The Others

Paula has posted about an exercise done in therapy that I thought was worth trying.  It's about imagining yourself at different stages of your life and bringing them all into a conference room.  You are also supposed to write 2-3 qualities about each one.

For me:

Child:  I'm terrible with my memory so I could not just pick an age to describe.  This would be before 5th grade.  I always had short hair when I was little, so my parents could easily find ticks in the summer.  *sighs*  I think that's a rather poor excuse.  I looked like a boy and got dreadfully teased about it, being called 'Melvin' by a bunch of boys in school.  Anyway, back then, I was talkative, giggly, and curious.  I liked school, farming, and being outside.

Pre-teen/early teen:  Somewhere in the 5th/6th/7th grade range, I became very shy and somber.  I went to the same school K-12 but soon had very few friends outside of my siblings.  Some of the older girls liked me but only one who was really a friend.  I told my parents I wasn't cutting my hair anymore and started growing it out.  Outside of the shyness, I'd describe myself as helpful, passive, and sweet.  I got more interested in taking long walks outside and reading.  I started burying myself in school work.

Mid/late teens:  Not much has changed.  I am pretty much how I was earlier in my teens.  No boyfriends (boys used to pick on eachother by saying I was the other guy's girlfriend) and another friend to replace the other one I lost.  I was still shy, which I think others took as me being a snob.  I was Miss Helpful and Responsible.  Miss Motherly.  I took responsibility for my laundry, a good bit of cooking, the family garden, and what cleaning I could tackle.  I was proof that one could be in public school and not get any of the social benefits of it.  I would describe myself as determined, responsible, and mature.  I took it upon myself to get into college and I was responsible for a lot of things I shouldn't have been.  I mistook my over-responsibility and seriousness for maturity.

Early twenties:  From two decades of no moving, no change, everything and everyone the same but a bit older to complete change.  I went to college, to a town I never been to except for the campus tour.  I knew a couple of other girls from another town, but no one else.  Here's a little country girl in the city for the first time, though it's not a very big city.  And a boyfriend!  A guy that flirts and wants to have coffee.  Who cares if he kind of ignores me and hurt me in a number of ways.  I had a boyfriend.  I tell you, I am still dealing with a lot of damage from that deal.  I'm glad he dumped me, I was not assertive enough to do it myself.  I'd describe myself then as passionate, eager, and needy.  That was how I recognized just how much I feared abandonment and was willing to put up with a bunch of crap to avoid it.

I'm going to stop there.  Goodness, this got long.  I don't know how interesting this all is, but this helped clear my head.  I realize that I am angry with these other mes.  For how they let themselves be treated, for how they treat themselves.  For ending up in quite a nasty pattern that I have yet to break.