Peeking Out

I'm still here, though I've been rather silent.  I have been dealing with a lot of affairs and situations.  I am learning a lot.  I think I am now the most stressed that I have ever been.  My stomach is kind of messed up, I'm breaking out all over, and am having odd dreams.  Over time, I have been grieving a little each time.  I am sure that once things are more in order, the grief will be worse.

I try to take care of myself as I can.  I have been going to CODA as I can, which has been a great comfort.  Even though so many of us have such different situations, it amazes me that we have a lot of the same thoughts, feelings, and behavior.  The last meeting brought up inner child pain and oh how glad I was that it did!  My group had a great sharing and it reminded me to think of my inner child as this may be the time she needs me the most.

I want to lose weight and take better care of myself but it is a struggle.  I neglect myself so easily to take care of others and other problems.  I feel that this struggle time is an opportunity to change and to push me to organize myself and take care of myself and stand up for myself.

Outside of some help from some great friends, I have been working alone on most of my dad's affairs.  One sister can't help me too much and if anything, needs my help to get her life started.  The other just refuses to let this alter much of her own life.  Granted, it's her last semester and she's looking for work, but she could easily make a couple of phone calls for me or drop off paperwork without fuss.  She still takes time to go deer hunting, to go to football games, etc. and just expects me to sacrifice all. 

She insisted that her boyfriend propose, which he did, a month exactly after our dad's funeral.  I know it's her life, but it still feels like it was too soon after.  I feel bad for her fiance, as he is passive like me.  I feel she wants to set herself up with a well-to-do man that wouldn't be scary like our dad.  Again, it's her life.  However, I feel uncomfortable and that's just how it is.  I don't intend to tell her as it's her life.  If they're waiting a couple of years anyway, I just don't get why it had to be now.  She's all busy showing off and such and now I feel that I'll get even less help.  Yes, I am complaining and venting and I apologize if that offends anyone.  I do want them to be happy.  I feel bad that I am bothered by this.

A friend of mine has been talking to me about mindfulness and meditation after I shared a link about such topics.  I guess he and his wife are really into it and go to local meditation groups.  While I would love too, I'm so strained as it is for time.  However, I feel that this has been brought up to me now as a reminder to practice such things on my own and when the time is right, join such a group. 

I should share more about my grief.  Many things trigger grief and pain regarding my dad's death.  One time, some friends mentioned shivering and all I could think about was my dad being unconscious and having seizures.  It was so painful to see him go through that with no control.  Though when we took him off the machines, he stopped having seizures.  I wonder if that was a sign that he was ready.  Another time, I was grieving about his death and crying very hard.  Such crying makes breathing difficult and the sound of my difficult breathing reminded me of the sound of his last breathing.  I'm almost afraid to cry now as I hate that sound. 

All of this is so complicated as I loved, feared, pitied, and was angry with him.  I could never show my anger as I was so scared of him.  I so badly wanted us to amend and having a mature, adult, father-daughter relationship.  I feel that I grieve for that as well.  I feel like I was a bad daughter because of my codependency.  On one hand, I feel I did not do enough to help him and on the other, I isolated myself from him out of fear of him and of conflict.  I hope I can someday find peace about all of this.

My gratitudes:
- My newly-found strength in handling stress and adversity
- Another opportunity to show the amount of passion and drive I have to get things done
- Friends with knowledge and advice and a willingness to help
- A loving and kind grandmother
- Two sisters who help how they can even if it's not ideal for me
- A protective dog that guards and protects my sister from vultures and thieves
- People who believe in me
- That I believe in me
- That I have a desire for healthy change and growth
- Loving support and positive vibes of the ladies from CODA