Thank you to all who have been popping by! During rougher times, I have a tendency to isolate and avoid the blog world. I also just get busy with drama and such.
I have been having some rough days as of late. More and more things are popping up that I need to attend to this next month or so. I'm trying to keep the stress and worry at bay but with other difficult emotions surfacing, that's not easy.
So, what are my problem areas now? Well, let's see:
- grief as a loved one from afar is dying
- codependent guilt trips
- poor assertive argument skills
- anger and sadness surfacing
- inner child struggle
- negativity
It bums me that I can list that all out in a little bullet list. Yet, it's good that I'm aware of it all.
I haven't talked about the dying thing much, as it's difficult to and that person is extremely private online. Yet I feel that I can say how I feel. I feel so helpless, my codependency is driving me nuts. I want to save them with vitamins and healthy food and determination. So many feelings get touched off, sadness, anger, guilt, love, etc. This person has caused a lot of the issues I have now and am working on. They didn't intentionally and I'm not blaming them. I have been told that I should tell them that before they die. I don't think I want to cause such trouble. I'm still scared of them and I feel guilty enough as it is.
Thus, I have been spiraling in guilt trips. Of being a crappy daughter, of being a crappy big sister, of being a crappy friend.... I should be able to save people, help them be emotionally mature and happy. I should have stood up to my parents fighting. I should have not been scared, big sisters aren't scared. I should take care of my friends. That's what my codependency says. I finally identified much of my guilt as a result of codependency. Some of it is ridiculous, I have not been put on this earth to take care of everyone. There are ways I can improve, reach out more, show more love, etc. I have to get over the past and love now. This seems difficult.
I got into a horrible fight with a friend of mine. Old and new anger bubbled out in hateful words. It was awful. :( It's like that one quote, "Sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel." ~Author Unknown. I have apologized but it is going to take time for their hurt feelings to heal. This is the stuff where my negative self-talk just beats me up. I must learn to be better at assertive talk. I have to not let my anger get to me so much.
So, with all of these emotions, this inner child business seems to be back, though I'm sure it hasn't left. I have kind of neglected her, the poor dear. I have been comforting her when I get upset, I'm not sure what else to do.
Over the last month, I have truly realized how negative I have become. I never even notice what slips out. I still end up dealing with abusive people and I let that get to me. I am still codependent with various people. In some ways, I feel like a fraud here, like everyone has gotten away from all bad and are now healing. Anyway, I need to focus back on the positive. I know I can change this.
Here are some anger quotes I found online. These are good reminders for me and maybe others.
- Life is too short to hold a grudge, also too long. ~Robert Brault
- He who angers you conquers you. ~Elizabeth Kenny
- Anger ventilated often hurries toward forgiveness; and concealed often hardens into revenge. ~Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton
- Get mad, then get over it. ~Colin Powell
- Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. ~Malachy McCourt
- Take no revenge that you have not pondered beneath a starry sky, or on a canyon overlook, or to the lapping of waves and the mewing of a distant gull. ~Robert Brault
- If you're angry at a loved one, hug that person. And mean it. You may not want to hug - which is all the more reason to do so. It's hard to stay angry when someone shows they love you, and that's precisely what happens when we hug each other. ~Walter Anderson
- I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to. ~Author Unknown
- The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk. ~Jacqueline Schiff
((((IK))))
ReplyDeleteHere listening
hi IK, i'm so sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. that someone close to you is dying and that you had an argument with a friend. i'm glad you shared how you are really doing. and that you are identifying so much of what is going on within you and working to take care of yourself and your inner child.
ReplyDeletei think when people die, that brings up so much within us. all the feelings related to that person. and there might be things you feel the need to say to them before they die. my dad died years ago. but before he died, what i did was to imagine that he had already died, and was there anything i might wish i had said beforehand. it helped me decide what i wanted to say so that i would hopefully not feel regret at having held something important inside. which isn't to say i said everything on my mind. i decided what i felt i needed to say, and what i didn't.
and as for the anger with your friend. i think those of us who never learned how to healthily express anger sometimes go back and forth along the spectrum between holding too much in and saying too much. but maybe this natural before we can learn how to express anger in a balanced way. no matter what, i think it's important to try to go easy on yourself. you are trying.
i feel like you might need a big hug right now, so here you go :) (((hug)))
{{{HUGS}}} sweet friend. I am so sorry that you are going through so much right now. Don't allow those negative thoughts of guilt bring you down!!! I am sure you are a wonderful daughter, sister, and I know a great blog friend. Keep your chin up as high as you can!!!!
ReplyDeleteWhat I say here is that all of this recognition just shows me how healthy you are. I am in the same boat with you friend in more ways than one. Please remember to give yourself all of the love and consideration you want to give to others. YOU ARE ENOUGH. I am so happy that you can share your heart and soul like this, you have grown so much please reconize this and rejoice. It fits you nicely my friend.
ReplyDeletexoxo