I think sometimes analogies are how I express myself to others, at least in regards to healing and such. Slowly, I have started to define ME, not x's helper, not y's sister, not z's daughter. I have started to care about what I want, what I need. The idea of me being worthy of anything, especially love, is still quite foreign to me.
At times, people don't like such changes. Once some people get used to how you are, they don't really like you changing. At these times when I feel unaccepted (not just when I've changed), I feel like building walls back up, cocooning myself inside. However, this feeling is more complicated due to my changes. The best way for me to describe it is I feel like I'm burying myself alive. I can feel this internal struggle that the defined me is fighting the bury.
I'm sure I have had something like this when younger, but did not have a defined me to fight. Thus, this buried alive sensation is rather strong and new. It's sad how long one can go in their lives without feeling defined or worthy. As time goes on, I am in awe of how my thinking has changed. I still have a long road ahead, yet now I feel like a person anyway.
I feel awkward chronicling my trials here as things can change so much for me. I can be quite content and at peace one moment and the next be in despair. Of course, this all depends on stress levels, my cycle, my hunger level, etc.
One thing that has helped me quite a bit recently is the determination to be more positive. One resource I have found that you may wish to visit is the Positivity Blog. It has a number of insightful articles that I have found helpful.
Glad to have you back. I was wondering how you are doing. For ymself I can say that emotions in extremis were just normal, happened several times a day and completely exhausted me. It is part of the process ( still annyoing though ;-))) When I started changing I lost enarly all friends and some I wished goodbye myself as it was a process for me too to learn that most of my relations were just unhealthy and only functioned with me being submissive and people pleasing. It was hard and lonely time but so very worthwhile. No I have less people I call friends, particularly here in MUnich, BUT I know these are people I can call in the middle of the night and cry! Please be patient and gently with yourself. It didnt happen over night and not it wont disappear over night. Maybe as time goes by you start writing more, trusting more. Writing is such a freeing thing to do, it clarifies many things for me, I reach more udnerstanding and even love for myself. Wish you well and keep you in my thoughts.
ReplyDelete"I feel awkward chronicling my trials here as things can change so much for me. I can be quite content and at peace one moment and the next be in despair. Of course, this all depends on stress levels, my cycle, my hunger level, etc."
ReplyDeleteFor me, this has come to mean that I am a healthy alive human! Look at how healthy and alive you are!! Because all of our emotions, when accepted, make us whole. But like Paula writes I have also had a time when it was extreme and debilitating and exhausting and it helps to know others have experienced this. Everything changes. I enjoy reading your blog because it reminds me that others are struggling or just living with what life is and it takes me away from feeling alone. ALso thanks for commenting on my blog I really appreciate it.X
buried alive is that the same for you as feeling suffocated?
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