So, yesterday I spent some time with my friend and the couple of kids I mentioned in my last post. I feel like writing out the experience and how I felt. Actually, I don't think I'll be able to focus on my exam unless I do this.
The biggest thing I noticed was the presence of old beliefs. One was being ignored and not wanted around. Another was not getting a chance to speak. I realize I was not being ignored but I think that I am still seeking attention from when I was younger. I used to rarely speak growing up, figuring no one wanted to hear what I had to say and/or when I did speak saying the wrong thing and getting into trouble. Now as I have gotten more willing to talk, I still struggle to interact. Sometimes I'm prone to interrupting people because I get so excited. It seems like people are used to me not talking or think I don't want to talk. Thus, it is often that there is no gaps in conversations so that I can talk. So I end up sitting there, listening to people go back and forth, with a question or what have you. And people wonder why I don't talk and it's like, well I would have had to talk over you in order to do so.
So, I noticed my feelings of being ignored and just observed them. I tried to figure out why I felt that way. I saw that my inner child felt ignored. I noticed that it seems that I have to compete with kids, much like I feel with adults but moreso. I saw that as a result, I have less patience with kids and can feel irritated. However, I realize that this is not a permanent attitude. I feel that as I do more inner child work, I will enjoy children's company and be more at ease.
However, I'm not sure what to do. I think this being around kids thing is good for me. However, I do get a bit shy, irritated, and flustered at times. Most of that is internal but I think people can tell I'm a little uncomfortable. I don't want to make those kids not like me as I get more used to them. My friend understands my issues and background, yet I feel embarrassed to show my discomfort on this. I seem to keep finding things I'm uncomfortable with and that I react poorly to. I realize that's good and I'm learning and growing. I just don't want to burn bridges doing so.
So, at the end of the visit, I felt my friend snapped at me. Though, I think I mistook that as I felt very sensitive and vulnerable then. I ended up walking home in tears. I knew I was hurting and that I needed some inner child comfort. I did take time to read Little Women, one of my favorite stories since I was young. I couldn't read much and I had to study and take care of laundry, etc.
Now I see today that I should have taken more care of myself. I feel rather muddled and sad and out of focus. However, I have this test to take and a project to finish so I can't completely breakdown. This is another reason I wonder if I should limit my time around kids. Some of these issues really hurt and distract me. I'll just have to get through this the best I can.
I'll have to find a way to listen to some music. I'm going to read a bit more tonight, project or not. That book brings such a happiness to me. Reading brings me to that safe and happy home in that book. I should paint and color some too soon. I may have to have a little ice cream too. Just try doing what I liked as a kid and now. It helps to talk to my friend though I feel so self-conscious. In the end I learn that how I am is ok and I'll just keep on growing.
Oh, another note on this kid thing. I think one of the girls rather likes me. And all I can think is why? I'm not nearly as fun as my friend. And I'm shy. It's funny. I know that I have a low self-esteem. However, I never realized how at the core of myself I felt so bad about myself. How I sabotage myself with others because I don't believe I deserve friendships or people being nice to me.
I get similiar feelings around children. Mainly shame. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteSelf sabotage and self destruction. I think we all master in this! My selfesteem is struggling still yet I am back on track. Thanks for coming over and showing concern and care.
ReplyDeleteoh IK, i'm sorry you had such a hard time that day. definitely i would say pace yourself. don't push yourself too much. i think it's good to do stuff that challenges us, but if you're already overwhelmed in other ways, it's ok to take a break from "learning experiences" i say :)
ReplyDeletei can relate to your particular insecurities. many of them mirror my own. and i know that when i get into a "funk" mood, it can downspiral, or cycle itself around in loops, so hard to break out. sounds like you're doing a good job of taking care of yourself. finding a book you love, writing here, etc.
and by the way, if you were in my presence, you wouldn't have to interrupt me to get your voice heard. i would ask you how you were doing :)
i think sometimes people are not attentive to the feelings of others around them, and so if you're feeling hemmed in, it is even harder to be around people who don't notice others or tend to ask and make space for them. when i'm in my most vulnerable, i do better if i avoid groups or particular people who i don't feel comfortable to speak comfortably with.
take care and hugs~ :)
I'm so sorry that you feel bad about yourself. I have struggled with this for so much of my life as well. But, I'm glad you are observing your feelings and you now have this awareness. You can't heal the wounds that we don't even know are there. Safe hugs as you go through these tough realizations and feelings ((((((((IK)))))))))
ReplyDelete