With this topic, I do not have resources to share and have struggled to find more information about it.
A couple of days ago, I was spending time with a friend who watches the neighbor's daughter. So, I got to spend some time with a couple of kids. As stated before, this is an area I struggle with. I like the idea of spending time with kids and doing some of the fun things I never really got to do when I was younger.
However, there are a number of issues that get flared up with these interactions. For one, old rejection from when I was a kid has been surfacing. I didn't think this stuff had much impact on me but I can see that I am wrong. It hurt so badly that other kids didn't like me, even though they were jerks.
Also, I'm still shy around acquaintances, which makes it more difficult to relate to kids. Growing up so shy and serious, it's hard for me to let my guard down and just have fun. I also fear that the kids will reject me, just as they had back when I was young.
Now, there's also some issues related to my friend. My friend is just awesome with kids, very engaged and fun. This is great, but I feel compelled to compare myself to him. In many ways, I feel he is better than I am and it makes his advice about that it just takes time and exposure to kids to get more comfortable less meaningful. I feel lectured and sometimes it's difficult for me to take advice from someone who does not seem to struggle.
So, let's see: we have insecurity, social awkwardness, comparisons, and also idealism. I grew up in an environment that was not only abusive but also strict. The strict stuff wasn't too bad: manners, respect, etc. So, when I see these kids rampaging and playfully hitting adults, it irritates me. I was raised with the children should be seen not heard deal. I'm glad to see kids have fun, but my idealism still remains.
I don't want kids to grow up in an environment like I did. I don't want them to be scared to say stuff. I don't want them to witness abuse. I don't want them to not act like kids. I don't want them to not get treated with respect. So it seems that in some ways, I have to let go of what I knew and embrace what I truly feel is right.
Now, I am requesting feedback. Does any of what I mention sound familiar to you? Is this just a random setup or is it common with abused adults? Also, I truly would like to get some ideas on how to relate to kids better. I'd like to know any ideas on being less stiff and more socially competent. I know I have a child-like side to me that likes having fun, but it's difficult for me to tap into that due to insecurity and rejection.
This whole situation put me in a hole for a little while. I felt bad from rejection, from feeling awkward, from seeming boring, from feeling like I'm not good enough... However, I have been pulling myself up. These bad times used to happen every couple of days. Now it seems to take weeks. This is quite encouraging for me.
IK; congrats on your awareness and your dedication to look deeper into this issue of yours.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds VERY familiar to me, not being recognized in my needs as child, being laughed at in school etc etc. Till recently I felt VERY clumpy around kids. it is getting better tough, even when my interactions still feel a bit uncommon.
I dont advice, I can only share what I have come across during my therapy:
Work with the neglected inner child. Learn to give it what little Paula didnt get from her parents - learn to co-parent, listen, love and appreciate your inner child.
Read kid books in the libary
Get yourself something you always wanted as child you didnt get
Eat shaghettis with your fingers
Play with finger paint
Go and sit at a playground watching kids - NO interactions yet. At least not intentionally.
Use a swing and tell yourself that you love you
Develop on ides what a kid might like - your inner kid.
take it slowly and STOP in the minute you realise that you put pressure upon you for not reaching the goal immediately.
Stop comparing yourself with others, they have a different childhood and history altogether.
Well, IK, by now I did nearly all of that and I am getting better. Most of things I found embarrassing, odd, weird, DIDINT want to do them - BUT Little Paula and big Paula are like being together and improving. I am still not sure what to say and often feel kids are hesitating to get acquainted with me. Yet I feel that I stand my ground with myself, my inner kids and the topic - by now I love making a soaghettis once in awhile, use teh swwing more often and paint with the left hand ( Iam right handed) to get kids pics! I love myself more and whatever level I reach with kids around me will be fine. Right now Iam a beginner and that is so much more then a year ago.
BTW, your fear you would hurt ir scare kids is nearly the best protection for not doing so.
Love from ym heart to yours.
Hi, little IK, are you coming out playing with me today?
hi IK~ i can COMPLETELY relate to you. i never used to want to have kids because i could not relate to them and was worried i was too damaged from my childhood and would not be a good parent. definitely too serious, not good at relaxing and being silly, always felt awkward and sensitive around kids, easily rejected. i even felt kids could sense there was something wrong with me, that they "knew" i was no good.
