An Update

A number of issues have been on my mind as of late.  I can focus a bit better on them now that my semester is finished.  I may go into greater detail with single topic posts later on.  Right now, I just want to get back on my blogging horse.

Care-taking:  Taking care of my dad's affairs, being recently sick with a cold, and Mother's Day got me thinking about my continued care-taking behavior.  It angers me that I have trained people to expect me to take care of their problems or themselves.  I feel bitter that I missed out on healthy care-taking from my parents.  I feel bitter that I had to be everyone's 'mom' back home.  I feel guilty that after I left for school, my family imploded with a divorce and worsened drinking habits that eventually killed my dad.  Why did I have to be the emotional crutch of the family?!  I was just a kid ...

Emotions:  I have had to deal with A LOT of emotions.  I am so glad I am better at handling them.  I still struggle with expressing them, but I have improved on identifying them and letting myself feel them.  I am rather sick of dealing with so many negative emotions, but I have put them off long enough.

Adult Child:  This relates to the prior two topics as well as with other topics.  I am realizing how much inner child work I really have.  I still struggle with black/white thinking.  I still struggle with letting go and having fun.  I long for many child-like things:  a mother's embrace, open discussions with dad, playing, coloring, etc.

Grief Work:  There is a lot of grief on my mind.  I still grieve my dad's death.  I also grieve for his life.  He gave up much of his life to make his parents happy.  He is who I learned my codependency from the most.  I must not follow his path.  I also grieve my boss, who was brutally murdered at New Years.  I worked with him for 5.5 years.  He commuted, remoted from home, and travelled a lot, but he had a positive impression on my life.  If not for him, I would have never pursued grad school.  He was also a positive role model for a man.  He was not angry, uptight, or bitter.  He was friendly, laidback, and fun.  I learned that I did not have to fear all men.  I grieve for my grandma, who though still alive, has fallen deep into Alzheimer's after my dad's passing.  My uncle and aunts have separated us from her as much as possible.  It breaks my heart as she was a huge maternal influence.  I grieve for my mom, also still alive.  I grieve for the relationship we could have had.  I grieve for the implied belief that my birth ruined her life.  I grieve for her and my dad's dysfunctional childhoods and the abuse they suffered.  I grieve for my childhood and the loss of time I feel that I have suffered.


It seems that a lot of what I feel bad about is about me.  I feel greedy and selfish for feeling bad for myself.  I hope that I can learn that it is ok to feel bad for me.  I can feel some empathy and sympathy for myself too, not just other people.  I can want nurturing and support.  While it may be ok to feel badly because others don't provide it to me, it is not their job.  It is my job to nurture and support myself.  I only hope I can truly learn how to do this.


Gratitude List:
- It is finally spring!  The grass is so green now!
- I am learning so much about myself and the people in my life.
- I care about myself enough to want to make positive changes.
- I am learning to let go of others and their affairs.
- This is the hardest time in my remembered life but I am also the happiest I have ever been.