Well today was my fourth meeting with my women's Codependents Anonymous group. I really looked forward to this meeting as I had a nasty bit of codependent behavior crop up as of late. Today's meeting was about boundaries.
I shared about my recent behavior which is really a pattern. Instead of disappointing others by being assertive and enforcing a boundary, I withdraw into myself and avoid them. Not only do I get guilt from 'disappointing' them, but also for avoiding them. I then feel certain that they will now reject me for this behavior, though I act this way to prevent rejection. Eventually I stop withdrawing and then feel better when I feel I've gained their approval back. I have noticed this behavior for at least a few months now. It's quite difficult to stop as I fear angering and disappointing others SO much. However, I know I am hurting not only myself but others with such behavior.
It was not easy to share that at the meeting. I felt a pang of worry that people would think worse of me. I reminded myself that no matter where everyone was in recovery, we could all relate to feeling like I do. Also, while avoiding others can be painful to others, I am not intentionally hurting others. I also got encouragement after the meeting. Gosh, I get a lot of encouragement and support from these women. I wish I wasn't so shy as that makes it difficult for me to do the same. I am going to work on being more friendly and encouraging towards others.
On and on a related note, I read an article about codependents and anger. It suggested three ways to prevent unnecessary anger related to codependency and being defensive. One of the ways was to reframe what was happening and if people really were trying to attack you. Another way was to detach from the situation and view it as though you are on a balcony. So, today I have been asking myself throughout the day how I feel. If I notice a negative feeling, I think about why that is and if it is really necessary. I guess I will see how that goes.
WOW; congrats! I feel you truly can be proud of yourself!I am working daily on not feeling attacked, not feeling forceful, not withdrawing.... It is so deep settled in my behaviour and it will take quite some time to balance this. Dear IK, you are very freindly, very supportive. I remember my time at CoDa and was worried I could not return what was so freely given to me. Sharing this, the nodded - all of them had been there. They told me there is no need to return because it is FREELY given and part of learning to accept friendliness and care. Yet the time may come when I am more stable and might like to share my experience and want to give freely to. Freely an dnot because I am having a hard time accepting care and appreciation. Love to you, Paula
ReplyDeletehi IK~ i can relate. i withdraw at times, and feel shy, and have trouble setting boundaries, and also have been helped by trying to detach in situations, to try to be logical and distant. the balcony idea sounds good too. sometimes visualization really helps.
ReplyDeletei think people who care about you and who are secure enough in themselves will understand your need for space and your need to withdraw at times. we each need these things in our own ways, and it's up to each person to not take things personally that aren't about them.
and if it's about them in fact, as it has to do with you needing to set boundaries, i think that makes sense too. we all set boundaries the best way we know how. and when it is difficult or new for us to do, we might set boundaries in a way that overshoots the mark a bit, but all this is ok i think. we do our best and with practice it will get better. i hope! :)
wishing you well today and always~ i'm so glad you're enjoying that coda group!
oh and as for the other people concerned when you are trying to set a boundary with them. again, i think anyone who cares about you and is secure, will understand and respect your boundaries.
ReplyDeletesounds like you're taking care of yourself, and that's always a good thing :)
Passing by to wish you a relaxed Sunday.
ReplyDeleteVery encouraging post IK. Kuddos to your progress. Thank you also for your encouraging comments to me as well dear one. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteHow is it going? Hugs to you!
ReplyDelete