I do not think that my fear of falling would ever allow me to ride a rollercoaster as radical and winding as the one I have been on emotionally this past week. Negative assumptions have been giving me a good wallop when I do interact with others. Quite a bit of pain has been released lately, which is good. Things seem a bit clearer now that I have allowed my feelings and thoughts to manifest into a child-like form. Repressed emotions seem more understandable as I can associate them to old memories. I've been seeing more of the guilt and shame I have repressed. I think I have hidden those two feelings the best, as I am shocked with how much I have. Never feeling good 'enough' and the fear of abandonment have really been showing themselves. I'm shocked at how much of these feelings reside in me and by how much my thoughts and behavior are impacted by them. Struggling with all of this tires me and then I don't feel like taking care of what I should be. Then I just feel all the worse for that. I have been trying to control my emotions so that I do not get all upset and mess my day up. That has not worked so well but I won't give up.
Now for the positive. I had a wonderful 4th with friends I don't see often. I was so nervous, as I am with social events and such. I am quite different than many I know and I seem to equate difference with inferiority. However, it went rather well and I enjoyed myself. I've also have been watching movies that interest me: La Femme Nikita, Casablanca, Strictly Ballroom, and Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind. Some old, some quirky, some just stuff others I know may not like. I have been riding my bike a lot as well. And I bought a fresh pineapple yesterday, something I've never done. I really want to be more healthy and I'm determined to do that the right way. I have always had reasons that had nothing to do with me, always thinking I was selfish. Caring for myself is not selfish, it is a need.
I apologize for this being rather jumbled, it just spilled out this way and I don't care to edit it as this is how I am doing.
No need for apology....
ReplyDeleteIssue, first the positive, glad you had a wonderful 4th with friends and your social gathering was much better for you than expected. Friends to cherish. Awesome, glad for you!
Dear one with the negativisim, which in actuality really positive as you are releasing and getting in touch with the pain, good girl. As hard as it is, and I am one that is walking right with you on this, it is a good thing.
Blessings dear one!!!
Thanks for responding JBR! A lot of negative has been coming out lately. Though I wouldn't wish pain like this on others, it is nice to know that others can relate.
ReplyDelete