Many different issues, beliefs, and feelings have been revealing themselves to me this summer.
Lately, a pretty major undercurrent has appeared regarding control. Growing up, I felt so controlled but accepted it as I felt I had no other option. Over the years, I have noticed a fear of being controlled. More recently, I have noticed how much I try to control my environment and the people in it. It's as though I'm trying to control myself by controlling who and what is around me.
Even more recently, I have noticed how much I feel other people have control over me. I have been finding more and more ways that this belief shows itself. When people tell me about things that should be done, I assume they are ordering me to do it. When people express things that I don't agree with or are offended by, I feel like they are trying to control my thoughts and beliefs.
Feeling this way leaves me in a constant cycle of feeling like a victim. I did not realize just how much I feel like a victim. I also had no idea how much I self-sabotage myself and how much pressure I put on myself for others. The more I think about it, the more I see how many subconscious thoughts I have that are about doing what others want. I have not taken control of my own life and have less of a self than I realized.
This is all rather scary and depressing. However, I am becoming more aware of these harmful patterns and behavior. I can now do more about this.
I feel like as I get more aware of my issues, I feel worse about myself. I also get overwhelmed by all of these feelings, beliefs, memories, etc. However, I must appreciate that I have come so far.
I have been trying to think of what I can do to take control, feel worthy, and heal better. I feel like I have been dwelling on lot on negative issues I have. I have struggled to focus on my school plans, work, and life in general.
Here is a short list I have compiled on how I can help myself and find some balance:
- take care of myself with healthy food, habits, and sleep
- do more writing for myself
- focus on the positive
- be more observant of myself
I am going to try to not over-analyze and dwell so much. I'm just going to keep being positive and develop my self-worth. Take care all! *hugs* <3
I like your list. This sounds like a good idea to me. Take care--I know the journey feels very hard sometimes. ((((((((safe, warm, gentle hugs)))))))
ReplyDeletehi IK~ i can relate to this one a lot. i never even realized how much and in how many ways control was an issue for me until this past year. i really relate to the examples you wrote above. thank you~
ReplyDeletei can understand feeling of not feeling in control of your own life. but i wonder at you saying that you feel you have less of a self. you seem to have a strong sense of self to me. whether or not you take good care of yourself or allow yourself to act on your own feelings or needs or wishes is one thing, but you have a self that will always be there. our core selves, in my opinion, are always there. sometimes they are waiting to become fully expressed, but they exist as much as ever. if nothing else, maybe it's dormant or suppressed, but there nonetheless.
that's how i see it anyway.
i think you're terrific. i'm sorry that realizing all this is making you feel sort of down. but i get that too. i try to work on myself and improve, but sometimes it gets depressing and i feel overwhelmed with all of what i see as my "flaws" or all the work i have to do...
we're ok today too. as we are. at this moment.
sending hugs your way~ :)
Great list IK. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDelete