As I said before my 'Life is Good' post, a friend of mine was having some relationship issues. Well, a break-up has resulted. From my limited observations, I would say it is due to unresolved issues in both parties due to past abuse. This makes my heart heavy, as they had a lovely connection otherwise.
I know both parties and have talked about some issue stuff before with them. I still have not spoken to one of them about this recent event, I'm not sure they want to and I refuse to push people into talking. So, the one I have talked to, does seem to understand what issues that person may have. The other person seems oblivious or in denial.
Now, I may be wrong in my observations. Knowing that abuse was a part of their lives and seeing behavior quite similar to my own, I feel I may be correct.
This event is a mirror for me in a number of ways:
- similar issues I am aware of in myself:
- insecurity/low self-esteem
- extreme idealism
- anger issues
- self-sabotage and relationship sabotage
- codependency
- passivity
- passive-aggressive behavior
- issues that were more prevalent before:
- the above, but more severe
- denial of issues
- believing issues should be fixed instantly
Here is what has made me the most frustrated and/or disgusted:
- passive-aggressive behavior
- sabotage
- idealism
It seems that what annoys us the most, represents us the best. While I feel I have made some progress with self-esteem, assertiveness, codependency, and emotion expression, I struggle more with passive-aggressiveness, sabotage, and idealism. The passive-aggressiveness is the least of those but I do believe it is still present. I will need to observe myself more to see.
I have decided that instead of getting frustrated at others, I should look at this mirror as an opportunity to focus on myself. This whole dramatic event has opened my eyes to far more than above. For instance:
- I am still very attracted to drama and chaos
- I need to remember that I must not judge others
- esp. with issues, once upon a time, I did not believe I had issues either
- I take how people similar to me being treated poorly as an attack on me
- I seem to still believe in keeping poor treatment by others secret like it was during my childhood
So, in some ways this mirror depresses me as I feel like I have been doing poorly. However, I must remember that I have been improving with other things. My self-esteem is getting better. My recovery from icky spells is increasing in speed. I seem to also recognize when I need to let out emotions and stress. This past week, I have been letting out repressed stress from this prior semester and grief related to a younger me. I am also becoming more aware and in control of myself, which is important on its own.
Well, I'm going to sleep. Take care all! *hugs* <3
I am glad that you finished your post on a more positive note about yourself! I think you are doing a incredibly job here. This mirror is really a great way to relect upon oneself. Triggers are treasures!
ReplyDeleteThe state I was in mid of lst year had build up over many years. it took time to develop those dysfunctional patterns. YEARS! It takes time to develop more healithier patterns too and takes practice to utilise our tools.
Lets be nor so hard on ourselves today. Hugs across the pond
What a great post and title. I echo what Paula says above IK.
ReplyDeletePassing by to show some love! Hugs across the pond
ReplyDeleteIK, one of the most relaxing and soothing music pieces I ever have listened too is from J. Rodrigo, "AranajueZ"
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRKUoU55Ghc&feature=related
As you like what I passed on to Just Be, maybe this one will touch your soul too. It is an spiritual romantic classic piece from Spain
hi IK, thanks for this post. i can relate to idealism, passivity, passive-aggressiveness, and other things you mentioned. so i appreciate seeing you work through your issues. thank you for sharing. definitely other people can be mirrors for us and we can learn a lot about ourselves by the way we respond and feel about them.
ReplyDeletei find it also helps me to look at the things that upset me in others (often they are things i condemn in myself and sometimes have been unaware), to look at those things from a more understanding perspective instead of my tendency to beat up on myself. not saying you are doing this, but your writing about the mirror and seeing things in new light to learn from them instead of feeling victim to the emotions, sounds like this kind of practice.
but for example sabotage. i used to engage in this a lot in the past. and yet i think sabotage was one way my mind was trying to set boundaries or protect me. maybe there was a situation that wasn't good for me, but not able to set boundaries at the time, i sabotaged. yes, not the most painless or effective method, but good for me in the long run. i found as i gravitated towards relationships that were healthier for me, and learned to practice boundary setting better, i sabotaged less.
another underlying symptom of sabotage i think was thinking i didn't deserve good things. so in that case, i would sabotage things that were good for me. but the more i self-love, the less i sabotage those things.
it is indeed frustrating, these types of behaviors, but trying to look at the other side of the coin (so to speak) of my maladaptive behaviors, i can sort of see what my brain might be doing and have a bit more compassion for myself. and then others as well.
hugs and love to you and wishing you all good things and lots of self-love! :)