ReplyDeletei found that as the years went by and like paula, i did inner child work, and worked on self-love, all this healing helped me so much. it wasn't until i felt way more ready and healed that i decided to become a parent myself.
i still compare myself to others and feel awkward and unsure how to relate to kids sometimes. even with my own daughter, her dad is sooo good at being silly and playing. last night i was just watching him be so goofy and making silly sounds and they were chasing each other around the house, i felt so glad she has him for a father because it's really hard for me to so silly. i try, but i'm not nearly so fun as he is.
but then i wonder if i have other strengths. like i imagine i will be a really great parent as far as listening and being there for her in whatever she goes through in life. i may not be a big silly goober, but i'm a good listener and will always love her and want her to feel comfortable to be herself.
and oh yes, i do not feel comfortable with kids being aggressive. if my daughter hits, even playfully, i tell her "we don't hit" - very gently of course. but i let her know that is not the way "we do things here" :) i agree with the idea that children are like little cavepeople and all these behaviors are all natural to us as humans. and instead of seeing ourselves as bosses who are supposed to be in control of these little beings, to see ourselves as gentle ambassadors whose job it is to show them what life is like here where we live. that idea helps me feel less anxious about her primitive behaviors and more gentle in my approach to redirection.
not that you need to feel responsible for those kids behavior. i'm just letting you know that from my perspective, that behavior - though natural - isn't really ok with me either. growing up with violence in the home made me real sensitive to that. and i want my daughter to find healthy ways to play and express anger. to be able to interact well with other kids, and not be a bully.
but yes, i compare myself to others a lot still. and that is definitely a source of pain, so you have my compassion and understanding there too.
hugs to you today, IK. and to little IK too. as for a fun kid activity if you want, i always enjoyed going to kids movies in the theatre. i like hearing the kiddos say things out loud, so uninhibited :)
IK I can relate somewhat. Your post brought back the memory of being scared to death to even have a babysitting job as a teenager. I was a mess. I could not care for the kid if I wanted to. I was so afraid of doing something wrong.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this post and your struggles. Helps me along. Blessings to you.
I relate to a lot of what you describe. I have struggled for many years to feel comfortable around both children and adults. This year...I actually taught a class for a home school co-op. It was amazing to me that I was able to do it and I hope to post about it soon.
ReplyDeleteIt is getting better for me. I am not sure what I did to make a difference. I think I just kept working on my stuff. I also think that being a part of the co-op before I started teaching helped me to relax a little, too. But it was teaching that really helped me to connect with them. I chose a dvd series that we would watch parts of and then discuss.
I even struggled with my own children to some extent. I could do the baby and toddler thing...but then I just lost it until they got old enough to be more "adultlike" in their communicating.
Sorry I am not much help...but I wanted you to know that I do relate and understand.
Paula - Thank you for sharing what you have been doing. I have my crayons and watercolors, I think I need to do more of that. Fingerpainting would be fun, when I was in school, they put it in plastic bag and you just moved the paint around in the bag with your fingers. It was boring. Little me would love to come out to play with you!
ReplyDeleteKatie - All that you say about being too serious, difficulty with being silly, etc. sounds so familiar. I think kids can also sense when we feel uncomfortable as well. I'm glad that you have made progress in this way and have found other strengths you possess that are important for good parenting. Oh, I like what you say about kids being like cavepeople and us being gentle ambassadors. I was never allowed to act like a caveperson without punishment and the violence at home just makes me so uncomfortable with this kind of behavior. While I'm not responsible for other kids' behavior, I do have to react if kids are comfortable enough to hit me. What you have said makes me feel so much better about that. Thanks for your idea of going to kid movies! Hugs to you too!
JBR - I am glad that I can help by sharing. I appreciate what you share as well!
A Survivor - That's great that you taught a class! Oh, you are helping plenty. I love to hear other's experiences and it's nice to know I'm not alone. I know so many people that are just awesome and engaging with kids and it helps to know that others struggle too.
Wow, thanks for the responses! You all help me so much just by sharing. Not only do I know I'm not alone, but also that there is hope in dealing with this. Thanks again! *hugs* <3
Just dropping by to give a hug.... ((((IK))))
ReplyDelete