To Blossom

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin


The above quote fits my current feelings rather well.  I have such a mix of emotions with this time in my life.  I sit here, tears streaming down my cheeks.  I feel so scared, so overwhelmed.  Yet, I feel so blessed and lucky at the same time.  These tears are both of sadness and joy.
 
I feel as though I am slowly learning who this stranger is inside.  I am starting to feel, to think, to believe, to love, to want, etc.  How is this possible?  That question cycles over and over in my head.  Things seem so rocky now.  So much repressed emotion and negativity overwhelm me.  Yet, a joy is starting to flow through my life.  I am starting to appreciate life and the world even through my dark valleys.  And I'm starting to know me.  I'm beginning to understand why I think, feel, and act as I do.  I am starting to feel power over myself for the first time.  Loving myself seems more possible.
 
I will be happy and at peace.  I believe that though things are rather dim right now.  I wonder if teens go through all kinds of emotions and rebellions and such as I have been feeling.  I was the care-taker back then, so I had a very serious and structured teen time.  I have wondered also if others who could not be teens when they were have a lapse for such behavior as it seems that I do.  This here is a little bit of a tangent as what I'm describing above isn't quite what I imagine teens thinking.
 
Oh, and another tangent:  I'm going through major PMS right now.  With stress, I get extremely emotional at this time.  I have to take care around others so I don't get moody on them, which can be difficult.  However, I have realized that my moodiness emboldens me to bring up things and think about issues that bother me a lot.  I feel like I grow more during this time because of that.  I also cry a lot more about past pain that I need to release.  I'm starting to think more and more that the idea that everything happens for a reason has a lot of truth behind it.
 
Anyway, I kind of muddled the end of this with some tangents.  It is nice to feel joy at this time of month though, that does not usually happen for me.  It's all related though, my moodiness gets me to talk about things about myself that I may not share otherwise.  I learn so much more about myself.
 
Goodnight all!  *hugs*  <3