Drive

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel


Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
But lately I'm beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

~ Incubus

I don't know what to call this

Roles, obligations, duties
so much fear
anger,mistrust,
guilt and shame
so many tears
flowery words
from hollow friends
disappear when needed
the most

Rather Cluttered

I am having a time where recent events have generated so many blog posts in my head.  I will try to separate the topics the best I can.

First off, Happy 2010!!!  I cannot believe we have finished another decade.  So much has happened in the last year, it is unreal.  I learned about my codependency.  I discovered so much anger and resentment within.  I have realized just how low my self-worth is.  I have found so much self-hatred and punishment in my ways.  I have truly seen how negative I can be.  I am slowly getting so that awareness does not spiral into guilt and shame.  It is not easy.  I have mistreated myself and others rather badly.  I also have problems with emotional eating and disorganization.  Finances are another issue.  A very sick relative is yet another.  I feel heavy on the shoulders.

However, I have gotten a good kick in the pants recently.  Being positive really helps me.  I know there is abundance and joy in life if one looks for it.  Plus, I feel that I can bring the 'badass' in me that I've inherited.  Over this year, I have gotten stronger.  I know I can get stronger yet.  I know I can get through a lot.  This reminds me of a quote.

Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive. ~Josephine Hart

I first discovered that quote here.  I have visited that quote page for years and years.  I rather like it.  I like to read the Adversity section when I feel down.  Please share what quotes you find that you like.  It's fun seeing what inspires others.

I have topics in mind in regards to change, codependency, self-worth, assertiveness, and probably some other stuff.  I will post more personal stuff on my other blog as well.

I have been trying to check up on other blogs.  Thank you all for updating and sharing!  Take care and have a wonderful 2010!  *hugs*  <3

Some of My Laundry List

You know you have been out for a while when you can't remember your account info.

With all of this busyness, I have noticed some trends in myself.  I got distracted from taking care of myself and self-reflection.  As I become more aware of pain and anguish, the release of such emotion becomes more important.  I'm like a teakettle with the whistle stopped up.  However, the steam just doesn't make me cleanly explode.  It seeps out wherever it can.  So, with this pain, anger, and resentment seeping out, I feel guilt for it happening.

I also notice that I handle worry differently.  I still worry and dwell, but not constantly and I don't let it mess me up so badly.  I am slowly becoming more accepting of my fears and worries.  However, I still must learn that what I worry and fear usually doesn't happen or is as bad as I think.

I struggle with my awareness of my thinking and acting behaviors.  The more I realize how codependent, passive, resentful, and insecure I am, the more I dislike of myself.  I have always had a resistance to change, ever since I was quite young.  Somewhere, I learned changing myself meant how I am is worthless.

I must do in order to be worthy.  I must look, think, feel, and act a certain way to be lovable and worthy.  Realizing I have changes to make inflames this harmful thinking.  I know I must find worth in myself right now, because I am worthy and lovable even with my bad habits.  However, as I become more aware of my habits, the more hopelessness I feel in believing I have worth.

Ok, I think that's enough of my laundry list for now.  I've been thinking about the above areas a lot as of late.

Self-Rescuing Princess

Linkie.

I have realized last night that I must try to work on myself more on my own.  I have noticed a tendency to create conflict and send out negativity.  Thus, I must realize that it is up to me to help myself, no one else.

So today, when I saw the above linked t-shirt in a catalog, it really spoke to me.  It reminds me that I have not been looking to myself enough.  Help and support from others is good, but one cannot become dependent on it.

After more thinking, I realized that those healing themselves are self-rescuing prince(sse)s.  No matter what support we may have, it is up to us to evolve into happy, healing people.

Well, I should retire soon.  I wish you all a happy week!  Take care!  <3

Self-Esteem and Sexuality

http://chaplaincare.navy.mil/selfhelp/sexuality.htm

I just wanted to link this as it seems useful.  It discusses self-esteem and its impact on our lives, including our sexuality.  I've been doing a bit of reading with this.

Hugs to all!  Take care!  <3

To Run

Something stirs
just beneath

An urge to run
and run and run

To live amongst
the trees
and silence

Away from all

Can't run away
from yourself

Sensible chiding
from within

Does not quell
this urge

To run
and run
and run