in later and it seemed fine.

I am not sure why, but I did not expect it to be so formal.  I had to remind myself that this was a 12-step meeting, like any other.  Introducing myself as codependent was a new thing for me, that's for sure.

After the required reading and donation basket, a member led the meeting with the topic of worry.  She read from 'The Language of Letting Go'.  After that, we were split into two groups for sharing.  I was not sure if I was going to share until someone said something that got me thinking.  I have been thinking a lot as of late about forgiving myself and how I blame myself for the mistakes and problems of others.  With this blame, comes worry that I screwed up other people, that their lives were my responsibility.  So I talked about how I realize that when I do forgive myself, I will also release a lot of worry from the past.  It was neat to see how what people shared inspired others to share.  After all the sharing, there was the CODA prayer and then it was done.

Many of the women chatted with me and encouraged me to come back.  I was also given a CODA newcomer's handbook.  While I have read so much about codependency online, it is so nice to have a summarized resource like this.

I look forward to going back.  I just have to make sure I'm not cross-talking.  Anyway, I should go.  *hugs*  <3

An Update to Start the Week ...

Times like this when I drop out of the blogworld, I get a bit frustrated.  So much has happened but is difficult to catalog after a bit of absence.

I have not yet gone to the local CODA meetings.  Some other things just came up and one time I totally forgot.  However, tomorrow night is when they both go on.  I still wonder if I should try one for six weeks and then try the other or go back and forth. 

One is earlier, women's only, and a step meeting.  However, it is quite far away, which will be difficult in the coming winter.  The other may be less structured and later, but is close enough for me to get to fairly easily.  I guess if there's times I can't make it due to transportation and times, that's just how it goes.

These next couple of weeks will be of solitude for me.  As I believe I said last year, my roommates go on annual summer and winter vacations.  In the past, I struggled a lot with loneliness and the difficulty I had with past pain and internal negativity.  While I am an introvert by nature and love the idea of solitude, I feel my past and current ways of dealing with things makes me dislike it.  When alone, I overanalyze more, go off on tangents more in my mind, and just end up being a lot more emotional.

However, I am determined that this time will be different.  I do feel as though I've made a lot of progress over the past year.  Also, a streak of discipline has entered my consciousness.  I have been doing a lot better with my emotional eating and taking care of myself in various other ways.

I am now also in the second half of my cycle so I'm doing all I can with a healthy diet and stress relief.  I can get very down and emotional, past pain also bothers a lot more.  So I will do my best to take the best care of myself that I can.

Anyway, that's all I have for now.  Take care all!  *hugs*  <3

To Blossom

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin


The above quote fits my current feelings rather well.  I have such a mix of emotions with this time in my life.  I sit here, tears streaming down my cheeks.  I feel so scared, so overwhelmed.  Yet, I feel so blessed and lucky at the same time.  These tears are both of sadness and joy.
 
I feel as though I am slowly learning who this stranger is inside.  I am starting to feel, to think, to believe, to love, to want, etc.  How is this possible?  That question cycles over and over in my head.  Things seem so rocky now.  So much repressed emotion and negativity overwhelm me.  Yet, a joy is starting to flow through my life.  I am starting to appreciate life and the world even through my dark valleys.  And I'm starting to know me.  I'm beginning to understand why I think, feel, and act as I do.  I am starting to feel power over myself for the first time.  Loving myself seems more possible.
 
I will be happy and at peace.  I believe that though things are rather dim right now.  I wonder if teens go through all kinds of emotions and rebellions and such as I have been feeling.  I was the care-taker back then, so I had a very serious and structured teen time.  I have wondered also if others who could not be teens when they were have a lapse for such behavior as it seems that I do.  This here is a little bit of a tangent as what I'm describing above isn't quite what I imagine teens thinking.
 
Oh, and another tangent:  I'm going through major PMS right now.  With stress, I get extremely emotional at this time.  I have to take care around others so I don't get moody on them, which can be difficult.  However, I have realized that my moodiness emboldens me to bring up things and think about issues that bother me a lot.  I feel like I grow more during this time because of that.  I also cry a lot more about past pain that I need to release.  I'm starting to think more and more that the idea that everything happens for a reason has a lot of truth behind it.
 
Anyway, I kind of muddled the end of this with some tangents.  It is nice to feel joy at this time of month though, that does not usually happen for me.  It's all related though, my moodiness gets me to talk about things about myself that I may not share otherwise.  I learn so much more about myself.
 
Goodnight all!  *hugs*  <3