Ok, I know I only wrote a post a few minutes ago. However, I have to get this out.
Today I read this on Sarah's blog about laughter. Goodness, did this ever trigger something in me. I had tears in my eyes after reading it and now I do again as I post this. Outside of a few belly laughs with my sisters over something really silly, I never really laughed or smiled when I was younger. I remember someone in junior high asking why I never laughed. I think I just shrugged my shoulders at their question. It is easier now to laugh. Recently, I have realized just how much I giggle and chuckle about what goes on around me and even when things go badly. Though I don't laugh very loud most of the time. I feel like I muted myself, like I was only supposed to laugh if others think it is funny.
Now on to tears. Goodness, I didn't have much of a problem with that. I got labeled a crybaby at school and it was yet another thing to single me out. I was terribly sensitive then, and still am. I wanted to be accepted and liked so much by the other kids. In order to get them to like me, I would have had to disown some of my own qualities. I already felt repressed enough at home so I didn't do that. Though I did go deeper into my shell. I have also had other reactions to me crying. Anger and guilt are the main ones. I used to feel ashamed of crying, especially in front of men. I felt it was an unacceptable sign of weakness. Since what I do and what I am interested in are something with more men, I felt like I had to prove strength. Also, others around me were codependent and felt to blame for my tears.
It's funny, I always thought I was an emotional person. However, I think I just acted emotionally. I repressed a lot of anger, sadness, hopelessness, and fear. Now, when I cry, I feel the pain pour out. Now, when I laugh, I feel joy. I feel all of this stronger than ever. It can be overwhelming, but it is easier than living with repressed emotions stirring within.
i'm so glad for you that you are able to feel your emotions now. i would imagine that some people, once they repress their feelings, they may never get them back.
ReplyDeletei still repress my anger. that is something i've been working on this past year. and i used to repress my sadness, though i didn't realize it. but once i overcame that, it was amazing. like flood gates open. now i love to cry. it feels so healing. and if people have a problem with my crying, i feel like that's their problem. in the past, some people have gotten upset or angry when i cry, because they thought that i was trying to manipulate them with crying. but i just think that's sad, and an indication that someone else tried to manipulate them emotionally. when i cry, i do so because i feel sad. that is all.
and laughter, i can relate to your description here of how you were like when you were younger. i don't know why you felt that way. it is something i thought about a lot for myself. i actually wrote a post about it some time back. here it is: http://sharingourspaces.blogspot.com/2010/02/what-makes-you-happy.html
i don't know if you'll relate, but in case you would relate, i thought i'd share. :)
hugs for you~~
OMG, IK; I can so very much relate. I considered myself very emotional, got called emotional and when my emotions finally hit me during therapy - what a different orld, WOW. Congrats, because it isnt always easy to feel the feelings still so very much rewarding. So are doing such a great work with yourself, such a warrior. I am glad to have met you, I am glad to be par of your journey. Thanks fro the idea of utisiling photoshop. I havent done yo yet. Being a bit shy of altering pictures, still it might be fun. Will give it a try and share with you. Hugs to you
ReplyDeleteI relate too and was always the one making everyone else laugh. I still do that sometimes but actually I have a general sadness about me a lot these days and I think it's just making up for pushing sadness away. I think I just need to have a sad time in my life, however that may last. And I would have worried excesively that this would make me less loveable and no one will like me but I am thinking if someone can't accept me as I am now (an we are all ever changing) then that's ok. From reading your post and considering this I can see how far I've come from being blown about by the opinions of others. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteOh my dear IK; had so mayn comments and messed another comment with yours, I am so sorry, obviously it wasnt you telling me abotu photoshop. So very sorry.
ReplyDeletelaughing has been the only outlet we have had as we learn to cry
ReplyDeletehi IK, just wanted to pop by and say hello, that i thought of you today and am hoping all is well in your world~
ReplyDeletePopping in to show some love and hope you are well
ReplyDeleteHi IK,
ReplyDeleteI repressed a lot of anger, sadness, hopelessness, and fear. Now, when I cry, I feel the pain pour out. Now, when I laugh, I feel joy. I feel all of this stronger than ever.
Same same with me too..
ha .. ha..