The past couple of weeks have been a bit trying. I have not been posting as I am not sure what to share. I have been doing a bit of reading about codependency and other related topics. There are days (rather time periods as I do not seem to be able to stay in one mindset for a whole day) where everything seems manageable. I have such textbook codependency, I just have to work on x, y, z, etc.
Then there are days when I think about it all and my brain turns to mush. I seem to get overwhelmed whenever I try to plan or set goals. It's as though as I start thinking about what all I have to do, I freeze up. This also happens when I try to get my life more organized in general. Perhaps this is a very typical feeling, I'm not sure. Since I was quite young, I have often wondered if my thoughts, beliefs, and behavior were 'normal'. Now, learning about the impact of my childhood and codependency, I wonder this all the more.
In a couple of days, I will be basically alone for 2.5 weeks outside of work. While I dread being alone with my thoughts, memories, and emotions, I'm trying to see this as an opportunity. Not only does it give me the chance to do what I want, but I thought I could focus more on self-improvement. Unfortunately, that lovely Boundaries book JBR has been reading is checked out of the library for most of the time I'll be alone.
Anyway, if anyone has any suggestions of activities or methods for me, I'd appreciate it. I know I have a lot of pent up anger and pain within me that has to come out, but I don't want to spend all this time crying and raging. I guess my self-worth, my inner child, and assertiveness could all use work. I'm not even sure where to begin with that inner child stuff.
Well, I'm not the best at ending posts but I will say this. I appreciate the comments I have gotten here and at your blogs. I also have found a boon of codependency links that I intend to post and review as time permits.
Hi, I totally can relate. There were times where I didnt know what to do first and pessurized myself for not knowing where to start. Meant I didnt get a lot done. Days like that are ok. However to get a "feel better" structure to keep myself going I organised a few things. A shoebox with nice memories, things I like, a parfum I idendify with, a book which cheers me up, pictures , whatever makes you feel good)
ReplyDeleteI created a sheet and tick certain thinks every day (sounds stupid, however I learned in therapy to "plan" and cut big issues into doable pieces) anyway, a sheet where I tick of if I blew myself a kiss in the morning (feels stupid first, then you become to love it), if I took my vitamins, what I have eaten (I tended to overeat lately), my moods I write down, after a few weeks you get a feeling what triggers you have... Additionally I do affirmations (plenty of websites around)I made a small list of things which I spoil myself with when accomplished. I attend Coda and Al Anon. I started to work through the book "7 habits of highly successful people" - absolut worthwhile(would help u with childhood as well but with interaction in general), maybe you check it out at the libary, however to work it thru you would need to buy it. Myself being unemployed right now I know how it feels not really knowing how to occupy oneself all the time, not falling into a hole and still get something worthwhile out of it.
When it comes to anger I tend to work it out actively. Well, not just working on a punshing ball, in general I imagine the face which hurt me on the punching ball, while punching I say, think or scream all out in addition. Other way is making bread, Once again I imagine the face and I knead the dough particularly long and hard, saying whatever I want - makes the best bread ;-) it is a good anger opener for me.
My inner child - after abuse I tried to live a different live, I cut myself off from the memories,living with a time period I couldnt remember anything off. However there was this little girl crying inside me. Thought I am crazy!!! Finally I was so worn down that I went to see a counsellor. What a relief to know I wasnt crazy but it could be worked upon. The time came where I took this little girl by her hand and for a while we walked together, she grow up, and we merged.
However all this of course was and is my way. The codie issues are still strong however and during stressful times (like now) proove to be quite trying.
Keep you in my thoughts. Tons of hugs across the pond
Oh Paula, thank you! You have given me a wealth of information to sort through. I realize a lot of websites discuss this but sometimes I get so muddled looking at them all. I will have to look more into affirmations and that inner child stuff. The bread idea sounds like a productive endeavor. That's what I dislike the most about the emotional release, I feel like I'm wasting time.
ReplyDeleteOh dear, know the feeling. I used to feel that I waste my time releasing emotions, workng through anger etc.It turned into a long and painfull process to realise that it only feels like wasted time for me, because I thought I am not worth of spening this time with and on myself. Respect, responsibility, attention and care for onself on ALL levels is not what we have learned in our childhood. learning it later on all by myself was a pretty hard going. One is for sure. YOU ARE WORTH YOUR ATTENTION AND TIME.
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