Isolation

The topic of isolation has been on my mind as of late. Some people have posted about it and I have also experienced a very strong sense of it a couple of days ago. I have a number of factors associated with isolation. For one, I am quite shy, having been so since about junior high. I do talk more now and can communicate coherently with others, though I still don't say a lot and have difficulty with lots of people and people I haven't met. My introversion also makes social events draining.

I also experience a wish for isolation when I'm quite emotional or feeling self-hatred. I can be difficult to be around and I have come to assume people don't want to be around me when I feel like that. I also get irritated by how easy I can be to read, my facial expressions have always been the main way for me to communicate emotion. Talking about my emotions was not encouraged at all. When people have been around me for a while, they seem to detect topics that hurt my feelings and such. So, I have temptation to avoid others to avoid such assumptions and reactions.

When I have become upset or have had conflict with someone, I have strong urges for isolation. I commonly visualize building a wall internally. Withdrawal is my most strong coping mechanism, second only to eating and crying. A common response to conflict for me is to not want to talk to others anymore, it only leads to trouble.

However, isolation has a price. I cannot grow in isolation. I cannot simmer in my negative emotions and self-hatred, that is quite destructive. I cannot hide from conflict. This is probably one of the most destructive things I do to myself, outside of verbal and mental abuse.