I seem to be bombarded by the topic of control as of late. On one hand, I feel out of control, struggling to keep a handle on things. Emotions and other people's effect are just running me ragged. However, I have such a need to control, myself and others. I demand to take responsibility for all problems and mistakes. So where does this leave me? A big rotten mess of frustration, anger, and despair.
So, how does one conquer this, or at least make it better? Here are some ideas I have come up with:
- Learn to accept that there are some things I have no control over. However, I can control how I react to them. The best means I see in doing this would be to be more mindful of my thoughts. When I notice irritation within, find out why and what I can do to feel better about the situation.
- Learn to accept my feelings. When they arise, let me feel them fully. I may not be able to do that right away (at work, school, etc.), but try to find some time to do that. Walking home would be a good time. Get used to fully feeling anger, guilt, and saddness. Think about what I can do to change anything or at least bring myself up.
- Learn to accept other people. Most people are not trying to wrong me. I have grown up learning to assume negative reactions and actions from others. Sometimes, me assuming like that brings about those negative reactions (i.e. self-fulfilling prophesy). Also, many people have grown up with at least some emotional abuse in their lives. While that may not excuse their actions completely, I should be able to empathesize with others more in regards to that. I cannot change them, only they can. I also have to accept that others may NOT accept me. I cannot make them do that.
- Take care of myself. I have developed some awful habits in regards to a lack of self-esteem. I need to decide on some rituals to take care of me. I, along with others, will not take me seriously if I don't even have the time to take care of myself. It may annoy others, but it's MY time, not their's.
- Stop constant blaming of myself. If I have some responsibility for something, take stock of it and move on. Improve my choices, reactions, and attitudes so I cause less trouble. Remember, life is a series of crossroads. One does not always have to go down the same one.
If anyone else has some suggestions, I would love to hear it. I may have do some more in-depth reading in regards to codependency. I may find more tips there in regards to control.
IK great points you have there. Controlling how I react is one of the hardest for me. Thanks for sharing dear one! Blessings and ((((IK))))
ReplyDeletei can really relate to everything you wrote here. it was helpful for me to read this.
ReplyDeletei do have one thing i thought of about something you wrote. the idea of allowing ourselves to feel our feelings fully. that is scary for me, but became less scary when i added the step that we don't have to tell other people everything we're feeling as we begin to explore and accept all our emotions. i mean, i think telling is an important step that we may also want to take, but i think it's a separate step.
just getting to know all the feelings and admit them is scary enough. so finding a safe way to do that, like in a journal or something, can be very helpful.
wishing you well~
JBR - Thanks for stopping by! Writing this out is an example of what I've been doing to control how I react. Think about something negative and work out how I can change it. Take care! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteKatie - Welcome! I am glad this was helpful. Feeling fully sure can be scary. I always thought I was a really emotional person already without feeling it all. I've been meaning to journal more of my feelings, I think that would help a lot. Thanks for the reminder!
HI, IK, I have stopped by several times still I couldnt get myself to comment. Rather unusual for me :-)) I always thought I am very emotional too. Which was right to a certain extend. I felt NEGATIVE at the best. Thanks to my therapy I learn to feel, accept joy, happiness, anger, fear, sadness and positive thoughts. Yes, it is scary. And unburdens me. However how controlling I am is still a huge topic to me and I struggle to accept. Weird! However I guess it has to do with the fact how often bitterly I accused S. to be controlling. The way I beat myself down, I did to him too. Hard to live with. Have to make amends there. That is the reason why I still struggle to post about recognition/ management of emotions from my therapy. However time will come and I hope it still will be of value to you. I have heard this month is your birthday. I so much wish I could congratulate you - not knowing the date it makes it a bit difficult. However I hope you remember my wish on your great day. Love from Tampa
ReplyDeleteAl-Anon meetings taught me about control and how I used being in control to feel safe. Control is an illusion. When I was trying to control the most was when I was really out of control the most. The two books that helped me the most were Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency both written by Melody Beattie. Awareness of what you are doing is the first step of change. It sounds like you are there. Congratulations.
ReplyDeletePaula - Sometimes I don't comment at first either. I have been told by others that I really feel my emotions. I think what is accurate was that I really expressed what I could feel. I've never been good at keeping how I feel out of my facial expressions. Oh, everything you have shared so far has been helpful to me in some way. I will be posting a post about birthdays and such, it is 8 days from now.
ReplyDeletePatricia - I started reading Codependent No More and got half-way when I just had to put it down. I got very aware of how I was and was overwhelmed with guilt and shame. Those feelings are still there, but I can counter them with knowing I am dealing with it. So now I read bits and pieces from that book regularly. I will have to check out her other book. Thanks for the suggestion!